Is getting married worth it anymore?

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blaznwiipspman1

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#1 blaznwiipspman1
Member since 2007 • 16470 Posts

Im at that age where i'm looking to get married, but all I hear about is horror stories, where a man who gets married and is happy but the woman files for divorce out of nowhere, forcing the man to pay alimony for the rest of his life. Or even worse, if he has a child, he loses all custody, never gets to see them again and has to pay half his pay cheque to child support and live out of a dumpster. Even worse, the man always getting the short end of the stick, and having to go through courts, which will just drain you completely by the blood sucking lawyers.

Is it even worth it anymore to get married in the US or even the west for that matter, where the laws are very heavily tilted towards the women, and where divorce rates are above 50%?

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mrbojangles25

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#2 mrbojangles25
Member since 2005 • 57946 Posts

I never really planned on getting married, or it wasn't a goal of mine. I mean really if I met the right woman and she was like "I want to get married" I might be like "OK whatever, it means a lot to you so fine".

I don't want kids and really all marriage is to me is a social contract with society saying "Hey we are married, we can have kids now and you don't get to disapprove of it".

I recognize it does mean a lot to people though, so I'm not talking shit. It's just not a big deal to me and apparently with the divorce rate so high it's not a big deal to even married people apparently 😁

@blaznwiipspman1 said:

Im at that age where i'm looking to get married, but all I hear about is horror stories, where a man who gets married and is happy but the woman files for divorce out of nowhere, forcing the man to pay alimony for the rest of his life. Or even worse, if he has a child, he loses all custody, never gets to see them again and has to pay half his pay cheque to child support and live out of a dumpster. ...

Yeah, legal system seems skewed in favor of women, but please keep in mind that society is pretty biased towards women in the opposite direction; men are still viewed as the breadwinners, while women stay at home and raise kids. Some traditional gender roles are still heavily observed, though this is thankfully changing.

If I did have kids, well....I hope I found a sugar momma because we ain't raising them on my salary. I'd be more than happy to be a stay-at-home dad, though.

Also funny enough I just made a Reddit account and for some reason they suggested I go to the "antinatalism" forum which is described as:

This community supports antinatalism, the philosophical belief that having children is morally wrong and cannot be justified.

Pretty funny. They got a group for everything these days, don't they!?

Gotta say I agree with the majority of the posts there haha.

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Ghosts4ever

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#3 Ghosts4ever
Member since 2015 • 24745 Posts

Yes of course its worth it. call me old school. but I don't like the idea of sex before or outside of marriage.

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rmpumper

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#4  Edited By rmpumper
Member since 2016 • 2098 Posts

Not getting married will not save you from paying child support.

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blaznwiipspman1

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#5 blaznwiipspman1
Member since 2007 • 16470 Posts

@ghosts4ever: even though the divorce rate is at 60% and climbing?

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Warm_Gun

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#6 Warm_Gun
Member since 2021 • 2193 Posts

Considering most marriages end in divorce and divorce courts highly favor women with laws enacted back when wages and costs of living were much better and the man still financially supported the whole family by himself, no.

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Warm_Gun

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#7  Edited By Warm_Gun
Member since 2021 • 2193 Posts

Didn't watch the video or read the OP until after posting, and now see you both already went over the same things. Was an interesting video. Thanks. I recommend checking out the movie Marriage Story with Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson. Much of what the YouTuber talked about reminded me of that. Yeah, I've always wondered, what kid needs 80,000 dollars a month? Making it a percentage is dumb. Worse yet is that they expect you to continue paying the same amount even if you lose your job and get another that doesn't pay as much, from one story I've heard.

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DEVILinIRON

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#8 DEVILinIRON
Member since 2006 • 8639 Posts

I once knew a man who had five children from five different women. He was screwed. The women had meetings between each other about what to do.

I was married and never had children. Having one would have been a bad idea. Too expensive these days.

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LJS9502_basic

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#9 LJS9502_basic
Member since 2003 • 178748 Posts

I wouldn't do it again but I do know people that have successful marriages.

