If you are a genuinely nice but shy guy

It'll be tough if you don't talk to people and interact. How else would anyone know that you are a nice guy?hokies1313

thing is that once you get to know me I'm anything but submissive, it just seems that way from the outside because I don't really feel comfortable with people until I've been around them long enough. derekjeter2005

I know how you feel >.>

You just described my pathetic life. I'm just going to class, playing some games, eating, watching sports, and sleeping. I'm always happy and outgoing when I visit my friends on weekends now and then.Nifty_Shark

Well I don't know or care if I'm a "nice" guy by most people's standards, most people don't know **** about anything.

I'm not shy, but I do carry a loner type persona. I don't hate people (Used to be on that self destructive path, got off my highhorse a long time ago, despire my previous comment suggesting otherwise), but I can go without them and I can blend in with them.

A lot of women have said I'm attractive, "hot", or good looking, and I work out to improve my image (Well, OK, I actually work out so I can get into the military easier and perform better at my job, which involves both taking care of Marines and also shooting the bad guys) and I act cordial around most people, and if you get rid of the shyness factor, get out a little bit, find some people to hang with (Easy enough with colleges having groups for everything from entertainment to serious study), and don't hide in a shell, women will enjoy your company, and you'll find women who are like you. But since I'm not into any of that pairing up stuff all that much I never pay it any mind.

You just described my pathetic life. I'm just going to class, playing some games, eating, watching sports, and sleeping. I'm always happy and outgoing when I visit my friends on weekends now and then.Nifty_Shark

And you're in college but you're still out their own your own with no true friends yet, would it be hard to get a girlfriend? I mean how hard would it be if you've got everything that a girl looks for (attentiveness, caring, good looks) but you're just so shy and have a kind of lone wolf mentality? (but you have no problem talking to other people if they talk to you first)derekjeter2005

[QUOTE="derekjeter2005"]And you're in college but you're still out their own your own with no true friends yet, would it be hard to get a girlfriend? I mean how hard would it be if you've got everything that a girl looks for (attentiveness, caring, good looks) but you're just so shy and have a kind of lone wolf mentality? (but you have no problem talking to other people if they talk to you first)II_Seraphim_II

It'll be tough if you don't talk to people and interact. How else would anyone know that you are a nice guy?hokies1313

its the EXACT same thing with me. No lie, I do the EXACT same thing. I only really get excited to see my old friends from HS during breaks. In college, its so weird, not only do I feel afraid to open up because I want to protect myself, but I also think that a lot of people are fake and judgemental so I protect myself, cause I know if I take their abuse it'll end up bringing out the worst in me derekjeter2005

I know it may seem hard, but really, just try and chat with some of your *****mates. You'd be surprised at how easy it is to make friends there. 

[QUOTE="II_Seraphim_II"][QUOTE="derekjeter2005"]And you're in college but you're still out their own your own with no true friends yet, would it be hard to get a girlfriend? I mean how hard would it be if you've got everything that a girl looks for (attentiveness, caring, good looks) but you're just so shy and have a kind of lone wolf mentality? (but you have no problem talking to other people if they talk to you first)derekjeter2005

And you're in college but you're still out their own your own with no true friends yet, would it be hard to get a girlfriend? I mean how hard would it be if you've got everything that a girl looks for (attentiveness, caring, good looks) but you're just so shy and have a kind of lone wolf mentality? (but you have no problem talking to other people if they talk to you first)derekjeter2005

You just described my pathetic life. I'm just going to class, playing some games, eating, watching sports, and sleeping. I'm always happy and outgoing when I visit my friends on weekends now and then.Nifty_Shark

And you're in college but you're still out their own your own with no true friends yet, would it be hard to get a girlfriend? I mean how hard would it be if you've got everything that a girl looks for (attentiveness, caring, good looks) but you're just so shy and have a kind of lone wolf mentality? (but you have no problem talking to other people if they talk to you first)derekjeter2005

Social deficiencies are the WORST trait to have when it comes to gaining friends and mates. THE WORST.

