My story: feedback anyone?

I wrote a couple of short chapters as part of a sci-fi/action story. They're pretty boring, but I would appreciate any feedback on my style and technique.

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Totally Deus Exy! :P First off I actually think it's a pretty good start. It might not explode out of the blocks like some stories, but I'm definitely interested to hear what happens next. You also move the story along with dialogue very well. :)

The only thing I'm not sure about so far is that it's a tad emotionless, now that sets the tone, but does make it a bit less engaging as far as openings goes. The scene with the pollution stood out to me, as it was a bit emotive. Great scene! Like I said, given that this is just the first 2 chapters, this might work well with the rest of the story.

Looking forward to reading more!

Your attention to details is probably your best writing skill. The writing styIe is effective and to the point. Actually, I would disagree with foolz that there are too little emotion from the character, because how much emotion someone shows depends on what kind of person it is, and Nick doesn't strike me as a very emotional guy - but there are still hints of emotions, and it gets the message across.

Is there some significance to the name Lethem by the way? As in "Let them"? Is it supposed to say something about his character?

I picked the name randomly...it's the name of the writer of the foreword to The Modern Library's Classics edition of The Man Who Was Thursday, Jonothan Lethem (Lee-them). The novella is quite an inspiration for me, as well as Deus Ex.

Ah Freshie! Don't worry about the story being boring and please don't mention it. After all we're all amateurs and you can't write an awesome story on your first go or anything

Firstly, some of your paras are longer than necessary. Take the first long para in the first chapter. You could have introduced a para break after 'Plan B usually cost... wasn't his problem.' 

And 'fire hose' stick? What do you mean by that? 

Chapter 2:

'his tone increased.' 

Tone does not increase. It may change. You could rephrase it as 'he said, raising his voice slightly' or 'he said, a little louder.' or something along those lines

Also a little rough around the edges here and there, but neat overall. As waZelda said, effective and upto the point, and I liked the attention to detail. 

I may be the only one like this, but too many details seems a bit ADD to me, especially in stories. While it is important to set the ambience, there are far better ways of doing it than saying what everything in the scene looks like before the story-arch itself continues.

You could try moving the story along with the details rather than stopping to state them, to let the story flow a lot better, like for instance in the first chapter you wrote:

"The white downtown streetlights created a line of specks which rolled along the curved, glossy surface of the car as it cruised under them, along with reflections of signs from shops, restaurants and other commercial establishments. The streets were busy with people on weeknight outings, dodging each other as they went down the sidewalk – groups, smiling couples and the occasional person walking by themselves. Nick pushed the indicator button, and turned right into a lane. It was unlit, except for one or two security lights. He drove a short distance down the lane, pulled over, turned off the car, took off his jacket containing the equipment and put it under the seat. He took a half-empty soft drink bottle out of the glove compartment, took the key out of the ignition, and exited the car into the cool night air."

You could write it like this:

As he cruised under the glow of the white streetlamps, Nick pushed an indicator button which turned him right, away from the weeknight-busy streets, and into a dimly-lit side-lane. Though fairly dark, there were one or two security lights, which he used to navigate the rest of the short distance to his destination (a rather old building to his right, which held a thinly-built woman in it's doorway.) and he stopped the car. Upon removing his jacket and placing it under the seat as he took a half-empty soft-drink bottle out of the glove compartment, Nick removed the key from the ignition, and exited the car into the cool, night air.

So while the above example isn't so great because it's not my story and I don't know how the logic of this particular scene is working (like, is he in a hurry? Scared? is the building old or new? etc) it does illustrate how you can add an immense ammount of detail in the smallest possible space. I guess I just like to give the readers credit for having imaginations that can see what the above example alludes to. Anyhow, just an idea, look forward to reading more! :)