I Used The Batman's Soap And Didn't Become A Sad Vigilante

The Batman is in theaters now but simply watching The Batman isn't enough for me. I need to be Batman. Well, that sounds a little too intense. I need to smell like Batman. After all, that's the first step to giving yourself over to a life of vigilantism, right? Thankfully, that's where Dr. Squatch comes in. The soap company offered up samples of its special The Batman soaps--one based on the Caped Crusader himself, and the other on The Riddler. That means, for science, I was about to experience what showering like The Batman and his notorious foe was like.

The soaps are called The Batman Bricc and The Riddler Enigma and--supposedly--they are meant to be aromas that perfectly conjure up mental images of those characters. For Batman, one would assume that scent would be sweaty Batsuit, cave water, and vengeance. According to Dr. Squatch, though, this soap is "vigilant, mysterious, and enduring, just like a Squatch man should be." To them, that particular scent is dark leather.

With literally any other Batman movie, where the suits often seem to be made out of molded rubber, I would have called foul. Honestly, though, that's what Robert Pattinson's suit looks like. So, in theory, they've nailed it.

In practice, though, I didn't really feel like Batman after I used it. Don't get me wrong, it's a nice smell, and I definitely felt cool doing away with the grit and grime like I was cleaning the mean streets of Gotham. I just didn't feel "sad vigilante taking his frustrations out on the criminal underworld" cool. In the long run, that was probably a good thing. After all, Batman does a lot of his prowling at night, and I like to sleep then. I'm not like billionaire Bruce Wayne, able to shun having a day job so you can moonlight as a costumed bat that flirts with a cat burglar. I have to work to pay my bills, so I thank Dr. Squatch for not sending me spiraling into the life of Batman.

Then, of course, there's The Riddler's scent. In Riddler's typically over-dramatic way, Dr. Squatch doesn't tell you what the aroma of this soap is. Instead, there's an intricate web of puzzles for you to solve to figure it out. Just kidding. Actually, there's a hidden password written along the top of the box that glows in the dark (though you can also read it with the lights on). If you enter it into the Dr. Squatch website, you get to watch a video that reveals the scent--apple of discord. As far as I can tell, that's Riddler code for green apple.

Much like The Batman's blend, Riddler's soap was nice. It's certainly more floral than Batman's, but given Riddler's flair for going over-the-top, I'd expect nothing less. Still, even though I used his soap, I didn't feel myself teetering on the brink of madness, waiting to start spinning riddles to fool people into getting killed. As with The Batman Bricc, that's a good thing. I never wanted to be the Riddler. Honestly, there's no way I'd be better at it than Paul Dano, so why even try?

There is no end to the products available promoting The Batman and limited edition soap certainly qualifies as one of the strangest. Still, while neither of these will truly make you feel like the Dark Knight--or even a character from one of Robert Pattinson's lesser movies, like Water for Elephants--they're certainly a nice change from your run of the mill Irish Spring-infused showers. Fingers crossed they eventually release a Penguin blend, which just smells like Colin Farrell. Then we can all be the coolest dude on Earth.