Death's Saviour (Complete!)

Chapter 8

The sun was at its peak and it did not help keep the drops from appearing all over her face.

There are two problems with this line. When you use the word 'it' in the second sentence it puts emphasis on the 'it', which refers to the sun here. Now this implies that the sun did not actively go and help her. Rather, you must have meant that the sun being at its peak was in no way helping her situation. So the 'it' can be dropped.

drops appearing all over the face? Eww! Try something more classy. Okay see how the sentence fits: 'The sun was at its peak and the was in no way helping with her sweating, as beads of salty water rolled down her forehead and cheeks.' A slight change in meaning but I think this sounds better than the the above sentence.

The woman saw herself stand in front of her half-finished house.

'standing' - gerund

First there was nothing particular to see, but then she lay eyes on a figure walking towards her. 

'laid' should be the correct tense and it should be 'laid her eyes'. Eyes are the object and should be used with a possessive pronoun. Also when you use the phrase 'laid his/her eyes', it usually implies an active effort to notice something. Here, she was just carelessly gazing in a direction and 'her eyes fell on the figure...'

The figure had a black robe and a strange hat in the same colour. 

'of the same colour' and 'wore' would a better substitute for 'had', unless the figure was carrying it instead of wearing it.

A small acrobat jumped down from a shelf nearby 

acrobat? Are you sure you got the right word there? Because acrobat refers to a person only

After having found bread, meat and water, the man sat down by the table with the woman. 

'After' is pretty much redundant

She picked up the key from the bag, put it on the table and told the man about his dream. 

'her'?

The woman finished her meal before she found a carpet in his closet 

Another implication problem. This merely qualifies the chronological order of finishing the meal and finding the closet. But your sentence should say that she finished her meal before actively searching for the carpet and finding it. Also seen from the grammar point of view, there are two main verbs here for a single clause - finish and find. So, I'd suggest you change the second verb to a gerund. Try 'The woman finished her meal before finding the carpet( or going on to find a carpet) in the closet.'

Not so long afterwards the sleepiness pressed her eyelids shut. 

'sleep' would be right word here 

It was still dark and she had a feeling it was a whileuntil the sun would rise. 

Tense disagreement! 'it would be a while until sunrise'

Not much has happened in this chapter and whatever did happen has been dull and uneventful. Not much to say, but there were quite a few mistakes that need your attention. 

Chapter 9

Eran blinked, still dozy 

Not a much used word, usually 'drowsy' is used, but it's not wrong. No need of changing it.

She stared in shock at the steel he pointed at her and he blushed when he mumbled an apology and put the knife back in its sheath. 

That would mean that he blushed because he mumbled an apology. It's a cause and effect relationship if you 'when' there. Try 'he blushed, while mumbling an apology...'

Dogs protected their owners and were suspicious towards strangers, monkeys didn't. 

Oh Really? 

Eran realized that it could be a trick, but he did not manage to just walk away, so he concluded that if it had been the old man's plan, then he had fallen for it.  

That would mean that he tried to walk away but his plan was foiled. Use a 'could' instead of 'did' and it would emphasize that he was unable to walk away because of himself and not some external force stopping him 

A somewhat chubby man who started getting grey hairs opened and his expression cracked up and became a smile as he waved them in. 

Why are mayors generally depicted as fat or chubby? 

yet it still wasn't odder than a lot of the other stuff that had happened.  

Comparitive form of 'odd is 'more odd' 

Why are your canes shaped like snakes – I mean, in many stories about dreamers there are snakes and usually they are symbols of lies and evil. 

Why do I get the feeling that you threw in the snakes story to simply explain your opinion on the bad reputation of snakes? 

Too many missing question marks.

When you spoke about lowering the enemy morale and raising the allied morale, it seemes that you were looking things in black and white, especially this:

Even if our morale is greater than theirs, a village of two thousand inhabitants can not defeat an army of five thousand trained men 

The way it is presented, it seems that the morale of the armies are taken on a linear scale, as one would see in a game like Total War. An immature line of thought.

Overall a good chapter and the story seems to be picking up pace once again. Also, have given the story of how Eran killed Garo anywhere. I'd like to know what happened.

Chapter 10

In any case I want mind that you live in it."

