Kharakter Battle Thread - Humble Indie Smackdown I

This is the thread where we discuss who would win in our semi-weekly monthly match-ups and suggest future matches.

Battle List (Winners in bold)

1.The American Dream Patrick Bateman vs. Tony Montana

Bateman got Montana stoned on crack and proceeded to hack him to several tiny bits. Afterwards tried to bake Montana's remains into a meatloaf.
2.Immortal Battleground The Doctor vs. Ra's Al Ghul

Ra's Al Ghul defeated The Doctor several times, only for his opponent to regenerate every time. As he began to battle Sylvester McCoy, Ra's finally ragequit and left the arena.
3.Dictatorship The Governor vs. Lots O Huggin Bear "Lotso"

The Governor and Lotso worked together to kill Rick and the toys, but Lotso then proceeded to push Govy into the furnace.
4. Deletion is FutileThe Borg vs. The Cybermen

The Borg were converted to Cybermen.
5. John McBattle John McClane vs. John McCain

McCain thought he had McClane cornered. As he prepared to pull the trigger, he thought he heard the words, "Yippee ki-yay, motherf*cker" slip out of McClane's mouth.
6. Heroic Legacies Batman Beyond vs. Spider-Man 2099

Since Batman and Spider-Man don't kill even when they're in the future, they had no idea what to do with each other. Then Spidey 2099 got his series cancelled first.
7. This makes no sense The Blue Meanies vs. Lo Pan

Lo Pan was squashed by the Meanies' giant glove.
8. The Big Man Edgar Ross vs. The Illusive Man

Prior to this fight, Edgar Ross was assassinated by Jack Marston, making IM winner by default.
9.Ingenius vs Ungenius Big Boss vs. Dr. Evil

Using leftover Mountain Dew cans from his Japanese Peace Walker tie-ins, Big Boss gave Dr. Evil the world's quickest case of fatal diabetes.
10. NOW WITH GURLS Chun-Li vs. Lili

Lili was lopped in half by that special move than Chun-Li does with her legs.
11. Catfight Catwoman vs. Black Cat

Catwoman was dangling from a gargoyle about to be knocked off, but an "accidental" batarang tossed by Batman knocked out Black Cat. The two then got into a different sort of catfight, if you know what I mean.
12. Twin PremonitionDale Cooper vs. Francis York Morgan

Francis tried to be friendly by giving Dale some of his coffee. Much to his horror, it was so hot Dale internally burned to death.
13. Backstabber SandwichLance Vance vs. Harry Flynn

Flynn had some of that resin from Uncharted 2 saved, used it to turn into a big blue hulk monster and break Vance over his back.
14. Anti-Life GauntletDarkseid vs. Thanos

Thanos used the Infinity Gauntlet to teleport Darkseid's head from his body before he could solve the Anti-Life Equation. He then turned Darkseid to glass and shattered him.
15. Nacho SidekickGarrus Vakarian vs. Dominic Santiago

Garrus pushed Maria into a pit of crazed starving weasels, upon which Dom followed and was painfully consumed.
16. Marvel/DC Next-Gen FanfictionHelena Wayne vs. May Parker

Helena shot May with a non-lethal tranq, cause these stupid girl scout heroes don't kill and stuff.
17. Finally We Are Cowboys (with Bruce Campbell) Brisco County, Jr. vs Jonah Hex

Brisco is played by Bruce f*cking Campbell. Don't think we'd ever let him lose, do you?
18. I Hope She Made ALotsa SpaghettiLuigi vs. Michael Corleone

Corleone beat Luigi up, then appeared to let him go. Luigi went fishing with Yoshi, who turned out to be on Corleone's payroll and shot Luigi while he was reciting a Hail Mary.
19. Elena :) Elena Fisher vs. Chloe Frazer

The two were facing all the supernatural enemies from Uncharted in an abandoned castle, and Frazer's .45 just happened to coincidentally run out of ammo. Chloe had her right arm bit off by a Descendant, then got both her legs broken by the Guardian, roasted to a crisp by the Shade, and was finally consumed by the Spiders. Fortunately, Nate just happened to show up and Elena teamed up with him to kill all the monsters before the same could happen to her.
20. Pink Genesis Syd Barrett vs. Peter Gabriel

While Barrett suffered another case of mental illness, Gabriel slipped behind him and gave Barrett a good one with the sledgehammer.
21. Stairway Made in Heaven (Freddie Mercury vs. Roger Plant)

Mercury and Plant switched bandmates for a day. While Queen was elevated to new heights with the members of Led Zep, Plant was depressed into hiding by the performances of his new buddies from Queen. With Plant gone, Mercury won before dying of AIDs.
22. THE CONCLUSION OF PINK GENESIS!!!! (Roger Waters vs. Phil Collins vs. David Gilmour vs. Ray Wilson)

