Last Friday I went clubbing with some friends. Met a chick. Got with that chick. I don't remember anything about her except for what we did. It was fun and all, but I don't really feel like seeing her again.
YESTERDAY night, at around 11pm, I get a text message from her asking me if I'd like to 'get together during the holidays or something'.
First of all, I'm pissed off that she got my number in the first place. She must have gotten it from Emma (one of the friends I went clubbing with).
I don't want to see this woman again. I'm not looking for anything serious right now, not even a 'fun holiday fling' or whatever you want to call it. In short, 'hell no' I do not want to see her or get involved with her.
So, in my situation, what would you do?
[Keep in mind that she knows a few of my female friends and that I'd be a jerk (and be told so) if I blew her off less than gently (for instance, by replying "Hell No. Ok Bye").]
This isn't the first time this has happened, either. But this just took me completely by surprise. So... WWYD? NB: This isn't exactly a thread asking for 'dating advice' (I like to think I know better than to ask for that kind of input on an internet videogaming forum). I'm not asking for advice per se. I'm simply asking you to tell me what you would do were you in my position. Maybe I'll get inspired from a few responses.
Well... I wouldn't be in your situation. I don't believe that it's right to have casual sex, if for no reason other than the risk of disease. But if I were...
I'd talk to her a couple of times, and let her down gently. It's the least you can do for someone who gave you a good time, right? Let her know in as nice a manner as possible that you don't think it'd work and tyou'd rather make a clean break.
well to refute ^^ I think it's fine to have some casual fun. So in that situation I would be like hey look, we had a lot of fun and I hope you had a great time but right now I'm really not looking for a serious relationship and I hope you can understand if I don't want to take this any farther
[QUOTE="Def_Jef88"]Heres an idea, stop being such a bad person.Jagg3d
Seriously, he asked for some help don't be an a** just because you think you have a "higher" moral ground Im sorry, but there something wrong with a person who goes around sleeping with people he has no intetntions being with.
Those arent "morals", its common decency. (of course, thats also quite scarce this day)
How about you meet and discuss it with her personally instead of lame text messages, then you can just say "Sorry not interested in anything serious right now" to her face
[QUOTE="Jagg3d"][QUOTE="Def_Jef88"]Heres an idea, stop being such a bad person.Def_Jef88
Seriously, he asked for some help don't be an a** just because you think you have a "higher" moral ground Im sorry, but there something wrong with a person who goes around sleeping with people he has no intetntions being with.
Those arent "morals", its common decency. (of course, thats also quite scarce this day) Well I agree it is decency to not do this, but as you said it is today's culture and thank TV that it is acceptable to hook up with anyone anytime so it is a situation we must deal with
You know the morning after you should make it clear that you had fun and that's it, It sounds to me like you didn't. Why don't you just say that now? Still time right?
[QUOTE="Jagg3d"][QUOTE="Def_Jef88"]Heres an idea, stop being such a bad person.Def_Jef88
Seriously, he asked for some help don't be an a** just because you think you have a "higher" moral ground Im sorry, but there something wrong with a person who goes around sleeping with people he has no intetntions being with.
Those arent "morals", its common decency. (of course, thats also quite scarce this day) Sounds like she did the same thing, and then changed her mind.
How about you meet and discuss it with her personally instead of lame text messages, then you can just say "Sorry not interested in anything serious right now" to her face-PureDemon-
[QUOTE="-PureDemon-"]How about you meet and discuss it with her personally instead of lame text messages, then you can just say "Sorry not interested in anything serious right now" to her faceguthwulf_de
Yeah, that sounds like a reasonable idea. ZOMG you changed your avatar...you can't do that!
[QUOTE="Def_Jef88"][QUOTE="Jagg3d"][QUOTE="Def_Jef88"]Heres an idea, stop being such a bad person.Jagg3d
Seriously, he asked for some help don't be an a** just because you think you have a "higher" moral ground Im sorry, but there something wrong with a person who goes around sleeping with people he has no intetntions being with.
