Episode One: The Hollowlands

Episode One: The Hollowlands

Prologue, II: "Premonition"
All that is about to unfold are hidden within the painter's words to his son.

Chapter One/Chapter Two: "The Boy With No Past"/"Two Years' Pain"
Introducing Lloyde Crescent, our hero. Can he face the figure of that has appeared before him, and shake loose the chain of events leading into his epoch?

Chapter Three: "The Lost Ones"
Begin to lose sight... of everything.

Chapter Four: "Dragonsbane"
The path was darkest at the dawn; follow the thread by which your life still hangs.

Chapter Five: "The Three Travelers"
Who is the mysterious woman and her two dangerous companions?

Chapter Six: "By Death's Side"
His last waking breath! What grave secret are the three travelers hiding?

This morning, the muse said "GET ON THAT ****ING COMP AND WRITE!" So I did. She apparently doesn't care about the Prelude anymore... :(

That said, I think I just slayed another demon writing this. :P

Note that I didn't edit ANYTHING. That is all.

"Ooh, nest!"

Possibly should be "a nest"?

Anyway great opening! That is all I will say as you appear to have injured my editing demon. I suppose that makes you iloveflash: teenage demon slayer? 8)

Anyway great opening! That is all I will say as you appear to have injured my editing demon. I suppose that makes you iloveflash: teenage vampire slayer? 8)

Foolz3h

Uggh, no, I'm a vampire, I don't want to die from the blows of a fellow writer....

Oh, about this piece, it seems more like a prolouge than a first chapter, but eh, great writing.

[QUOTE="Foolz3h"]

Anyway great opening! That is all I will say as you appear to have injured my editing demon. I suppose that makes you iloveflash: teenage vampire slayer? 8)

aliblabla2007

Uggh, no, I'm a vampire, I don't want to die from the blows of a fellow writer....

Oh, about this piece, it seems more like a prolouge than a first chapter, but eh, great writing.

Don't worry, you are safe... I meant demon slayer! :D

Painting utensils? Do you call them utensils?

Overall, the usual... a nice start but a tad too slow and eventless. Perhaps the calm before the storm? :P

Nice mood you made there. It seems more like a stand-alone story than a prelude, though.

You spelled "utencils", but I think it's spelt "utensils". Wouldn't you call them painting paraphernalia, though? Utensils are usually for the kitchen. Also, the way you transitioned from saying that Lloyde was mischievous to saying that he would listen to his father seems rather abrupt. One paragraph he's a mischievous, naughty little boy who sticks to his mother, and next he listens to his father alright. And, at the end, the little lecture that the painter gives about giving without expecting anything in return seems rather removed from the initial mood that you created. I don't know; maybe I'm a bit picky. It is a bit slow, but as sandy said, maybe the calm before the storm, huh?

"Ooh, nest!"

Possibly should be "a nest"?

Anyway great opening! That is all I will say as you appear to have injured my editing demon. I suppose that makes you iloveflash: teenage demon slayer? 8)

Foolz3h

Woah, srsly!? :o That's a first!!!

Uggh, no, I'm a vampire, I don't want to die from the blows of a fellow writer....

Oh, about this piece, it seems more like a prolouge than a first chapter, but eh, great writing.

aliblabla2007

I thought vampires were immortal? :P

Thanks for the props!

Painting utensils? Do you call them utensils?

Overall, the usual... a nice start but a tad too slow and eventless. Perhaps the calm before the storm? :P

sandyqbg

Like I said, I just got on and wrote, no editing done whatsoever. Right now I'm focusing on the prelude, anyway.

Nice mood you made there. It seems more like a stand-alone story than a prelude, though.