'won't' 

I haven't lost a battle of fist in my life. 

battle of fist? That's a nice phrase

"And besides, one who has won three times get to marry whoever he wants 

'gets'

Interesting chapter. Not much happens but all the same, I liked the chapter 

Chapter 11 

When Eran asked about her Marakk just told him she had left very early.

comma before Marakk

"Sarek is the best drawer," 

Drawer? LOL!! It's artist. Your cupboard has drawers, your study table has drawers, your workbench has drawers, but a guy can't be a drawer.

I'm noticing fewer errors. I think either your writing in the last two chapters is very good or I'm getting so drawn into the story that I'm missing errors... Rather a combination of both. Good writing and great storytelling! WIN!!

Chapter 12

She always had the same juvenile feeling of anticipation when she went through the trees. 

'went' is not a good word there. Try 'walked'

She opened her eyes to see a long, wavy field of grass bathed in strong sunlight. 

That would mean that the field was long and way, not the grass. '...to see a field of long, wavy grass.'

Not that far away she could see the wall around the town 

'that' is unnecessary

She ran with high speed and elegantly jumped over it. 

I see that you use the phrase 'with high speed/velocity' a lot of times. it's okay for occasional usage but as a whole it's a clunky phrase. Just use 'fast'

and they usually just met her one day a year 

'once a year' sounds much better

but they had still got a nice relationship with her. 

eh? awkward and tense error. Use a better sentence like 'but they were still quite close' or 'but they still had a good relationship going between them.'

As long as I give her milk before we go it should be enough for a while, and if she starts complaining just give her some water. 

water? that's sick! Babies need food, they can't survive on water for two days. And how long do you think a feed will last. Babies get hungry all the time. They need small amounts of food but several times throughout the day. 

...in a velocity that was five or six times faster than they could have achieved in the normal world. 

'velocity' is more technical term. In general, please use 'speed' instead.

fastened it around her neck while she made a wind that gave her hair and dress a dramatic effect. 

'made a wind'? What, like a fart? Anyway, the sentence as a whole is kinda awkward. Reword it.

"Turn and go home," she said. "Do not go to Saram." 

Reading the line and the paras that follow, I felt that the 'Don't go to Saram' part had reduced the eerie effect that the first line produced. It would have been better if you had dropped that Saram part. Anyway, just my opinion.

"I do not believe in your dreams," he said loud and clear. "If Helidriel had anything against this raid, would she not reveal herself to me in a dream, or at least to the priest? Why reveal herself to common soldiers?"

 "Are you really afraid of the crops? I offer you immortality – not only to you, but to all humans. What would a good harvest mean to you if you no longer had to fear death? I only eat food made by the best chiefs – and only for the sake of the taste. I do not need to eat, and once we win the battle in Saram neither will you." 

Strong speech, really good one. Gives so much life and character to Girlam.

"The dream you talk about it a lie," he said hard. 

'about is a lie'. And he said 'hard'? Try some other qualifier

While details add beauty to the prose, you sometimes go overboard with the details - like the usage of the two man-saw in a previous chapter and the lifting of the baby in this chapter. I just skip these parts and go, because slowing down to read them breaks the flow and seems pretty pointless

Good going. The start of the chapter seemed kinda vague but the Girlam part was good 

Chapter 13

Half the sun had gone to rest and the other half painted the sky yellow with red and purple clouds 

lol, weird expression

After wrapping the cloth around Eran's head 

'eyes' actually. Because head would generally imply the part of the head above the eyes.

 and it tells the enemy that you are the slow, strong type 

more like the slow, clumsy type

"When you block an attack it is useful to completely straighten out one arm and get a lock on your elbow," 

Actually there is a problem with that. If you're fighting with kids then that strategy would work, but when you're fighting against a man, especially one who knows throw some force into his sword and swing it right, it's a risk. The force of the attack will cause considerable trauma to the elbow. If the enemy keeps up the pace, then he could break your elbow in no time.

With sword fight, I'd guess that an element of elasticity of defence is important. It's just like lowering your hands when you catch a ball that's falling from a great height. You stick it out and the full force of the falling ball will go straight to the palm. Lowering the arm with the ball just before you catch it will reduce the impact of the ball.

Eran and Jalim stood face to face in their fighting stanzas 

stanzas! LOL!! poems have stanzas. It's 'stance' here

"Someone prefers to have some distance between their opponent 

Wrong! 'Some prefer' 

When you are closer to your enemy there will always be one of you that have the initiative and one that is defending. 

