The Super Police - The Butcher (COMPLETE!)

As I am working on the last book in the Dreamer trilogy (or Diamond trilogy, I am a little undecided as to what I'll call it), I am somewhat struggling with motivation. One of the reason, is a project I've been working on at the same time. The last weeks I have just been working on this one, and now the first story in the series is finished.

Let me at first say that this one will be very different from my other works. First of all, it is written in modern age. My main goal with this one is to try to get the "absurd things that happens to ordinary people" feeling that my favorite writer K.A. Applegate does so well. Therefore I have given the main character a lot of my own personallity and let him live in my own town (and even go to my school). It is first and foremost written for Norwegians, who will probably identify with the main character more easily, but I do hope you guys will enjoy it as well. It is written in first person perspective, and is 36k words. I am not very happy with the title, but it will have to do, for now.

I should also inform that there is some bad language and some sexual content, but in a very modest dosage.

So far, I have only translated the prologue. You might find the prologue to be rather long. It could have easily been the first chapter, if it wasn't for the fact that the main character hasn't been introduced yet. Anyways, here it goes.

The Super Police
- the Omega Force

Table of content:

Prologue - The comet
Chapter 1 - The catastrophe warning
Chapter 2 - A stony demon
Chapter 3 - The great turning point
Chapter 4 - Job interview
Chapter 5 - The fire
Chapter 6 - The little boy
Chapter 7 - The Peeping Tom
Chapter 8 - Mental break-in
Chapter 9 - A little warning
Chapter 10 - The lecture
Chapter 11 - The man with the lightnings
Chapter 12 - Hello Love

 The Super Police (2)
- The X-mafia

Table of content:

Chapter 1 - The protest
Chapter 2 - The cancer cure
Chapter 3 - Driving
Chapter 4 - Door to door
Chapter 5 - Safe like the bank
Chapter 6 - New demands
Chapter 7 - The plan
Chapter 8 - An unknown power
Chapter 9 - A dilemma
Chapter 10 - The youngster
Chapter 11 - Telekinetic battle
Chapter 12 - The Hourglass' brutality

Complete works:

The Super Police - the Omega Force
The Super Police - the X-mafia

The Butcher:

The Omega Force - The Butcher

"It happened in 1969. Around the time when Neil Armstrong became the first man on the moon, an inhabited planet hundreds of light-years away from earth exploded."

There should probably be a full stop after 'moon' because it makes it sound like the moon is an inhabited planet!

"manipulate the genes of their specie"

Typo!

"But you must have done a mistake"

made a.

"John removed the receiver from his air"

:D Typo.

"said in a tone as though the waitress had asked him what to drink"

Waitress now?

"himself for having caused the death of billion of individual due to a stupid miscalculation?"

a billion individuals? billions of individuals?

"His surprise weren't smaller when he found Brian lying on the couch"

Wasn't.

Anyway solid prologue. Some great comic timing, and thank God it wasn't cIassical music that they were listening to! That is such a cliche. :P

Looking forward to more. :D

Well, it's definitely a pretty good prologue, as far as prologues go.  You've effectively set up the remainder of the story, and I certainly have to say I'm interested to see where you take the story.

I do have to say, though, that I think the writing has some substantial areas for improvement, which may have more to do with the translation than anything else - I haven't seen the original - but nonetheless.

First, the story has an awful lot of very short sentences.  This paragraph is a good example of what I mean:

"Agratt worked all night and did not pause for a second. Eventually he found the mistake in his calculations. At one point he had written one of the digits wrong. He had written frii when it was supposed to be garr (respectively 13 and 22 in their numeral system, which has 60 digits). It was such a ridiculous mistake it made Agratt want to shoot himself. The digits looked very similar, but it was still an unforgiveable mistake, that could prove to have fatale consequences."

To be honest, a lot of the prologue kind of sounds like a nervously given school presentation of sorts, especially the segues introduced with words like "another", "however", etc.  At several points I felt as though I was just being presented with facts and figures, with no real indication of why the reader should care or be emotionally engaged in any way.  I obviously haven't read the rest of the story, so I don't know if this becomes less of a problem later on, but I think that combining sentences and inviting the reader to become emotionally involved in the story would go a long way to adding interest.

I also can't really quite tell whether the story is supposed to be humorous or serious, and as a result it comes across as, well, neither.  On one hand, the subject matter is of mass death on a scale never seen before on Earth.  On the other hand, everyone seems rather abnormally calm about this fact.  So, I, as a reader, am not really sure how I'm supposed to feel about this - am I supposed to be concerned, or am I supposed to just go with the flow, or what?  The story doesn't really get that across very well, I thought.

The next thing I noticed was the issue of the logistics of some of the things in the prologue.  To a certain extent most any story requires the suspension of disbelief, but I kind of felt that the stuff in the prologue asks for a bit too much of it.  For example, why would anyone pursue weapons that will destroy the entire planet if detonated?  The purpose of weapons is to kill the other guys; a weapon that is guaranteed to kill you too is not a terribly useful weapon.

The fact that the planet that exploded was hundreds of light years away from Earth also poses some fundamental problems.  For starters, suppose that the comet headed towards Earth was hurtling in that direction at a speed of 30 km/s - a reasonable figure, about the speed with which Earth orbits the sun.  With that speed, it would take it approximately one million years to reach Earth.  That makes the declaration that Earth was discovered "later" take on a rather greater magnitude than I think was intended.  In addition to that, radio waves travel at the speed of light; thus, far from a ten-second delay, Agratt's call to John would have a delay of one hundred years - not exactly optimal for communication.  And since light from a planet a hundred light years away from your own will take a hundred years to arrive, if they're only just now discovering that the comet is located in Earth's solar system from their perspective, it has probably already been about a hundred years since the comet actually struck Earth.

