Dont mention it, Sivia said. I mean literally, dont mention it.
Oh, and LOL at that line.
A River of Godsblood (Now also on the new board, P4.5 C8 is up)
Two more chapters up in part 3.3
Also, the main building (the nursery?) wasn't very properly described. I couldn't figure out if it was a tent or open-ceiling building or what.
iloveflash
I thought the word building implied solid materials and a roof, so I didn't think further clarification was necessary.
[quote="wazelda"]
Generals dont have the hardest tasks, Fiola said.
iloveflash
And now I see why it is possible for Sivia to become a general in this story. In real-life generals are...well, smart. Experienced. On top of having the morale thing down. In this story they just need battle strength and morale. I'm all for battle strength, though, so I'll stop complaining. But perhaps you could incorporate "better intelligence" into the list of godsblood powers to add plausibility to this idea?
You might not want to take everything Fiola says as a fact about the world. You know how the people who only know a little bit about something often seem more certain than people who knows a lot about the same?
Also! I'm pretty sure Rose was the one flirting with Spear and acting skanky, not Linda. You should double-check that in part 2.2. (I'm not checking because I want to test whether I'm remembering things correctly)
iloveflash
Damn you for making me double check when you're wrong.
I'm wondering if you can keep them in their native language, and how it might look/read.Sharpie125
Oh hell yes. This is a brilliant idea. Here's a fact about American's waZ: we love exotic stuff. It's like catnip for us.
So what's dem names in Norwegian!?
It's true. It's even better since it takes little effort to make them sound more fantasy-ish. Had to read some stuff in Medieval Lit last year, stuff like Njal's Saga, and it's got some fantastic tough sounding Viking names. Hrutr... Hoskulr... Fiddle Mord... Thorgerda... lol it's great.
EDIT - Forgot to post comments here.
I read chapter 10/11 before I hit bed last night. The conversation/reflection about actions in war affecting their people at home gave me chills. That's such a great topic to dig into because there are times where I've thought about that, watching a movie or playing a game or something, then I get really bummed out. I think you can get more mileage out of it (either 79 should say some words to that, or maybe the idea comes back again). Also, when Sivia gives her report to 79, I think it's a good opportunity to have a little more going on (eg, we don't need Sivia to carefully explain what she just did in the paragraphs above). She can give really brusque answers, then when she "breaks down" and blurts out everything, it'll make her seem like she's more affected by the whole thing. As it stands, she's kind of robotic until the thought crosses her mind, and then she feels real bad.
Chapter 11 is a damn interesting dilemma. Knowing Fiola, she's gonna cock it up somehow and there's little reason to keep the commander alive (especially when he can verbally command his people). Kill kill kill.
Stopped at chapter 8, but never posted my impressions. I'll get to 11. Out of curiosity, what are the Norwegian (or what is the language, I am ignorant) words for some of your characters' names? People like Spear, Knife, Rose, Pearl? I'm wondering if you can keep them in their native language, and how it might look/read.Sharpie125
Let me see:
Sivia and Fiola are the Norwegian names (Siv meaning heather, Fiol meaning Violet). I couldn't make myself change those. Rose is also the same because the Norwegian word for rose is spelled the same.
Spear - Spyd
Knife - Kniv
River - Elv
Rock - Klippe (litterally translates to Cliff, I just thought that name fit his character badly)
Fox - Rev
Care - Urte (translates to herb - not a good female name)
Erla - Erle
Pearl - Perle
Phedina - Svale (translates to swallow, but I didn't want to encourage those jokes)
Oak - Eik
Spring - Vaar (I write aa because GS won't let me use the actual letter)
In other news, chapter 12.1 of part 3.3 is now updated.
QUESTION:
You might want to read the chapter before reading this question. I have finished all the six timelines springing out of part 3.3 and while I had thought to translate them in the same order I wrote them, I'm realizing that it isn't strictly necessary, so I want to hear your oponion. Which timelines do you want first, bearing in mind:
4.5 is the story of Sivia and the army marching towards Arderian. With a word count of 57k it is waaaaay longer than I intended (I wanted each part of each timeline to be roughly 10k words at average). This is the one I had thought to translate before I considered that you might want the shorter ones first. Parts 5.9 and 5.10 are at average 2k words long
4.6 is the story of Sivia helping 79 with his personal vendetta. Word count 10k. Parts 5.11 and 5.12 are at average 9k.