In the largest battle yet, the remaining frontmen of Pink Floyd and Genesis battled. Phil Collins found out that Ray Wilson could dance and in a jealous rage, proceeded to shipwreck Ray Wilson on a deserted isle where he went insane and ate himself. Phil Collins stole one of Pink Floyd's inflatable flying pigs and proceeded to beat Waters and Gilmour to a pulp, and the day seemed dark much to stephenage's chagrin. Knowing the direness of the situation, Waters took a deep breath and broke down the wall. Willing to embrace his old bandmate for the first time in decades again, Gilmour lowered the Division Bell. Combining bass and guitar and collaborating on lyrics, Waters and Gilmour with a bit of help from Nick Mason and Richard Wright's ghost created a Pink Floyd album that combined the best of both Waters and Gilmour's eras so well it left Phil painfully numb. Waters then lit Phil on fire and Gilmour shook his hand before tossing Phil so high up in the sky he became obscured by clouds. Somewhere near the dark side of the moon, Phil died from space decompression.
23. The Fairest Maiden of Them All (Paul Di'Anno vs. Bruce Dickinson vs. Blaze Bayley)

All three contestants were murdered by Eddie.
24. Harry Callahan vs. Chan Ka Kui (Dirty Police Story)
Chan tried to fight off Callahan with his epic stunt and martial arts moves, but it turns out the law of action cinema works differently in San Francisco than it does in Hong Kong and Chan ended up writhing in pain clutching something best unmentioned. Callahan aimed his Magnum at Chan and prepared to fire, only to realize that he fired six shots instead of five. The two then realized killing each other was kind of stupid, as they were both on the same side of the law. The two went off to bust some mob lords and break every single procedure regarding police protocol in the process. Callahan won because: 1. We'd take the fourth Dirty Harry movie over the fourth Police Story any day and 2. Clint Eastwood never made a Dirty Harry reboot which went as far as to change the main character. Unlike Jackie Chan with a certain movie series about police and their stories...

25. Altair vs. Eziovs. Haytham vs. Connor vs. Desmond (Assassin's Creed Family Feud)

Now free to run amok in the Animus as he wished, Desmond started to live out the first of his wild wet dreams by bringing together all of his known ancestors. He vigorously fanboyed all over the floor as his four bewildered precursors found themselves at the Animus Core. Desmond quickly explained the convoluted AC backstory and what had happened to him at the end of AC3. Everyone was noticeably steamed at what all that First Civilization crap had led to but even moreso pissed at Desmond for causing such a stupid ending. Ezio stated that if Desmond was the ultimate product of all their loss and sacrifice, they might as well get back at him for disrupting their stories by killing him. Trying to quickly save his ass, Desmond blurted out that Haytham was a Templar and that they should kill him instead. However, all three Assassins found reasons not to kill Haytham. Altair saw that he could easily relate to Connor, as they were both kinda boring and easily manipulated, and killing Haytham might cause some paradoxes that would compromise Connor's existence. Ezio, despite bad experience with the Borgias, thought Haytham was a pretty decent man for a Templar, and invited him for spaghetti and tea at their stereotyping feast afterwards. Connor revealed that he and Haytham had been going to parent counseling sessions every Friday, and despite Haytham having killed the rest of their counseling group yesterday for asking where Charles Lee was had promised to take Connor out for ice cream if they killed Desmond.

Desmond, being the wet blanket he is, didn't oblige them and instead ran off crying. Hiding in a corner, Desmond quickly busted out his Apple of Eden and created four clones of some random soldier in an orange uniform (because he's not really imaginative enough to create something bamf) to protect him. Having changed into an all-black outfit, Desmond stated in a depressing monotone that he would ruin their lifes, fer sure., by writing in his secret Hello Kitty diary. Using their various talents, his ancestors found Desmond's group and each locked onto a respective orange guard dude. Just as Desmond realized he was in danger, the Assassins and Haytham acted in an epic synchronized kill and flawlessly killed each of the guards using their own weapons against them. Desmond wet himself as he tried to run away, but he tripped and sprained his ankle. In a last stand, Desmond drew out a gun only for Haytham to knock it from his hands. Ezio picked a dagger from the ground and plunged it deep into Desmond's vital organs. As he delivered the final blow, Ezio was crowned teh winner of this battle. Ezio remarked that it was nice for once to have an ending which wasn't stupidly anticlimatic or a cliffhanger. Everyone except Desmond cause he was kinda dead went to get gelato (to accomodate Ezio's stereotyping) and lived happily ever after. Until Ubisoft released Assassin's Creed 3.5 in November 2013, at least.