There are also some syntactical errors I noticed.  First, I noticed that you tend to use commas where they don't really belong, as in these sentences:

"Another issue that most other intelligent races weren't too pleased about, was their development of weapons of mass destruction."

"The digits looked very similar, but it was still an unforgiveable mistake, that could prove to have fatale consequences."

"That he would most likely be convicted for manslaughter under very serious circumstances and spend the next thirty years in prison with tough criminals, was not the greatest of his concerns either."

Generally speaking, a comma should only divide separate clauses in a sentence - if you're still on the same immediate thought, then you probably shouldn't use one.

I think that's all that I saw that hasn't already been mentioned... I do think that you've certainly got a solid effort here; it just needs some work, that's all.

I also can't really quite tell whether the story is supposed to be humorous or serious, and as a result it comes across as, well, neither. On one hand, the subject matter is of mass death on a scale never seen before on Earth. On the other hand, everyone seems rather abnormally calm about this fact. So, I, as a reader, am not really sure how I'm supposed to feel about this - am I supposed to be concerned, or am I supposed to just go with the flow, or what? The story doesn't really get that across very well, I thought.

GabuEx

I do see what you mean, but to an extent, humorous and serious can go hand in hand. I do think the story will come off as more serious than humorous though. The reason why they are calm, is that I thought it would be a natural response for them. There is nothing that can be done about the asteroid, and while John reacts with disbelief and can't quite make himself believe that it is possible, Brian reacts with sadness, but so much sadness it pushed him into a condition of carelessness.

The next thing I noticed was the issue of the logistics of some of the things in the prologue. To a certain extent most any story requires the suspension of disbelief, but I kind of felt that the stuff in the prologue asks for a bit too much of it. For example, why would anyone pursue weapons that will destroy the entire planet if detonated? The purpose of weapons is to kill the other guys; a weapon that is guaranteed to kill you too is not a terribly useful weapon.

GabuEx

First of all, Soviet and United States developed more than enough atomic weapons to blow the whole world back to the stone age, so as irrational as it sounds, some will do that. But most of all, I want to say that the others might not be on the same planet as those who designed the weapons. They might have been afraid of war against other planets.

The fact that the planet that exploded was hundreds of light years away from Earth also poses some fundamental problems. For starters, suppose that the comet headed towards Earth was hurtling in that direction at a speed of 30 km/s - a reasonable figure, about the speed with which Earth orbits the sun. With that speed, it would take it approximately one million years to reach Earth. That makes the declaration that Earth was discovered "later" take on a rather greater magnitude than I think was intended. In addition to that, radio waves travel at the speed of light; thus, far from a ten-second delay, Agratt's call to John would have a delay of one hundred years - not exactly optimal for communication. And since light from a planet a hundred light years away from your own will take a hundred years to arrive, if they're only just now discovering that the comet is located in Earth's solar system from their perspective, it has probably already been about a hundred years since the comet actually struck Earth.

GabuEx

I am aware of this, and I have an explanation, though it might not be in the books. You see, the way I imagine it, is that to travel in space, the intelligent people will build a system based on teleportation. If the asteroid is blown into one of those portals, it can suddenly be a lot closer to earth. About how the signal can move faster than light: Alternative universes. Some of those alternative universes will have physics that might not necessarily be much different, but has other numbers. If you can send the signal through an alternative universe where the speed oof light is considerably faster than in ours, it would be possible to get a delay of only eight seconds.

There are also some syntactical errors I noticed. First, I noticed that you tend to use commas where they don't really belong, as in these sentences:

"Another issue that most other intelligent races weren't too pleased about, was their development of weapons of mass destruction."

"The digits looked very similar, but it was still an unforgiveable mistake, that could prove to have fatale consequences."

"That he would most likely be convicted for manslaughter under very serious circumstances and spend the next thirty years in prison with tough criminals, was not the greatest of his concerns either."

Generally speaking, a comma should only divide separate clauses in a sentence - if you're still on the same immediate thought, then you probably shouldn't use one.

I think that's all that I saw that hasn't already been mentioned... I do think that you've certainly got a solid effort here; it just needs some work, that's all.

GabuEx

Concerning the first and third example, those are mistakes I do because the rules are different in Norwegian. When the subject in the sentence is so long it almost becomes a sentance of its own, we use coma. Number two is obviously wrong though.

I do see what you mean, but to an extent, humorous and serious can go hand in hand. I do think the story will come off as more serious than humorous though.

waZelda

I agree that they can go hand in hand, but the problem, I think, was that there wasn't really a clear demarcation between the two; as a result, I didn't really know what was supposed to be serious.

The reason why they are calm, is that I thought it would be a natural response for them. There is nothing that can be done about the asteroid, and while John reacts with disbelief and can't quite make himself believe that it is possible, Brian reacts with sadness, but so much sadness it pushed him into a condition of carelessness.

waZelda

I understand that, but I still maintain that they seem to be rather abnormally calm.  The way in which Agratt's message to him basically comes across as "hey, a huge comet is going to hit your planet and kill off a third of your population, sorry about that" made it very hard for me to take what was happening seriously.