You spelled "utencils", but I think it's spelt "utensils". Wouldn't you call them painting paraphernalia, though? Utensils are usually for the kitchen. Also, the way you transitioned from saying that Lloyde was mischievous to saying that he would listen to his father seems rather abrupt. One paragraph he's a mischievous, naughty little boy who sticks to his mother, and next he listens to his father alright. And, at the end, the little lecture that the painter gives about giving without expecting anything in return seems rather removed from the initial mood that you created. I don't know; maybe I'm a bit picky. It is a bit slow, but as sandy said, maybe the calm before the storm, huh?

helios_rietberg

Lemme put it this way; if we were talking about the main story for Element, the one which takes place on the main continent and not on a set of secluded islands, and were pointing out the very first epic thing that happened throughout our protagonist's--Lloyde's, life, then this would be it. That epic thing being the words his father said to him, which foreshadow what is going to happen to Lloyde throughout the next three volumes. I definitely have to rewrite that speech, but again I was just sleeping with the muse that night.

That aside, I'm a bit confused what you mean with those two paragraphs. My memory's a bit shot at the moment, as I haven't read the piece since I last wrote it :P, so can you spare a brotha some examples?

I thought vampires were immortal? :P

iloveflash

There's a big difference between living forever and being invulnerable to damage.

Very cool. Nice choice of words to set the mood straight:)

BTW, ill have some new work up by tommorow;)

Lemme put it this way; if we were talking about the main story for Element, the one which takes place on the main continent and not on a set of secluded islands, and were pointing out the very first epic thing that happened throughout our protagonist's--Lloyde's, life, then this would be it. That epic thing being the words his father said to him, which foreshadow what is going to happen to Lloyde throughout the next three volumes. I definitely have to rewrite that speech, but again I was just sleeping with the muse that night.

That aside, I'm a bit confused what you mean with those two paragraphs. My memory's a bit shot at the moment, as I haven't read the piece since I last wrote it , so can you spare a brotha some examples?iloveflash

Alright. I look forward to seeing the rest of the volumes! As for the paragraphs...

His mother continued to pamper him, even after he comitted unprecedented acts of mischief and trouble, and likewise his father persisted in disciplining him. Ironically, the boy had been taking more to his father as of late.iloveflash

From here, you jump straight into...

The painter had succeeded, for the most part, in getting the boy to follow simple commands of doing and not doing, and almost no longer needed to go beyond what was necessary to keep him in check. Thus, he felt confident that nothing would go wrong in placing his paint things all around the child; a few words of "Don't touch that" would most likely do the trick.iloveflash

There isn't a linking word, I think, showing that the painter's efforts have borne fruit and that the boy is now listening to him. If there were a linking device like "however" or "even so", it would make the two paragraphs go more fluidly. Right now I read them and just sort of feel a little confused, because there is such an abrupt change of attitude from Lloyde. 

Anyways, looking forward to the rest of the story! :) Keep things up!

[quote="iloveflash"]His mother continued to pamper him, even after he comitted unprecedented acts of mischief and trouble, and likewise his father persisted in disciplining him. Ironically, the boy had been taking more to his father as of late.helios_rietberg

From here, you jump straight into...

The painter had succeeded, for the most part, in getting the boy to follow simple commands of doing and not doing, and almost no longer needed to go beyond what was necessary to keep him in check. Thus, he felt confident that nothing would go wrong in placing his paint things all around the child; a few words of "Don't touch that" would most likely do the trick.iloveflash

There isn't a linking word, I think, showing that the painter's efforts have borne fruit and that the boy is now listening to him. If there were a linking device like "however" or "even so", it would make the two paragraphs go more fluidly. Right now I read them and just sort of feel a little confused, because there is such an abrupt change of attitude from Lloyde. 

Anyways, looking forward to the rest of the story! :) Keep things up!

Gotcha, I see where the problems are.

The linking word in this case would be "ironically", but in using "likewise" instead of "on the other hand" in the preceding sentence, I think that's what might've caused the flow issue. I'll look it over (soon enough). Thanks.

Looks like I finally got people saying Lloyde's name, maybe I've accomplished something at last. :P

You always finish most of your story in the Prelude, don't you? :Psandyqbg

Of course, from start to finish I say!