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judaspete

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#10 judaspete
Member since 2005 • 7121 Posts

I've been married 14 years and am still happy about it. There is plenty of time for things to go to hell though, so maybe ask me again in another 10 years?

Will say this, if someone says the divorce came "out of nowhere", I just don't think they were paying close attention to their partner. Maybe there are some people who bottle up their resentment and hide it well, but that just hasn't been the case for everyone I know personally who went through this. All of them showed signs their relationship was deteriorating, and a few openly talked to me about it in the months leading up to the split.

Laws vary by state, but here in California it's the spouse with the most money who should be most concerned. This is generally the man, but I saw a female higher-up at my company get hit pretty hard with child support and rent for her ex-husband. He had been the stay-at-home parent, so he made off well. Became a "professional" blackjack player after the dust settled. This was with a prenup too, he could have easily gotten more otherwise.

One last thing, men often get the shorter end on custody because a depressingly high number of us can't answer basic questions in the divorce proceedings, like the names of our kid's teachers or pediatrician.

So I guess what I'm saying is, make roughly the same amount of money as your spouse, and be actively involved with taking care of the kids.

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Nirgal

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#11  Edited By Nirgal
Member since 2019 • 541 Posts

I am also closing to marriage age and in a long term relationship with the woman i love (who really wants to get married)

To be honest its a Matter of trust. Try to choose a woman that is both self respecting and fair and that doesn't see men as the enemy or the oppressor.

At the end of the day, the laws of many countries will put you at a completely disadvantage against women. so in case you are not absolutely 100% sure she is trust worthy dont marry her.

Or just postpone it for a long time untill you know her extremely well.

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SargentD

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#12 SargentD
Member since 2020 • 7830 Posts

Getting married in September. Long overdue, spent a solid 7 years with this girl and she's the best. I'm excited to start my family. It's worth it to me.

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WitIsWisdom

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#13  Edited By WitIsWisdom
Member since 2007 • 9399 Posts

I've been married for coming up on 17 years this December. All the numbers were against us from the start. She was 18 and I was 20 when we got engaged. On top of that I was in the USMC and we had a long distance relationship at times. When we got married we never got a chance to have a honeymoon or anything like that because the very next day I had to report back to leave for my 2nd combat deployment in Iraq.

I got injured half way through the deployment and she actually received a letter home telling her I had died since they didn't think I was going to survive. After fighting to regain my life again and basically living in hospitals for the better part of 2-3 years learning how to do some basic actions once again and dealing with PTSD, TBI, tinnitus, and with her taking care of literally EVERYTHING somehow we defied all the odds through ups and downs and stayed together.

I'm pretty sure I saw or heard people in my situation have divorce rates over 90% but I truly hope we can continue to defy all odds. She is the love of my life and I knew something was different about her when I met her, I didn't want a one and done or to just screw around. It truly felt different from the start. She and my kids are my entire life these days and if we can make it than just about anyone can. In good times and bad times, sickness and health. I will always love her and I know she loves me as well.

Is getting married worth it? Yes. It takes a lot of work and sacrifice on both sides, but if you truly love each other then that will conquer all. Compromise, honesty, control, selflessness, and a good sense of humor are the keys to success in my opinion.

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Dariency

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#14 Dariency
Member since 2003 • 9464 Posts

Marriage isn't taken seriously anymore by most people. I was raised to believe that marriage is a life-long promise and shouldn't be taken lightly, but people today enter and leave marriages as they please. I think many factors are to blame, like rushing into marriage too quickly without long-term planning or having too high of expectations that aren't met which end up in disappointment. I also think people in general are becoming more independent and don't want to be "stuck" with one person the rest of their life.

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shellcase86

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#15 shellcase86
Member since 2012 • 6830 Posts

It is absolutely worth it. Alimony isn't a thing that applies in most scenarios, so that's an irrelevant concern. Child support will happen regardless of marital status.

Most of my friends are married. I have seen a few bad marriages end in divorce. But the majority of marriages I see are happy and successful. People need to spend more time investing in themselves and getting to know their partners.

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uninspiredcup

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#16 uninspiredcup
Member since 2013 • 58230 Posts

Getting rid of everyone in this house has been a godsend.