First of all, Soviet and United States developed more than enough atomic weapons to blow the whole world back to the stone age, so as irrational as it sounds, some will do that. But most of all, I want to say that the others might not be on the same planet as those who designed the weapons. They might have been afraid of war against other planets.

waZelda

Yes, but every single one of those atomic weapons engineered by the US and the USSR was designed such that the weapon itself would only blow up the other guys.  The reason why mutually assured destruction came into play was because both sides developed these weapons.  It was basically along the lines of "if you blow us up, then we'll blow you up too".  And it was completely rational: had the USSR not built their own weapons, then there would have been nothing stopping the US from using their weapons on the USSR.

Conversely, here, you don't have two sides with weapons pointed at each other; you have one single weapon that singlehandedly blows up the entire planet.  I can't think of any backstory that could be given to that weapon that would make a single lick of logical military sense.  If there's one thing that military leaders of high-tech countries are not, it's blatantly suicidal.

In addition to that, there has never been a single instance in the entire history of the atomic age of a nuclear bomb going off by accident.  The reason for this is simple: they are designed specifically so that a long and deliberate procedure must be carried out before they are rendered capable of detonating.  If such heavy precautions are taken for plain old nukes, I can't imagine that a weapon capable of blowing up an entire planet would not have commensurately heavier safeguards in place.

I am aware of this, and I have an explanation, though it might not be in the books. You see, the way I imagine it, is that to travel in space, the intelligent people will build a system based on teleportation. If the asteroid is blown into one of those portals, it can suddenly be a lot closer to earth. About how the signal can move faster than light: Alternative universes. Some of those alternative universes will have physics that might not necessarily be much different, but has other numbers. If you can send the signal through an alternative universe where the speed oof light is considerably faster than in ours, it would be possible to get a delay of only eight seconds.

waZelda

I suppose whatever works to keep the story going, although I still think you're asking for way too much suspension of disbelief. :P  I mean no offense by this, but that sounds like something that was made up purely to make the story work, which is something that I've found never tends to work as well as one would like.

Wow, Gabu hits his points hard! I never thought about all that.

waZelda, I believe you've got some editing to do.

Wow, Gabu hits his points hard! I never thought about all that.

waZelda, I believe you've got some editing to do.

iloveflash

Only if I agree with Gabu's points, which (no offense) i don't.

Not even one of them? :P

You have to admit, the part about the weapons could use some editing. That is of course unless you're going for the "serious/humorous effect", in which case Gabu would be missing the point. But if not, and thatpart is supposed to be believable, I think he's got something.

Ehh... your call, I guess.

What you may be missing here, though, is that the whole universe is against them, and that presumably, inter-planetary warfar is possible in the story.

Combined I'm sure the forces of the universe would be enough to take them down, so surely the ability to develop a weapon strong enough to destroy planets would be helpful? Okay, so no nuclear bombs have been accidentally detonated? This isn't a nuclear bomb. Weapons accidentally going off is also a common staple of fiction, with or without backstory.

Remember that I mentioned there would be some sexual content? Well, in chapter 1 there is, so enjoy flash.

And to the rest of you: I hope the problem with short sentences is not as great this time around. I know there are some, but I like them that way and thus haven't edited them out. Oh, and I hope you aren't expecting the characters from the prologue to be important characters, for in the rest of the story they won't even be in.

One more thing: The program that is mentioned, Nytt paa nytt, it means News Again and is a show with five people who sit and discuss the news of the week in a humorous way. It is very popular in Norway, and at best, 30% of the population are watching it.

Chapter 1 can be found in the first post.

Okay, so no nuclear bombs have been accidentally detonated? This isn't a nuclear bomb. Weapons accidentally going off is also a common staple of fiction, with or without backstory.

Foolz3h

Cliches are typically things to be avoided when writing. :P

[QUOTE="Foolz3h"]

Okay, so no nuclear bombs have been accidentally detonated? This isn't a nuclear bomb. Weapons accidentally going off is also a common staple of fiction, with or without backstory.

GabuEx

Cliches are typically things to be avoided when writing. :P

Not really true considering pretty much everything can be considered a cliche. :P

Now, something coming across as being boring due to how it presents a cliche is a different matter, but that wasn't really your criticism anyway.

Bad linking!iloveflash

Yup, but if you're desperate to read it, just click on the link that contains all chapters.

Chapter 2:

"I come from Grimstad, lives at home with my parents, is single and has no idea what I want to do with my life."

Live, am single.

"I noticed that she said one thins, but I heard something else."

Thing.

"So, does anyone want to bathe today," I asked.

"Bathe," Irene asked a little stunned. "In March?"

You wouldn't normally say bathe when referring to swimming, but yeah, culture, son!

"but it just seemed like all rhymes that sounded well was overused and had been turned into clichés"

Good, and were.

"pressed Ctrl+S, named the document "awful attempt (32)"

Control plus S probably, and awful attempt (32) should probably be in italics.

"which I lied and said I remembered."

And I lied.

"I will write a book and name it how to get a four without doing"

How to get four?

"Nytt på nytt"?

:D

"then braced my legs."

You'd normally say 'braced myself' but yeah.

"the program with these news."

This program with the news.

"Irene sent me a fierce look."

Gave me.

"No matter what did"

I did.

"I tried to watch friends, but I was unable to laugh"

Friends, but not laughing would be the standard response to it. :P

"nd try to rock out for some minutes."

You woudln't rearlly say some minutes. For awhile? Etc.

"Setting in the pizza"

Putting

"but it looked relatively eatalbe"

Edible.