[QUOTE="sandyqbg"]You always finish most of your story in the Prelude, don't you? :Piloveflash

Of course, from start to finish I say!

:lol:

Hey folks and folkettes! Imma be chargin ma las0rz for the next few days, and will be trying to deliver some more Metal Shadow. The last episode is still going through a series of time vortexes to try to get to the right place, but who's seriously gonna wait for them? When Lady Muse taps my shoulder, I'll tap yours, and slam chapter one of Episode One--the REAL beginning of Volume One--all up in yours. So watch your backs, peons!

Oh yeah, I've decided on a title for the prologue. Check the front page.

*gasp.* :o

Chapter one begins.

This sounds wierd to me: and much more meaner-looking than most.

When you say more, isn't it unnecessary to say meaner. Why not just "more mean-looking"

It might have been a nice start had the chapter not been too short and quite bland. What impresses me more is the fact that you actually stepped out of the Prelude and wrote chapter 1 :o

After unpacking his things, he sat down on another stump next to his son, placed his things all around the boy

I Would avoid using "Things" twice.

After unpacking his things, he sat down on another stump next to his son, placed his things all around the boy, and began mixing liquids into different colors, while observing with a keen eye the clearing and all of its different hues and shades, to better feed his eyes and memory.

Wowwww! Ultimate run on sentence. Tighten the belt on that one.

After a moment of this, however, and after glancing at the paper sitting beneath his father's brush,

Ditch the "and after". The vocab is fine with it in but it is a bit clunky I think.

so that they would be punished for not giving him what he wanted--or even just that: he would cry because he could not make things go all the ways he would like.

A colon should only be used when presenting a list. Use a semi-colon their instead.

The prologue is greatly written. I did find it a bit bland though having not read the first chapter. I suppose that after I read the 1st chapter everything will come into place just nicely. Bravo Flash:)

After a moment of this, however, and after glancing at the paper sitting beneath his father's brush,

Ditch the "and after". The vocab is fine with it in but it is a bit clunky I think.

honkyjoe

The paper is sitting?

[QUOTE="honkyjoe"]

After a moment of this, however, and after glancing at the paper sitting beneath his father's brush,

Ditch the "and after". The vocab is fine with it in but it is a bit clunky I think.

waZelda

The paper is sitting?

Not literally, silly. :P It's called personification; treating an abstraction as if it were a person, endowing it with human-like qualities (http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/personification). That's a very common tool used in writing, moreso than even metaphors I think.

Now to dissect honkyjoe's points. He certainly tried!

After unpacking his things, he sat down on another stump next to his son, placed his things all around the boy

I Would avoid using "Things" twice.

honkyjoe

Well... okay. But it isn't anything particularly jarring. I guess there weren't many errors to choose from? :P

After unpacking his things, he sat down on another stump next to his son, placed his things all around the boy, and began mixing liquids into different colors, while observing with a keen eye the clearing and all of its different hues and shades, to better feed his eyes and memory.

Wowwww! Ultimate run on sentence. Tighten the belt on that one.

honkyjoe

Lol, that's okay if it goes on a little longer than usual. What matters is that it makes sense, and flows despite its length. Mark of good writing, I say!

If anything, there might simply be one too many comma's.

After a moment of this, however, and after glancing at the paper sitting beneath his father's brush,

Ditch the "and after". The vocab is fine with it in but it is a bit clunky I think.

honkyjoe

Ditching that would mess up the clause. What I should've done was make a dash between 'however' and 'and after', but to me that's unneccesary; everyone will understand what's trying to be said, so a comma would serve the flow of the sentence better than dashes.

so that they would be punished for not giving him what he wanted--or even just that: he would cry because he could not make things go all the ways he would like.

A colon should only be used when presenting a list. Use a semi-colon their instead.

honkyjoe

Not so; a colon can also be used to define something: which in this case, it is doing. A semi-colon would also be the wrong thing to use since the previous clause is meant to be run-on; it would "pause" the sentence in the wrong way, if you get my drift.