Some of the most chill times had in years. No bullshit.

So yea, if you can, have intercourse with a woman, then run away.

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poe13

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#17 poe13
Member since 2005 • 1441 Posts

@DEVILinIRON: Yeah, that's the Sister Wives show guy. Just kidding of course, but he does have 5 wives. Tons of kids as well. Stupid show of course.

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SargentD

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#19 SargentD
Member since 2020 • 7830 Posts

@girlusocrazy: appreciate that 👍 thanks! I'm hype about it.

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blaznwiipspman1

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#20  Edited By blaznwiipspman1
Member since 2007 • 16470 Posts

@WitIsWisdom: you really lucked out in more ways than one. I'm honestly jealous you found someone so great. As for me, I'm terrified of what marriage will do to my bachelor life. The wife truly has the man's balls in a vice in these relationships.

If you get divorced in this country, it pretty much means your life is over. If you don't have kids, you're still screwed, since the courts will rob you blind. If you have kids, you're screwed worse, because the courts will rob you until you're left living out of a dumpster.

The thing is, I know my personality, I'm generally not a good person. I'm selfish and asking me to sacrifice is a hard ask. I don't see this going in a good direction either. If this was the olden days, where couples could live together and learn to live with each other, that's one thing. Nowadays, everything has been hollywoodized where people get divorced after 2 months and the woman, who are empowered by the feminist movement have an ichy trigger finger, ready to pull the divorce at any moment. Even minor things like passing gas in their direction could set women off these days.

I've heard of horror stories where the woman goes through a 180 transformation as soon as the marriage takes place. Seeing crazies like amber heard has magnified my anxiety.

My parents are pushing me hard into marriage too. Cheesus, I want to run away lol.

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blaznwiipspman1

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#21 blaznwiipspman1
Member since 2007 • 16470 Posts

@sargentd: congrats!

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blaznwiipspman1

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#23 blaznwiipspman1
Member since 2007 • 16470 Posts

@girlusocrazy: how long have you been married for?

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blaznwiipspman1

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#25  Edited By blaznwiipspman1
Member since 2007 • 16470 Posts

@girlusocrazy: so your still young, 30s possibly 40s or early 50s.

I've worked with many people in the past who absolutely hate their wives, and literally work 2 or 3 jobs, without any sleep, just to get by. Most of them were in their 50s and approaching 60s. No married man I've met in their 40s looked happy to me, just tolerating things. I'm glad that there are people who have happy marriages though and that it's not some sort of unicorn myth. It gives me some hope.

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firedrakes

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#26 firedrakes
Member since 2004 • 4331 Posts

the whole point(usa) was religion and tax breaks.

now neither is really valid anymore.

also dont get me started on garbage divorced laws.

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blaznwiipspman1

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#28  Edited By blaznwiipspman1
Member since 2007 • 16470 Posts

@girlusocrazy: its only so bad in the west. Theres plenty of countries out there that you can marry a girl and nor be ruined for the rest of your life if things don't work out.

There's a risk component to marriage in the west. Are you going to deny that?

P.S thanks. You might be a cow with zero taste in gaming, but your not a bad person lol

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SargentD

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#30 SargentD
Member since 2020 • 7830 Posts

@blaznwiipspman1: thanks man 👍 and I hear your concerns on marriage. I honestly had somewhat of the same outlook as you on it. Been In a few long-term toxic relationships, girls obsessed with partying, drugs, or money or just other superficial stuff. Watched some horror stories unfold with friends who had divorces. I myself felt burnt out on the serious relationships for a period of time (had some bad ones, one girl straight up threw my head through a window, for real I dated one girl that makes Amber Heard look like Betty white lol.. )

.

I took a break from serious dating and I was having a lot of fun being single. No strings attached was great. I had no intentions to get in another long term relationship.

Then this one came along that really caught my attention and I guess what made me want to stay around is she was legit a better person than me.

She works with kids who have gone through trauma. She's intelligent and hardworking. Has a big heart for everyone. Bigger heart than mine.

