infinite bioshock contest

infinite bioshock contest: THE REPLACEMENT

1890 Wounded Knee Colonel James Forsyth surrounded the encampment supported by four Hotchkiss guns. They nearly wiped out a whole tribe of Lakota Sioux all because of a Lakota Sioux man named Black Coyote. He was a trouble maker that waived his rifle, declaring that he had given money for it and no one was going to take it unless he was paid. When He and another Lakota Sioux named Turning Hawk wrestled with the rifle it went off and started the war. Later after the battle Turning Hawk said that Black Coyote was one crazy pony and he was always up to no good.

1912 The Sky City of Columbia was owned by Zachary Comstock. Every dead beat, low life and officer was on his payroll. Every Bookie, or thug that wanted to make a buck went to Zachary for a job. Pitch Fork was a hired gun from Zachary Comstock. He was sent down from New Columbia in search of a shooter named Plunger. Similar in looks to a Handyman in Columbia City, Plunger was an ugly brute that bullied everyone for cash. He played poker and won more than he lost. He didnt always play fair. He had built in contraptions up his sleeves that held cards that magically appeared in his hand when he needed a better one. He plays at the White Key Saloon off in a little dusty town. Turning Hawk a Lakota Sioux was searching for the white man that was at Wounded Knee. Turning Hawk sits next to Booker DeWitt. Turning looks at Bookers Medal of Honor thats lies on the table. Booker is using this in means of payment to be part of the poker game. Booker Dewitt was a gambler, but not a very good one. Lucky for him he is a better shooter. Turning, Thats a pretty shiny medal. Booker, If you want it you need to play for it. Turning, It wouldnt look good on me, but I could tell interesting stories of how I got it. I could tell my people that I killed a white man and took it from him. What can you tell me about Wounded Knee? Booker, I dont want to talk about it. (Booker reaches for his gun) Are we going to have a problem? Turning, No, there is no problem. I just dont think you should give it up. You survived... Booker interrupts Turning, You do not speak to me about things you dont know about! Turning, I know plenty, you were given that medal because of a massacre that took out a lot of my people. Plunger interrupts, Ladies please, lets play the game or you can just save yourself some time and give me the money Booker! Pay off your debt. I am going to bleed it out of you if you lose. No point of still crying over a few reds and you! I dont play with your kind, so get out! Pitch Fork came into the bar and passes two old guys drinking whiskey. He over hears them talking about how wonderful it would be to live up high in the clouds. To be near God and live out the remainder of life. They talk about the city in the sky likes it Haven. Pitch smirks and thinks if they only knew of the hell that is up there. Pitch lost his hand as an example from Comstock. Pitch was trying to defect to the other side. He stole some plans of Comstocks. Comstock found out. Comstock, You steal from me, you lose a hand! Now go back to the hole that you came from and get me a replacement. Pitch is holding his hand by the wrist, he can still feel the pain. Pitch is standing next to Plunger who was at the table with Booker and Turning Hawk. Turning Hawk was just leaving, He goes outside and waits by the door. He needs to tell Booker something, but it can wait. Plunger looks at Pitch Fork and says, Do you bring money? Pitch, Yes. shaking his head away from the memory of the pain. Plunger, Then your my kind of player.
Pitch takes a seat. "Do you want me to get you a salad for your hand?" Plunger mentions to Pitch. What? Your hand looks like something found at a dinner table. Put that thing away before you poke an eye out. Pitch looks at his hand and than puts his hand behind his back in embaresment. He was too intimidated to say something back to Plunger.
