The Super Police - The Butcher (COMPLETE!)

Okay, you win for referencing Veronica Mars. Loved that friggin' show.

I think I'm a lot more invested in Alice's side of this story, than the Butcher, so I hope you can get back to her soon.

Well, avoid looking suspicious in a way that would make people call the police anyway.WaZelda

That's unnecessary.

If this gives me _ guilty consciousnessWaZelda

A, conscience.

pupils to the side so that I could see Alice's houseWaZelda

She is the narrator, she would not refer to her own house from a third-person point of view.

My whole plan relied on ___ that LiseWaZelda

The idea.

I'm now suspecting that Lund is conspiring with the other bunch - if this was mentioned earlier, I don't remember. Either way, there's a very real chance now that Alice is going to experience a death by excessive gargling.

GAH!

I have problem finding time to write. Now I have the last and most important competition of the season coming up next weekend. Until then I won't get much done, but I only have like two chapters left to translate. I don't think I'll be proofreading and posting until after I've completed it, so expect all the last thirteen chapters at the same time.

Look forward to a solid mix of awesomeness and disappointments.

Alright, so I've finally finished the translation and all that is left is to proof-read and post it and then hopefully find the time to be more active in the union. Here are the first four out of the remaining 13 chapters:

Chapters 11-14
Chapters 1-14

References:
NRK is the state-owned channel in Norway. Arne Scheie is a sports commentator with an almost encyclopedic knowledge of anything sports related. There was once a sports quiz competition for the viewers and the winner got to face Arne Scheie in a duel. Arne won with more than four times as many points. He is quite beloved amongst sports fans, but NRK don't own the rights to any interesting soccer matches anymore, so these days you'll just see Ane commenting on ski jumping.

Kardemommeloven (from a childrens story called kardemommeby) says that: You shall not bother people, you shall be nice and kind, and apart from that you can do as you please.

The "hungry city" line is a reference to Knut Hamsun's "Hunger" which portrays a poor writer living in Oslo who feels alienated by the city which according to him no one can leave from without being marked.

I don't know if the shirtless German tourists are as common in other countries as the Japanese are, but we get a lot of them here. Though to be fair, we don't have a high-ground considering how many middle-aged, topless Norwegians (normally with a large, bright pink stomach) you'll find in certain parts of Spain.

I don't know if you have the idiom "the first man to the mill, gets the wheat" in English. In either way, it is intentional that Erlend is messing up his idioms in that paragraph.

Ullevaal Hageby and Raadhusplassen are the two dark blue streets in the Norwegian monopoly.

Alright, done proofreading three more.

Chapters 15-17

EDIT:
And three more after that

Chapters 18-20

BOOM! Done!

Chapters 21-23
Chapters 1-23

As for what to expect from me in the future, I intend to take a temporary break from the Super Police series and focus my attention towards another project I'm working on called A River of Godsblood. That one is going to be huge if I ever finish it. Probably as long as everything I've posted in the union up to this point combined. So maybe I'll write like a third of it and get back to the Super Police, maybe I'll begin translating before I'm done with the original script, but at this point I'm not sure. If the latter is going to happen, then I will at least have to be sure that I will eventually finish it, because I don't want to start uploading chapters for something I won't finish.

Woooo! Here to attend the completion party :D. Congrats on another work finished, man. Grab yourself a beer and kick back. You deserve it.

I really liked a few scenes in particular, the torture scene, the entire Alice arc. The interaction with Mina was interesting, but it lacks closure to me. We have Erlend over several chapters trying his luck, but there really didn't seem like any particular reason why he should have had to try so hard--by that, I mean it felt like a tiring chase that ended with no real fruition, as Mina really didn't give any real ground. Even if it came to a confrontation with Marcus, I would consider that a proper finish (if you're closing the Mina arc). As well, at the end, I would have liked to see a little closing narration, maybe lamenting on losses or friendships or something, but just a monologue maybe to really close the entire story off with finality.

Otherwise, it's a nifty story with nice thrills. It definitely helps to read all thirteen chapters in one go, as it takes you in and keeps you in the mood for the entire duration. It was a fun adventure, man. Thanks.

I'm screwed now. :(

First chapter then I'll try and finish this then. See you guys in a year or two!

I'm screwed now. :(

First chapter then I'll try and finish this then. See you guys in a year or two!

Foolz3h

Woooo! Here to attend the completion party :D. Congrats on another work finished, man. Grab yourself a beer and kick back. You deserve it.