Sure, you could be ugly. But ugly people have absolutely no problem finding ugly women. You could be a dirtbag. But every time you turn on the news and see that a bank robber or serial killer got caught, you also notice that he either got arrested at his hot girlfriend's house, or actually got his hot wife to help him commit his crimes. You could be poor. But in college it's pretty standard for people to live on ramen noodles because they're broke as ****, so that shouldn't hurt you too much either.

But if you're not assertive enough and confident enough to initiate social interactions and then follow through with it, you're gonna have problems. BIG problems that last you the rest of your life. And that extends way beyond getting a girlfriend, that's the kind of stuff that can hurt the quality of your entire life.

LOTS of people are "nice". But being nice by itself doesn't get anyone anywhere. Humans are a social species, and it is SOCIALIZATION that opens doors for us. Not being "nice". DOGS are "nice" too. And everyone is nice to dogs and nobody wants to be mean to dogs. But they're not people. So most people don't treat them like people, we treat them like dogs.

Example...ever watched the movie Bubba Ho-Tep? In this movie, Elvis  Presley is a very old man living in a retirement nursing home. He's bedridden for most of the day, he's frail and weak, and he's old as hell. Sure, he's NICE. He's very nice. But one of the more promiscuous nurses thinks nothing of using his room to change clothes while The King is clearly awake. Not because she WANTS The King to see her booty. But because in her mind, he's not even quite human. His **** doesn't work, he's too frail to assault her, and he's too nice to make any kinds of complaints. He is harmless and impotent and nonthreatening. And stripping in front of him is no more harmful or damaging than your DOG seeing you naked.

That's what "nice" gets you. You become a dog. Sure, people "like you", but they don't like you in the sense that they like PEOPLE. They like you in the same way that they like a DOG or a cute little kitten stranded on the side of the road. Most people will try not to be mean to you. Because you are being DEFINED by your niceness, and being mean to you because you're weak would be like walking up to a puppy and kicking it in the face. That's what being nice like that ensures you. A future of people being nice to you, while treating you like a dog. 

Now, once again, don't get me wrong. It is GOOD to be nice. But you have to be a PERSON first and foremost, and then qualify that by being a NICE person. Be assertive and outgoing and sociable, and people will define you as a human being. Then, whether or not you're nice can determine whether or not people determine you to be the best person ever, or just a total jerk. But you NEED to be sociable and outgoing. You CAN'T expect friends and women to throw themselves at you just because you're nice, because that won't happen. Being ONLY nice doesn't get you ****, it just makes you a dog that everyone is nice to. But just because they're nice to you doesn't mean that they want to hang out with you or have sex with you. You need to be nice AND sociable. 

[QUOTE="derekjeter2005"]And you're in college but you're still out their own your own with no true friends yet, would it be hard to get a girlfriend? I mean how hard would it be if you've got everything that a girl looks for (attentiveness, caring, good looks) but you're just so shy and have a kind of lone wolf mentality? (but you have no problem talking to other people if they talk to you first)MrGeezer

Social deficiencies are the WORST trait to have when it comes to gaining friends and mates. THE WORST.

Sure, you could be ugly. But ugly people have absolutely no problem finding ugly women. You could be a dirtbag. But every time you turn on the news and see that a bank robber or serial killer got caught, you also notice that he either got arrested at his hot girlfriend's house, or actually got his hot wife to help him commit his crimes. You could be poor. But in college it's pretty standard for people to live on ramen noodles because they're broke as ****, so that shouldn't hurt you too much either.

But if you're not assertive enough and confident enough to initiate social interactions and then follow through with it, you're gonna have problems. BIG problems that last you the rest of your life. And that extends way beyond getting a girlfriend, that's the kind of stuff that can hurt the quality of your entire life.

LOTS of people are "nice". But being nice by itself doesn't get anyone anywhere. Humans are a social species, and it is SOCIALIZATION that opens doors for us. Not being "nice". DOGS are "nice" too. And everyone is nice to dogs and nobody wants to be mean to dogs. But they're not people. So most people don't treat them like people, we treat them like dogs.