Booker has a couple flashbacks of Wounded Knee. It was total chaos with gun fire and people with their guts ripped open. The stench of bodies after bodies riddle the air. Booker was shooting anything with a heartbeat, he couldnt tell anyone apart at times with the smoke and gunfire from the Hotchkiss guns. He sees an Indian waiving his rifle off in the distance before the massacre started.... Plunger, Hey Pinkerton, snap out of it! Lets play. They played their game and near the end Booker noticed the little machine inside of Plungers sleeve. Booker, Youre a piece of work, youve been cheating this whole time? (Booker reaches for his gun under the table, Plunger ketches this and shoots out from under his sleeve one of his mechanical gadgets that has a claw at the end of it and it grabs Bookers gun. Plunger stands up knocking the table and all the chips and cards off including Bookers medal. The medal goes sliding out by the door. Turning picks it up. Plungers claw throws the gun into the air and out the door. Booker takes a swing at Plungers chest and it felt like hitting a steel wall. Booker holds his hand, What do you have under your shirt? Plunger lifts up his shirt to reveal an iron door from a stove strapped around his waist. Booker, You are a piece of work. Booker picks up a chair and smashes it across Plungers head. It didnt seam to have any effect on him. Plunger taps his head with Pitch Forks hand and you could hear metal on metal. Pitch, Hey! Pitch takes his makeshift hand back. Plunger, I have a tin plate up there Pinkerton. Booker, That explains your looks. Plunger, That tares it! Plunger plunges forward towards Booker, but Booker side steps and lets the raging bull take it outside. Booker, Bully! Booker follows because the fight isnt over. Its going to take more than that to take out this brute. Turning Hawk was still outside by the door holding Bookers gun. Pinkerton, here's your gun. Booker takes it, but Plunger was already up on his feet. He grabbed Booker by the neck and held him in the air and then through him. Plunger looked at Turning Hawk. Plunger, I told you to leave! It was a big mistake that you are still here. It will cost you your life. Plunger punches Turning Hawk in the chest. Plunger, I will take you back down memory lane of Wounded Knee! My soul is ready for the white horse to take me away, Turning says with a winded breath. I will be with my people and we will rain down on you. Cold rain with hard hammer strikes upon thee. You will feel my wraith come down on you with lighting speed. I am ready... are you? Plunger takes both of his hands and squeezes Turning Hawks head until it cracks. Turning Hawk falls to the ground. A gun shot rings out from behind Plunger. Plunger falls to his knees and plants his face into the dirt. Booker walks up to him and kicks at him to see if he is dead. Plunger doesnt move. Booker sees his medal in Turning Hawks hand. Booker goes over to retrieve it and then gets startled by Turning Hawk. Turning Hawk gasps for his last breath and his final words Turning Hawk, Fear no guilt about Wounded Knee, storms may come and wipe out lives, but without weather we have no rain for the new corn of life. The storm is coming. Then it started to rain and it was a cold rain. Plunger starts yelling behind Booker.
Booker, No way! Booker turns around at the same time a bright flash from the sky like a thunder bolt shoots Plungers body. Sparks fly off of his metal plate in his head and the iron door on his chest Plunger, Noooo! I am not ready! Plungers body is gone and so is Turning Hawks. Lucky for Pitch Fork the lighting was only attracted to Plunger.
Pitch, That wasnt odd at all was it. Booker, No, not at all. Pitch, Look I was sent down here to get someone to replace me for the City of Columbia and I choose you. All those stories you hear of it being a paradise are true. Booker, Then why do you want to leave? Pitch, There are some people that are looking for me, I figure I could just disappear down here. Booker, Dont lie to me. Pitch, I do know someone that can pay off your debt. Booker, How do you know about my debt? Pitch, It doesnt matter. Booker, Who do you work for? Pitch, You might of heard of him, Zachary Comstock. Booker, The big guy huh? Pitch, I have a case here just look at it. Booker reads the outside of the case, The flame that will ignite the world. (Booker opens it) There is this picture of a beautiful girl in it. Booker, Who is this? Pitch, Oh, Her, thats Elizabeth. She is actually who I need you to look for, She is missing. Now that I have your attention please come this way. You will take my zeppelin up to the City. There are arrangements made for you inside. My people will help you the rest of the way. Enjoy your flight. There is money involved. Former Pinkerton agent Booker DeWitt, is sent to the floating air city of Columbia to find a young woman, Elizabeth. Find out what happens next in the game Infinite Bioshock.

