If you are a genuinely nice but shy guy

[QUOTE="derekjeter2005"][QUOTE="uhoh_hotdogs"]

My God. It is like you see into the very depths of my soul. :| Absolutely serious here. :|

I appreciate you posting this (and the people who replied) because the exchanges that went on really make me think about my own life . . . some of the things said mirror my world nearly perfectly.

MrGeezer

For what it's worth, I've been "in that predicament" for basically my whole life. By the time I reached the age of about 20, I just pretty much resigned myself to the idea that that is who I am, that I will never be willing to make the change necesary to become someone else, and that that's who I will always be. Then, by the time I reached the age of about 22, I just plain no longer gave a flying ****.

Behaviour often dicates desire, not the other way around. You can spend years shovelling poop hoping that you one day become rich so that you can stop shovelling poop. Fast forward to 15 years in the future, when you've won the lottery. You no longer have to shovel poop to make a living, and you quit your job shovelling poop. But while you're living comfortably in your expensive mansion, you find yourself having desires to go back to shovelling poop every time you smell the stank that enters your nose whenever you take your prized award winning poodle out to do its business.

Ever watched The Shawshank Redemption? For YEARS, Red said the **** that he thought he needed to say in order to get paroled. By the time he finally did get paroled, he was wishing that he was back in prison. Because prison was all that he knew, it was where he had a certain level of comfort, and everything else was sort of scary. He always wanted to be free. But once he was free, he had been in prison for so long that prison was truly where he BELONGED. He became "institutionalized".

And as someone who has been EXACTLY where you are, let me tell you that you can become "institutionalized" to loneliness and sadness. It is possible for that to become "normal", so much so that social contact actually HURTS. Frankly, these days I don't really give a **** any more, and I'm comfortable with the level of social interaction that I have. Occasionally, I wish that I had good friends, a loving wife, and awesome children. But the second I have to socially interact with people, I feel extremely uncomfortable. Minimum human contact is extremely unpleasant for me, and can become painful, and I keep finding myself retreating into my "loner zone", despite the fact that I used to desperately want to get out of the loner zone. I've been "institutionalized" just like Red. I've allowed this to be who and what I am, and I am old enough that I no longer really care enough to make any changes.

As I said, behaviour dictates desires. Be a solitary anti-social loner for long enough, and eventually that will become the only thing that pleases you. Be a jerk for long enough and you will surpass the date by which you can stop being a jerk. Bite your fingernails for long enough, and you will ALWAYS have a need to bite your fingernails, and failing to bite your fingernails will be painful. Behaviour dictates desires.

You are at the five year mark. I think it's time to evaluate the degree to which you CARE about being sociable. Because with each passing year, it's gonna get harder to become more sociable. And with each passing year, you're going to more and more start to find yourself thinking that you frankly don't give a **** enough to make the effort to be more sociable. Now is the time to decide whether or not you are comfortable spending the rest of your life being shy and lonely, and whether or not it's worth the effort to change. Changing will be hard, and it's up to you to decide if that's worth the effort. But rest assured, if you keep this up, eventually it'll be too late to go back. Eventually you just won't give a ****, and that'll provide the foundation for the rest of your life. So decide soon, because five years is a long time. You live like this for 5 years, what's to stop you from living like that for another three? Then you're approaching 10 years, and by that time any kind of change becomes difficult as hell, REGARDLESS of how much you want it.

That was some of the best advice I have ever gotten on the internet.

But I honestly feel the same as this guy. I have been a loner for most of my life, and I haven't had many friends. I always thought that college would be a place for me to turn a new leaf and make friendships. It's been two years, and I can't believe I'm in the same rut that I was when I graduated high school. I will say that it's much easer to talk to people in college then it was in high school. But it's my obsessive paranoia of rejection that keeps me from wanting to meet more people. I'm almost scared to go up to a stranger to talk with them and petrified if I see someone I knew in high school; just because it brings back so many unwanted memories. I can talk and have a conversation fine but eventually you start to question if you're doing something right or you're just not right in the head. Perhaps if I change the lifestyle that I'm living now then maybe I can change. The saying old habits die hard come to mind. Thanks Derek for posting this, it let me get some quality advice and gave me a lot of peace knowing that I'm not alone.

I already have friends from HS, close friends. why take the risk? derekjeter2005

Because you don't gain anything from not taking risks, coming out of a risk unscathed inherently gives you even more confidence, and there isn't really anything to loose. You can't expect everyone to like you.

