"In my life...theres been heartache and pain". What problems are you facing in life right now.

In this thread, share whatever struggles/issues/sadness you are facing. Please be respectful and positive with people willing to share. This is about catharsis. I know this board in particular can truly be a place where conversations can have a deep impact on the people on this board.

It has been a full year since I graduated college, and omg THIS YEAR......

I got arrested erroneously on suspicion of DUI 15 days after I graduated, and although after over a year the charge was dismissed; my drivers license was suspended in that period. I landed a sweet job last year around this time but lost it because after they hired me they erroneously forgot to mention in the job description that driving was required. So I kicked it around applying for jobs and finally landed 2 that I enjoyed but had an obvious time limit. Idk I think I spent the start of those two gigs just numb, I wasnt miserable(I shook the unhappiness and just accepted my situation) just sort of in a state of going with the flow. I knew Iwas going to grad school starting fall 2018(light at the end of the tunnel) so I just sort of focused my energy on reducing any stress in my immediate life.

I had a crazy roomate who was unlivable and my apartment commute to work was impossible without a car. So I moved close to both my jobs, but that required me to live downtown. Living in that scene had its ups and downs and I really embraced a lot of that culture(drinking, women, etc). Upon reflection I feel that period was me filling a hole, I honestly dont think I was going through depression(I meditate a lot and am a bit of a hippie weirdo, so I tend to shake negative emotions). That being said living dt also brought on uneeded stress(drinking like crazy and getting in weird situations with multiple women). At the same time preparing for grad school(interviews across the country, applications, applying for different things) and not being able to see my friends(most of them left town after grad or were in a similar situation where they were working crazy hours at multiple jobs) and my family(not having access to a car I was not able to go home for the first 7 months of this year) so I kind of spent most of the start of this year by making as much money as I can to pay my bills/travel expenses and party. I began neglecting my me time(movies, games, playing music, reading) and was either working or partying all day.

The work just became more and more uninteresting and I was ready to quit both jobs, and the partying became more and more to the point I was going out every day. One light in the tunnel was I started making a lot of friends in the dt scene and although it contributed to the partying, I def had some of the most profound and interesting interactions of my life and discovered a lot about people and mainly myself. Also at this time though, just family things and realizing that I am so ready for a change in my life have been building up. Unlike a lot of my friends in the town I was in, grad school kind of was my out(moving to Denver). But I also realized that a lot of my habits(drinking and womenizing) needed to be curtailed or id just fall into the same habits.

Im spending a month back home(longest ill have been home in 7 years) with my family and that has been emotional as I have not seen them all year. Then im moving across the country. My family isnt struggling financially but I am done getting help from home and fortunately I have found a job/graduate assistance ship to cover my expenses in grad school and ill be getting another part time side gig. Also my mom getting older and being on the verge of retiring has been another thing that ive been thinking of, coupled with my grandmothers house catching fire and her staying with my mom.

Tldr; just in a very dynamic transition in life after having a very exciting(ups and downs) year. Really feel like I am on the verge of getting my life together(or at least to a standard that will put me on track to accomplish what I want). Idk this last year has been one of the best and the worst, I feel like it will help me in the field im going too in the long run. But on the flip side its also made me a little shell shocked and how things can run off the rails and stray from your plans. But even then, I feel a lot more adaptable in how I handle situations. Just really appreciated every day, because there were a few moments this year where I felt I was close to flushing my life down the drain.

@Mercenary848: "in my life theres been heartache and pain"

I dont know if I can face it again

Cant stop now Ive travelled so far

To change this lonely life ............

Haha I love foreigner too my friend

I wanna know what love is

@Mercenary848: "I WANT YOU TO SHOOOOOW ME".

couldn't help it thead title literally had the lyrics in, now stuck in my head

Sing it with me :)

@dardanell: what kind of work?

nothing big these days. lost my father to cancer 2 years ago, so that sucked.

only real "struggle" these days is staying motivated w/ work, raising a toddler and preparing for another child on the way :)

@comp_atkins: True. Forget about it.

@Mercenary848:

I found out I worry too much about things out of my control. It's sad to feel powerless against fate but fretting over it only makes the feeling worse and it gets in the way of enjoying the finer things in life.

But I already knew that! And that's what makes it suck so hard! Even though I know I can't control anything, I still can't help but worry! :(

@comp_atkins: My father passed away from heart disease earlier this year. It was devastating. And there's still so much I regret. But I've gradually come to terms with it over these last couple of months.

@nepu7supastar7: The fact that you acknowledge it and are self aware puts you leagues above so many other people in your position and puts you in place to get better. Your next step should be realizing that you can take control of your life, and then you should devote your energy to eliminating everything in your life that makes you feel powerless. Once those external limitations are over, you can focus on doing what you really want. Write out what makes you feel powerless and ways to get past it.

social anxiety, depression, the inability to stop negative thoughts.

