I found Jesus
I pick up a lot of bad games. In fact, I'm not ashamed to say it, I actively seek them out. I can't tell if I just love making fun of other people's failures, or I just hate myself so much that I have the need to remind myself what hell is going to be like when I get there. In one of my latest ventures into crap gaming I picked up The Bible Game from my local Best Buy for the now apparently over-priced sum of $5.
In case you don't know, The Bible Game is another attempt to make God "fun". Fun is in quotes since you can't hear my sarcastic tone when I say it. I am happy to report that The Bible Game is just as successful at it as all the previous incarnations of Bible-based games.
It's made by Crave Entertainment, the geniuses behind the games Bad Boys: Miami Takedown and the GBA game-version of the movie "Elf". Crave is truly a game company that strives for excellence. But only if by excellence you mean "Things that are as fun as eating fart-flavored yogurt".
Because I'm your friend, I've narrowed down the morals of the game in this article so you can get the supposedly good spiritual benefits of the game without having to actually play it.
So, in the interests of hating myself more thoroughly, I picked up this gem and took it home to play it. From the menu I selected to play a tournament, and was presented with 6 of the sorriest looking video game characters I've ever had the displeasure of seeing. There's a cowboy, a girl in pink, Steve Jobbs, a kid with a sideways hat (which I guess means he's the "cool" one), the token black girl, and a Boy Scout. Since I'm not a girl (ruling out all the females), don't own Apple (ruling out Steve), don't own any yellow hats (can't be the cool guy), and am not a fan of playing dress up (ruling out the cowboy), I chose to be the Boy Scout. If worse comes to worse I can always pull out my Boy Scout knife and shank the others. Dead men don't collect prize money.
Moral: Always be prepared.
I named my Boy Scout A**, because that's what he looked like, and proceeded into the game where I met the creepily happy Joslin. Joslin Loran (I think) is the announcer, and there really is no way to describe how incredibly sarcastic he sounds-as though his snickers and chuckles were digitally removed-in this game. Seriously, if you had said that this game was making fun of the Bible and used some clips from this Joslin guy, I'd have completely believed you. Joslin gives the impression that he just can't believe someone is playing this game.
In any case, Joslin started the game off and we got to playing. The first game was called Tower of Babel, in which you try to make polygons in a wall to make it collapse. If I'm correct, in the Bible the Tower of Babel had people on it who were hired by some other people to erect a building to heaven. That pissed God off so he made them all speak different languages and the tower fell, and you get to take part! Who knew the deaths of thousands could be so fun?
I won that game but it didn't matter, since I lost all my points at the end of the round by way of a random "Wrath of God" involving a plague that occurs about every round and reduces one player's points for that round to zero. God every once in a while pops up, and without rhyme or reason, kicks the ever-loving crap out of us mere mortals.
Moral: God hates people who go last in game shows.
In round two I fared better, rocking out the quiz games like I was there with questions like "Who gave Moses his name?" (The answer is the pharaoh's daughter, come on, I'm an atheist and I knew that), and in the Noah's Ark game. In Noah's Ark, the point of the game is to match pairs of like creatures together such as two monkeys, two bears, and so on. Luckily the game excluded the some 4000 species of beetles that exist on the earth that Noah had to deal with in the real flood.
But it was all for naught, since I was wiped out AGAIN at the end of this round by the "Wrath of God". This time God pummeled me with mini Jell-O shots that dropped my points back down to zero. In theory, at least, you can get some of those points back by having an opponent land on a "Do Unto Others" square which randomly chooses an amount of points to receive from the other player. They don't have a choice if or even how much they give to you. That's not charity, its force. If someone puts a gun to your head and demands your wallet, you haven't just donated to the poor. You've been robbed.
Moral: If you do something that looks like a good deed, even if it's by force, that still counts.
When I received some money from the other player my Boy Scout did a little dance where he waved his hands around like he was on valium and swatting flies. But once again, you guessed it, I got Wrath of God and lost all my points. God, who I guess is sponsored by FOX, since he's just a cloud with a bunch of searchlights, came down and threw a bunch of crickets at me. This brought me to the final game with no points and only one last chance to redeem myself.
The last game is the Tree of Life where you get to pull fruit off a tree (even fruit that doesn't grow on trees like grapes and bananas) for points. However, if you pull the snake down, you lose all your points. Well, I'm not going to keep you in suspense: I pulled the snake down first. A one in eight chance and I lose right off the bat. I finished the game with a grand total of no points. I think God was punishing me for naming my character A**. God hates Donkeys.
I ended up playing the game a couple more times, just so I could try out all the ludicrously stupid mini-games. For the remaining games I used the girl in pink and named her "SL**" since "PARIS HILTON" wouldn't fit in the box.
Moral: The game was five dollars for a reason.