All sequels should follow what I call "The Godfather: Part 2' Rule". This doesn't.

User Rating: 4 | BioHazard: The Darkside Chronicles WII
Hot on the shuffling, moaning, groaning heels of its predecessor, Darkside Chronicles follows much the same pattern: let the camera lead you around various locales in the Resident Evil universe whilst you attempt to pull off tricky headshots with the sole aim of making the next level slightly more bearable.

New developer Cavia promised great things; your partner would appear on screen, the action would be more frantic and yet well-paced, the plot would absolutely not trample over the previously retconned story laid out elsewhere in the series, the game would look and sound better and everyone would live happily ever after. Let me count...one out of seven? Not a good ratio. Let's take them one by one:

Firstly, yes, the supporting character does indeed appear on screen, in a sort of, slightly behind you yet somehow in the way fashion. Unsurprisingly this quickly gets annoying. Actually seeing them has about as much merit as a chocolate fireguard and serves about as much long-term use.

Second, the action, depending on your interpretation, is more frantic, but that's only because of the staggeringly bad attempt at shocks and surprises: you'll peer down a corridor with nothing there, glance over your shoulder briefly, turn around again and OHMYGODAZOMBIEAAAAARGH!!!

Needless to say, that becomes as predictable as it is infuriating, with minimal time to react and repeated playthroughs your only defense against such shameless skulduggery (you can see where I'm going with this), so in terms of better pacing, the phrase "it's a marathon, not a sprint" clearly wasn't the motto of the developing team.

The plot? Oh the plot...let me put it this way: if I could go back and change the past anytime I felt like it in the hope that I could fleece my new friends (yes I do occasionally find one or two unfortunate souls) despite the fact my old friends could and would and should and did and do contradict me about it, I'd be a happier, richer, sexier man, with biceps bigger than minor European countries and genitalia that had its own customer service number.

Visually and aurally, the game throws in a few new locations and the backstory - a generous term - for Leon and Resi 4 antagonist Jack Krauser's mission is essentially window-dressing for old scenarios. The sound is macabre and unpleasant, yet oddly for all the wrong reasons.

Darkside Chronicles is a fairy tale dream that turned out to be an ugly nightmare of a horror story, the kind of game that you'd put together with a special edition copy of a Meet The Spartans DVD and a year's subscription to the Ben Stiller and Adam Sandler fanclubs as a present for your poisonous ex.

Unsurprisingly, the only people who lived happily ever after were Capcom, having spoon-fed the poor saps who actually bought this rubbish the lie that they needed it in their lives. Spend your money on a bottle of vodka instead. Sure you'll feel awful the next day, but at least you'll know you earned it, whereas this is an enduring tragedy.