Example...ever watched the movie Bubba Ho-Tep? In this movie, Elvis  Presley is a very old man living in a retirement nursing home. He's bedridden for most of the day, he's frail and weak, and he's old as hell. Sure, he's NICE. He's very nice. But one of the more promiscuous nurses thinks nothing of using his room to change clothes while The King is clearly awake. Not because she WANTS The King to see her booty. But because in her mind, he's not even quite human. His **** doesn't work, he's too frail to assault her, and he's too nice to make any kinds of complaints. He is harmless and impotent and nonthreatening. And stripping in front of him is no more harmful or damaging than your DOG seeing you naked.

That's what "nice" gets you. You become a dog. Sure, people "like you", but they don't like you in the sense that they like PEOPLE. They like you in the same way that they like a DOG or a cute little kitten stranded on the side of the road. Most people will try not to be mean to you. Because you are being DEFINED by your niceness, and being mean to you because you're weak would be like walking up to a puppy and kicking it in the face. That's what being nice like that ensures you. A future of people being nice to you, while treating you like a dog. 

Now, once again, don't get me wrong. It is GOOD to be nice. But you have to be a PERSON first and foremost, and then qualify that by being a NICE person. Be assertive and outgoing and sociable, and people will define you as a human being. Then, whether or not you're nice can determine whether or not people determine you to be the best person ever, or just a total jerk. But you NEED to be sociable and outgoing. You CAN'T expect friends and women to throw themselves at you just because you're nice, because that won't happen. Being ONLY nice doesn't get you ****, it just makes you a dog that everyone is nice to. But just because they're nice to you doesn't mean that they want to hang out with you or have sex with you. You need to be nice AND sociable. 

Now, once again, don't get me wrong. It is GOOD to be nice. But you have to be a PERSON first and foremost, and then qualify that by being a NICE person. Be assertive and outgoing and sociable, and people will define you as a human being. Then, whether or not you're nice can determine whether or not people determine you to be the best person ever, or just a total jerk. But you NEED to be sociable and outgoing. You CAN'T expect friends and women to throw themselves at you just because you're nice, because that won't happen. Being ONLY nice doesn't get you ****, it just makes you a dog that everyone is nice to. But just because they're nice to you doesn't mean that they want to hang out with you or have sex with you. You need to be nice AND sociable. 

MrGeezer

and you know... maybe its because I see so much benefit from being a well spoken person in the professional world. I see salary and employment opportunity. in a social environment I only see the promise of rejection for being weird or uncool.

And you're in college but you're still out their own your own with no true friends yet, would it be hard to get a girlfriend? I mean how hard would it be if you've got everything that a girl looks for (attentiveness, caring, good looks) but you're just so shy and have a kind of lone wolf mentality? (but you have no problem talking to other people if they talk to you first)derekjeter2005

And you're in college but you're still out their own your own with no true friends yet, would it be hard to get a girlfriend? I mean how hard would it be if you've got everything that a girl looks for (attentiveness, caring, good looks) but you're just so shy and have a kind of lone wolf mentality? (but you have no problem talking to other people if they talk to you first)derekjeter2005

dude, you are exactly like me.

As for what to do, just take any chance you can get. Two of my girlfriends were lab partners. Three I met at work. You dont have to meet girls in a strictly social atmosphere.

Just take any chance you can to create a friendship with anyone, and if you like the person well enough develop it into more serious, romantic things. You'll eventually get over your lone wolf mentality (I am still extremely shy though lol).

[QUOTE="derekjeter2005"]And you're in college but you're still out their own your own with no true friends yet, would it be hard to get a girlfriend? I mean how hard would it be if you've got everything that a girl looks for (attentiveness, caring, good looks) but you're just so shy and have a kind of lone wolf mentality? (but you have no problem talking to other people if they talk to you first)nimatoad2000

[QUOTE="nimatoad2000"][QUOTE="derekjeter2005"]And you're in college but you're still out their own your own with no true friends yet, would it be hard to get a girlfriend? I mean how hard would it be if you've got everything that a girl looks for (attentiveness, caring, good looks) but you're just so shy and have a kind of lone wolf mentality? (but you have no problem talking to other people if they talk to you first)derekjeter2005

Sorry MrGeezer, but I'm of the opinion that you don't need to be SOCIABLE to be successful. I mean I have a 4.0gpa in college and am in the honors program and I can interact ok in a professional environment. thats because its easy because there are things that need to be said. in a social enviornment I draw blanks, I don't know what to say and usually I'm down in the dumps and I sound very apathetic about everything. I think its a bit of a stretch to say thatderekjeter2005

That's fine. That also depends on what kind of job you're thinking of having for the rest of your life. If you want a job that doesn't really require you to be social and outgoing, then I'm sure you'll do fine professionally. But if you want a job that really requires you to be a "people's person", then being "shy" and "a loner" can close all sorts of jobs for you.