Lolcwutididthar?

The prologue is greatly written. I did find it a bit bland though having not read the first chapter. I suppose that after I read the 1st chapter everything will come into place just nicely. Bravo Flash:)

honkyjoe

There's no prior knowledge needed for this chapter; it is the start of the main story arc. Also, if you're referring to the Prelude Episode, that definitely has no correlation to the next five or so episodes. So I guess you really were bored by reading this. :P

Anyway, glad you enjoyed the writing. Catch the next chapter on the 17th!

Read most of Chapter 1 + 2. Skipped the prelude (breezed through it to make sure nothing important happened, and I was right), because 100% of the time they're pointless (and if they're not pointless, they're Chapter 1).

Very, very strong writing. I was just reading Harry Potter 6 a few hours ago, and I say this as a complement: you're very close to Rowling's writing. You move from action to detail and back perfectly, and it makes your pacing spot on.

I can't say I like the whole "events will occur and you won't know what's happening, neener neener" plotline so far, but I can get over it, I guess. You did that a lot with Metal Shadow, too, though. Snapadavit!

Oh, and dear god, why are all of your stories planned so epicly? "Episode One?" You think we all have enough time to read Episode Two?! Edit your plot plans, fool!

But yeah, fantabulous wondercals. Happy goodness.

Somewhere, a kitten just reborned.

Thanks for boosting the egometer a further couple of points; with this, I'll be able to finish the rest of this episode faster than before. Speaking of which, this is still Metal Shadow, just a new story arch, with new settings and characters. It will all make sense in time, promise--although I should point out that this episode is a lot more straightforward than the Prelude, and the plot for the first five episodes is much easier to follow. Mostly.

"Very strong writing..." I feel invigorated. Hell, I feel like kissing you!

...

I'll go read 43DH5 now. :P

I'll go read 43DH5 now. :P

iloveflash

Oh, it hasn't changed. I'm typing a review of Dawn of Sorrow, though.

Double post, but I forgot this part:

this is still Metal Shadow, just a new story arch, with new settings and characters

iloveflash

F*** that s***.

Chapter One:

"It seems to me like you never get angry. Like you never grow upset; never shed a tear, or laugh when you smile. It seems like you have no emotions whatsoever."

ILF

Hmm, is this guy thinking of his past impressions? If so, then it should be past tense - seemed.

As the enforcers drew closer to one of them, the student, realizing he could not escape, turned around and shouted: **** THIS CITY--!!" before the tip of a burning electric stick found its way to his throat, and he was rendered dead in an instant.

ILF

The police here perform on-scene executions on school students?

Yeah. Not a nice place.

Anyway, here's what I think so far:

Both the plotline and setting are turning out to be quite interesting. Because judging from the "sky cities" and yet the obvious use of technology, this is Science Fantasy - which is probably my favourite genre of fiction at the moment, and that's not likely to change anytime soon. As for the story itself, I'd like to see this develop - yeah, I can see the mature themes already present, and I hope you continue the story soon enough now that you're done with Purgia.

Double post, but I forgot this part:

[QUOTE="iloveflash"]

this is still Metal Shadow, just a new story arch, with new settings and characters

Aberinkulas

F*** that s***.

Keep your pants on and this ride will be much smoother!

Chapter One:

[QUOTE="ILF"]

"It seems to me like you never get angry. Like you never grow upset; never shed a tear, or laugh when you smile. It seems like you have no emotions whatsoever."

aliblabla2007

Hmm, is this guy thinking of his past impressions? If so, then it should be past tense - seemed.

As the enforcers drew closer to one of them, the student, realizing he could not escape, turned around and shouted: **** THIS CITY--!!" before the tip of a burning electric stick found its way to his throat, and he was rendered dead in an instant.

ILF

The police here perform on-scene executions on school students?

Yeah. Not a nice place.