Those arent "morals", its common decency. (of course, thats also quite scarce this day) Well I agree it is decency to not do this, but as you said it is today's culture and thank TV that it is acceptable to hook up with anyone anytime so it is a situation we must deal with And here goes GS OT fight number 1 896 349 296 295 354 343 321.....................
[QUOTE="Jagg3d"][QUOTE="Def_Jef88"][QUOTE="Jagg3d"][QUOTE="Def_Jef88"]Heres an idea, stop being such a bad person.xwolfghost
Seriously, he asked for some help don't be an a** just because you think you have a "higher" moral ground Im sorry, but there something wrong with a person who goes around sleeping with people he has no intetntions being with.
Those arent "morals", its common decency. (of course, thats also quite scarce this day) Well I agree it is decency to not do this, but as you said it is today's culture and thank TV that it is acceptable to hook up with anyone anytime so it is a situation we must deal with And here goes GS OT fight number 1 896 349 296 295 354 343 321..................... Even if he has a point it's not really relevant, I mean the guy is already in this situation, telling him not to get into it isn't going to get him out of it.
[QUOTE="guthwulf_de"][QUOTE="-PureDemon-"]How about you meet and discuss it with her personally instead of lame text messages, then you can just say "Sorry not interested in anything serious right now" to her faceArticuno76
Yeah, that sounds like a reasonable idea. ZOMG you changed your avatar...you can't do that! I had that one before the other one! :o
[QUOTE="Articuno76"][QUOTE="guthwulf_de"][QUOTE="-PureDemon-"]How about you meet and discuss it with her personally instead of lame text messages, then you can just say "Sorry not interested in anything serious right now" to her faceguthwulf_de
Yeah, that sounds like a reasonable idea. ZOMG you changed your avatar...you can't do that! I had that one before the other one! :o Damn...I don't even remember that far back.
[QUOTE="guthwulf_de"][QUOTE="Articuno76"][QUOTE="guthwulf_de"][QUOTE="-PureDemon-"]How about you meet and discuss it with her personally instead of lame text messages, then you can just say "Sorry not interested in anything serious right now" to her faceArticuno76
Yeah, that sounds like a reasonable idea. ZOMG you changed your avatar...you can't do that! I had that one before the other one! :o Damn...I don't even remember that far back. :lol: I have to admit it was at least three months ago...
Sex is an extremely intimate and emotion filled activity... usually performed between to people who are passionate about each other. You brought this on yourself, you are going to have to get yourself out of it.
[QUOTE="Jagg3d"][QUOTE="Def_Jef88"]Heres an idea, stop being such a bad person.Def_Jef88
Seriously, he asked for some help don't be an a** just because you think you have a "higher" moral ground Im sorry, but there something wrong with a person who goes around sleeping with people he has no intetntions being with.
Those arent "morals", its common decency. (of course, thats also quite scarce this day) Yep. When you engage in intimate activity with someone, dont expect them to just shrug off relations with you... Next time, THINK about what you are doing before you do it..
Sex is an extremely intimate and emotion filled activity... usually performed between to people who are passionate about each other. You brought this on yourself, you are going to have to get yourself out of it.foxhound_fox
Sex is an extremely intimate and emotion filled activity... usually performed between to people who are passionate about each other. You brought this on yourself, you are going to have to get yourself out of it.foxhound_fox
Dude, sex is an instinct driven act to reproduce, brought on by hormones. Don't make it out to be something it's not. It's the basic animalistic urge to procreate. Don't blame the morals, FFS people have casual sex all the time, just because you don't doesn't make it wrong.
[QUOTE="Def_Jef88"][QUOTE="Jagg3d"][QUOTE="Def_Jef88"]Heres an idea, stop being such a bad person.BlackBeauty
Seriously, he asked for some help don't be an a** just because you think you have a "higher" moral ground Im sorry, but there something wrong with a person who goes around sleeping with people he has no intetntions being with.
