*Spoilers*

I belive that in the end Cobb was actually in reality. The top kept spinning for a while, but when it started to shake and then the screen went black I assume that the top was actually going to fall.

Alright, I guess I'm done then.

Is this better?

What is war?

Is it a time that none adore?

Is it based on pure hate?

Or is it against people's rights to meditate?

Is it good for anything?

Or is it just a way to feel like a king?

Lining up to be shot down.

Never to return to their hometown.

How do people feel when murdering men?

Do they become savages who feel the need to kill again?

People dying without reason.

War gives death its own season.

Are the two new lines good and placed in the right spot?

[QUOTE="Dave8D2"]

I think I'm gonna go with this:

What is war?

Is it a time that none adore?

Is it based on pure hate?

Or is it against people's rights to meditate?

Is it good for anything?

Or is it just a way to feel like a king?

How do people feel when murdering men?

Do they become savages who feel the need to kill again?

People dying without reason.

War gives death its own season.

Do you think that the second line makes sense?

What do you think I should change "Xx_Hopeless_xX

I think I'm gonna go with this:

What is war?

Is it a time that none adore?

Is it based on pure hate?

Or is it against people's rights to meditate?

Is it good for anything?

Or is it just a way to feel like a king?

How do people feel when murdering men?

Do they become savages who feel the need to kill again?

People dying without reason.

War gives death its own season.

Do you think that the second line makes sense?

[QUOTE="Dave8D2"]

[QUOTE="Xx_Hopeless_xX"]

The line about gore still just doesn't sit well with me :(..otherwise i think it's better then the other one...you may also want to try reading some of Wilfred Owen's poems for inspiration such as Dulce Et Decorum Est..they may help you get more ideas in regards to what words to use and such..

Xx_Hopeless_xX

A time that all abhor?...Lined up before the rifles..thundering loud, blinded by the clouds of red as shells rain down, men lay crying, slowly dying...life stains the sands red, Watch your brothers die with bodies weighted down by lead?..

[QUOTE="Dave8D2"]Well what else rhymes with war that will fit there?scorch-62

[QUOTE="Dave8D2"]

[QUOTE="Xx_Hopeless_xX"]

I think the bolded lines were the ones that felt a bit out of place..you might want to try portraying your theme with more finesse..instead of just laying out flat claims such as "people dying for no reason" try and let the reader come to his/her own conclusion about war...but in the process also letthem know what you think about it subtly...use negative words..and try and create imagery that's negative..

Xx_Hopeless_xX

What is war?

Is it any battle that has gore?

Is it based on pure hate?

Or is it against people's rights to meditate?

Is it beneficial for anything?

Or is it just a way to feel like a king?

How do people feel when murdering men?

Do they become savages who feel the need to kill again?

People dying without reason.

War gives death its own season.

The line about gore still just doesn't sit well with me :(..otherwise i think it's better then the other one...you may also want to try reading some of Wilfred Owen's poems for inspiration such as Dulce Et Decorum Est..they may help you get more ideas in regards to what words to use and such..

[QUOTE="Dave8D2"]

I had to write a 10 line poem about war for english class and I wrote this:

What is War?

What is war?

Is it any battle that has gore?

Is it based on pure hate?

Or is it against people's rights to meditate?

Is it good for anything?

Or is it just a way to feel like a king?

Do people feel good when killing a man?

Or do they become savages without plan?

People dying for no reason.

War gives death its own season.

What do you guys think? Any suggestions?

Xx_Hopeless_xX

I think the bolded lines were the ones that felt a bit out of place..you might want to try portraying your theme with more finesse..instead of just laying out flat claims such as "people dying for no reason" try and let the reader come to his/her own conclusion about war...but in the process also letthem know what you think about it subtly...use negative words..and try and create imagery that's negative..

What is war?

Is it any battle that has gore?

Is it based on pure hate?

Or is it against people's rights to meditate?

Is it beneficial for anything?

Or is it just a way to feel like a king?

How do people feel when murdering men?

Do they become savages who feel the need to kill again?

People dying without reason.

War gives death its own season.

[QUOTE="Dave8D2"]

I have a newer draft. Not much is different except one of the lines:

People dying without reason.

War gives death its own season.

Ultimas_Blade

So far these are your best lines, personally I would rewrite as:

War is Death's season, to claim life without reason.

You could run with that scheme, and rhyme:

AA
BB
CC

Or take it in some other direction. You may want to change the subject as someone suggested earlier, however do as you will and be your own guide.