"ourselves and somehow managed to push the steroid out of our minds. Afterwards, Irene wanted to se Grosvold, which I normally don't do"

Asteroid. :D se Grosvold?

You mean she wanted to watch it?

"She must have a really good hand," I thought. "What must I add to match that? I'm not really wearing my bra today."

They shouldbe seperated, because the second sentence also seems like he's thinking it.

Write then I didn't know if I was dreaming or awake, excited or worried.

"kept staring at her like paralyzed while she walked around the table"

Right then, and like I was paralysised.

"I stared, still like paralyzed"

Same as above.

Anyway enjoyed the chapter! Really liked the informal styIe. Looking forward to the next chapter!

@WZ: You've been reading Episode One, I see. :avatar:

I have to say, I kind of missed Erlend's humor this time around, and the chapter was awfully short, but other than that I would kindly like some moar.

Prologue

Another issue that most other intelligent races weren't too pleased about was their development of weapons of mass destruction.Here we are talking weapons in a large scale.

-Ditch that sentence, it is really pretty pointless.

which had half the mass of Jupiter

-I would say that that is a bit unrealistic for a terrestrial planet. Jupiter has the mass of 317 Earths, and though I am no astronomer, I don't think that terrestrial planets CAN get that big.

The planet was relatively primitive, but at least so technologically advanced it could make an attempt to communicate with other planets

-I think this sentence is a bit clunky. I think that, "but so technologically advanced it could make attempts at communicating with other planets," would work better.

USA was trying to communicate with other planets

-What you are really saying is "United States of America was trying to..." which would be a fragment. Change it to "The United States"

It began listing up something

-I think you mean listing "off"

Brian drank the rest of his wine. In the background the music player kept playing.

"It's the end of the world as we know it

It's the end of the world as we know it

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine!"

-I think this song came out in the 80's :P

Anyway, I really like your premise and I look foward to reading chapters 1 and 2 tommorow. I know I have told you this before but I'll say it again, dialogue is your strong point - very natural and well versed. Narrative however is not, a bit clunky and hard to understand. Work on that and it will be A+ material :)

Brian drank the rest of his wine. In the background the music player kept playing.

"It's the end of the world as we know it

It's the end of the world as we know it

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine!"

-I think this song came out in the 80's :P

honkyjoe

Oh, hey, I didn't even think of that. :P  After looking it up, the band as a whole didn't even form until 1980.

Edited the bad linking and working on the typos.

"I will write a book and name it how to get a four without doing"

How to get four?

Foolz3h

Right, one of those things I should explain. In Norway, there are six grades: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6. In most schools, the average level is on 3.7 or something, so 4 is a bit better than average.

"ourselves and somehow managed to push the steroid out of our minds. Afterwards, Irene wanted to se Grosvold, which I normally don't do"

Asteroid. :D se Grosvold?

You mean she wanted to watch it?

Foolz3h

Yes

"She must have a really good hand," I thought. "What must I add to match that? I'm not really wearing my bra today."

They shouldbe seperated, because the second sentence also seems like he's thinking it.

Foolz3h

Really? I write his thoughts in italic and normal dialogue without it, so I thought it would be easy to understand.

[QUOTE="honkyjoe"]

Brian drank the rest of his wine. In the background the music player kept playing.

"It's the end of the world as we know it

It's the end of the world as we know it

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine!"

-I think this song came out in the 80's :P

GabuEx

Oh, hey, I didn't even think of that. :P After looking it up, the band as a whole didn't even form until 1980.

Ok, let me clearify something. The explosion happened in 1969, but it wasn't until 40 years later that it was discovered that the asteroid was not following the expected course. Except from the start of the prologue, the story takes place in our millenium. I should probably make some changes to the prollogue to avoid confusion.

EDIT: Prologue has been updated, but since the change is so minor, I will just inform you what it is.

A) It now says that the primitive planet was discovered 25 years later.

B) I also said in Agratt's part that his mistake meant that the comet went through a portal that brought it closer to Earth, which could have been deactivated if they knew it would happen.

"Really? I write his thoughts in italic and normal dialogue without it, so I thought it would be easy to understand."

Aha! Bear in mind I copy and pasted it into microsoft word, sot he italics might have been lost! Fair enough then. :D
Though I'd still probably separate it just to be sure. But that's me.

"There were a couple of things I was to fix before mom and dad got up," I explained."

Wanted would probably work better than was.

"I think my parents really trust Irene, and it wasn't the first time she'd been sleeping over"

Slept voer woudl probably work better as well.

"Irene got dressed while I was looking and gave me a kiss on the cheek before leaving my room."

Watched.

"I neither know not care what other people think about me, but no matter what they think, I do believe in real love. I'm not saying I planned to wait with sex until I'm married,"

I neither know nor care, plannted to wait to have sex until.

"Saying no to a girl that is sitting on your lap with naked chest turned out to be rather difficult. Although in retrospective"

With a naked chest. You wouldn't normally say turned out, though!

"I liked her very much and we came along well"

Sounds hot! But presumably it's not meant to. Got along well!

"They said that I seemed distant and I quickly told them that I'd had a weird dream."

Yes, because ti'd be even weirder if he felt distant because the wordl was ending! :D

"Irene and Lars was watching the news so I sat down to join them"

Were watching.

"till-eastern-unusual, but those were unusual times. All the news were about the asteroid."

Easter? :D All the news was.

:other subtheme."

That should be hypenated?

