Thoughts from a suicidal 21 year old

I don't know why I'm typing this on these particular forums...maybe its to let everyone know how thankful they should be everyday they wake up...everyday they run or watch or even go to work. To be thankful for every bit of your health. Maybe its because I want sympathy, or I'm just emo. I am closer to suicide every day. My depression worsens everyday and I cry longer everyday. My relationship with my girlfriend and mother gets harder every day. I have already lost most of my friends as I don't feel like doing anything anymore.....

I am currently 21. I was a normal gamer, weightlifter, and all around computer nerd. After a really heavy leg workout, the next night I got drunk, and the very next day I noticed a tingling in my left testicle. Its been a downward spiral since. Costant dull pain in both testicles. Discomfort in lower abdominals and pain in lower back. Legs are extremely week and hips and groin area cramps. Was diagnosed with Chronic Non-Bacterial Prostatitis. Which basically means there is no cure....its a mary go round of doctors and urologists who have no answers. They can find no bacteria to treat..the prostatitis forums make things worse...some people have had for 20+ years. I'm not that strong...4 months has taken its toll on me. Some of those are taking $16,000 trips to japan to see a doctor who gives them over a month of IV treatment, prostate injections, and other horrible things. Worse with the depression it has brought mild schizophrenia and alot of nightmares at night(All of which I'm recording in a notebook for future reference/for other to see). I quit my job in hopes of resting until I got better...but it looks like I'm not going to get better. I am living at home...with an already stressed budget as my mom and dad got a divorce about 6 months ago. So with only my mom working on her crappy wage, me out of the job, and medical bills stacking up.

I had it all growing up. I was spoiled, I worked out, I was smart. The plan was to graduate college and provide my wife with a great living, now I can't even walk in the park with her without having to take breaks. Be sexy with rock hard abs, which have turned to flab in the past months from no exercise at all. I'd give it all just to watch tv or sit here typing this without pain. I'd give it all to have my old life back...

Feel free to ask any question, say things like pwned, or didn't read. It doesn't really matter.....

Come on, man. Don't kill yourself. That's not cool.

EDIT: And when I say "that's not cool", I do not in any way mean to suggest that you are doing it because suicide is cool. I am simply using the word "cool" in a loose sense. You know, like when something bad happens, you automatically say "man, that wasn't cool."

All I am trying to say is that you shouldn't kill yourself. That's it. Poor wording on my part, but I swear that that was completely unintentional. Sorry, dude.

Well, I'm not gonna tell you not to kill yourself, cause I have no place to. That's something that only you know is right or wrong for you.

Yeah, sounds like things suck for you...if you wanted some sympathy, you've got it from me, but that's about all I can tell you.

its aiight, i think i might have MRSA. :(

anyways, just live life the way you want to live. do that and nothing else will matter.

Jeez, you got it rough, and I got respect for you. Just remember that somewhere, someone is suffering far more greatly than you, and they haven't contemplated suicide.joey101010

I was going to say something like that but I was afraid it sounded too harsh. But yeah I agree.

Yeah, the myspace is like 2 years old.

I've read all the don't do it suicide things on the internet and they all say "things will get better, time heals, etc etc" I mean I have been silghtly depressed before, but no matter how depressed, I could...lets say enjoy a pizza....or go out shopping....or sit down and watch tv. Now I can't do the simplest task or luxary without the constant dull pain that greets me in the morning, and doesn't leave until I sleep. And from what I've read it doesn't heal...it doesn't get better....I'm trapped in the worst possible way. As long as I am breathing, I am in pain.

The main thing holding me back is the pain to my loved ones...and the fact that Ihave been Christian my whole life. Praying does not seem to help this problem...I ask God everyday that even if he won't fix this problem, that even if I can't know why I have this, to at least comfort me and be with me. BUt, like most nights, I end up crying myself to sleep until I doze off and am awoken by either nightmare, or a strong urge to urinate.

Pain meds like anti-inflammatories have had little effect on the pain. Many seasoned people with this disease go as far as opiates and oxycotins etc. They say after a few months the pain always returns and upping the dose is required. I immediatly looked into removing the prostate, but for some odd reason even that only takes away the pain in about 60% of patients...and bring upon new issues.

And yes luckily my rig is still in date. The computer is one of the few things that takes my mind off of things sometimes...