'has'. We're refering to just one of them. It's singular. 

In some fights the duellists are so even that who is attacking and who is defending is frequently changing. 

'frequently changes'

You definitely need to work on your tenses. I've seen a lot of problems with tenses in your writing. 

And sprinkled in your writing(overall) are odd expressions, stuff that I haven't come across and don't seem like they can be used or don't fit in the context, but I didn't pick them out because they simply spoiled my reading and are probably not worth it.

A slow chapter, but nonetheless important as it seems you're once again setting things up for what is to come. 

Chapter 14

He placed his hands on it, carefully as though it was glass and not an unbreakable diamond. 

redundant and spoils the effect of the similie

His only concern was how the people would react – the people whose beliefs were strong, which would make it hard to convince them that higher powers weren't sending them dreams. 

Confusing. Which people are you talking about? And the flow of logic is also all over the place. You seem to present a contradiction to support a view.

We are going to pull our resources into finding the responsible people 

'pull' resources? In fact I don't even think you need that using the resources part as it would only strike as odd. Just say, 'We're going to find the people responsible.'

Good chapter but pretty short

Chapter 15

Then the battle moved into a new faze with rapid attacks and parrying.

faze? Did you mean 'phase'? Because means 'to scare' or 'to make to hesitate'

Both of them frequently changed their stanza

'stance' 

Suddenly Girlam swung his sword at chest height and Eran quickly leaned backwards and bent his legs so that the sword passed a hair's width from the tip of his nose 

Ah! Battle drama! Cliched... Well, I guess you can't avoid it, though

"I don't think I want to listen to you," he said and pulled the sword into his chest. 

I think 'plunged the sword...' would make a better alternative. Because he's not pulling the sword, it's more of a pushing action

 He noticed that they were always in a good mood when they were working, but not so much so that it annoyed him.

'that' is redundant and unnecessary... not wrong though

This day Eran had been practical enough to arrange for a butcher to bring them food in the middle of the day 

butcher bringing in food? I thought butchers were only bothered with the cutting, slicing... processing of raw meat and didn't bother cooking it en masse. Or do the workers eat raw meat? Anyway, just a thought.

"This technique is often called the greenhorn technique,"

Impressive technique but impractical unless the attacker's speed and strength grossly outmatches that of the defender. It is something that only skilled swordsmen can try. The reason being that whenever you swing, you leave yourself open to attack. However, since the guy you swing at will probably try to defend the opening goes unused. However, when you stop the sword mid-attack, it not only demands considerable effort, but also time because of the recovery from halting the attack. That gives the enemy an opening. On top of that, when you swing around in a semicircle, you leave your back exposed to the enemy. Hence, the end result is that you are too vulnerable for too long a time. Even with all that feinting and technical talk, the technique is simply too risky. Useless when it comes to really duels... And it definitely is not a greenhorn technique.

"When the bird is pushed out of its nest it learns to fly at once," he said. "However it will need to get some training before it is ready to fly south for the winter." 

Nice quip!

Going strong now 

Chapter 16

On the other hand it wasn't him it would be worse for, 

Eh? I don't get this line.

He reacted quickly and managed to place his feet on the right spots so that he did not slid 

'slide', typo 

However while Eran's lunges felt like they were collapsing 

seems like you never got over the 'lunges' bug. 'lungs'

The dialogues in Death's Saviour are pretty natural. They don't feel like they were put there just for the sake of advancing the story and also they fit very well with the characters. Definitely better than in your previous works

Great chapter. Good pacing and it was great to finally see some action.

Chapter 17

"It is not a duel to the death, but until one of the duellists falls off the stage, until one of them gets disarmed or until the first bloody cut. Duels between normal citizens, used in order to solve disputes, is only legal if the man who gets challenged accepts it. With duels for the role as commander it is different. If you were to refuse to duel, it would lead to a vote. If the majority goes against you, you will be forced to either accept the duel or give away your title. In your case I believe the majority will support a duel. Few really trust you, and those who do trust you because they think you are our only hope. To them this duel will show whether you are capable of leading us to victory or not." 