"Even though the news were very grave, I had to say I thought it was pretty cool."

Was very grave. I have?

"Even though I weren't as affected by"

Wasn't.

"She said she had a crush on me and that she had been for quite a while."

She had for awhile.

"We ask the godt to save our lives"

You've got Tts on the brain! ;)

Anyway antoher solid chapter. I'm going to get on the believability bandwagon and say that it wasn't believable for me that people would be workinga nd what not. And he's keeping a used condom in a sock? That's not going to go too well! Putting on by accident is one problem, and let's not even talk about the smell and the mould!

Not that I'd know or anything!

"Anyway antoher solid chapter. I'm going to get on the believability bandwagon and say that it wasn't believable for me that people would be workinga nd what not. And he's keeping a used condom in a sock? That's not going to go too well! Putting on by accident is one problem, and let's not even talk about the smell and the mould!

Foolz3h

He put it in one of the socks that are otherwise useless, since he just has one of them. And it wasn't a permanent sollution to the issue, he just didn't want to deal with the issue right away.

Yes, I know chapter 3 is criminally short.

Also, yes, I know there are very short sentences here, but it is intended. Their purpose is to make the chapter hectic.

So I just re-read the prologue, and read Chapters 1-3. Here is my response:

Firstly, I did come across a few typos // grammar issues in chapter 3:

If I survived, I would have to something about it.

I considered myself a Christian, but I weren't exercising the religion.

I could barely remember the last time I'd preyed to God

felt that there was someone up there, and I felt small an unimportant.

but now we sat together waiting for destiny to make its picks

OGAWD NOO!! :cry: WHYYYY!?!? :cry: AGAHD NOOOES!! :cry:

MAAAAAOOOOOOOORRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So chapter 4 is here. A little longer than the last chapter.

One reference that might need explaining: I'm not sure if you are familiar with the series Pondus, but in Norway we use the word Pondus to describe the little layer of fat on ones stomach. This is Pondus:

The text at the end means "What the heck happened?"

I'm halfway through the new chapter and I'm enjoying it, but I have a few serious issues with it.

Firstly, it strikes me as odd that all three children just sort of shrugged off their parents' death within a three minute conversation, with Anna even going so far as to say "well, I'm off." Major emotional anticlimax there.

Secondly, I really wish you'd have shown us a bit more of Erlend's powers before he came out and told everyone. Like, when he woke up, did he sense anything? And how did he immediately think of his powers as a possible asset when he'd only used it once before, and during a time of mental distress, no less. Sort of jumping the gun there, buddy.

Lastly, I'm surprised that the first things the politicians had to say about the event were concerning the survivors of the meteor crash and its aftermath. What about THE ACTUAL METEOR CRASH!? Like, holy moly, a freaking meteor just hit earth! What did it look like? What's the damage!? Did half the planet get blown up? Where did it hit exactly? What's the crater look like, if there is any? It's a bit odd that they skipped all those juicy details to talk about how kids can sell their house if their parents ain't kickin'.

Okay, I'm off to finish reading now. I hope you take my suggestions into consideration.

So chapter 4 is here. A little longer than the last chapter.

One reference that might need explaining: I'm not sure if you are familiar with the series Pondus, but in Norway we use the word Pondus to describe the little layer of fat on ones stomach. This is Pondus:

The text at the end means "What the heck happened?"

waZelda

A beer gut! Beer happened.

Elma's introduction is utterly effed up. Read through the intros and see.

This chapter was... quite underwhelming! :( I had a feeling things would turn out like this, but I expected a bit more development overall; there's just no buildup before anything. Erlend just walks into the station, introduces himself to the officer, then heads upstairs, introduces himself to the room of people--virtually all of whom are just as calm and personable as he is--and we're left with that and a one-sentence outro to the chapter. Very lame, wZ. You clearly didn't spend much time with this chapter.

The nickname thing as a whole is really corny. Considering these guys are meeting in the aftermath of what is supposedly a cataclysmic event, AND that their lives have just changed for llike, eternity, they just don't seem to be taking it very seriously--or at least realistically. And the one thing I've enjoyed about this story so far is that it is, to a big extent, realistic.

Another disappointment! Why isn't Erlend experimenting with his powers? He's a hilarious character, but you missed some huge opportunities to exercise his humor by not making him do any "trial runs" of his abilities. Say he tested them on the way to the station and did something crazy or funny, then the scene transitioned to where he entered the station, and everyone is either nervous, hostile, or demented. It would've been a great shift in mood, I tell you!

Bah, I'm not the author, so I can't tell you what to write. But again, this chapter has been quite the letdown. I know the story will redeem itself, as you always manage to make it do, but yeah. No moar for now.

I've just gotten caught up to the current chapter, and I suppose I have a question: what caused Erlend's parents (and others) to just drop dead after being fine moments earlier?  I can only assume that it was from radiation poisoning as described in the prologue, but radiation exposure sufficient to kill that quickly would have killed everyone else, too, unless everyone who's still alive has developed immunity to radiation in addition to any other superpowers.  Radiation isn't an isolated phenomenon that hits people like a bullet; it's something that eminates outwards in all directions from its source.

The story's not bad, and I understand that the story is fantasy and all, but I have to admit that I'm thus far finding it kind of amateurish in nature - no offense - due to the rather large and numerous suspensions of disbelief it keeps requiring above and beyond what is necessary for the premise.