Those arent "morals", its common decency. (of course, thats also quite scarce this day) Yep. When you engage in intimate activity with someone, dont expect them to just shrug off relations with you... Next time, THINK about what you are doing before you do it..
When you engage in intimate activity with someone you just met, there should be no expectation for a relationship. It was a consenting situation between two adults and therefore none of my business morally (it's common decency not to judge people).
As far as some actual helpful advice, I'd recommend one of two approaches. First you can tell her you're busy, and continue to cancel plans politely (she'll eventually get the msg). The other thing is you can try the whole not ready for a relationship thing, but I find most of the time she'll rebuttle with the "it's just fooling around", or "it's nothing serious" speech.
[QUOTE="Def_Jef88"][QUOTE="Jagg3d"][QUOTE="Def_Jef88"]Heres an idea, stop being such a bad person.BlackBeauty
Seriously, he asked for some help don't be an a** just because you think you have a "higher" moral ground Im sorry, but there something wrong with a person who goes around sleeping with people he has no intetntions being with.
Those arent "morals", its common decency. (of course, thats also quite scarce this day) Yep. When you engage in intimate activity with someone, dont expect them to just shrug off relations with you... Next time, THINK about what you are doing before you do it.. Yeah, that makes sense IF one of the people expects considers it intimate. What you're missing is that this was supposed to be a one night stand, which by definition means neither party expects anything to come of it. In this case it sounds like she knows this but changed her mind, which is breaking the rules somewhat. TBH I don't get why the OP can't just nicely tell her that he had fun but doesn't want anything serious, how hard can that be?
look...casual sex comes with it's prblems...jsut the way life goes...feelings aren't easily controlled..and while htere are obviously none onb your part....she became attached to you on some level.....you're just going to have to take care of i...tell her you enjoyed your evening together...but you're just not looking for anyting more than that now.....she'll probably call you a ******* and get bitter...but at least you're not stringer her along....
[QUOTE="BlackBeauty"][QUOTE="Def_Jef88"][QUOTE="Jagg3d"][QUOTE="Def_Jef88"]Heres an idea, stop being such a bad person.Articuno76
Seriously, he asked for some help don't be an a** just because you think you have a "higher" moral ground Im sorry, but there something wrong with a person who goes around sleeping with people he has no intetntions being with.
Those arent "morals", its common decency. (of course, thats also quite scarce this day) Yep. When you engage in intimate activity with someone, dont expect them to just shrug off relations with you... Next time, THINK about what you are doing before you do it.. Yeah, that makes sense IF one of the people expects considers it intimate. What you're missing is that this was supposed to be a one night stand, which by definition means neither party expects anything to come of it. In this case it sounds like she knows this but changed her mind, which is breaking the rules somewhat. TBH I don't get why the OP can't just nicely tell her that he had fun but doesn't want anything serious, how hard can that be?
Right, I see where you're coming from. And yes...why can't the OP just tell the girl he doesn't want anything to do with her??? He has nothing to lose (seeing that this was a one night stand).
I have a feeling that your true mistake was not being clear from the beginning that anything that would happen is just a one time deal. Most guys don't do that because they fear the girl won't put out, so they send mixed signals and girls will see what they want to see. So my real advice is to start being a man at the beginning so you don't have these problems in the future- you might lose a few opportunities, but at least you won't end up hurting anyone. As for this time, the best thing you could do is just tell her that while you had a good time, you only wanted a one time thing and therefore would like to leave it in the past. A bit more shady way is to just say you're seeing someone now.
It's difficutlt. Woman tend to get more attached and give much more value to certain intimate activities than men. I've been in similar situations where I am attracted to a woman but really don't want to be in a relationship with her. I usually don't do anything with her then, because it becomes such a hassle afterwards. But I'm only human and in certain situations, it's easy to give in to temptation.
