Worst reviewer in the history of videogames

The good people at CAG have started posting reviews from a complete clown (they found it on GAF forums). I thought I would start posting some here

Goldeneye ...apparently we didn't buy this game for the multiplayer :lol:

The actual reviewer ... that's him

Marvel Super Heroes ... just watch

Castlevania: SotN ... whoopdeedoo. More stupid quotes

Here is the library of his reviews.

Again I give credit to those who posted on CAG

EDIT: Here's some more.... the guy seems to be fixated on "ending ceremonies"

Street Fighter Alpha 2

Soul Blade

Silent Hill

seriously. this guy is all about CG:roll:

I agree with his Goldeneye review. I remember saying some of those same things as a kid. But his remark about the multiplayer was just hilarious.PlasmaBeam44

Same here.

"So much for realism." :D

Then there's the part about how he "got far in the game", and beat Marvel Super Heroes with The Hulk. How about actually beating the games before reviewing them?

Oh, and the Goldeneye multiplayer comment was hilarious.

Wow, the reviews are short, and pathetic. The did not like his SoTN or Silent Hill review. Were these reviews made during the 90's? I've never heard of this guy or the company.

I added 3 more videos to the mix. Street fighter Alpha 2 is quite hilarious.Nifty_Shark

He did the unthinkable...its almost worthy of a spoiler tag..

He...called Dan a good fighter...all while beating Akuma on super-easy...

This is a sham

[QUOTE="Nifty_Shark"]I added 3 more videos to the mix. Street fighter Alpha 2 is quite hilarious.SirSpudly

He did the unthinkable...its almost worthy of a spoiler tag..

He...called Dan a good fighter...all while beating Akuma on super-easy...

This is a sham

He actually based Charlie's history from the live action movie :lol: Oh gawd......

and those were supposed to be tips? wow..... I remember writing down some great strategies for SF2 when I was a kid. This is just... err....

Ok, there's just no way he's an actual gamer. I'm pretty sure this guy was forced at gunpoint to do these. I think the tone of his voice shows that his passion for games is next to none. Either that, or the way he looks at gaming is really skewed..

@ Goldeneye, well the reveiw was uploaded on 2006. However its always easy to rip into a game.............thats 9 years old. "Noone buys games for MP", right noone cared that Halo2 was XBL compatible, all gamers cared about was the plot. Warcraft and Starcraft didnt reach the elevated status it has by being a great SP RTS experience.

@ Marvel Super Heroes, wasnt this game on the SNES? At the very least the PS1? More harsh reviews on old games.

@SotN, Disappointing? Overhyped? This Castlevania is still considered to be one of the best in the series. "You cant jump while swinging a weapon", but you can jump THEN swing your weapon. Who said anything about this game focusing on realism?

I can sum up all of his reviews with just one emote;

/facepalm

Meh, his comedy is nothing compared to James The Nintendo Nerd's.BladesOfAthena

This isn't comedy.

No comedian would take a video of assembling a virtual boy.

This isn't comedy.

No comedian would take a video of assembling a virtual boy.

SirSpudly

Yeah but his reviews are.

his reviews are.

BladesOfAthena

Nobody can argue that point. He just fails at his job.

Up until this point, I had no idea what CAG even was. Still don't care. Like the site, this guy isn't worth mentioning.jubino

cheap ass gamer. it's not related to the site where these reviews are.

Your post actually confuses me.

[QUOTE="jubino"]Up until this point, I had no idea what CAG even was. Still don't care. Like the site, this guy isn't worth mentioning.Nifty_Shark

cheap ass gamer. it's not related to the site where these reviews are.

Your post actually confuses me.

I know what the site is now, and I was just sayin that I've never heard of it before. With all the tons of different gaming website (most of which are better), I wouldn't get bent out of shape over one useless reviewer. Just go somewhere else.

[QUOTE="Nifty_Shark"]

[QUOTE="jubino"]Up until this point, I had no idea what CAG even was. Still don't care. Like the site, this guy isn't worth mentioning.jubino

cheap ass gamer. it's not related to the site where these reviews are.

Your post actually confuses me.

I know what the site is now, and I was just sayin that I've never heard of it before. With all the tons of different gaming website (most of which are better), I wouldn't get bent out of shape over one useless reviewer. Just go somewhere else.

Oh OK. I just find these reviews to be pretty funny. They are all outdated anyway. Never thought something like this would actually exist but I guess in the 90s people could pull this kind of crap.

[QUOTE="jubino"][QUOTE="Nifty_Shark"]

[QUOTE="jubino"]Up until this point, I had no idea what CAG even was. Still don't care. Like the site, this guy isn't worth mentioning.Nifty_Shark

cheap ass gamer. it's not related to the site where these reviews are.

Your post actually confuses me.

I know what the site is now, and I was just sayin that I've never heard of it before. With all the tons of different gaming website (most of which are better), I wouldn't get bent out of shape over one useless reviewer. Just go somewhere else.

Oh OK. I just find these reviews to be pretty funny. They are all outdated anyway. Never thought something like this would actually exist but I guess in the 90s people could pull this kind of crap.

Yeah, I'd just like to know if they were intended to be funny or not. I hope to God they were.

oh god.... here are some classic quotes from other reviews....

Super Mario RPG

"Who the heck is booster? Who knows?"

"the princess is a feisty gal!"

"don't mess with the princess, she doesn't like to play games. But we like to play this one"

Xenogears

"shoddy graphics"

"the dull townsfolk who like to yammer on in endless conversations"

"you can't even stop a conversation once you've started it. You're forced to sit there and listen."

"the game also suffers from way too many encounters with enemies"

"xenogears can be called a less glamorous version of the ****c final fantasy 3"

Super Metroid

"you fly to planet zebes. Things have changed since the last time you were there. The weather is different and an awkward silence stills the atmosphere, creating a sense of deadness."

"you will battle new life forms beyond your WIIIILDEST nightmares!"

"INCREDIBLE FUN!"

"you will love this game dearly. Your game heart will beat because of it"

Tomb raider 2

"we have a challenge for eidos. In tomb raider 3, create a story where lara gets breast cancer. Imagine the drama."

Pokemon

"acadamy award-winning character development" (he did NOT just say that.....)

this guy... he doesn't review games, he describes them! each review is like 2 mins long, and he spends 1:30 mins narrating the game's story and adding in little bits. then he gives the game his highly flawed appraisal based on..useless marking criteria.

and he's always talking about the cinema/FMVs, rating them more highly that the ACTUAL game.

who is this guy? i'm stunned.

Akuma = Cross between Ninja and neanderthol man?

Charlie = Blanka? He believes the moive?

Oh, and btw, the characters with the strongest legs are the best fighters.

And...extreme LOL that he names Dan as the best fighter in the game.