Hey, nice rules

When he eventually marched through the streets with straight back and a stiff facial expression that hid his nerves and insecurity 

'facial' is redundant. When you use the word 'expression' it means facial expression only

Awesome chapter. Was so caught up in it that I hardly noticed any errors(or maybe there were none). More action, hurrah! Love the way the story is progressing

Chapter 18

As the dinner kept going the red colour started spreading from the drink to the cheeks of the biggest drinkers 

Usually 'heaviest' is the adjective used to qualify drinking 

It had been a long feast full of laughter and the sun was just gone to bed 

'had' is the word. Anyway, the sun sleeping, going to bed expression are seriously hilarious.

 so when Garo swung at him he tried to think of the ones he had seen and if there were any useful tricks he could emulate. 

emulate is not quite the word here. 'emulate' usually goes with success, or in general aiming for something(generally abstract) that you wish to surpass. 'imitate' is the correct word.

Eran turned his back and walked off, because he did not want to see the blood appearing. 

'appearing' can be dropped. The sentence is more awkward with it.

Whoa! The story is finally in full motion. Three consecutive action chapters. And interesting events in the story. 

Chapter 19 

Eran breathed heavily as he increased his speed to a painful sprint.

sprint? But he's already finding it hard to climb on all fours while using his palms as a hooks. How come he's able to sprint? 

He was too tired to think a single thought 

'a single thought' was not really necessary

The snake had several cuts that purple blood was running from. 

Poor choice of words. Try - 'The snake had several cuts from which purple blood oozed out.'

The dreamworld part was a bit stupid... and the fact that the dream changed him makes it even more cheesy - a hackneyed plot element. But I loved the ending

Chapter 20

The diamond was reflected in his eyes, which started looking completely white. 

The eyes or the diamond?

"Maybe I know, maybe I don't," Old replied. 

The mysterious wise man act!

"Soldiers, the day have come," he yelled.

'has'

The only thing you should have in mind is to kill and hurt Saramians until they surrender. 

Totally goes against his grand character... like a cheap two bit murderer, and not like someone with a grand plan of giving the world eternal life

If your man wins, you will have to surrender and we will judge you, Girlam, however we please. We 

What? If he wins, he should surrender? Now that's one match I'd love to see

Chapter 21 

The crowd behind Girlam and the crowd behind Saram's defences both turned silent. 

'became'

Girlam still waited even when Eran was so close that he with a fast movement could cut him in a lethal way. 

Eh? Try - 'with a lethal strike'

He hadn't had a single attack that had hit at all. 

Awkward. Try - 'he couldn't land a single blow/hit'

The tip hit Girlam's stomached and moved along it, but made no mark. 

typo. 'stomach'

They went some distance in between the stubs and the witnesses sat down on some stubs farther away, then without warning they attacked each other. 

Who? The witnesses? Try reframing it to make it clearer 

Both swung their swords and the edges clashed towards each other. 

'against' 

while the trees were thick, they weren't thick enough for a proper fighting stanza 

'stance'

The result was that once again they were as strong. 

Since their being equal depends on both strength and skill, I don't think calling them equally strong is correct. Rather you could have said 'They were once again equally matched.'

Chapter 22 

Eran looked at him. "That sounds both hard and time-consuming," 

lol 

but luckily I had contacts, and those people had contacts themselves to the bowls of society. 

bowls? 

Simply AWSUM!!! It was a pretty short story, but it was engaging nevertheless... and in some way fulfilling. Loved it. And your writing has improved a lot too

The concept behind Super Police didn't catch my attention as much as the Three Diamonds trilogy did, but I'll seesandyqbg

What the super police has is better direction, by far.

Hmm... North? South? East? West? or somewhere in between?sandyqbg

Mostly north. A little bit east, but mostly north.

How else did you expect me to answer that? :P

"Some times grown ups have to go do important things," she said. "Important things that children don't need to know about until they grow up."

Patronising bastard. :P

were some of the characters in this chapter fromt he previous book? It seemed like it. Well, that dream wasn't such a great plan...

"Some times grown ups have to go do important things," she said. "Important things that children don't need to know about until they grow up."

Patronising bastard. :P

were some of the characters in this chapter fromt he previous book? It seemed like it. Well, that dream wasn't such a great plan...

Foolz3h

Well, Esrina was the main character in the second volume, Elira was the second most important character there and also had a smaller role in tCotBD and Larin had his appearance in the second one.