I see the logic issues here, it is just that it is hard to write something like this in a way that makes it quite scientifically correct. My only argument, would be that this is no normal radiation since it comes from a high-tech planet. Although it seems unrealistic according to what we already knows, there is a lot we still don't know. The physics we know counts for normal matter, but normal matter only makes for 5 % of the universe's matter, and when it comes to dark matter, we hardly know more about it than that it exists, so we can't with absolute certaincy say that something is impossible.

Well, mostly I hope the logic flaws can be forgiven, since it is hardly unusual. Take Honey, I shrimped the kids for instance. He explains his technology by saying he shrink people by removing space, which is an attempt for a scientific explanation, but if you could really just remove space, it would still not affect your mass, so you would be a lot smaller, but weight the same.

To those of you who complain about him not expirimenting with his powers: Well, how would he expiriment with them? Wherever he goes, he will receive signals, so you can say that in some respect he never expiriments with it, in some respect he always does.

I know that the end of the chapter seems rather abrupt. Ideally, I would have fused together chapter 4 and 5 since it would seem more natural that way, the problem is just that it would be twice as long as most of the other chapters.

As the author, it is your duty to figure out ways to add creativity to your story. Hearing you say "it is hard" or "that is too much of a challenge" is slightly insulting to someone like me who tries really hard to sharpen every detail.

If it were me, I'd show the readers what it's like to live a day in the shoes of Erlend the Radar. Not necessarily having him try anything unusual, but just show people what it would be like; what's different, what's the same, what sucks about it, what's awesome about--kust to give the audience an idea of the main character's new development. An actual trial run could then be something like Erlend pretending to be psychic or something and making bets with people. Sure that sounds like a terrible game (I just came up with it like three seconds ago :P), but it adds some weight to both his abilities and personality. Character development this early on never hurts!

I see the logic issues here, it is just that it is hard to write something like this in a way that makes it quite scientifically correct. My only argument, would be that this is no normal radiation since it comes from a high-tech planet. Although it seems unrealistic according to what we already knows, there is a lot we still don't know. The physics we know counts for normal matter, but normal matter only makes for 5 % of the universe's matter, and when it comes to dark matter, we hardly know more about it than that it exists, so we can't with absolute certaincy say that something is impossible.

Well, mostly I hope the logic flaws can be forgiven, since it is hardly unusual. Take Honey, I shrimped the kids for instance. He explains his technology by saying he shrink people by removing space, which is an attempt for a scientific explanation, but if you could really just remove space, it would still not affect your mass, so you would be a lot smaller, but weight the same.

waZelda

The thing about Honey I Shrunk The Kids, though, is that the device by which the people are reduced to their small size is a completely pivotal contributory element to the main plot.  It is, effectively, the entire story.  It's true that shrinking people down to a small size is basically scientifically impossible, and that people shrunk down to that size would die due to an insufficient surface area through which they may be heated, but that's OK in this case because we know that the story requires it and we're willing to suspend disbelief in that respect as long as the rest of the story is consistent and makes sense.  And they at least attempt a scientific explanation, too, whereas as far as I can tell you haven't even done that.

Conversely, here, stuff like Agratt's planet being so far away from Earth and so many people being killed through mystery methods seems tangential and unnecessary to the big picture of the story at large.  The superpowers I can grant and be fine with, because that's the basis for the story, but the others are just, in my view, asking for far too much from the reader.  And for that matter, the problem might even be mollified somewhat even just by having the characters bring to attention in someway the seemingly random way in which people have died.  The characters seem to just be taking it completely for granted that, yes, the asteroid hit, and of course that means people just randomly drop dead in their place.  Even if there were a latent scientific explanation for this, your average teenager sure as heck isn't going to know what it is. Doing that could bring to attention at least the fact that the writer acknowledges the seemingly nonsensicality of what has happened, whereas as it stands right now, it seems as though the writer is just completely unaware of how little logical sense the events seem to make.  If it's no normal radiation, then how is it no normal radiation?  What makes it different?  What is it?  By what means does it work?  How does it kill people?  Why are there those whom it does not kill?  These are questions for which the reader deserves a good answer - and a consistent answer, too, one which can exist external to the story, and thus does not appear to have been made up purely just to make this one singular story work.

The bottom line is that I just don't consider it sufficient at all to just have something happen and then try to explain that away by just saying "we can't with absolute certaincy say that something is impossible" without attempting to explain the means by which it is possible.  I think that if something happens in a story, you should be well-prepared to seriously answer any questions regarding how and why it happened or at least acknowledge its seeming nonsensicality - the hallmark of any great story, in my view, is the situation where it feels real, as if the writer is simply retelling events that actually happened, rather than having the reader be acutely aware that they're just reading a story that someone has written.  And I think that, thus far, this story has unfortunately landed solidly on the latter side of things - I feel as though I'm just reading something that someone has clearly made up, rather than being told about events that actually happened.

Radar doesn't sound like a very exciting power for him to go around trying. I don't really care about that in the slighest. It's the sort of thing that will most likely only be interesting in an actual situation.

Their reaction to their parent's death, is a little unbelievable, though. Same goes for the government's plan for mortgages. And school and work. If this was a huge catastrophe where a huge amount of people were killed you'd expect there to be some sort of distruption beyond that to the property to market. Speaking of which is there any reason that mostly those owning morgtages seem to be dying? :P

But yeah, as for the latest chapter, he and nobody else (except for Irena) seemed to really care of be affected by it in the slightest. Superpowers don't count as an emotional affect. :P

But yeah, depending onh ow things develop it might not actually matter.

