This is really good! Just a few notes:

Birds screech through the city like the first day of goddamn spring. I don't like the use of goddamn here, and it has nothing to do with bad language, it just doesn't feel like the right word choice. It does, however, serve as an excellent barb in an otherwise smooth flow of prose, though I do feel like another word would have an even stronger impact. Actually, I'd nominate the F word...but I'm not sure how well that would go over with the judges (though stylistically, it's perfect for the change in tone youre looking for).

Barely a tap from His boot. Thats all it takes and Im falling and wind rips at my face and nothings underneath me and no one will catch me. Too many "and's" here makes this sentence pretty nasty. I'd definitely encourage a revise to restructure this into at least two sentences. Maybe something like:

Barely a tap from His boot. That's all it takes and I'm falling. Wind rips at my face as nothingness rises to meet me. No one will catch me. There is nothing but the air and my body soaring through it. (I know I added a lot here but that's what the sentence might need. Also, I shortened the sentence length to better reflect the rapid thoughts that would be occurring in someones mind who was just pushed off an edge ^_^. Oh, and if you want to copy and paste this directly, go for it!)

Finally, I can understand stylistically why you chose to avoid quotation marks but I'd strongly suggest including them to help differentiate between thoughts and spoken phrases. There were a few times I was confused and forcing your reader to go back and reread something is never a good thing. Also, you might consider changing thoughts to italics to even further emphasize the difference. Neither changes are totally necessary, but I do think they'd help.

Other than that, this is really good and you write exceptionally well. It was a pleasure to read! Well done!

-Saigo-

part of Columbia that no-one knew about. Not sure why you have no one as "no-one", but it's incorrect. At least by every rule that I personally know.

Was it bringing her food, like some hideous blackbird bringing worms for her needy chicks? This is excellent!

But it was not them who was chosen, it was Keeleys father. This doesn't sound right to me. Maybe change it to: But it was not they who were chosen. The sentence just breaks the flow of your story otherwise.

"Praise the Prophet". I don't know if this is your quote, or part of the game's lore, but it fits perfectly. Well done!

Keeley squeezed her mothers hand. Should be mother's

was her fathers head. Should be father's ^_^

her fathers cheek. Same as above. Should be father's

This is really good! I don't know much about Bioshock's lore so I'm approaching this from a technical standpoint, but I enjoyed your story and found the plot intriguing. Well done!

Also, let me know if you have any questions or remarks in regards to the changes I suggested. We're here to help our fellow writers in any way that we can!

Good luck!

-Saigo-

I'm not terribly familiar with the Bioshock lore, so I'll analyze this piece in a more technical manner to help you get your point across a little stronger while becoming an even better writer in the process.

A few thoughts:

They took out a lot of Lakota Sioux This is too vague. What defines a lot? I'd use a stronger description.

He and another man wrestled with the rifle when it went off and that set off the war. This sentence is a little weak for its importance in your story. Another man is extremely vague, even if youre masking intentionally his identity, you need something more appealing than a typical every day description.

Black Coyote was one crazy pony Perfect description! Well done!

He was over everyone. What does this mean? Im guessing he controls the city, but saying he's over everyone lacks detail and conviction. You do explain it later in the paragraph but the way it's written here makes me wonder what you mean and pulls me out of the narrative which is never good.

Similar in looks to a handyman, Plunger was an ugly brute that bullied everyone for cash. I'm not sure if this is a Bioshock reference, so ignore me if it is, but otherwise it just doesnt work. Not all handyman look alike, and its insulting to imply that they do ~_^ Besides, if it is a Bioshock reference, handyman should be capitalized as its the name of something specific to the Bioshock brand.

He played poker and won every time. Not possible, even if he's cheating, he'd get caught the second he produced a card already in someone's hand. Poker is a game of both skill and luck. Consider revising to something more suiting like, He played poker and won more than he lost

After all these years he sees him. He sees him? So what? Does he find him? And if so, where? This is a little too vague.

Also, a thought on the dialogue: The way it's written works in very small doses and only when youre accelerating to action. I dont want to complain about your style, because every writer should write their own way, but it might not work for a lot of people and does little to add to the scene, setting, or progression of the story. Dialogue is an excellent tool if you use it properly.

I am going to bleed it out of you if you loose. Lose and not loose

 (Indians) Take it out, the meaning is obvious.

and you (pointing to Turning) Parenthesis seldom work in fiction, unless it's the narrator speaking.