I really liked a few scenes in particular, the torture scene, the entire Alice arc. The interaction with Mina was interesting, but it lacks closure to me. We have Erlend over several chapters trying his luck, but there really didn't seem like any particular reason why he should have had to try so hard--by that, I mean it felt like a tiring chase that ended with no real fruition, as Mina really didn't give any real ground. Even if it came to a confrontation with Marcus, I would consider that a proper finish (if you're closing the Mina arc). As well, at the end, I would have liked to see a little closing narration, maybe lamenting on losses or friendships or something, but just a monologue maybe to really close the entire story off with finality.

Otherwise, it's a nifty story with nice thrills. It definitely helps to read all thirteen chapters in one go, as it takes you in and keeps you in the mood for the entire duration. It was a fun adventure, man. Thanks.

Sharpie125

I guess the lack of closure is more due to it being an ongoing series. I mean, I'm kinda foreshadowing an upcoming court case with Alice and if the series goes on for long enough to reach autumn, then Erlend, Mina, Marcus and Thomas will eventually have to attend police academy together, so that arc isn't really closed either.

[QUOTE="Foolz3h"]

I'm screwed now. :(

First chapter then I'll try and finish this then. See you guys in a year or two!

iloveflash

Alrihgt man, I think I might make my way through this first then, or get a little further into it anyway. Editing extreme wordiness (not insulting MS, don't get me wrong) is a bit too draining right now! 

What I've read has the potential to be freaking awesome, and a lot of it is. I miss the original, but this looks like a perfectly viable alternative! 

It even has random erections!

Editing extreme wordiness (not insulting MS, don't get me wrong) is a bit too draining right now! 

Foolz3h

chapter 9:

    "The same reason why feminists would watch porn movies," I explained.

Lulz.

exciting chapter. The rapist should be referred to only he or it, unless you know that and were trying to emphasis his beastliness.

Must. resist. demeaning Erland. :P

Chapter 10 comment.

FFS GS formatting.

"Those damages are large,"Wz

The damage is high.

"If he had escaped and the media found out about it then he would be butchered in the news anywayWz

We.

He fired a few shot blindlyWz

Shots.

The quality of the language has improved a great deal since your last chapter, in my opinion. Also, the shift in tone from relatively happy to very dark is a pretty exciting change in the story and I think you managed to pull it off. 

Chapter 11

"Decided to betrayed me"

Betray me.

"danceband"

Probably shouldn't be one word.

solidox smile?!

"warmed me up at the inside"

On.

Lol what did Erland expect with the kiss?

On the other hand, not everyone who lived there was at home, so I could not be a hundred percent certain that the Butcher would not murder a regular person whom he thought was a mutant that I had told him about.Wz

If the mutants are not at home, they can't be sensed, which means that Erlend can't tell Lund about them.

____ it was the adrenaline, survival instinct and force of will that kept me going.Wz

Knew.

I used ____my last energy while my speed kept decreasing.Wz

The last of.

"Idiot," I heard Thomas mumbled as I closed the door.Wz

Mumble.

"Do you think they had hit us so perfectly with the tunnel thing otherwise?"  Wz

Could have.

"That's difference," Telek replied.Wz

Different.

feel _ part of his brain running down my shirtWz

A.

I think this is the best one so far. I did notice the transition from lighthearted comedy at the start of the series to a much darker and more mature direction, and I would say that it was a bit jarring, but not badly paced. In any case, the massive number of deaths and the tragic consequences - for both good guys and bad guys - marks a huge change in your **** and it is to my taste. Also, it's become plainly obvious to me that BR is the story's most important antagonist - he's survived all three books so far and you have clearly set him up to be the least likable and most psychotic character around. 

WaZ, there is a button in the insert menu of Google Docs called "Table of Contents", click on it to remake the Contents at the beginning of the document, then please change the heading of each Chapter (eg: Chapter 1: Holiday?) from "Normal Text" to "Heading 1, 2, 3, etc.", then type back in the chapters in the table of contents to create links to each chapter within the document.iloveflash

Is it better now? It seems I didn't even have to type in the chapters again, they were autmoatically linked in the table of contents once I headlined them.

solidox smile?!

Foolz3h

Basically a smile that could come straight out of a toothpaste commercial. Chose to go with solidox because I hate colgate so much.

Also, it's become plainly obvious to me that BR is the story's most important antagonist - he's survived all three books so far and you have clearly set him up to be the least likable and most psychotic character around. 

Barbariser

I'm looking forwards to writing the next volume with Ben Rudi back out of jail. Though at the moment I have too many ideas for the next volume and when I start working on it I must either try to cut some of them or just work hard on how to arrange them so it works well.