"What's the clock," I asked."

You'd normally say time.

"Already she was quoting the wedding woes."

Vows, but that's a hilarious typo. :D

"I'm fine," I said, a little bugged that's she had asked Irene and not me."

Typo.

"and dad and neither of us has a job, so we have no way to pay for it."

Typo.

"If Irene soled her house"

Typo.

"person who has been death since birth how sound is."

It'd also be hard to describe life tot hem, eh?

"And my "off" I mean "moving","

Typo.

"As I approach the police station, I"

Tenso.

"I want pretend I'm interested in history,"

Gotta love that pretend! I want it too. Phwoar.

The planet was inhabited by a relatively high-technological race.WaZelda

Adverbs and adjectives don't work that way - a grammatically correct phrase would be "technologically advanced". Also, including the word "relative" is, in theory, meaningless when you are not comparing anything - relatively advanced compared to what? 

(I know you mean compared to modern human civilization, but I'm just pointing this out because it's still a fault with the writing, though not necessarily grammar)

differences with the counsel of intelligent planets (CIP) WaZelda

It's an organization... which means you have to capitalize the first letters of each word. Also, it's "Council", not "counsel' (which is a verb).

This was against the intergalactic law that this planet had chosen not to sign WaZelda

"An". "The" can work too, but I'd prefer "an" since the said legislation hasn't really been referenced in any proper detail thus far.

so a group was set to calculate the courses of the dangerous asteroids from the exploded planet. WaZelda

Destroyed. You can't use "exploded" like an adjective.

Agratt was about to go home from work when a colleague came busting in. His colleague, Igror, was most upset and stressed.WaZelda

Repetition. You can avoid that by compressing it to "when a colleague came busting in - Igror, who was most upset and stressed".

but it was still an unforgiveable mistake that could prove to have fatale consequences WaZelda

Fatal.

"Even though the voice of the translator will suggest otherwise, what I tell you is very important," WaZelda

This can be explained as the alien being unfamiliar with the language, but just to let you know, it should be "what I am about to tell you is very important".

It is only three days away from you. I am sorry that we could not alarm you at an earlier stage WaZelda

Alert. 

Near the point where the comet hits, the radiation will kill or give cancer to between thirty and fifty percent. WaZelda

Add "of the population" to the end of this sentence.

How could he forgive himself for having caused the death of billions of individual due to a stupid miscalculation? WaZelda

Individuals.

Anyway, that's about all the editing for this doc wrapped up.

Now, about the story itself - while the benevolent, humanlike and morally upstanding aliens are rather unrealistic, it does make the story interesting and is a rather important plot device from what I can tell, so I'd say their portrayal is a good thing. However, I think you could help the reader to picture the aliens by describing what they look like - are they short and big-headed like the iconic Gray? Do they look much like us with slightly different proportions or skintones or whatnot? .etc. etc.

Also, it may be just me (and it most likely is), but I think the mention of superpowers so early and in such a nonchalant manner (by the main human characters) is in itself... awkward. The apocalypse would seem much more doom-and-gloom grimdark (as such an event should be portrayed) in my opinion if "supernatural abilities" had not been mentioned, because it makes it rather obvious to the reader that our little blue world is actually going to benefit from having a chunk of planet slamming into it.

Speaking of apocalyptic events, a forty-percent chance of cancer average across the entire world does not really qualify as a grand extinction-level event when compared to most science fiction (although I don't think that's what you were shooting for). Think about meteors and what happens when they slam into larger celestial bodies at tens of miles every second - they don't just release radiation capable of utterly wrecking the genologies of entire species', but they also fling millions of tonnes of ejecta into the atmosphere and cause massive environmental damage due to a blockading of sunlight, heavy poisonous-gas emanation and, of course, massive infernos.

Now, the story's comet is probably weaker than a meteor, but it's still going to have a lot more danger than just mutating two fifths of the earth's lifeforms. This could help the atmosphere in your story by pointing out the primary effects of the collision, giving it a darker, grimmer and more mature tone that would certainly play a role in immersion and reader involvement - which is quite an important element in literature (I cannot stress this point enough).

Anyway, I'm done nitpicking here. I'll get around to reading the first Chapter as soon as I can.

I come from Grimstad, live at home with my parents, am single and has no idea what I want to do with my lifeWaZelda

Have. You can't use "has" in a first-person reference.

Whoever decided to finish an eight-hour-long school day at Fridays with two hours of history, must be truly evil WaZelda

That comma is unnecessary.

Sitting in a class room that smells bad while spring is blooming outside the window and every second brings you closer to the weekend, is next to torture. I stood outside the class room with the others and waited for the teacher WaZelda

A classroom is, in writing, quite like a bedroom or bathroom or storeroom or restroom; you don't have to space it. ;)

"___ Weekend is approaching," WaZelda

The.

I noticed that she said one thing, but I heard something else. WaZelda

Given the context of this sentence, I think you should change it to "I noticed that whenever she said something, I heard something else". The original sounds like "she made a statement, but another noise distracted me". 

I looked unhappily at the lines I'd written. I had never even considered using rhymes. I wish I could handle rhymes, but it just seemed like all rhymes that sounded good were overused and had been turned into clichés. Every time I try, I only manage to pull off desperate rhymes. No, the rhymes did not concern me, but the rhythm was lacking here as well. Also, I thought it came out as too banal, and I couldn't think of a way to continue without being to clear. I couldn't manage to make it artistic.WaZelda

That's an awful lot of repetition...