Epic Battles Coming Soon:
Rambo vs. Predator!
The Joker vs. Green Goblin!
Kratos vs. Wander!
Ph.D's in Darkness!
Vaas vs. Colonel Kurtz

26. Trent Reznor vs. Billy Corgan vs. Isaac Brock (Smashingly Modest Nails)

The fight began when Corgan fired his Bullet with Butterfly Wings at Reznor, who merely deflected with the hand that feeds right back at Corgan. Isaac Brock tried to get in the action by using a power noogie on Corgan's head to fire it up, only to have it fail because Corgan lacks the hair required to fire it up. Corgan knocked Isaac away and marched towards Reznor, determined to literally disarm him. Reznor decided it was time to discipline Corgan, and unleashed the full power of Ghosts I-IV on him. Incapitated, Corgan still tried to mock Reznor, calling him nothing more than a rat in a cage with a crap haircut. Reznor returned that he at least had hair, and decided to make Corgan have it all. Gathering an empire's worth of dirt, he used his needle to tear holes in Corgan and replace his blood with dirt until his circulation stopped. Corgan was finished when Reznor stomped on him so hard his head became nothing but a hole. Reznor placed a single wildflower on Corgan's corpse and walked into the distance.

Reznor searched around for Isaac Brock in a little motel but was attacked by Atticus Ross. Shocked, he ripped off Ross's face to reveal Brock in the "perfect disguise." Brock began to spit a deadly venom on Reznor and succeeded in burning some flesh. Seeing that Reznor was merely irritated by his attack, Brock tried to put Reznor in a coma by beating him repeatedly on the dashboard of his black Cadillac. Undeterred, Reznor quipped that today, Brock's world would go away and lifted him by the legs. Brock protested, screaming he was the angel of the indie rock industry and the world needed him. Unchanged, Reznor stated he knew how to destroy angels. He tossed Brock into the moon, and in his downward spiral down to Earth, Brock burned up in the atmosphere. His remains landed somewhere near Antarctica. Reznor looked at his long list which included more rock frontmen seeking to challenge him, and merely stated that everyday from now would likely be the same.

27. Rambo vs. Predator (The Ultimate Hunter pt. 1)

Rambo coated himself in mud to cloak himself from the Predator. Hiding directly in the mud, he rose up and ambushed the Predator cutting deep in its throat with his machete. The Predator fired and swung at Rambo wildly, allowing Rambo to club it with the butt of its rifle. The Predator never managed to land a single hit. Bleeding profusely with a caved-in skull, the Predator turned tail and fled only to be impaled by one of Rambo's simple trip-rope traps. With its dying breath, the Predator croaked "What the hell are you?" With a smile, Rambo walked over to the Predator and pinned down its arm to prevent it from activating that nuke thingy on its other arm. "I'm your worst nightmare." and with a stomp finished the Predator for good. Noticing that the Predator's corpse had some intact tech, Rambo decided to help himself to some spoils of war...

28. Mario vs. Superman (Best in Red)

Mario initially had trouble fighting Superman, due to his near invulnerability. Jumping on the head, buttstomps, and even his reliable old hammer failed to put a dent in the Man of Steel. Mario tried to use many of his iconic power-ups on Superman, from the Fire Flower to the Bee Suit to the Yellow Cape only for them to do nothing to Superman! Superman simply lifted Mario into the air and threw him into the ground, creating a hole ten feet deep. Trying to fight on Superman's level, Mario grabbed the Power Star and entered his iconic super state. He entered a frenzied beating of Superman's body only to find out that once the Star expired, Superman was completely unharmed! Superman laughed only to get a blast of freezing ass water in the face. Yes, Mario still had that polarizingly brilliant water pump F.L.U.D.D. from his underrated masterpiece Super Mario Sunshine! While cleaning the water out of his eyes in panic, Mario slipped down five poison mushrooms down Superman's throat. The shrooms had the same effect of kryptonite on Supes, and he became completely neutralized.

Mario then equipped his iconic Tanooki suit and began slicing Superman until he was redder then a platter of spaghetti. He then climbed into that giant shoe from Mario 3 and broke both of Superman's legs. Using his sheer strength, Mario began to beat Superman in the face until his face caved in upon itself. Superman tried to beg for mercy only for Mario to grab him by his cape and swing him around. As soon as Superman begged for mercy again, Mario tossed him into a bomb surrounding their area of combat. The bomb blew in Superman's face, but he still wasn't dead. Mario unleashed the flaming fury of his final smash Mario Finale upon Superman and Superman could only scream like a pansy while his body was reduced to a scorched skeleton and then ashes. Mario celebrated his victory by treating all his buds to his favorite Italian place, even his nephew Vinnie. That lovable, union-deleting bastard!