To be near God and live out the remains of life. The remainder of life, or their remaining life. Remains of life just doesnt work.

Comstock, "You steal from me, you loose a hand! Lose and not loose

Now go back to the whole hole and not whole ^_^

Pitch's hand was cut off and replaced with a pitch fork. When writing fiction, the secret to great writing is the ability to show and not tell. Right now you're telling us he has a pitchfork for a hand and not showing it through other means. Have a character comment on it, have someone notice it as you're advancing the plot, but never tell us directly.

Plunger looks at Pitch Fork and says, "Do you bring money?" This is an example of writing good dialogue and is a nice change from starting every sentence with the name of the speaker.

Booker has a couple day mares of Wounded Knee. What is a day mare? A horse ridden only during the day? Or do you mean something more PTSD in nature?

gunfire is one word. Otherwise you're talking about guns being on fire :P

The stench of bodies after bodies killed off flies. Doesn't happen. Flies will eat crap so stench doesn't really affect them.

heartbeat is also one word

He saw an Indian waiving his rifle off in the distance before the massacre started.... Good reveal, though I'd consider changing the tense to present, even though it's a flash back, to allow the reader to live it verse having it happened already. He sees an Indian waving just sounds better I think.

stands up knocking the table and all the chips and cards off the table avoid repeating words. There's no need to use 'table' twice.

Turning Hawk, "Pinkerton, here is your gun." No one ever says here is, especially not in a situation like this. People say, Here's.

Plunger gets ruthless with Turning Hawk. Again, show and not tell. Don't say he gets ruthless, show us how ruthless he is.

storms may come and wipe out lives, but without weather we have no rain for the corn... This is excellent, though I'd cut out the firewater bit. Otherwise you have someone being profound one second, and talking about alcohol and women the next. Leave it profound, it's good!

The rain stops and the sun is bright again. Way too soon! Weather doesn't change like this in a span of seconds.

Overall, this is pretty good. You have a few things to work on but theyll come with time. I'd play around with your tenses, work on listening to dialogue around you on a daily basis, and experiment a little with what works and what doesn't.

Other than that, let me know if you have any questions or let me know if I can help further.

Best wishes and good luck!

-Saigo- 

First of all, this is good. Second, and as a purist when it comes to editorial writing, I'd like to say thank you for actually writing a legitimate piece. Well done.

As far as a critique goes, I really don't have much. This is a sound piece! The only thing I suppose I could recommend would be cutting unnecessary words to get to the point quicker, but without looking at the piece (I can't see it when I'm commenting), I can't give specific examples.

Seriously though, this is well done and I found myself wanting to comment, which is huge in generating an audience through your work. Good job!

Oh, and let me know if you have any specific questions or if I can be of further help. 

First off, mad respect for undertaking a project of this nature. It takes courage to start and endurance to finish!

In regards to your writing, there are a few things that stick out and are worthy of mention. First, paragraphs. Use them. Whenever you go onto another theory or idea, you need to start a new paragraph. Each of your paragraphs could easily be broken down (and should be) into smaller, more manageable chunks. Big paragraphs are intimidating!

Second, you have too many sentences beginning with a word, then a comma, then the rest of the sentence. So, unfortunately, but, etc. This is killing the flow of your work! This type of writing is used to stop the flow intentionally or redirect it towards something else...but if you do it too often, the writing becomes jerky and difficult to read. People want to get lost in whenever they read, even if it's medical in nature, and all of these breaks are pulling people back out. It's an easy fix and leads to stronger writing.

Finally, when you state something as theory, state it as theory and not as fact. What comes to mind immediately is the cells splitting in the ocean bit. While possible, and even likely, it's only one theory of how life started here on this planet. Explain it as such. Nothing has been proven as fact, and as such, stating it so makes you lose credibility with your fan-base. Not to mention you've just alienated the majority of your god believing readers.  A simple "if" could do wonders here, not mention if you also included other streams of thought. Did god make me this way? Am I destined to be this? Whatever. Appeal to your audience. 

Otherwise I really think it's good and I think you have the ability to truly appeal to your audience and write from the heart which is both rare and imperative in a topic of this nature! I hope this helps and let me know if you have any other questions!  

This is good. I have a lot to say on this :P 

Great season guys. We'll have to do it again next year! Thanks again for the invite!

Most active on forums? Looks like I'm out :(