It's actually 'seems' because he's referring to something that is still present, not past impressions or something that used to be and has now changed.

And you'll never discover it through the story, but as the author I'll tell you: the enforcer killed that student by accident. See what happens when the captain neglects to say "set your phazers to stun?" :P Thinking about it now, I might add that in somewhere.

Anyway, here's what I think so far:

Both the plotline and setting are turning out to be quite interesting. Because judging from the "sky cities" and yet the obvious use of technology, this is Science Fantasy - which is probably my favourite genre of fiction at the moment, and that's not likely to change anytime soon. As for the story itself, I'd like to see this develop - yeah, I can see the mature themes already present, and I hope you continue the story soon enough now that you're done with Purgia.

aliblabla2007

Thanks for the impressions! :D As a genre, I'm not quite sure what kind of fantasy this is, but there are definite (and heavy) references to Science Fiction, as you will discover throughout this episode as Lloyde embarks on his journey. But by the end of the episode you will begin to see the "real" picture, which was merely introduced in the Prelude. ;) Needless to say, it'll take the imagination places.

I'll try to dish out the next chapter ASAP, as it's supposed to be relatively short. Thanks for the support!

Read chap 2

Though I cant gauge the backdrop exactly I'm excited by the prospect of it. Can you explain it better?

I thought the flow broke a few times in the last chapter and the perspective of the narrative kept weaving in and out of Lloyd's person quite haphazardly.

Other than that I liked it especially the setting

Read chap 2

Though I cant gauge the backdrop exactly I'm excited by the prospect of it. Can you explain it better?

I thought the flow broke a few times in the last chapter and the perspective of the narrative kept weaving in and out of Lloyd's person quite haphazardly.

Other than that I liked it especially the setting

sandyqbg

I'd suggest holding onto your opinion a bit longer. You'll get insight into a lot of things in the next chapter, and the following one is where the story really gets "rolling."

That's weird, I looked it over and didn't see any whatsoever.iloveflash

I don't remember all the ones I noticed, but you said person once when I think you were refering to more than one person, and you said apart when you meant a part. Reading through it again I don't spot any more than that, so I don't understand why I got that impression :?

[QUOTE="iloveflash"]That's weird, I looked it over and didn't see any whatsoever.waZelda

I don't remember all the ones I noticed, but you said person once when I think you were refering to more than one person, and you said apart when you meant a part. Reading through it again I don't spot any more than that, so I don't understand why I got that impression :?

Maybe you read another work and the impression stuck to this

"and he closed his eyes from the floor."
I know it's poetic and all, but it is still a bit awkward!

"the room suddenly felt quite intemperate"
Considering you've previously stated cold and chilly, freezing might have more impact?

"Boring thorugh his own lids."
I know it'd be repeating eyes, but I personally think lids sounds silly. It's up to you, though!

"Headmsater had expressed such high hopes in the calm"
It should be for!

"Lloyd could tell from the shuffling of paper that he was sorting through Lloyde's academic record."
Repetition.

"Awesome mastery of critical thinking"
What kind of a school is this? The next he'll be saying that his essays are cool!

"Awe-inspiring focus"
Slight over reaction?!

"looking up to seek Lloyde's raction."
Isn't the action of looking up the seeking? So he's actually looking up to see his reaction!

"Stare holding description."
Great description!

"His next his few words would have fallen on deaf ears."
If it's would have that means he doesn't say them, but it doesn't go on to say 'if he had a chance to say them' or something.

So he hates them because they have no empathy for people who are different to them, yet he is different to them and has no empathy for them. :P

"Still lived in an era of constant distress, its inhabitants…"
What would you say to a semicolon instead?

"And all the networks it had established."
So all the networks that the war had established? What networks?!

"Caught up a race for survival"
And trapped up in typo creek without a keyboard!

"as much as a breeding ground"
I think it would be a bit less clunky if it was "as much as it was"

"He did as the headmaster would proclaim: "he proved his utter genius."
The repetition of he there I found quite annoying!

