you are correct of course but I really can't get over it as I feel my dad has seriously hurt my mom before and after her diagnosis. I do have a sister too. she also did nothing but I don't blame her since she had a little boy to take care of. still, most of the blame is upon me as there were many approaches and medications to try and I just couldn't manage to have them at home to use when things go out of hand.

I'm sorry to hear that Indzman. I'm 31 also with nothing literally. when my mom was diagnosed I'd started this small art business. I made hand made jewelry and did some tattooing on my free time. but everything just collapsed. this ****ing disease took everything. even when I was working I didn't have any concentration so my business was already doomed. all I could think was cancer. and after a while I quit the job entirely to focus on cancer. for that experimental medication I mentioned above I went to India actually, to Kolkata where the drug is being developed by a team of scientist and under a clinical trial. I saw India in a way that rarely any tourist has seen. spent most of the time with patients and Oncologists,etc and my impression is that Indians are such a great people. Kolkata and Indians are forever in my heart and for that I wish all the best through the rest of your life as your people have brought back hope to many.

why? I really didn't have anyone to talk to.

one thing that I think I've had to mention more clearly which could probably be helpful to others too, is that what we were doing is based on a rather new approach to cancer which sees this disease as a metabolic disorder despite the conventional idea of cancer being a genetic disease. through a metabolic approach cancer is considered to be mainly a mitochondrial dysfunction and treatable even at advanced stages as long as or organ is not completely destroyed by the tumor. the idea is that cancer cells can be starved and that you can interfere with their metabolism selectively with very limited damage to normal cells that's because cancer cells are highly addicted to glucose to produce energy through glycolysis which is an oxygen independent process even when oxygen is present since cancer cells usually have a dysfunctional mitochondria so they don't produce ATP like normal cells instead they produce Pyruvate which later turns into lactic acid and glucose again and again. their other sources of energy also can be tackled as well, so don't let my defeat stop you from looking into it if you or your loved one is dealing with cancer. cancer is till complex and the approach above can be merged with the conventional method so it doesn't mean it's either this or that.
my regret is that I made mistakes in this road as I was scared and lonely and of course inexperienced.

thanks for being so kind to me. regarding my father, one other regret that I have is that I never exposed him to my mother who was always suspicious about his cheating and made her live an emotionally unfulfilled life. back when I was freshman we had an exam, after which we were released from school earlier than usual, when I arrived home that day I noticed a cheap unfamiliar bag and and a pair of high heeled sandals by the door which were obviously belong to a stranger. my father heard the door shut when I arrived and came downstairs with a messy look and told me some BS about having one of his coworkers at home who" prefers to be alone" and threw me out. I waited outside of the building complex and saw an ugly woman carrying that bag adn wearing that shoes walking out of the complex and later my dad with his car going after her. when my mom was diagnosed and again now it keeps striking me that if I had exposed that pig, my mom probably would've gotten divorced and lived with a peace of mind and probably hadn't developed cancer or heart problems and surgery prior to that as she could never let go of what my dad was doing and always kept moping( if that's the correct word) over his behaviors. at that time I thought I was keeping my family together by not exposing him and I thought he probably has learned his lesson and would never do it. I was just a stupid kid and obviously I was wrong. he kept doing it continuously.

I know that no one probably cares but I really don't have anyone to talk to other than friends I have never personally known on the internet.

I have lost my mom to cancer a few days ago. She was diagnosed two years ago with stage 4 colorectal cancer with mets to liver.

After going through 16 cycles of chemo her liver mets only became more thus considered unresectable. So My dear mom opted for stopping chemo which was almost a year ago. After that i started researching to help her. I had zero background in medical field as i am just an artist so it took me months to understand cancer a bit. at first it was just a couple of supplements I would come across on online testimonials, but after a while I was introduced to some people who were investigating Oncology either for a loved one or for themselves at a much serious and deeper level, they helped me figure it out a little and understand the mechanisms through which the drugs they were using worked.

