Into The Coming Storm (Part Five is now up!)

I've been writing this for my little brother, and posted it on fanfiction.net. It has actually gotten some possitive feedback, so I figured I would post a link to it here.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8607852/1/Into-The-Coming-Storm

I read part one and grammar asside it was a fun read. I haven't played Force Unleashed or watched all the movies, so my knowledge of the universe it takes place in is a bit limited. At least that means I won't be annoyed if there are any inconsistencies with what's cannon.

I'm trying to read part 2, but the first person narrative is really bothering me. I know it's not objectively wrong, but I just can't stand it. I don't know if I'll continue reading the series. 

Hey, thank you! I appreciate that very much. Grammar is one of my many weaknesses.

You mean the third person narrative? I don't think I used first person anywhere in this story. . . Or were you referring to the present tense narrative?

Thanks for reading the opening. I appreciate it very much. 

Oops.

Yeah, I meant the present tense. I don't know why it bothers me som much. Perhaps it just brakes the suspension of disbelief because it can't possibly be happening right when I'm reading it since it is already written down. To me, present tense only make sense in dialogue (since when it happened it was the present to them).

Anyway, I read part 2.

"No way would my brother's would betray the Jedi!" 

I'm trying not to be too picky, but this sentence is really bad. Not just because there is a would too much, but also because it should be "brothers", not "brother's". The way it is written it would mean either "brother is" or refer to something belonging to the brother.

I think the drug den scene is fine, no need for M rating. Over all a good chapter. By the way, is clincally removing something from the neck a common thing? It strikes me as something that one would make a big deal about. 

Oops.

Yeah, I meant the present tense. I don't know why it bothers me som much. Perhaps it just brakes the suspension of disbelief because it can't possibly be happening right when I'm reading it since it is already written down. To me, present tense only make sense in dialogue (since when it happened it was the present to them).

Anyway, I read part 2.

"No way would my brother's would betray the Jedi!" 

I'm trying not to be too picky, but this sentence is really bad. Not just because there is a would too much, but also because it should be "brothers", not "brother's". The way it is written it would mean either "brother is" or refer to something belonging to the brother.

I think the drug den scene is fine, no need for M rating. Over all a good chapter. By the way, is clincally removing something from the neck a common thing? It strikes me as something that one would make a big deal about. 

waZelda

What happened was: I started to type "No way would my brothers betray the Jedi!", but then I changed my mind mid-sentence, and started typing, "No way my brothers would betray the Jedi!". I just forget to backspace the first "would", and yes, I do know the difference between "brother's", and "brothers". I just missed typed, and didn't catch it before I uploaded it.

lol! I caught that typo a long time ago. I just keep forgetting to upload the edited version of the chapter when I post the latest chapter. Since I have followers, I feel like I shouldn't edit unnecessarily, so they don't get upset, thinking that there's a new chapter to read, when all I did was edit one sentence in chapter two. Know what I mean? lol

I could have made a bigger deal out of it, I suppose, but I wanted to get the story moving, and I figured it is the future, after all. Medicine would have made serious advancements.

Thanks for reading. Thank you very much! 

lol! I caught that typo a long time ago. I just keep forgetting to upload the edited version of the chapter when I post the latest chapter. Since I have followers, I feel like I shouldn't edit unnecessarily, so they don't get upset, thinking that there's a new chapter to read, when all I did was edit one sentence in chapter two. Know what I mean? lol

mojoboy31

I see your point. You could do it and write an edit note at the top to let people know that the only difference is a typo fix. 

[QUOTE="mojoboy31"]

lol! I caught that typo a long time ago. I just keep forgetting to upload the edited version of the chapter when I post the latest chapter. Since I have followers, I feel like I shouldn't edit unnecessarily, so they don't get upset, thinking that there's a new chapter to read, when all I did was edit one sentence in chapter two. Know what I mean? lol

waZelda

I see your point. You could do it and write an edit note at the top to let people know that the only difference is a typo fix. 

Part Seven is up!