"He had learned gotten used to war's"
:D

"For a moment Lloyde did nothing, simply stood against"
I think an and or he would make that so much better, but a semicolon might improve it also!

"He just seemed "out of it."
There's nothing wrong with that in and of itself, but it's the third time you've repeated the same thing!

"Buildings lampposts, and other such external devices."
I'm not sure I've ever heard buildings of lampposts referred to as external devices. :P

"for a moment he dind't respond at all, just stood"
Once again, he, and or semicolon would be much better for flow!

"kept there hand as it was"
Their.

"concluded another hoax"
Concluded to be another hoax.

"Scraping up the road gravel"
I don't think road is necessary at all, but at least make it 'road's gravel'!

"A few of them take off in the direction"
Took off.

"chaos abound"
Abounded? :shock:

"young , naïve rebels."
It's French! Where are you accents?!

"No one was looking in Lloyde's direction; everywhere he turned"
First part destroys the impact of the latter part without actually adding to it IMO.

"Hesitation began to breed within his heart, spreading like wildfire."
Another great description! :D

"had once been apart of the norm"
Brilliant typo.

"been built small"
Small build dammit! And why was he surprised they were thinner than him? He saw their thin hand!

"He said no more, sensing now."
Once again for flow, 'sensing that now' might be better.

"come open with each other"
Is that some sort of sexual position I've not heard of?! Or does he want her to come clean with him?

"Lloyde looked after the person"
You've never called them person before (actually maybe once) but nevertheless I found it a tad jarring.

"as if he couldn't care what they had to say, and did not acknowledge the person in even the slightest."
Considering the very descriptive tone it would probably fit better If it was 'did not care about what' and 'slightest way'.

"instead of taking note of took note of"
I taked not on these typo!

"then the figure"
It would flow better I think!

"not unless their was something"
There.

"Whoosh:"
Italic, dood, italics!

"rushed past the two descendants"
Descendants?! :D I don't think you can call something descending a descendant but I could be wrong!

Anyway, hmm. It's very polished, but you know where this is going! There were some real problems with the writing. It was very over-descriptive and simple and left little to the reader's imagination while also repeating the same things over and over again throughout the two chapters. The styIe was also a tad inconsistent at times with random summaries by the narration interspersed with the usually more action and character based descriptions. Many of these summaries also came after passages where you'd repeated the same thing several times and resulted in large amounts of salt being rubbed into the wound!

Many of the things I've highlighted are actually symptoms of that and wouldn't necessarily make a difference if altered (beyond the errors) so you may want to ignore some of them and think about the piece as a whole if you're not happy with it.

Yet despite that it still managed to be a very intriguing opening and I'm glad to finally see Lloyde at the age where most of the story will be taking place (I assume). Now hurry up and get up to that dragon.

Funnily enough those are the major technical problems with Harry Potter! Over-description, repetition, etc. But even so I'm looking forward to more! Finally Lloyde! :D Though this is a hell of a lot better than the beginning's of most Harry Potter books, but the best part's of the prologue are up there with the parts of HP where Rowling actually decides to try and write well!

Moar, though!

Forget the weekend, it's out right now! :D Now THIS feels like a two-chapter special! AND IT ROCKS!

Go back and read moar. Nao.

despite still being youngerILF

"Still" messes up the sentence in my opinion. I'd get rid of it

Isonno Rennekie.ILF

Weaabo.

Sixth and Seventh Skies without homesILF

Or, you could just say "homeless". ;)

Isonno than with the lackadaisical LloydeILF

Well, I suppose seeing this random long word pop up was less shocking than when Sandy used it. :P

which so many had leaned on--and shoulders--which so many had cried onILF

I wouldn't want to be that guy. Can you imagine drying your shirt from tears all the damn time?

    Lan stopped and looked at her.ILF

I'd say "turned to her" would fit better, though it's not a big deal.