I'm not terribly familiar with the Bioshock lore, so I'll analyze this piece in a more technical manner to help you get your point across a little stronger while becoming an even better writer in the process.

A few thoughts:

They took out a lot of Lakota Sioux This is too vague. What defines a lot? I'd use a stronger description.

He and another man wrestled with the rifle when it went off and that set off the war. This sentence is a little weak for its importance in your story. Another man is extremely vague, even if youre masking intentionally his identity, you need something more appealing than a typical every day description.

Black Coyote was one crazy pony Perfect description! Well done!

He was over everyone. What does this mean? Im guessing he controls the city, but saying he's over everyone lacks detail and conviction. You do explain it later in the paragraph but the way it's written here makes me wonder what you mean and pulls me out of the narrative which is never good.

Similar in looks to a handyman, Plunger was an ugly brute that bullied everyone for cash. I'm not sure if this is a Bioshock reference, so ignore me if it is, but otherwise it just doesnt work. Not all handyman look alike, and its insulting to imply that they do ~_^ Besides, if it is a Bioshock reference, handyman should be capitalized as its the name of something specific to the Bioshock brand.

He played poker and won every time. Not possible, even if he's cheating, he'd get caught the second he produced a card already in someone's hand. Poker is a game of both skill and luck. Consider revising to something more suiting like, He played poker and won more than he lost

After all these years he sees him. He sees him? So what? Does he find him? And if so, where? This is a little too vague.

Also, a thought on the dialogue: The way it's written works in very small doses and only when youre accelerating to action. I dont want to complain about your style, because every writer should write their own way, but it might not work for a lot of people and does little to add to the scene, setting, or progression of the story. Dialogue is an excellent tool if you use it properly.

I am going to bleed it out of you if you loose. Lose and not loose

 (Indians) Take it out, the meaning is obvious.

and you (pointing to Turning) Parenthesis seldom work in fiction, unless it's the narrator speaking.

To be near God and live out the remains of life. The remainder of life, or their remaining life. Remains of life just doesnt work.

Comstock, "You steal from me, you loose a hand! Lose and not loose

Now go back to the whole hole and not whole ^_^

Pitch's hand was cut off and replaced with a pitch fork. When writing fiction, the secret to great writing is the ability to show and not tell. Right now you're telling us he has a pitchfork for a hand and not showing it through other means. Have a character comment on it, have someone notice it as you're advancing the plot, but never tell us directly.

Plunger looks at Pitch Fork and says, "Do you bring money?" This is an example of writing good dialogue and is a nice change from starting every sentence with the name of the speaker.

Booker has a couple day mares of Wounded Knee. What is a day mare? A horse ridden only during the day? Or do you mean something more PTSD in nature?

gunfire is one word. Otherwise you're talking about guns being on fire :P

The stench of bodies after bodies killed off flies. Doesn't happen. Flies will eat crap so stench doesn't really affect them.

heartbeat is also one word

He saw an Indian waiving his rifle off in the distance before the massacre started.... Good reveal, though I'd consider changing the tense to present, even though it's a flash back, to allow the reader to live it verse having it happened already. He sees an Indian waving just sounds better I think.

stands up knocking the table and all the chips and cards off the table avoid repeating words. There's no need to use 'table' twice.

Turning Hawk, "Pinkerton, here is your gun." No one ever says here is, especially not in a situation like this. People say, Here's.

Plunger gets ruthless with Turning Hawk. Again, show and not tell. Don't say he gets ruthless, show us how ruthless he is.

storms may come and wipe out lives, but without weather we have no rain for the corn... This is excellent, though I'd cut out the firewater bit. Otherwise you have someone being profound one second, and talking about alcohol and women the next. Leave it profound, it's good!

The rain stops and the sun is bright again. Way too soon! Weather doesn't change like this in a span of seconds.

Overall, this is pretty good. You have a few things to work on but theyll come with time. I'd play around with your tenses, work on listening to dialogue around you on a daily basis, and experiment a little with what works and what doesn't.

Other than that, let me know if you have any questions or let me know if I can help further.

Best wishes and good luck!

-Saigo-