On top of all that, I'm still very fat despite working insanely hard on that problem.

Oh yeah and the lurking thought that even if I lost weight I'd still be depressed and anxious, so what's the point of losing weight, but then again maybe I will be less anxious and depressed if I lose weight so I better keep trying and OH MY GOD I JUST HAD A BAD WEEKEND AS FAR AS DIET GOES and put back on all the weight it took me two months to lose GIVE ME A PIZZA RIGHT NOW TO ASSUAGE MY SADNESS!

Only Acne for me. It could be a bitch sometimes when they come out together

I never achieved my dream of becoming a Solid Gold Dancer. I live with the pain everyday.

"I was very upset that day because I could never become a banker"

@Mercenary848:

Thanks, Dr. Mercenary! ?❤

My best friend is gone. Every day I think about it. I know I cannot do anything. However I cannot stop thinking.

@comp_atkins said:

@heathen75 said:

I never achieved my dream of becoming a Solid Gold Dancer. I live with the pain everyday.

"I was very upset that day because I could never become a banker"

Yo-Yo Ma!

Have you ever tried psychedelic mushrooms? Ill def recommend meditation/positive affirmations tapes and light destressors like walks through nature, but shrooms give us an experience of melting our ego and really seeing thhe deeper causes of our issues.

Also we have had this convo before, but alcohol also is a pretty big stimuli of negative thought.

Damn dude you must be my twin I got the same issues the thing is I've lost tons of weight in my past but I was never strong enough to keep it off. I suffer from depression too that's been going on since the mid 90's it seems to have gotten worst in the past few years I'm a emotional eater too and I love fucking pizza not literally of course lol. But yeah I think there's a part of brain that always ready to self destruct and another part that's fighting it. It's a back and forth struggle and it can be very exhausting I'm to stubborn to die but to fucked up to live so I'm just kinda of a observer in this life it seems.

Yeah that's how I feel. Just tired all the time no matter how much sleep I get (and I get plenty). It's not so much about being suicidal as wishing you just didn't exist lol.

I definitely would like to try mushrooms sometime, I hear good things about it. I also think attending an ayahuasca ceremony would be really helpful; I know a few people who have either gone to South America or found a shaman in the area, they said it helped them with a lot of things, like a death in the family, accepting a physical ailment (amputated leg, scarred skin, etc), and being at peace with things beyond their control. Ten years of therapy in a night, as they say.

Psychedelics scare me a little though just because I'm afraid I might have a bad trip.

I don't really drink alcohol any more (too many carbs!).

@Mercenary848: @mrbojangles25: @warmblur: Discussing the idea of an Ayahuasca Ceremony is okay, but here's a quick reminder of a few rules in the CoC to understand where the line is:

Can I talk about drugs?

No, we expect you to follow the Community Code of Conduct. Some specific examples of things that are not allowed include:

• Examples of how to use drugs or narcotics.
• Citing sources on how to obtain drugs or narcotics illegally.
• How to produce, or distribute drugs or narcotics illegally.

-Byshop

@Byshop: my bad, sorry

Your post was ok, but a couple of the replies (that are now deleted) got pretty... instructional/anecdotal.

-Byshop

Sorry about that, got to into the convo

No worries.

-Byshop

Sorry for your loss.

I feel that some of you have derailed the important message in this thread

@thehig1: "I wanna feel what love is,

I know you can show me."

?feels like I'm back in Vice City.?

I'm 30 and most of my friends already have kids of their own. I'm concerned about whether I will ever find a woman I am completely happy with, and whether I will ever be a father. At this point, most of my friends' kids will be much older than mine if I ever have any.

Whats the rush? I personally dont see myself settling down until atleast 35, but then who knows.

Clinical depression for me is my struggle and has been for over 20 years I hate when people say things will get better they never do for me. Usually these are happy people that say this they have no idea what it feels like to be in a dark depression for years and years. It is so hard for me to get motivated for anything in life when I was younger everybody was excited to get their drivers license and start driving. For me I just wanted to be left alone in my room from the world. I feel like I'm sitting on the bleachers watching people play the game of life while I'm expired. I don't feel sorry for myself or care about sympathy I don't even have my birthday listed on Facebook because I don't want the attention. I know what you are thinking why don't you just off yourself if you're so miserable. I say just point the gun at my head and pull the trigger because I don't have the guts. I enjoy things in life but depression just takes the fun out of most of them. I also have permanent physical health issues on top of it I'm barely existing at this point in my life but all well

Blindness, type 2 diabetes, feels like my body is about to fall apart due to not getting out and about as I used to because of dissability and the odd bout of extreme boredom of life other than that I'm fucking peachy.

This year has mostly been one gut punch after another. My wife's grandmother died, and my grandmother died. We got an adorable loving cat which really started to help my wife with her grandmother's passing, but then he died as well. Also my wife was diagnosed with the early stages of chronic kidney disease which required a very low sodium diet. She has since gotten better, but it's still very troublesome to me.