She definitely pushed me to always be striving and trying to do better. Similar to what girlusocrazy was saying she pushed me alot, she's been very supportive and I'm doing a lot better than I ever had. I dunno she motivates me and I do the same for her. We are legit a team. She doesn't need me, she makes her own money and I don't need her like that either. When we first met we were both borderline broke trying to finnish up college and kind of came up together in our careers and we love being together. I see her as my best friend.

Imo if you are going to get married you gotta be 100% certain you really want to be with that person forever.

I think too many people rush it, don't take it seriously, or just push it forward because they end up having a kid. These are the people who make us think it's a bad idea to get married. I used to think that it was bad idea because of seeing that bs from some family/friends.

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fenriz275

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#32 fenriz275
Member since 2003 • 2374 Posts

For me it's a no. My health problems make any kind of relationship unfair to any partner. I would have married my last girlfriend, we were together for years and I believe she was the"one", but her own health issues took her before I had the courage to ask her. I regret not asking her every day.

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lamprey263

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#33 lamprey263
Member since 2006 • 44423 Posts

Anything worth doing right takes practice.

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#35  Edited By comp_atkins
Member since 2005 • 38626 Posts

dated my wife for a long time before we got engaged, over 10 years while we built our early adult lives/careers independently so we were pretty certain marriage would not be an issue.

we're hitting 10 years this summer and it's been totally worth it for us. we make each other better people, always support each other, share the monumental task of raising kids together. i don't see being married as some kind of sacrifice or loss of freedom or whatever. i think if that is you're attitude, you probably shouldn't be getting married.

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bluedeathking

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#36 bluedeathking
Member since 2009 • 493 Posts

@blaznwiipspman1: Getting married is a big commitment. As a person who a millennial, Ive seen too many of my peers get married young (20s(I see this age group as still discovering themselves and shouldnt get married)) and have kids. problems is usually come down to cheating due to someone getting bored of their other while sometime is can be just a abusive relationship because they fell in love with the person looks or gangster personality. most people should wait till their 30s and feel like settling down. Finding someone who you like and willing to spend the rest of your life can be hard do to young people dont 100% know how to control their emotions yet. Anyone under 25 hasnt experience the hardship of life yet in my opinion.... then there people like me who hate everyone and has huge trust issues and probably be okay with not being married... but one income in modern society suck sooo bad and its a drain.

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pillarrocks

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#37 pillarrocks
Member since 2005 • 3598 Posts

I never got married in my 20's and now am close to my 40's and don't really regret it. I actually came close to finding someone but by the time I asked her out, she was seeing someone else. Though I think if I got married in my 20's with the girl (who was 3 years younger then me) just out of high school it would have ended up in divorce. She obviously wanted a family at an early age which I personally didn't want children. When you are young, you don't really know what you want in life.

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mrbojangles25

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#38  Edited By mrbojangles25
Member since 2005 • 57946 Posts

@WitIsWisdom: Congratulations on making it work! Thank you for your service as well.

Very inspiring story. And yes, relationships are a lot of work.

@bluedeathking said:

@blaznwiipspman1: Getting married is a big commitment. As a person who a millennial, Ive seen too many of my peers get married young (20s...

Yeah I'm not sure what the big rush is. With how medicine and life expectancy are going these days, I don't understand the desire to get married before 30.

Not being critical; if you found someone earlier and you know they are the one for you, hey go for it.

But the years after high school are more often than not the years you will have the most freedom and mobility in your life. You have no career, no obligations, you are fresh out of school and ready for your next phase, plus you are still what I consider a "youth" (legal age be damned, you're still young as hell and a kid imo).

@comp_atkins said:

dated my wife for a long time before we got engaged, over 10 years while we built our early adult lives/careers independently so we were pretty certain marriage would not be an issue.

...

Any issue with dating for so long? I know some people frown upon it, but I personally don't see the big deal. Marriage is a social contract and ritual first and foremost, it objectively does not mean much (though it means a lot in other ways!)

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Rewgle

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#39 Rewgle
Member since 2022 • 407 Posts

I am somewhat anti-marriage. I guess I don't feel that being married is necessary for the ultimate display of love. I think, if anything, marriage can cause problems for new relationships when the old one fails.