I'm not saying that having that kind of personality is definitely killing your career before it even begins, but IT CAN BE. Depends on what you want to do.

But if you can't even have the nerve to initiate contact with a woman, when the worst thing that can happen is that she turns you down, then you're probably not the person I'd want to trust to make a big business deal with a huge important client when the worst that could happen is that you cost the company a lot of money and end up getting fired.

The question I think you should ask yourself is, "what's the worst that could happen"?

Worst that can happen when you ask a girl out is that she turns you down. No big deal. Go watch a movie and get over it. Worst that can happen when you let social stress get in control of your job is that you can lose your job, cost the company money, and cause other people to lose their jobs. Some jobs are absolutely not suited for ANYONE who is too shy to even get a girlfriend.

Now, once again, that may not be the case for you. For all I know, depending on your chosen career, social interaction might pretty much be a non-issue. But that depends on what career you want to have. Some careers are absolutely not for loners. 

My God. It is like you see into the very depths of my soul. :| Absolutely serious here. :|

I appreciate you posting this (and the people who replied) because the exchanges that went on really make me think about my own life . . . some of the things said mirror my world nearly perfectly.

My God. It is like you see into the very depths of my soul. :| Absolutely serious here. :|

I appreciate you posting this (and the people who replied) because the exchanges that went on really make me think about my own life . . . some of the things said mirror my world nearly perfectly.

I mean how hard would it be if you've got everything that a girl looks for (attentiveness, caring, good looks) but you're just so shy and have a kind of lone wolf mentality?derekjeter2005

its just not natural to start acting like something you're not. and why do people put so much into "growing a pair and putting on a false personna to score"? I'll never understand it :(derekjeter2005

[QUOTE="uhoh_hotdogs"]

My God. It is like you see into the very depths of my soul. :| Absolutely serious here. :|

I appreciate you posting this (and the people who replied) because the exchanges that went on really make me think about my own life . . . some of the things said mirror my world nearly perfectly.

derekjeter2005

For what it's worth, I've been "in that predicament" for basically my whole life. By the time I reached the age of about 20, I just pretty much resigned myself to the idea that that is who I am, that I will never be willing to make the change necesary to become someone else, and that that's who I will always be. Then, by the time I reached the age of about 22, I just plain no longer gave a flying ****.

Behaviour often dicates desire, not the other way around. You can spend years shovelling poop hoping that you one day become rich so that you can stop shovelling poop. Fast forward to 15 years in the future, when you've won the lottery. You no longer have to shovel poop to make a living, and you quit your job shovelling poop. But while you're living comfortably in your expensive mansion, you find yourself having desires to go back to shovelling poop every time you smell the stank that enters your nose whenever you take your prized award winning poodle out to do its business. 

Ever watched The Shawshank Redemption? For YEARS, Red said the **** that he thought he needed to say in order to get paroled. By the time he finally did get paroled, he was wishing that he was back in prison. Because prison was all that he knew, it was where he had a certain level of comfort, and everything else was sort of scary. He always wanted to be free. But once he was free, he had been in prison for so long that prison was truly where he BELONGED. He became "institutionalized".

And as someone who has been EXACTLY where you are, let me tell you that you can become "institutionalized" to loneliness and sadness. It is possible for that to become "normal", so much so that social contact actually HURTS. Frankly, these days I don't really give a **** any more, and I'm comfortable with the level of social interaction that I have. Occasionally, I wish that I had good friends, a loving wife, and awesome children. But the second I have to socially interact with people, I feel extremely uncomfortable. Minimum human contact is extremely unpleasant for me, and can become painful, and I keep finding myself retreating into my "loner zone", despite the fact that I used to desperately want to get out of the loner zone. I've been "institutionalized" just like Red. I've allowed this to be who and what I am, and I am old enough that I no longer really care enough to make any changes.

