I can't even remember my parents no matter how much I try and I found it easier to stop tryng to remember them since they obviously didn't want me. This sentence struggles and it's noticeable because everything else before it is written so well.
If I were editing it I'd change it to something like: I can't remember my parents no matter how hard try, but what good are memories, when they obviously didn't want me?
take care of me even though though he never talks in words. Double though. Take one out.
those are the times I feel peace and most of the lonliness seeps away for awhile. "Loneliness" and "a while" are misspelled.
how a girl is suppose to be raised supposed is the correct spelling. I'd start writing in a word processor and pasting it into Gamespot. Their spellcheck is garbage.
locked in a tower with no contact with the outside world except for the small birds that come to my small garden and I envy them for being able to fly where ever they want with no one's permission. I'd break this down. It just reads too long.
Maybe: locked in a tower with no contact with the outside world except for the small birds that come to my small garden. I envy them. I envy their freedom to fly wherever they want without anyone's permission.
The more time I spend here, the more the weight of these chains are draining my spirit. Consider cutting out a few words to this: The more time I spend here, the more the weight of these chains drain my spirit.
everything is suppose to stay this way. Supposed.
There is a nursery rhyme the children say and it brings a deadly chill down my spine as I hear them say it. Take out deadly, theres no such thing as a deadly chillwell, unless its frostbite, but it doesnt work otherwise.
" SongBird SongBird, Spirit in the Sky, SongBird SongBird, The last thing you see before you die." Awesome!
This is really good! I love the tone and the way it's written is perfect for what you're doing. Aside from the suggestions above, I'd strongly encourage you to write with a legitimate word processor and copy and paste your work into your blog rather than writing here directly. Spelling errors are a killer and should be avoided at all costs!
-Saigo-
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