I shut the computer closed. WaZelda

This sentence doesn't make any literal sense. I think you mean "I turned the monitor off".

I will write a book and name it how to get a four without doing anythingWaZelda

As you are describing a "name", you should treat it as one. Capitalize it and insert quotation marks, like this:

"How to get a Four Without Doing Anything".

I don't know if your target group is the people that usually read books,WaZelda

You cannot use "is" when referring to a plural (people). If you want a strong sentence here, just compress it into "I don't know if your target group usually reads books".

         If no: Good for you_

         If yes: That's what it felt like_

WaZelda

Does it feel like reading a sentence that doesn't have a period at the end? :P

I tried to play my favourite game, Metroid Prime for the Game CubeWaZelda

Once again, there's no need to space it.

 

still like I was paralised

WaZelda

Typo. 

*snip last section of story*

WaZelda

I can tell that somebody had fun writing this...

Anyway, once again the problem with the impacting comet (you also referred to it as an "asteroid" in this chapter...) is that its.... threat seems rather downplayed by the way the characters of the story react to its advent. Yeah, sure, some people have the "stay calm, there's nothing we can do" attitude towards doomsday events, but I would normally expect a writer to include bits about religious nuts going crazy with theories of divine retribution, mass panic in the streets, scientists working their asses off, news broadcasts... stuff like that. It would certainly help with immersion value if you did that.

Sigh!

The whole comet thing keeps coming back at me. Truth is I never meant for it to play a very major part in the story, but now I see that if it is going to be in, it has to play a bigger part. You all make some good points, but I'm not sure whether I want to work to get all that into the story or if I want to replace it with another explanation as to why people suddenly get superpowers - and in that case what that explanation would be. I think I will have to go into the thinking box for a while. Don't expect any changes until I'm done translating the first part.

Thing is, we don't actually know whether the comet is a large part of the story or not. It might appera to be so right now, but the story has only just begun. Okay, so that might create the wrong impression, but the problem with integrating it more now before the story is finished, is that if it does end up not being a big part, you've created a hell of a lot more, and even bigger problems for yourself.

She seemed to take a lot of stuff less serious than most girls,WaZelda

That should be an adverb.

However, as she lay there with a small smile on her face and a couple of hairs that went up and down in tact with her breathWaZelda

I'm not sure what you're trying to get at here. I'll hazard a guess and say that what you mean "in tandem with her breathing".

I looked at the clock. 8.13. GoodWaZelda

Time is always indicated with a colon, not a period.

She had rather nice breasts, they pointed slightly upwards the same way her nose did.WaZelda

A comma doesn't really go all that well with this sentence, compared to, say, a hyphen.

If I had ____ been a virgin as I turned twenty, it would have been a little embarrassing.WaZelda

"As' should be changed to "when", and there's room for emphasis through the insertion of a "still" in the area I underlined.

Those units would be called the omega force and consist of people that got super powers.WaZelda

Again, this is a name so you have to capitalize the first letters of both words.

Also, "superpowers" should not be spaced.

I almost had to laugh at the way he managed to turn the seriousness of the conversation down __ many steps.WaZelda

Sentence is incomplete - add a "by" to the underlined area.

I sat down wit my PC and entered Microsoft WordWaZelda

With.

While doomsday shine through its eyesWaZelda

Shines.

The gods roll dicesWaZelda

"Dice" is already in plural form.

There's not much I can say about this chapter - except that the writing is quite polished, with a low error density - and that I'm envious of those who incorporate poetry into their documents, seeing as I can't really write a poem myself. The "comet" (again it's referred to as an asteroid here - please remember that there is a difference) also has more coverage in the character's environment, and there's more elaboration on what the world of this is like, so that's an improvement.

However, at the same time, this whole piece feels a little uneventful, almost like a filler document to show off the ballad at the end. That's my only real complaint here.

I don't have much to say other than that, so I'll leave it off here. 

[QUOTE="WaZelda"]I looked at the clock. 8.13. GoodBarbariser

Time is always indicated with a comma, not a period.

Don't you mean a colon? (8:13 vs. 8,13)

[QUOTE="Barbariser"]

[QUOTE="WaZelda"]I looked at the clock. 8.13. GoodGabuEx

Time is always indicated with a comma, not a period.

Don't you mean a colon? (8:13 vs. 8,13)

Yeah, my mistake.

Umm, your Chapter 3 link is broken. So I'll just use your "overall" doc for critiquing then...

There were showed clips of people that had gathered in their homes and pictures from the centre of Oslo WaZelda

Change that bolded line to one of three possibilities:

-We were shown

-They were shown

-There were clips of people shown

As the day past, I had more than enough time to watch my life in retrospectiveWaZelda

Passed, restrospect.

until one hour before the asteroid were supposed to hitWaZelda

Was.

Except from Christmas eve I hadn't been to the church for yearsWaZelda

For.

For the first time ever I could feel Gods presenceWaZelda

God's.

I, who had often consider to convert to agnosticism, felt that there was someone up there, and I felt small an unimportant.WaZelda

And.

"I heard Anna yell, but I didn't care.WaZelda

This is not dialouge, so the double-quotation marks at the beginning of the paragraph are unnecesary.

Anyway, this chapter's pretty good on the emotion value (despite the rather disruptively high mistake density), and that's good for a story - as a writer, attaching the reader to the content is a vital essence that you should focus on.

As for negatives - besides the unpolished grammar.... you're still referring to your comet as an asteroid.