If all you wanted to do was have a one night stand, at least tell her you didn't want a relationship from the start.
fatzombiepigeon
If you sleep with the girl the same night you meet her then it's quite implicit that that's all it's supposed to be, it's hard to tell in the OP's case since apparently this person is a friend of a friend, but it sounds like the usual meet-that-night deal, which should make it alarmingly clear to both parties that what happens that night is all it's going to be.
If events played out how I think, she knew full well what she was getting into, but as Omni pointed out, people get attached.
Just be the ass you want to be, I'm serious, its the only way out. I remember two years ago, I went to this house party with one of my boys. Needless to say I got pretty drunk. Around 2am I remember bumping into my friend who was talking to some girl. I don't know exactly what I did, but the next thing I knew I was holding her hand and walking to my friend's car. Then I had her up against the car making out with her as both of us are just feeling the other up. Moments later I am in the straw field laying her out. My friend drives us off, and apparently she told me to call her sometime.
A few days later, I'm with my other buddy and we decide to skip going to the gym that day, get a few beers and watch the game with a few girls. Ends up, the girl I had hooked up with the last weekend was there. Aas my buddy is introducing me to them, he gets to the girl I hooked up with and goes: "I know you too already know each other pretty well". I'm like, damn man, how the hell did this happen. I end up completely ignoring the girl the entire night, and watch the game as if nothing happened. Needless to say the Sox beat the yanks in game 4 of the playoffs with Ortiz slamming the ball out of the field.
Score one for the boys, yeahh my pimpy friend. Look, here's the deal. Im sure you and the girl have a great time together. It was mutual so dont feel guilty. Just be nice and say you're not interest in getting into a serious relationship with here. Honesty is the way to go in this case coz everything is mutual. Maybe you too can be friends so the girl wont feel so bad. Maybe she'll hook up with another dude days later??? Who knows??
I've had a one night stand, then have also been a victem of a one night stand.
I am sorry to tell you this, but the girl you decided to sleep with has grown emotionally attatched. Such is sex, though. It happens. Sex is a powerful tool that controls powerful emotions (for some people. I relaize not EVERYONE is the same, however some people are effected differently by it then others). The only way you CAN turn her down is by being "harsh" to her. Anything you say is going to seem harsh to her....unless shes just lookin for a **** buddy....but I recommend staying away from that whole situation too. You are going to just have to tell her the truth and explaine it to your friends that are girls if they give you heat. Good luck. Next time, I hope you will remember what happened here and try to have a little self control.
[QUOTE="Jagg3d"][QUOTE="Def_Jef88"]Heres an idea, stop being such a bad person.Def_Jef88
Seriously, he asked for some help don't be an a** just because you think you have a "higher" moral ground Im sorry, but there something wrong with a person who goes around sleeping with people he has no intetntions being with.
Those arent "morals", its common decency. (of course, thats also quite scarce this day)
I agree. Having sex with someone is one of the most powerful connections between two people, both by body and by the mind. They say a part of you is shared between you and your partner and just giving that part away all the time is immoral.
[QUOTE="Jagg3d"][QUOTE="Def_Jef88"]Heres an idea, stop being such a bad person.Def_Jef88
Seriously, he asked for some help don't be an a** just because you think you have a "higher" moral ground Im sorry, but there something wrong with a person who goes around sleeping with people he has no intetntions being with.
Those arent "morals", its common decency. (of course, thats also quite scarce this day) Kid you have alot of growin up to do. When you get out into the real world you'll see different.
[QUOTE="Def_Jef88"][QUOTE="Jagg3d"][QUOTE="Def_Jef88"]Heres an idea, stop being such a bad person.Bobby_Oz
Seriously, he asked for some help don't be an a** just because you think you have a "higher" moral ground Im sorry, but there something wrong with a person who goes around sleeping with people he has no intetntions being with.