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comp_atkins

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#40 comp_atkins
Member since 2005 • 38626 Posts

@mrbojangles25 said:

@comp_atkins said:

dated my wife for a long time before we got engaged, over 10 years while we built our early adult lives/careers independently so we were pretty certain marriage would not be an issue.

...

Any issue with dating for so long? I know some people frown upon it, but I personally don't see the big deal. Marriage is a social contract and ritual first and foremost, it objectively does not mean much (though it means a lot in other ways!)

not really. we started just out of hs and dated throughout college ( same city, different schools ) then i moved a bit away for work. all through college and for years after we only saw each other on weekends and occasional trips together. moved in together after a few years working separately and got engaged not long after. the contract of being married was kinda pointless at that point. we'd been together forever, we owned a home jointly. i guess it does help for tax purposes.

we would get shit jokingly from family / friends about when were we going to get married but we brushed it off. we'll follow our own timeline, not someone else's.

just passed 25 years together ( dating + marriage ) this month.

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WitIsWisdom

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#42 WitIsWisdom
Member since 2007 • 9399 Posts

@bluedeathking said:

@blaznwiipspman1: Getting married is a big commitment. As a person who a millennial, Ive seen too many of my peers get married young (20s(I see this age group as still discovering themselves and shouldnt get married)) and have kids. problems is usually come down to cheating due to someone getting bored of their other while sometime is can be just a abusive relationship because they fell in love with the person looks or gangster personality. most people should wait till their 30s and feel like settling down. Finding someone who you like and willing to spend the rest of your life can be hard do to young people dont 100% know how to control their emotions yet. Anyone under 25 hasnt experience the hardship of life yet in my opinion.... then there people like me who hate everyone and has huge trust issues and probably be okay with not being married... but one income in modern society suck sooo bad and its a drain.

Yeah, I'm sure that may be true in the vast majority of cases. In my case I had already been through boot camp, SOI, some college, several relationships including flings, two combat deployments, watched friends die, got injured, travelled a lot of the world (in my opinion), and was tired of playing games.

To this day I'm still not sure how I feel about god and all that (don't really want to get into it.. it's complicated.. lol), but at the end of my first deployment I broke down after learning that my request to get extended (didn't realize at the time I was suffering from PTSD and didn't know how to detach from war and violence) was denied due to my entire division being over deployed and they needed to straighten out the books and numbers for organizations like Mothers of America. I found myself in a cabin and fell to my knees and straight up asked god to let me meet someone when I got home for leave (I was an absolute train wreck at the time mentally), someone who didn't want to play games, and someone who I could be happy with. That's the one and only true thing I've ever asked a "higher power" for and on my 29th day out of 30 days of leave I met my wife. Turns out we went to the same high school and although I didn't know her then some of my friends were friends of hers.

Take that for whatever it is.. fate, destiny, an answered prayer, right place right time.. who knows?

We were both young and especially her still being 18, but everything just felt so right. Despite what everyone said including a lot of our friends, family, parents, etc. She made me (and still does) so happy and put me in a better place. She told me she felt like she knew me her entire life the first night we met (I know that probably sounds cheesy, but somehow it's exactly what I needed and wanted to hear.. I was lost and I felt as though through her I knew who I was). It was a lot of work on both ends, but we made it through even with thousands of miles were between us at times.

Early in our marriage things were kind of rocky since she was younger and wanted to go out partying and the whole 9 yards, but my anxiety and injuries didn't really allow me to have a good time so I stayed home a lot. However, that only lasted the first couple years and we both did a LOT of growing during that time. She had our two sons 11 months apart and they are now 14 and 15 years old.

Through everything we have been through (and trust me it's a lot...) we have managed to not only succeed with our marriage, but are happier than ever these days. Money isn't tight (like it once was and that is a very humbling experience which is why I buy a lot of my friends games so that we can play together since I know what it's like to be broke and feel like the tires are spinning in a puddle of mud), our boys are smart, funny, polite, and I don't worry about their futures at all, we have great friends and family, and things are looking up in many ways, Personally I can hardly wait to see where things take us, It's been a wild ride, but she's my best friend and I know we will always be there for each other like we have through these 18 years we've been a couple.

