@korvus: We're talking about different degrees and perceptions. I can only speak from my experience, which has generally been pretty negative in this regard. I've been told on a couple of occasions that I "don't talk," and by the way don't ever say that to anyone even if it's true, it's not fun to hear. What really bothered me, however, was that it wasn't true. On one occasion the person telling me this was a close friend that I spoke with on a pretty regular basis. I think the reason she said it was because there are certain days and times when I'm not very talkative. Another time it was someone in the group I ate with in the dining halls who tends to dominate the conversations, which bothered me because I actually do talk with people who are able to converse. Anyway, the point is that I don't think these perceptions about the guy in the corner who never talks to anybody are always valid. It's been my experience that a lot of people are unfairly pegged as anti-social just because they're no the most outgoing.
As to women approaching men, I'm not even necessarily talking about anything with romantic intentions. If a guy seems interesting then go talk to him, maybe she'll end up having zero interest in him whatsoever. I've been in plenty of situations where there was some interest on one side, but as soon as that person got to know the other person they realized they had nothing in common. Why does everyone act as if striking up a conversation is basically an invitation to sex? And if it were just a matter of outgoing men being more attractive I would agree with you, but in my experience it's not. To me it's more like a woman in a skimpy outfit. Sure, most men are going to have some sort of immediate attraction to her, but that doesn't mean that once they start talking to her they're actually going to like her. I hear women complain all the time that they can't find a man who listens to them, I hear them describing their ideal male as basically your classic introvert, I've even seen them admit to liking an introvert, yet go to the bars on weekends and flirt with the most extroverted guys even though they were carrying a torch for this other guy. I just don't think this should solely fall on men, if women have an interest in someone then they should have just as much reason to take initiative as men. That's not the message that comes across in our society, though. The message that comes across is that if you're a man you make the first move because she's not going to do it, and if you're a woman you don't make the first move even if you're attracted to someone because some guy is going to make a move on you at some point anyway.
Sort of a postscript, one of the hardest parts about being an introvert, and in my case one who tends towards the less socially inclined end of the spectrum, is when people take silence to indicate disinterest in socialization. There are just some days and times when I would prefer to be left alone completely, but that tends to get interpreted as hostility. When I do socialize I like very small groups and calm settings, that tends to get interpreted as me avoiding the specific people in a certain social setting like a crowded bar rather than the bar itself. I understand that these things are interpreted in certain ways, but that doesn't mean that they should be. Just because I don't strike up a conversation at a bar with a woman in a large group doesn't mean I'm not interested or I'm afraid of her. Being someone who acted like an extrovert for a very long time, I understand the thought process. On more than one occasion I've taken a quieter disposition to indicate disinterest and I've also lost interest in someone because they seemed overly shy. Looking back on it, though, I realize both how unfair it was to them and how much of a missed opportunity it was for me. I don't think it had much of anything to do with attraction, it was just a personal hangup that I should have been able to get over but didn't. I'm not saying that it's the same for everybody, but I wonder how many women might be surprised if they just tried to look past perceived shyness.
@always_explicit: Well, I think one way is to not make these individuals feel ashamed to both ask for support and to offer it. Part of the problem is that men who need reinforcement don't know how to find it, but another part is that men who could potentially offer support risk being ostracized or feel like that's just not what men do. Men like you may simply not be able to help a specific individual directly because of the difference in experiences (or maybe you can, who knows). The big problem, as I see, it, is the male ideal and how it's continually reinforced. There's nothing wrong with being who you are, but it isn't right to act as if that's the only way to "be a man." Being told that you're not really a man simply for acting in a way that's comfortable to you can be pretty discouraging. Just recognize that people act differently and try to treat those people with friendliness and respect.
Kick in the ass works for you, it doesn't work for everyone. It's hard because maybe there are some people who would respond well to that, but you wouldn't know it by looking. Then at the same time if you just take that approach with everyone it may put some people off. My best advice with friends would be to think about your group composition. If there's one introvert in a group of extroverts then trying to give him a kick in the ass is probably going to make him feel very isolated. If there's someone else he feels comfortable talking to then it may not be such a big deal. With people on the internet, more often than not they're going to be in the former camp. If they had someone to talk to they probably wouldn't be posting online. If you feel compelled to say anything to them I'd say to recommend counseling, since you really have no idea of what's going on in their lives.
Eliot Rodgers shouldn't be seen as representative of introverts. He clearly had mental issues beyond his problems with women. I wouldn't completely dismiss them as a contributing factor, it clearly affected his actions, but there's a difference between an introverted or shy person being rejected and complaining about it and a mentally unstable person being rejected and killing people instead of seeking out help. I'll just say this at the outset, I hate the phrase "sex entitlement." Rodgers is an extreme example, and even in his case I think the phrase misses the mark. Here's what I'll say about the social side of his situation. American colleges can be extremely alienating places for introverts. You'd think it would be an ideal place for them (remember, though, they're not necessarily reflective and not every reflective individual is introverted), but so much of the social atmosphere revolves around "busting out of your shell," which, to introverts, a lot of times sounds like being someone you're not. It can mean being in situations where you're not comfortable (like parties) and putting forward a persona that doesn't really fit you in order to fit in. I imagine Rodgers considering some of these situations and being uncomfortable to the point of experiencing physical discomfort. I know the last time I was at a crowded bar I actually started to feel claustrophobic. This is part of why I dislike hearing about sex entitlement, because I don't think it's completely, and in a lot of cases primarily about sex. Some people at college can't function in these highly social environments, but if that's where everyone goes on the weekends then that's the primary place to meet people. If you avoid those places you reduce your chance of meeting new people and, by extension, your chance of having sex. Also, if you're more of a wallflower, you may actually go to those places and spend the whole night sitting in a corner without anyone attempting to talk to you, which also doesn't feel too good. Add to that the fact that foreigners generally feel a bit more out of place at American colleges. Most European societies, actually, hold to the extrovert ideal, though it's more pronounced in the U.S. Asian societies tend to hold to the introvert ideal, which makes Asian students more likely to feel out of place. All this is to say that, while it probably wasn't as markedly different from the environment he was used to in England as it was from a country such as Japan, the social isolation was probably a bit more pronounced.
Now, like I said, most introverts are not going to spend a night sitting at the end of a bar and then go out on a killing spree because no one approached them. I don't think Rodgers' social issues caused him to go out and kill, what, twenty people, and I don't think anyone can say that had his social situation been ideal he wouldn't have still snapped (the NIU shooter, if I recall correctly, seemed to be in a pretty good social situation). Isolation, however, is probably only going to exacerbate whatever problems a given individual has. At the very least, if someone has close friends then they're more likely to see warning signs and try to do something.
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