29. Corvo Attano vs. Isaac Clarke (In Space, Honor Shall Die)

In a disturbed fit of his mental illness, Clarke came across Emily. He hallucinated that she was his dead girlfriend and violently tried to bring her with him. Corvo intervened and the two began to battle. Isaac fired multiple times at Corvo, who bended time to dodge the projectiles. With a wind blast, he sent Clarke flying and quickly possessed his body. Clarke tried to resist, but Corvo swiftly made him decapitate himself with his own weapon. With Clarke dead, Corvo used the shadow kill to turn Clarke's body to dust. He carried Emily away, determined to fight off any other threats to Emily like the guy with the glowing mask he just killed...

30. The Little Tramp vs. Bill the Butcher (New York's City Lights)

Bill killed the Tramp like a true American.

31. Jim Morrison vs. Kurt Cobain (The Doors find Nirvana)

Once upon a time, on a plain, Jim was on one of his moonlight drives. It was a strange day, for sure. Kurt Cobain had gotten high on lithium, and having found God, decided to murder Jim for his unchristian habit of having sex with roadies. Cobain tried to distract Jim with teen spirit scents, but Jim merely proceeded to smash into Cobain with his car. Approaching the wounded Cobain, Jim proclaimed that it was time to kill him two times. In a last ditch attempt to beat Jim, Cobain asked him if he wanted some pennyroyal tea. Jim didn't fall for the trick and proceeded to use Cobain to light his fire. The burning Cobain stuttered all his apologies to Jim, but Morrison finished Cobain by breaking through to the other side of his chest.

32. Angry Joe vs. Joseph Stalin (Who's the Angriest Joe of them all?)

Spoony intervened and killed both contestants by smashing their heads together into a fine bloody pulp.

33. Jean Luc Godard vs. David Lynch vs. Darren Aronofsky vs. Guillermo Del Toro vs. Wong Kar Wai (Directors with Stylez)

All five directors met in Diego's house cause he requested this one. Jean Luc Godard quickly set about criticizing the other four regarding their  approach to filming, politics, and philosophy. In turn, all four quickly rose up in contempt and beat Godard breathless, finishing him off by ramming a little toy soldier in his head. Darren Aronofsky finished off Wong Kar Wai by overdosing him on heroin, but Wai weakened Aronofsky by feeding him 30 cans of expired pineapple as he was forced to listen to California Dreaming. Aronosfky could not use his wrestling skills nor reach the fountain in time to fight off Del Toro, who crushed him via big red hammer glove. With only Del Toro and Lynch left, the former turned to mock Lynch. Del Toro claimed that while The Hobbit would never carry his name on it, at least he never directed "Dune." This was a mistake as Lynch tied Del Toro up and lobotomized him by reading him the draft of the third season of Twin Peaks. Del Toro was then flown to Mulholland Drive, where a car accident was just waiting to happen.

34. The Beatles vs. Queen (Rock Legends vs. Schlock Rock Legends)
35. Cole MacGrath vs. Pikachu (Static Shocked!)
36. Kratos vs. a bunch of lame Star Wars characters (Kratos vs. the World Pt.1)

The most reserved space known to man

I am the co-leader and I approve of this thread.

MY VOTE GOES FOR PAT BATEMAN! 

Pat Bateman gets my vote.

I am the co-leader

nintendo_warrio

Warning, the above post contains lies. Ignore them at all costs. 

well that was a landslide

Pat Bateman gets my vote.

siddarthshetty

You've seen that film?:o 

[QUOTE="nintendo_warrio"]

I am the co-leader

stephenage

Warning, the above post contains lies. Ignore them at all costs. 

You know it's true. 

So, since Montana has no chance, shall we just start the second match-up?

Especially considering Bateman is also Batman.

[QUOTE="siddarthshetty"]

Pat Bateman gets my vote.

nintendo_warrio

You've seen that film?:o

So, since Montana has no chance, shall we just start the second match-up?

TheFallenDemon

Do it.

Would anyone want a particular match they'd like to see before I make the change?

Go with whatever you feel like. Although at some point we need Clint Eastwood in this.

The Doctor is going to win because he'll just regenerate into another Doctor if Ra kills him.

Peter Davison would cricket ball him to death.
David Tennant would blue suit him to death.
Matt Smith would forebrow him to death.
Jon Pertwee would run him over with the whomobile.
Colin Baker would stab him with his umbrella.
Paul McGann would destroy him with a lethal combo of amnesia and romance
Sylvester McCoy would manipulate Ra into destroying all his Lazarus pits.

Nonetheless, despite the timelord radmachine that is Chris Eccleston, David Tennant is still super rad.

Matt Smith am cry

it's good to see Matt has no fans

I am too, but he makes an easy target.

thread updated

can you figure out the connection

congraturations!

What you want the most

I am oh so pleased :D

When am I getting it? 

proper breeding and shipping takes quite a while

it's best these cats get to know you from the very start

If possible, you can fly over and get him yourself.

Depends on airline and whether you need a hotel or not.

This took a turn for the...

Hot.

Seems no one has read the Walking Dead here.