As I said, behaviour dictates desires. Be a solitary anti-social loner for long enough, and eventually that will become the only thing that pleases you. Be a jerk for long enough and you will surpass the date by which you can stop being a jerk. Bite your fingernails for long enough, and you will ALWAYS have a need to bite your fingernails, and failing to bite your fingernails will be painful. Behaviour dictates desires.

You are at the five year mark. I think it's time to evaluate the degree to which you CARE about being sociable. Because with each passing year, it's gonna get harder to become more sociable. And with each passing year, you're going to more and more start to find yourself thinking that you frankly don't give a **** enough to make the effort to be more sociable. Now is the time to decide whether or not you are comfortable spending the rest of your life being shy and lonely, and whether or not it's worth the effort to change. Changing will be hard, and it's up to you to decide if that's worth the effort. But rest assured, if you keep this up, eventually it'll be too late to go back. Eventually you just won't give a ****, and that'll provide the foundation for the rest of your life. So decide soon, because five years is a long time. You live like this for 5 years, what's to stop you from living like that for another three? Then you're approaching 10 years, and by that time any kind of change becomes difficult as hell, REGARDLESS of how much you want it.

And you're in college but you're still out their own your own with no true friends yet, would it be hard to get a girlfriend? I mean how hard would it be if you've got everything that a girl looks for (attentiveness, caring, good looks) but you're just so shy and have a kind of lone wolf mentality? (but you have no problem talking to other people if they talk to you first)derekjeter2005

I mean if girls can't see by my actions trying to get to the top and make a lot of money that I have confidence in myself then I don't know what to say, I guess they're just not very good at judging confidence. derekjeter2005

There is a difference between confidence in ones self and being power hungry. You described power hungry actions (making lots of money and wanting to climb to the top). Most girls can actually tell the difference -- (I personally find it attractive to an extent -- key words there is to an extent).

It is possible to be power hungry and still lack confidence. That usually leads to someone who is destructive with their power hunger as they don't have the confidence to think that they can keep rising/stay in power and are usually the ones who rise to power by stepping or destroying others along the way.

I mean if girls can't see by my actions trying to get to the top and make a lot of money that I have confidence in myself then I don't know what to say, I guess they're just not very good at judging confidence. and by your definition personality traits are not personality traits. they're just states of mind influenced by family, pop culture and media. honestly if no one ever told you to socialize or put you in a social environment, you'd think it was normal to be alone. Thomas Hobbes was correct in saying that human beings are worlds unto themselves. Really why is anyone even here at gamespot? just think about it... derekjeter2005

[QUOTE="derekjeter2005"]I mean if girls can't see by my actions trying to get to the top and make a lot of money that I have confidence in myself then I don't know what to say, I guess they're just not very good at judging confidence. and by your definition personality traits are not personality traits. they're just states of mind influenced by family, pop culture and media. honestly if no one ever told you to socialize or put you in a social environment, you'd think it was normal to be alone. Thomas Hobbes was correct in saying that human beings are worlds unto themselves. Really why is anyone even here at gamespot? just think about it... Buffalo_Soulja

exactly I know I'm not content and although that's not why I'm here at gamestop its good reason to post this thread.

All I'm saying is that the reasoning that girls sense a lack of self confidence from quiet guys is trite to say the least. no one is absolute in their self confidence it would be inhuman. I wasn't even aware that there was a standard barometer for self confidence. and I'm sure that a majority of people are less self confident than they're willing to admit.

exactly I know I'm not content and although that's not why I'm here at gamestop its good reason to post this thread.

All I'm saying is that the reasoning that girls sense a lack of self confidence from quiet guys is trite to say the least. no one is absolute in their self confidence it would be inhuman. I wasn't even aware that there was a standard barometer for self confidence. and I'm sure that a majority of people are less self confident than they're willing to admit.