Hopefully this will help you too.

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

God must have done this for a purpose. I know how it feels to be helpless and in constant pain, but pull through, and don't commit suicide. If your a true Christian, you'll know it's definitely not the right thing to do.

God has a plan for everyone. And His plan doesnt include people taking their own life. If you look to God for answers He will save you.

Dude. Don't do it. You'd be thankful that you don't. Being a Christian, it has changed my life, and the lives of those who have embraced the Christian faith. I recommend talking this through with a pastor (the suicidal part), because I am guaranteed they can help. Lebbin

Personally, I recommend a counselor or a doctor you trust. Religion did not work at all for me.

Wow...i really don't know what you say. You're a stronger person than I am for sticking it out this long.

Be thankful for what you DO have, though; a girlfriend who obviously cares enough about you to stick by this whole time, a mom who supports you, and some friends.

If your computer brings you some happiness, keep with it. Maybe you could find an at home job dealing with computers or tech equipment (i kept it generalize since i have no idea what you're into).

you know what really works the best? (speaking from experience) just dont think about it, do what ever it takes to keep your mind off of it, thats how you beat it, deppression is like an attention whore, you need to ignore itsovereign_22

God has a plan for everyone. And His plan doesnt include people taking their own life. If you look to God for answers He will save you.

SaintTheKing

Instead of spewing some ignorant conversion-hopeful nonsense, how about you take the time to read his posts and genuinely try to help him?

Besides, if you'd read his posts, you'd know he's Christian anyway, making this already useless post useless again.

And that is not a double negative. This is just one of the worst posts I have ever seen in all my time on OT.

Same to you delusion. Thats horrible man, just smoking weed used to freak me out sometimes as far as thought proccess. Best of luck to you as well....LetsPlayBrick

thanks

Same to you delusion. Thats horrible man, just smoking weed used to freak me out sometimes as far as thought proccess. Best of luck to you as well....LetsPlayBrick

I don't think he was talking about weed when he said he OD'ed..speaking of which, can pot help alleviate some of that pain?

[QUOTE="sovereign_22"]you know what really works the best? (speaking from experience) just dont think about it, do what ever it takes to keep your mind off of it, thats how you beat it, deppression is like an attention whore, you need to ignore itWetall_basic

I won't tell you anything that you probably already haven't heard. I don't know if you'll get better, I don't know if things will get better and I won't ask you to not do something when I don't know you. All I can ask of you is to take whatever you possibly have left in your life and go into that with whatever strenght you have left. Whether it's your mom, nephew, friend's friend. Just remember, when you've hit bottom, the only way left is up.

Good luck, bro.

[QUOTE="LetsPlayBrick"]Same to you delusion. Thats horrible man, just smoking weed used to freak me out sometimes as far as thought proccess. Best of luck to you as well....mikeg0788

I don't think he was talking about weed when he said he OD'ed..speaking of which, can pot help alleviate some of that pain?

Is it even possible to OD on weed? Or is that what "greening out" is.

Sorry to sidetrack your thread Brick, but I'm actually quite curious.

[QUOTE="mikeg0788"]

[QUOTE="LetsPlayBrick"]Same to you delusion. Thats horrible man, just smoking weed used to freak me out sometimes as far as thought proccess. Best of luck to you as well....Fortier

I don't think he was talking about weed when he said he OD'ed..speaking of which, can pot help alleviate some of that pain?

Is it even possible to OD on weed? Or is that what "greening out" is.

Sorry to sidetrack your thread Brick, but I'm actually quite curious.

From what I've read, no. I know some guys who could give you the entire chemical breakdown of why you can't OD, but i'm not that knowledgeable.

I don't know why I'm typing this on these particular forums...maybe its to let everyone know how thankful they should be everyday they wake up...everyday they run or watch or even go to work. To be thankful for every bit of your health. Maybe its because I want sympathy, or I'm just emo. I am closer to suicide every day. My depression worsens everyday and I cry longer everyday. My relationship with my girlfriend and mother gets harder every day. I have already lost most of my friends as I don't feel like doing anything anymore.....