The man's skin ruptured and blood poured out like a faucet, but he kept his grip on Claudia, determined to choke her to the death. Lloyde grabbed his shoulders--fighting his own flinches at the thought of touching someone he'd just killed--and desperately tried to pry him off of her, but Lan kept his grip on the girl until every ounce of his own life had dwindled awayILF

Seeing as, for us fragile humans, cutting someone's throat = instant death (which this man does not demonstrate), I hereby interpret Lan Rennekie alongside his son Isonno as an being from a species of extraterrestial origin. Now I see the science fiction element! :D

he went on barrel roll all the way to the bottom ILF

Oh, good, that's how humans in here do things, too. ;)

BlankeILF

From what I've read so far, it's a fitting name. ;)

That is, if you mean "blank-headed".

The first post says that all the chapters are coming soon. What is your definition of soon?waZelda

Soon enough. :P

If things go smoothly (and by smoothly I mean, the opposite of how the Prelude went), then this episode should be done by the end of the year.

[quote="ILF"]despite still being youngeraliblabla2007

"Still" messes up the sentence in my opinion. I'd get rid of it

Fo sho you rite!

Isonno Rennekie.ILF

Weaabo.

Gezundeit.

Sixth and Seventh Skies without homesILF

Or, you could just say "homeless". ;)

Thinking about it...

Isonno than with the lackadaisical LloydeILF

Well, I suppose seeing this random long word pop up was less shocking than when Sandy used it. :P

I'm surprised we haven't reached any real issues at this point. :P

which so many had leaned on--and shoulders--which so many had cried onILF

I wouldn't want to be that guy. Can you imagine drying your shirt from tears all the damn time?

He clearly derives some sort of sick, twisted, erogenous pleasure from it all.

    Lan stopped and looked at her.ILF

I'd say "turned to her" would fit better, though it's not a big deal.

Ye hath not foundth a single flaw thus far!

The man's skin ruptured and blood poured out like a faucet, but he kept his grip on Claudia, determined to choke her to the death. Lloyde grabbed his shoulders--fighting his own flinches at the thought of touching someone he'd just killed--and desperately tried to pry him off of her, but Lan kept his grip on the girl until every ounce of his own life had dwindled awayILF

Seeing as, for us fragile humans, cutting someone's throat = instant death (which this man does not demonstrate), I hereby interpret Lan Rennekie alongside his son Isonno as an being from a species of extraterrestial origin. Now I see the science fiction element! :D

That interpretation was hilarious except for the part where it made sense.

he went on barrel roll all the way to the bottom ILF

Oh, good, that's how humans in here do things, too. ;)

Did you know Michael Jackson just died doing one of those? Or so I heard.

BlankeILF

From what I've read so far, it's a fitting name. ;)

Almost as good as Oeppe, innit? :D

That is, if you mean "blank-headed".

:D...

Anyway, it looks like I've slayed another editing demon! :) I'm clearly what my tag suggests!!

Impressions on the story?

Impressions on the story?

iloveflash

No, I'll wait until you have posted every single chapter.

Just kidding! But I do not have much to say about this at this point except that the setting seems interesting.

  and determining their meek but wise persona'sLadyparts

No apostrophe, please.

By the time the fleeing figurehad Ladyparts

I'm sure you can see the mistake here.

from hind to forward leg at incredible speed.Ladyparts

Either start that phrase with "at an" or "with".

Here, there was little room to moveLadyparts

"Manuever" would fit better, I think.

Impressions:

The story seems to be flowing quite nicely, (as in, the plot doesn't mess itself up). The idea of an echaelon being a walking sickle with practically no balancing traits is a bit of an exception, as I'm sure that kind of motion system would result in nothing but lots of toppling.

Finish it and I'll give a more detailed opinion. For now, there isn't exactly much to go off.

[QUOTE="iloveflash"]  and determining their meek but wise persona'sEdward Cullen

No apostrophe, please.

Very well then.