while learning the only thing that i was brave enough to ask my mom doing was a diet known as the budwig diet. I never expected it to work really ( I now know that it actually has a firm science behind it) but i gave it a shot anyways based on anecdotal reports. Surprisingly it really worked and my mom became stable for a few months. The diet was restrict so my mom kinda left it after a few months. That was when i started her on some medicines recently being repurposed in Oncology like Metformin, Mebendazole, Cimetidine, etc. I knew these couldn't be enough my mom's cancer was a KRAS mutation which is known to be problematic and less likely to respond to treatments. now I was looking into a new class of recently emerging drugs which target Cancer cell's metabolism known as Glycolysis inhibitors i.e Methylglyoxal, Sodium Dichloroacetate, 3bromopyruvate, 2doxyglucose,etc..all being experimental drugs but of course cancer patients can not wait for clinical trials so they either self administrate or go to some German or Mexican clinics where patients are allowed to choose their treatment. i chose one and went to another country to get it from the researchers who were working on it to be sure of the quality and proper formulation and being in Iran and under sanctions I had lots of problem to deliver the money (or buy even a simple supplement from Amazon)to another country since we couldn't use Swift nor we are allowed to have a credit card to use online..anyways the whole process took lots of time like 2 months which for a cancer patient is a very big deal. I could've chosen other medicines which were more accessible to me but I chose the one which were more promising and had a great track record of 78 response rate and almost 40 percent complete remission.

unfortunately for me by the time I was back my mom had gone through an unnecessary operation without being told by her doctor that she'd go through a general anesthesia. my mom was on lots of medication and the risk of such operation for her was very high especially since the doctor also had never asked about the meds she was taking and indeed it hit us hard. my dear mom's condition worsened shortly after that. she also had to stop all her meds because some of them had mild anti angiogenesis properties and could also be hard on a liver with compromised function. well the stoppage, let the cancer grow.

she developed Ascites and Edema and things got out of my hands completely as I had my own doubts and fears since I was not a medical doctor after all. as a result my mom lost her trust in all the meds she was taking and stopped all the treatment altogether and I couldn't convince her to get back on them since I was doubtful myself. it became harder and harder for me to take risks. my dad also never believed in anything i was doing and never gave me the courage I needed to use other medicines I had at home so most of the drugs I had gathered with lots of trouble remained unused. still I could have bought other more effective things for such a day but I never expected it to go like this. having an unorganized artistic mind was a huge barrier for me in this road all along and I couldn't manage many things together alone. while my mom's condition was getting worse everyday I used various things but the stress was so high I never managed to choose a single path and have faith in what I was doing.

now from what I've written so far one might think that I'm not to blame that much and my mom's case was a given up on case anyways but this is not true. I personally know many stage 4 terminal cases who are surviving doing various versions of what we were doing. but my planning always was so terrible everything was always late. whatever I tried to do would go through terrible unnecessary complications which could've been avoided if I had planned better. I also strongly believe that if my mom had not stopped her treatments she was with me today. but I couldn't convince her. looking back at how things went I can not say that for sure that if I had begged her she wouldn't resume them. maybe she would. but I was always angry at some of her reactions instead of helping her have a winner mentality. this is where I needed family support but I never had it, still I should've done it myself no matter how hard it was for me to cope with the stress.

I also was never a fan of self administrating drugs specially for a complex disease like Cancer. I asked my mom many times to seek treatments somewhere else and do everything we do and more under the care of a professional (we were working with a doctor from another country but I mean some one who my mom could visit and contact personally) but she had always refused. again looking back at it I wonder if I had begged her maybe I could change her mind.

now that she's gone I'm completely devastated. I have nothing to live anymore. I was already clinically depressed when she was diagnosed but when it all happened I told my self that if I can win this fight..just this fight I could be happy once again. everything could workout again and I promised myself that I have now learned my lesson and now know how valuable life is. I just wanted this from the whole world and now all the dream I worked hard for is gone. before my mom passed away I thought even if couldn't win this fight I probably would find some comfort in helping other patients as I knew many things that could help given up on cases and bring them back science based hope. but now I honestly can not care less. I just want to be with my mother and beg her for forgiveness that I didn't make better and smarter decisions.

I also hate my family since they never offered any help especially my dad who not only has cheated on my mom in the past and while she was fighting with cancer but he also never backed me up during this whole struggle.

so I really don't care how it affects others if I decide to stop living and join my mom as seeing her is the only desire left in me.

sorry about the messy post and also I understand if tl;dr but I couldn't possibly make a shorter version as I already cut many relevant details. I'm not even sure why I post it here but I needed to share with someone cause the pain is just beyond me at this point.

pouya.

no. reasons are mentioned above.

I see, thanks, and I don't know why you are being so strict about naming a few movies. I for one have changed my opinion on some movies that I had either hated or liked after a while or after a second watch so I understand that a list of favs isn't necessarily permanent.

I see, ever looked into DCA(sodium Dichloroacetate) or 2DG or any other Glycolysis inhibitor? or at least reducing some carbs/glucose intake?

ok just give me a few movies that you think are great at this very moment. doesn't have to be a fixed list.