Those arent "morals", its common decency. (of course, thats also quite scarce this day) Kid you have alot of growin up to do. When you get out into the real world you'll see different. ROTFLMAO
[QUOTE="Jagg3d"][QUOTE="Def_Jef88"]Heres an idea, stop being such a bad person.Def_Jef88
Seriously, he asked for some help don't be an a** just because you think you have a "higher" moral ground Im sorry, but there something wrong with a person who goes around sleeping with people he has no intetntions being with.
Those arent "morals", its common decency. (of course, thats also quite scarce this day) In the adult world there exists something called sexuality, attraction and the sexual lifestyle. For thousands of generations these three ingredients have combined to make people get together and fulfill their physical passions. I'll describe a facet of human sexuality you may have not suspected exists: for a man and a woman to reproduce, the man must attract the woman on many levels. That in itself could fill up an encyclopaedia, but the mechanisms of attraction are not the main focus of our discussion today. For millions of years, human males who have succeeded in 'having' a female have generally fit one of two major profiles: the 'provider', who provides the woman with shelter, food, and all that she needs to survive; and the 'lover', someone who simply attracts the woman through genetic non-material traits. The woman maintains a relationship with the former because subconsciously her instinctive mind is telling her that this man is a good provider for her and any potential offspring. The woman has sexual relations with the latter because another part of her instinctive mind is telling her (through observing his behaviour and appearance) that that male possesses good genes that are desirable for this woman's children. Sometimes, the woman may have two male suitors, the provider and the lover. In these cases the woman will often bear the lover's children. While 'scandalous' *, this is a survival mechanism designed to spread good genes around as much as possible and ensure genetic 'variety' and 'mixing' (there is a precise scientific term for this but I have forgotten it). This type of behaviour is the reason why YOU ARE HERE TODAY. Your ancestors engaged in it. Without it, we wouldn't be alive, and the human race would either be extinct or very, very different. Result: the behaviour described above, along with the two archetypes of 'lover' and 'provider' are still very much present today. This is reflected in the fact that as of 1998, 64% of the children born in Iceland, 54% of those born in Sweden, and 38% of children born in Great Britain were illegitimate, for instance. (These illegitimacy figures are similarly startling throughout the world if you check it out. That's including the USA.) You may not like it, but what you call 'indecent' is nature, my friend. It is the way the living world works. Being animals ourselves (I assume we haven't suddenly evolved into deities in the last five minutes) we humans share this common situation with all living beings big and small. In conclusion: if two mature people can get together under no pretenses, no strings attached, and simply enjoy the moment for one night, is that so bad (especially if it is carried out with full precautions)? Is the two people understand that this is just 'fun' and that they are just living in the moment, is that so indecent? This time, it just so happens that one of these two people wants to take this further. So I created this topic to see what people on GS would do in my situation, the situation of the guy who is still at a stage in life where he wants to explore and be 'free', if only for a while. Yet for some reason, you're making me and a lot of other people to be monsters. Whether it's out of ignorance, frustration or simply because it's easy to judge people behind a computer screen, I don't know. By the way, the whole field of evolutionary science pretty much backs my argument, including a respected authority on the subject, prominent evolutionary scientist from Stanford Dr. Geoffrey Miller. [*I see why it would be scandalous if a woman is fooling around behind her partner's back, but what's so wrong if two people are just fooling around full stop?]
I want to add something to the argument I made earlier: the result of this sexual and genetic reality is that males are afraid of women's sexual power to CHOOSE. I believe that this is why we have created a restrictive patriarchal society that views sex as 'indecent' (especially if out of 'wedlock'.. what a horrible term, 'wedlock'..) and has locked women in the kitchen for the past couple thousand years.
The girl must to have had a good time, she just wants more 8). You can just tell her that you'll think about it because you don't know what you are going to be doing at that time. Perhaps a "trip" to Panama or China....just throwing some ideas out there...
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