[QUOTE="iloveflash"] By the time the fleeing figurehad Edward Cullen

I'm sure you can see the mistake here.

I see! It has cinnamon swirls all over--

ERROR JOKE HAS BEEN USED BEFORE ERROR TERMINATE ERROR ERROR

[QUOTE="iloveflash"]from hind to forward leg at incredible speed.Edward Cullen

Either start that phrase with "at an" or "with".

Actually, since the adjective is indicating multiple cases of incredible speed, it should be "at incredible speeds."

[QUOTE="iloveflash"]Here, there was little room to moveEdward Cullen

"Manuever" would fit better, I think.

Thank you walking thesaurus! :)

Impressions:

The story seems to be flowing quite nicely, (as in, the plot doesn't mess itself up). The idea of an echaelon being a walking sickle with practically no balancing traits is a bit of an exception, as I'm sure that kind of motion system would result in nothing but lots of toppling.

Finish it and I'll give a more detailed opinion. For now, there isn't exactly much to go off.

Edward Cullen

Well, even horses have trouble walking when they are born, don't they? And cats and rabbits don't learn how to jump until they are in their adolescent phases. All creatures get used to their methods of movement sooner or later; it's all they've got! In the echaelon's case, it learns to hop around in circles to keep itself standing, how to turn into a "sled" when it is dark out, how to stand on two legs alone, and so on and so forth. Very elegant creature, one might say. :roll:

Well, even horses have trouble walking when they are born, don't they? And cats and rabbits don't learn how to jump until they are in their adolescent phases. All creatures get used to their methods of movement sooner or later; it's all they've got! In the echaelon's case, it learns to hop around in circles to keep itself standing, how to turn into a "sled" when it is dark out, how to stand on two legs alone, and so on and so forth. Very elegant creature, one might say. :roll:

Stephanie Meyer

The big difference between a horse or a cat or a rabbit or whatever and your echaelon is that the former have balanced legs. They look like this:

. .

. .

Rather than like this:

. 

.

Hell, the only other two-legged animals on the planet have legs like this:

. .

Which is still a much more balanced motion system.

Sure, you can learn to cope, but to my knowledge, there isn't any biologically mortal object that has managed to learn how to bypass physics.

Until now. ;) You may have never heard of such a thing before, but that's sort of the point; it's a creature that doesn't exist in the real world. And you may not be able to imagine it, but that is because you are thinking too hard. Perhaps there are some laws in the real world that don't apply in the world of Metal Shadow.

What I think you are imagining is the creature falling sideways all the time because it has no way to balance sideways. Well firstly, echaelons aren't as light as you might think; they're heavy creatures with plates naturally growing out of their legs. Secondly, in the event that they tip to the side, they simply hop to that side, lean back to the other side, and hop back into place. They do it so quickly that you can tell it's instinct. They've learned it throughout the years.

Hopping, their method of movement, prevents this dilemma. They only attempt to run when they are hitting around 100mph (and yes, some of them can hop that fast).

What do they do to stay still? They simply tuck in their legs and lie flat on the ground. When they're ready to go again they spring back up. Riders mount their echaelons in this position.

Now, there's going to be a lot of things like this in the story that you guys won't understand--and I don't expect you to understand--but I won't be able to justify them every time someone is confused about them. This is an original world. It conforms to its own rules. If it isn't made clear later on in the story, it will be in the Encyc. But chances are it will be made clear later on in the story (eg: echaelons are given a similar rundown about 40% through the volume).

Chapter 3 is now a page and a half longer--and a hell of a lot better for it. It's about 80-90% complete now. Claudia, you whore!

Hehehe, the big adventure's about to begin! :twisted:

Edit: make that 97% complete. There's like four or five paragraphs left now, but it is late and I must sleep. May I just point out, however, that the next chapter will blow all your minds? :roll: Yeah, chapter four: Dragonsbane. It's where epicness happens. The second I finish chapter three, I will move on to that one in swift sequence.

All you echaelon haters out there better watch out.