I am currently 21. I was a normal gamer, weightlifter, and all around computer nerd. After a really heavy leg workout, the next night I got drunk, and the very next day I noticed a tingling in my left testicle. Its been a downward spiral since. Costant dull pain in both testicles. Discomfort in lower abdominals and pain in lower back. Legs are extremely week and hips and groin area cramps. Was diagnosed with Chronic Non-Bacterial Prostatitis. Which basically means there is no cure....its a mary go round of doctors and urologists who have no answers. They can find no bacteria to treat..the prostatitis forums make things worse...some people have had for 20+ years. I'm not that strong...4 months has taken its toll on me. Some of those are taking $16,000 trips to japan to see a doctor who gives them over a month of IV treatment, prostate injections, and other horrible things. Worse with the depression it has brought mild schizophrenia and alot of nightmares at night(All of which I'm recording in a notebook for future reference/for other to see). I quit my job in hopes of resting until I got better...but it looks like I'm not going to get better. I am living at home...with an already stressed budget as my mom and dad got a divorce about 6 months ago. So with only my mom working on her crappy wage, me out of the job, and medical bills stacking up.

I had it all growing up. I was spoiled, I worked out, I was smart. The plan was to graduate college and provide my wife with a great living, now I can't even walk in the park with her without having to take breaks. Be sexy with rock hard abs, which have turned to flab in the past months from no exercise at all. I'd give it all just to watch tv or sit here typing this without pain. I'd give it all to have my old life back...

Feel free to ask any question, say things like pwned, or didn't read. It doesn't really matter.....

LetsPlayBrick

1. You have a girlfriend. That's a plus.
2. This disease sounds rough, having looked it up. The meds and appointments must be hella expensive. It's like a bad STD, except not transmitted sexually. There seem to be exercises and regimens available, but I'm sure you know more about that than I do in your current situation(obviously).
3. Depression is bad. I've been through a couple of my own, but there is always a way out. A good friend or two, or a family member can help you out. Finding an escape iskey. I'm sure that the pain you regularly experience would be hard to dull into submission, so I don't know if music would help, but it helped me plenty.

As for the suicide...Last May, a close friend of mine attempted suicide, and it was hell for him to get better, and it was hell for me and about 15 or 20 others who he was either family or friends with. I had pretty bad anxiety after learning of his attempt and my confidence dropped, not to mention the time spent with my friends. I'd driven him home the night he tried to kill himself, and I still blame myself for not being a better friend to help him pull through. Not being around him enough, and it created a vicious cycle of neglect and depression on my part. It took his recovery and a lot of soul searching to get back to normal. I couldn't imagine where I'd be right now if he died. I'd probably still be a tremendous wreck.

I've experienced what attempted suicides cause firsthand, and I know people who have had friends or family finish the deed, and it leaves scars. I'm not trying to guilt you into anything, but you wouldn't be the only person affected by your suicide.

[QUOTE="mikeg0788"]

[QUOTE="LetsPlayBrick"]Same to you delusion. Thats horrible man, just smoking weed used to freak me out sometimes as far as thought proccess. Best of luck to you as well....Fortier

I don't think he was talking about weed when he said he OD'ed..speaking of which, can pot help alleviate some of that pain?

Is it even possible to OD on weed? Or is that what "greening out" is.

Sorry to sidetrack your thread Brick, but I'm actually quite curious.

[QUOTE="mikeg0788"]

[QUOTE="LetsPlayBrick"]Same to you delusion. Thats horrible man, just smoking weed used to freak me out sometimes as far as thought proccess. Best of luck to you as well....Fortier

I don't think he was talking about weed when he said he OD'ed..speaking of which, can pot help alleviate some of that pain?

Is it even possible to OD on weed? Or is that what "greening out" is.

Sorry to sidetrack your thread Brick, but I'm actually quite curious.

i don't think it's possible to OD on weed, I ODed on alcohol. I was 15 at the time.

yeah I've thought about at home stuff as well. Theres not much for me really at home...I've been working on short movies and editing and stuff in my spare time. I'm pretty sure if I make it through this I will have a career in film....the schizophrenia has left me with tons of ideas and horrors for a variety of movies I'd like to produce...I write the nightmares and sounds down so I don't forget them...not the best way to get ideas though...actually I'd quite like it to never get anymore ideas....LetsPlayBrick

Well damn dude theres your light at the end of the tunnel. You have a goal...now pursue it. I know its probably not as easy as that, but damn...at least you have something to shoot for.