That was some of the best advice I have ever gotten on the internet. But I honestly feel the same as this guy. I have been a loner for most of my life, and I haven't had many friends. I always thought that college would be a place for me to turn a new leaf and make friendships. It's been two years, and I can't believe I'm in the same rut that I was when I graduated high school. I will say that it's much easer to talk to people in college then it was in high school. But it's my obsessive paranoia of rejection that keeps me from wanting to meet more people. I'm almost scared to go up to a stranger to talk with them and petrified if I see someone I knew in high school; just because it brings back so many unwanted memories. I can talk and have a conversation fine but eventually you start to question if you're doing something right or you're just not right in the head. Perhaps if I change the lifestyle that I'm living now then maybe I can change. The saying old habits die hard come to mind. Thanks Derek for posting this, it let me get some quality advice and gave me a lot of peace knowing that I'm not alone. smartgrunt

Start small. Talk to people who have to be nice to you like waitresses or something. Take incremental baby steps outside your comfort zone and it wont be such a big challenge.

I already have friends from HS, close friends. why take the risk? derekjeter2005

I can definitely relate to a lot of what people are saying here. I can count the friends that I can actually hang out with on one hand. Back in high school I used to be very social and hand tons of friends. We were up to no good though, we used to party and not take life seriously enough. I graduated high school, just barely, and refused to go to college because I thought school wasn't for me. I continued to party and go out with my friends every night, drinking and using drugs on occasion thinking my life would just work itself out. I had tons of friends and even a girl friend but I knew that life could not last forever. When I turned 22, after 4 years of doing nothing except partying and playing video games I realized I wanted more out of life. This is when I decided to get up and move somewhere new and have a fresh start. So I moved half way across the country to southern California and started working. I worked for about 9 months when I decided I wanted to go to school because I knew more options would open up for me if I did. I've currently been in school for 2 years with a 3.2 GPA which is a huge change for me. But it took away from my social life.

I used to be very social, always going out drinking, partying and talking to people but ever since I moved to California that has all changed. I used to be able to talk to people because they were on the same level as me, the people I called "friends" drank and partied just like I did so we had common interests to socialize about.  However, now that I am in California and I'm taking my life more seriously I have taken a big fall. I used to have this confidence about my lifestyle, about being a partier. I thought that I was a cool person because I partied. Now as I'm getting older I'm realizing that confidence was based on something that I ended up giving up on. Now I'm 25, going on my junior year of college realizing how bad I ****ed up. I am way behind all my peers. They have all graduated and are getting good jobs while I am still stuck in college. Coming to such realizations really took a large blow on my self esteem. I am no longer the social person I used to be, just a fraction of it.

I now spend most of my time alone playing video games, studying or hanging out with my girl friend. And now before you say something like "you have a girl friend, you have nothing to complain about" I want you to know even though I was lucky enough to meet this girl my social life is still a wreck. I have become very afraid of social interaction and I didn't used to be this way, thats the thing that scares me. Just being around people makes me uncomfortable now. For example,  standing in line at the grocery store causes me to panic and feel anxious. Even walking down the halls at school makes me self aware. I really wish things could go back to the way they were in the respects of my social life but that doesnt' seem possible.

One thing I have noticed is how important body language and eye contact really is. I think this is probably one of the biggest factors of social interaction and as of late I have noticed I have been acting very strange in that regards.  I can't seem to look people in the eyes anymore, I feel as if I'm intruding into their space by looking at them for too long, even if they're talking.  And if I look to the ground or somewhere else it shows my weakness.  Body language and eye contact used to come naturally to me.  I never in my life thought that you could actually lose it but I guess you can.  It probably has a lot to do with my lowered self esteem recently. I've been trying to find a body language coach but I haven't had any luck.  I really want to make a change for the better but it all seems so difficult. Its pretty ironic, I was confident and proud when I was partying and using drugs and I know feel like a failure even though I'm in school and doing well. I am truly sick of living my life this way. It shouldn't be like this, I miss having people around me and socializing.  I can't believe changing my life for the better by going to school actually had a negative impact on my life.  Oh well, goes to show you crazy life really is.  Thanks for reading. 

[QUOTE="derekjeter2005"]thing is that once you get to know me I'm anything but submissive, it just seems that way from the outside because I don't really feel comfortable with people until I've been around them long enough. zeldaluff

I know how you feel >.>

it seems pretty "power hungry" to make a move on a girl with full intention of initiating a relationship. If you don't do this you are weak so therefore you must be power hungry to want to do this because power is the opposite of weakness. you're adding this sort of negative connotation to desire for success. all I'm saying is that it takes a lot of confidence to negotiate your way through the american education system (what with expensive loans, standardized testing, the temptation to procrastinate). Not everyone can do it. The way I see it, the people who don't make it to the top lack self confidence more than the people who do because they've given up in some way. derekjeter2005

Just gotta speak up.

You don't have to be loud and outgoing. Just talk to those around you, maybe just ask questions. You don't necessarily have to have a long conversation.

Thats kinda been my problem. I have no problem talking to people first. But I just can't seem to keep an conversation all too well. It helps when you have something in common though.

And you're in college but you're still out their own your own with no true friends yet, would it be hard to get a girlfriend? I mean how hard would it be if you've got everything that a girl looks for (attentiveness, caring, good looks) but you're just so shy and have a kind of lone wolf mentality? (but you have no problem talking to other people if they talk to you first)derekjeter2005