We often talk about taking a honeymoon after the boys move out, but we want them to remain a large part of our lives. Both her family and my family are very close and that isn't very common these days either. We have a lot of traditions and go big on holidays and family vacations and fun since you only get one chance on this world for true happiness.

If I've learned one thing throughout my life it's that life is too short to be angry, disgruntled, or always looking for a fight. I've changed a lot since my fighting days, but these days I'm happy being a tubby (working on that.. down nearly 90 lbs), happy, house dad.. lol. I have my family, my games and hobbies, my grill, and some money in the bank. Life is good.

I know it may seem cliche, but when I hear all the hardships people go through with their marriages I am glad that I was so lucky to find a woman that is so strong and perfect for me. We have both had plenty of life experiences even if most of them were taking knocks while we were together we have both grown immensely as a couple and as individual people. These days I'm retired at 100% and looking into future opportunities and she is the office lead for a large Midwest corporate office. We are still working out some credit issues from problems that haunt us from many years back, but these days we have absolutely no debt other than some medical and we are living well beneath our means. We get closer each day to moving into our dream house and often talk about our future together. In my opinion I think perhaps we are an exception. I'm not oblivious to that though and I know I am an extremely lucky man to meet the woman of my dreams who not only keeps me grounded and is there for me no matter what.

Sorry for the book, I just feel that not everything in life is textbook. It's one of the mantras I live by and it seems to be the story of my life.

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WitIsWisdom

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#43 WitIsWisdom
Member since 2007 • 9399 Posts

@mrbojangles25: Thanks man, I appreciate it. I get carried away talking about my wife sometimes, but she truly is the best thing that ever happened to me.

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WitIsWisdom

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#44 WitIsWisdom
Member since 2007 • 9399 Posts
@comp_atkins said:
@mrbojangles25 said:
@comp_atkins said:

dated my wife for a long time before we got engaged, over 10 years while we built our early adult lives/careers independently so we were pretty certain marriage would not be an issue.

...

Any issue with dating for so long? I know some people frown upon it, but I personally don't see the big deal. Marriage is a social contract and ritual first and foremost, it objectively does not mean much (though it means a lot in other ways!)

not really. we started just out of hs and dated throughout college ( same city, different schools ) then i moved a bit away for work. all through college and for years after we only saw each other on weekends and occasional trips together. moved in together after a few years working separately and got engaged not long after. the contract of being married was kinda pointless at that point. we'd been together forever, we owned a home jointly. i guess it does help for tax purposes.

we would get shit jokingly from family / friends about when were we going to get married but we brushed it off. we'll follow our own timeline, not someone else's.

just passed 25 years together ( dating + marriage ) this month.

That's awesome man. You should always be the author of your own story. Like I said before, not everything in life is textbook and once you realize that and roll with the punches things get a lot easier. Choosing to be happy is a personal choice.. it took me a long time to realize that, but now that I understand that I'm in a better place.

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Litchie

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#45 Litchie
Member since 2003 • 34318 Posts

I have a partner since 8 years and have no desire to get married. I consider it a costly, silly and generally unnecessary thing to do. If I don't care about society's picture of a how a perfect couple should be, I don't see any reason why I should waste time and money on getting "married" when the word means nothing to me. "You should get married and have children". No, I really shouldn't, since I don't want to. There's many others who get married and get children, even though they don't really want to, but get pushed into it, because "that's the way it should be". Completely fucked up in my opinion, and I will personally not do shit I don't want to do. Especially when there's children involved. There's so many shitty parents out there. Don't wanna be one of them.

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#46 RockField
Member since 2017 • 500 Posts

In my country where I live, I don't think it is worth it to get married anymore because of how bad the economic situation my country is experiencing. Aside from that, I don't like the idea to commit myself to lifetime commitment, which is marriage because it will make my life a bit more complicated. As much as possible, I want to make my life as simple as possible. With no or little complications at all. There are toxic family values that always happened in some families.