Chapter 12:

"he snared."

I think you mean snarled.

"And seriosuly considered to make"

'Considered making the threat more than an empty one' might flow a lot better.

Chapter 13:

"further away than that he could watch lund"

than he could see Lund, probably.

"to kill was asleep"

were.

"Butcher filled up lungs with water"

The guard's or his probably.

"so that it would be a problem"

so that it would not work, or fire or something would flow better.

"right nearby was a toilet"

toilet cubicle?

/Barbariser mode.

The force of the grenades should have killed him. He doesn't need his life cells to be hit by shrapnel; the shock wave should be enough! 

"releatively meaning mroe than he felt comfortable with"

I think just more than he felt comfortable with is enoguh. The rest slows the flow.

"the board new that it would cost"

Cost a lot?

"he would be butchered in the media"

we would be?

Exciting chapter! Good job.

chapter 14:

"and it was holidays they showed it"

think that should be "when it was holidays"

"Swich"

Tyo.

"modus"

Should probably be mode givent he time. Also, where's the operandi? :P

"If I got a good"

get a good.

"I side on the inside of the car"

lolwat.

Anyway good stuff. WAT HAPENZ NXTTTT

chapter 15:

"That could origin"

Originate.

"If anyone came"

TEEHEE.

"The room he landed in was a corridor"

Then it's not a room? xD

"Could had"

could have.

"Where his" would flow better.

"his head on"

It's usually just his head. :p

"Bottom of the stair."

STairs.

"Taken into accoutn"

Taking.

"after it had ejected"

Not necessary, unless you mean that the air bag had been deployed and not that the bullet had left the gun in which case you need to reword it as that's not how it reads.

Anyway another exciting chapter. Good stuff. :D

Waz is this proof reading useful to you?

Chapter 16:

"As I handed them to me."

To him.

"I intensly rued"

"cough"

shouldn't be in talking parts. Especially if his mouth is gagged! Also phlegm rather than bacteria. Presumably.

"my tow"

typo.

Damn, he cracked incredibly easy. Oh well.

Chapter 17:

"took the hood"

Pulled the hood.

"get it our"

Typo, out.

"about to strangle me"

Choke I think you mean. Or perhaps drown.

"Absolutely last chance"

Missed closing the talking marks.

Well, at least it took him more to actually crack. Good stuff. Shouldn't be in a great deal more pain while walking, though?

Chapter 18:

Still pretty bad justification, though. Tell that to the family of those who did get killed. :P

Too many typos to list. :P

Anyway brilliant chapter. Very exciting and pulled off effortlessly!

Chapter 19:

Once again lots of typos. Dude, what happened to his toe? His injuries?

Chapter 20:

Heat pump? I don't think that's what they're in English! Err, what is a heat pimp? :P

"And I could not kill her beaucse she would die."

:lol:

Great stuff. :D

the recap at the beginning of previous events was a bit awkward I think, but otherwise another good chapter.

"You know I might rape you one day"

Ben Rudi for the mother****ing win! :lol:

"A lot of pressure on me"

Not to mentiont he MISSING TOE AND GUNSHOT WOUND.

"very please"

very pleased.

"can not"

one word.

"q1uickly"

xD

"first hand"

one word.

"the already broken nose"

my alraedy...

"turned up the speed"

You don't really turn up speed. accelerated?

"don't mind killing someone"

doesn't.

"that's difference."

Different.

"in side me were"

inside.

"bullet in shoulder"

Good to see he hasn't forgotten abotu that, though apparently the toe has grown back!

"his wings, which was"

which were.

Bullet removed, and straight out of the hospital? Are you srue Erlan doesn't have more super powers than his sense?! Still, at leat he's not just going for a walk.

You know the healing would help the gaping wound where his toe was. xD

Anyway I'm finished! I think it's a big improvement over the first one. Some really great scenes and set pieces, and I didn't mind the ending. It's a series, and pretty much everything was wrapped up that was going on, and wrapped up very well. Looking forward to part 3 a lot! :D :D :D

So I made it to where I left off, which is ch.4, the concert, and it only just dawned on me how cool a character Alice is. I mean she's a super police officer who happens to be hot who also happens to be a local singing sensation.

Daaaayum.

Alice singing? I don't remember that...did I not finish the series? I thought I did. :(

Maybe it sounds vaguely familiar...

She had a concert with her band and did the fire thing for show. Then she had to attend a legal guardian meeting for the kid, Adrian.

This is in The Butcher.