Foolz3h needs to be banned from this thread for even asking a question like that. Damn Aussie.iloveflash

Go practice your fisting skills. :P

As long as I give her milk before we go it should be enough for a while, and if she starts complaining just give her some water. 

water? that's sick! Babies need food, they can't survive on water for two days. And how long do you think a feed will last. Babies get hungry all the time. They need small amounts of food but several times throughout the day. 

sandyqbg

Well, it is Alcuinea, and like I mentioned in volume two of the series, adults don't even need to eat, so the reason why a baby would need nutrition is to grow, though I don't know how much of the food a baby gets would be used for growing, so I don't quite know what would be realistic.

Suddenly Girlam swung his sword at chest height and Eran quickly leaned backwards and bent his legs so that the sword passed a hair's width from the tip of his nose 

Ah! Battle drama! Cliched... Well, I guess you can't avoid it, though

sandyqbg

I actually tried to make this extra cliched since it is a dream and all

Impressive technique but impractical unless the attacker's speed and strength grossly outmatches that of the defender. It is something that only skilled swordsmen can try. The reason being that whenever you swing, you leave yourself open to attack. However, since the guy you swing at will probably try to defend the opening goes unused. However, when you stop the sword mid-attack, it not only demands considerable effort, but also time because of the recovery from halting the attack. That gives the enemy an opening. On top of that, when you swing around in a semicircle, you leave your back exposed to the enemy. Hence, the end result is that you are too vulnerable for too long a time. Even with all that feinting and technical talk, the technique is simply too risky. Useless when it comes to really duels... And it definitely is not a greenhorn technique.

sandyqbg

[QUOTE="sandyqbg"] 

Impressive technique but impractical unless the attacker's speed and strength grossly outmatches that of the defender. It is something that only skilled swordsmen can try. The reason being that whenever you swing, you leave yourself open to attack. However, since the guy you swing at will probably try to defend the opening goes unused. However, when you stop the sword mid-attack, it not only demands considerable effort, but also time because of the recovery from halting the attack. That gives the enemy an opening. On top of that, when you swing around in a semicircle, you leave your back exposed to the enemy. Hence, the end result is that you are too vulnerable for too long a time. Even with all that feinting and technical talk, the technique is simply too risky. Useless when it comes to really duels... And it definitely is not a greenhorn technique.

waZelda

Yeah, I know it is a bit farfetched, but I figured a real pro would be able to tell whether he had fooled his opponent or not. It is called the greenhorn technique because it can be used against unexperienced figthers not by them - which is why Eran is taught to defend himself against it, but not how to execute it himself.

By naming it 'greenhorn technique' it seems to imply that it is used by greenhorns, not against them. If you ask me, if the guy is such a novice with swordfight, it doesn't require such a complex technique to take him down. A couple of simple strikes and feints would be more than enough. 

Chapter 15.

It's good to be back reading this after awhile! There's not a lot to say about this chapter except that there's a lot of monkeys and circus peopel going around all of a sudden!

"Eran kept running and while his muscles fired he tried to focus on running as efficiently as possible."

Burned, unless you mean fried, though you should probably go with burned and leave the poetic description for a little later.

I wanted Tenar to win! :( He had a better reason for winning. History>lust. :P

Okay, this time I promise to finish it!

Eran chose the wrong comp to win. Should have won the duel adn not the race. The fool. :P

The Party. Great chapter in itself. Suitably exciting, but Eran is a bit of a knob now I must say. :P

One thing, though, it didn't quite seem to flow from the duel very well. There's no sort of contunity pacing wise, and Erand doesn't seem much affected by the predicament! In fact wasn't he going to the templeo of the sun? What's happened here...

a chapter is missing? It's also a bit weird that they're treating him with such respect after he lost!

Well there we go! Why the hell is time jumping back and forth all of a sudden?!

Maybe it'd be less confusing if I hadn't stopped reading for awhile, but as it is... :P

I've finished it! Overall I really liked it, but I too thought the ending seemed a bit rushed and not satisfying enough. I also found the duel kinda anticlimactic, though it was exciting enough in and of itself. It was just less epic than I was expecting, and whatever the evil dude was called didn't seem as badarse as he had up to that point.

I've finished it! Overall I really liked it, but I too thought the ending seemed a bit rushed and not satisfying enough. I also found the duel kinda anticlimactic, though it was exciting enough in and of itself. It was just less epic than I was expecting, and whatever the evil dude was called didn't seem as badarse as he had up to that point.

Foolz3h

Yeah, I know. It is like I kinda lost interest in it right before I finished. I don't think I'll go back to rework it.