Oh, and my wife lost her job because her bosses were inconsiderate assholes who couldn't believe that she needed to take time off to deal with all of these things emotionally and medically. Now she's on an absolute shit healthcare plan that's choosing not to cover what she needs despite being told that she would get everything covered. It's petty, but I'm still planning revenge on her old bosses the moment she gets a new job, and I don't care that the adult thing to do would be to move on in this case, they made her life hell for a while and I'm going to make their lives hell in some fashion, not because it will make anything better, but because it will feel just a little bit good.

I wont lie, I have been plotting revenge on a couple people myself; mainly my old roomate who made the place I had been living so unlivable that I moved out. I feel a little guilty for being so petty, but its hard knowing someone could just wron you and walk off casually.

sadness/loneliness

Thanks, mate.

This thread title has kept Foreigner stuck in my head at work all week. Been signing it randomly as I pass co-workers throughout the days.

Do you have an actual plan or just a desire for revenge? I have a plan mapped out.

Wouldn't it be better to confront your old roommate about it and make him/her apologize?

I think we're both past the point of wanting an apology. I won't speak for Mercenary, but personally I want to make some mother******s pay. It's about wanting to enact consequences on someone for being a shitty person.

@Serraph105: I don't mean your situation, but Mercenary's situation. I probably wouldn't be able to forgive a horrible boss either, but I could probably forgive a horrible roommate if s/he apologizes.

A little backstory

My old roomate was 22 years older then me(I am 25 and he is 47) and I had been living in that place alone for about two years before he moved in(it was a place meant for college students, not middle age junkies). He was randomly assigned and although I had some reservations he seemed like a descent guy and I had had an older roommate before who (54) and we got along great. This guy was a little off at first but at first we were on really good terms, but then he switched. I never like to hold peoples past against them but this dude had a history of beating his ex wife, in and out of rehab for alcohol and every drug, pulled a gun on his own mother(who warned me that he was extremly immature), and was a genuinely repulsive human being. He would try to control every minor detail of the house and didn't respect boundaries and when I would calmly try to speak to him about it he was run off and lock himself in his room like a child. I hated bringing guests around because he was the type who did not know how to be cool around strangers and would make all my friends(who are 21-25) uncomfortable. And when I would try to tell him he would just last out and start cursing.

He would leave lights and everything on, he was gross, and he was very territorial of the living room to the point he made it seem like it was his bed room. He was an utterly disgusting two faced person with a very toxic view of women who used prostitutes. He would randomly insult me and when I would fire back he would freak out like I did it randomly. He ate my stuff without asking and would act bewildered when I called him out on it. It got to a point where things almost got physical because he kept blowing my phone up unnecessarily. I reported everything to the leasing office(who should never have rented this guy a room in the first place, god forbid he got a roommate that was unable to defend themselves). Did I mention the guy was on probabtion for shooting a gun in his mothers house to threaten her, eventhough she paid this disgusting grown ass mans bills. Just everything he did was manipulative and toxic, and he was the type that would do a small favor and try to hold anything he could over peoples heads. He was home all the time, and it pissed me off seeing this fat old piece of crap everyday ruining the house and then talking down to me and at the same time begging me for favors like I owed him anything. I just told the leasing lady, to end my lease or ill quit paying rent because it wasn't safe(he had gone through my mail). This was in january of this year(he moved in August of last year) and I still get pissed when I think about it honestly as moving was such a burden but I couldn't stomach being around him.

My plan(s): The apartment came with a tv and I know he always left the door unlocked. I planned on waiting for him to leave and then I would slip in ans steal that living room tv, and during move out inspection he would get in trouble because I moved out so long ago. No one could really figure out who because the place isnt under survellance and once again he ALWAYS left freaking doors unlocked. I could just park my car behind the woods and walk up and grab it and walk back.

Then I have been trying to find the name of his probation officer and tell him everything this guy has been doing(drugs prostitutes) and get him drug tested which he would fail.

But honestly I am over it. This guy is an idiot and will most likely end up back in jail off his own stupidity.

I hear you, but this roomate used to gloat to me about beating up his ex wife. He was a 47 year old man(read prior post) that did not believe in taking responsibility for his actions. He took pride in manipulating people and playing the victim. You can't expect an apology from someone who won't see anyones side but their own. I hate stubborn people with a bloody passion and I refuse to pander to someone who will make my life hard and then say its my fault. If I hadn't left I would have gotten him arrested(probation violation 8 years), so he owes me honestly.

@Mercenary848: Fair enough. He sounds like a nasty piece of work. Sounds somewhat like a stubborn abusive person I know (and who I'd probably never be able to forgive either).

Yeah man, people like that are better to avoid at all costs. I read somewhere that one of the keys to happiness is to avoid toxic people at all costs and I follow that strongly.