Primary steps
Gaining weight is easy. All you need to do is eat all your meals at a certain set of restaraunts, order your food within certain guidelines, snack at night, refrain from exercise, and snack anytime you are watching tv or using a computer. See the sections below for details.
Eating out
Eat at the following restaraunts:
You will need to eat a combination of those three for each meal of the day. I would suggest McDonalds in the morning because they have a breakfast. I would say go with KFC during the day because a giant bucket of greasy chicken hits the spot for lunch and if you get extra you can easily take it with you to business meetings or other work functions. Eat Taco Bell for dinner (and possibly Fourth Meal) because they are open late.
Tips on ordering
When you order there are a number of words you need to make sure to avoid:
- Low fat
- All natural
- Low sugar or sugar free
- Less calories
- Helps reduce heart disease risks
- 100% (anything with "100%" is bound to be bad)
Eating at night
You should make sure to keep a bucket of chicken by your bed at night in case you wake up. I realize you probably are saying, "But then I have to brush my teeth again." I don't think so. There's so much trans fat and grease and salt in that chicken I think the bacteria in your mouth will die of heart attacks before they have a chance to affect your teeth.
If your wife/husband/gf/bf starts giving you crap about feasting on chicken at 4:06am just pass them a few wings and it'll be cool.
Exercise
This is a big no-no. You need to just stay on the computer 8 - 12 hours a day. If you cannot commit to that many hours, then you should try to substitute that with watching television. If there are any activities you must do during the day that are even moderately strenuous, you should refrain. Try to convince someone else to do it for you. For example, if you need the tv remote and it's several feet away on a table, try to get one of your kids to do it or your wife if the kids aren't available.
Snacking while watching tv or using the computer
Keep several bags of chips near every tv, computer, and to a lesser extent every radio. Whenever you use these devices, make sure to eat chips while you do.
Frequently asked questions
Q: My car broke down and so I am unable to go out for fast food. What do I do now?
A: No problem. Order pizza or chinese food. If you order pizza, get an all-meat pizza. If you get chinese food, get General Tso's Chicken. Continue to eat these foods until your car is repaired.
Q: I'm not rich enough to eat McDonald's, Taco Bell, and/or KFC for every meal. What can I do?
A: Yeah you are.
Q: I sometimes like to drink coffee in the morning and tea in the afternoon. Is this ok?
A: No. Instead of coffee, drink Red Bull (not the sugar free kind) and for afternoon drink non-diet cola instead of tea.
Q: Some of these tips sound kind of unhealthy. Is there a health risk associated with following these tips?
A: Are you a doctor? Neither am I.
Q: I have gotten so many crumbs and grease in my keyboard it is sometimes pressing keys that I am not actually pressing. What do I do about that?
A: Keyboards are cheap. Just keep a few spares on hand. Just remember not to switch out the keyboard yourself as this could be mildly strenuous. Make sure to convince someone else to do it for you.
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