4.7 is Sivia and Fiola's story. Word count 5k. Parts 13 and 14 are at average 3k.
March on Arderian sounds good to me, personally. I'm a sucker for large scale engagements if that's what you've got in mind. I really want to see how they're gonna crack the fortress especially since I haven't heard of any siege weapons the Esters might have in their possession.
I'm not sure I liked having 79 pop out at the end to save the day (and Sivia still getting the credit). Shadowy instructor types tend to irritate me, only from a military standpoint. If the general has full knowledge of 79 traipsing around the woods (and sends people to get trained) I'd think 79's expertise would be put to better use amongst the main army or AT LEAST used for assassinations and special assignments. Just seems like a high value asset that's being wasted by the Esthers imo.
Anyway, that was a nice bout of action. Definitely raises intrigue about why someone might want to kill Fox/how Sivia is gonna deal with him and Fiola in the coming days. If I could make a suggestion, I was getting a little confused about the setup/formation of the armies. Where was Sivia in relation to the commander, which direction were the Ard soldiers running and how did Sivia not get surrounded (I thought she was behind enemy lines and attacking the army at their flank... seemed to me she was the first one in, swords out, so I find it kind of miraculous she didn't get cut off from the rest of the Esthers). Only when you mentioned Fox did I realize that the rest of the Esther army had caught up to Sivia, who was doing a pretty good job by herself.
Wow, that was either really fast or she was extremely far away from her hometown. You would expect a bunch of bandits attacking a village to be pretty damn noisy, with people running all over the place and screaming, and they'd take hours to finish the job.
Also, the girl had red eyes which anyone can see and apparently people are scared of her, but they would let their kids play with her?
Anyway, fight, fight, fight! (Picked C3.1)
How come Spring didn't see the link between the burnt out village and the slave kids? News travels fast and a caravan with a terrified girl in it coming from an area with a giant smoke column where a town used to be would give him some very easy dots to connect.
If only they could realize that this is the happiest days of their lives.
These are.
Even his daughter who had given birth to the child would look at the girl as if she came from another world.
Bit of a wordy and roundabout way to say this. I suggest "even his daughter, the child's mother would...".
Grandpa, tell me something else, the girl begged with large, heart-melting eyes.
I assume that by "large" you mean her eyes are wide-open, like a child who's very curious about something? I think the proper expression is widened, although that may sound a bit odd in this sentence.
The flames were slowly digesting the entire village
Usually people will write consuming.
The girl was too shaken up and afraid to register the stressful expressions of the men without beards or how the beardless looked at them with judging eyes.
I'm confused, the men without beards are stressed but judgmental of the other bunch?
You and several other children had been put in crates and was brought East in a carriage
Were.
Now Spring had to accept that his friend belonged to the past and he would never see him again.
Forgot to take out the closing dialogue apostrophes at the end there.
First of all: I'm having my usual offline holiday soon, so after this update I will be missing three or four. I will make sure to have chapters ready from each of the three potential timelines, so if anyone want to catch up and voice there oponion, go ahead. See my previous comment for details on the three options.
Secondly: Chapter 12.2 is up, marking the ending of part 3.3.
Thirdly: Nice to see you barbariser, I'll get to your comment eventually.
I'm not sure I liked having 79 pop out at the end to save the day (and Sivia still getting the credit). Shadowy instructor types tend to irritate me, only from a military standpoint. If the general has full knowledge of 79 traipsing around the woods (and sends people to get trained) I'd think 79's expertise would be put to better use amongst the main army or AT LEAST used for assassinations and special assignments. Just seems like a high value asset that's being wasted by the Esthers imo.
Sharpie125
Well, he does have some missions, in fact he pops up in a different timeline. It would be nice for the army to have him in a more active role, but as it is stated, it would lead to hostility from people who recognize him.
Definitely raises intrigue about why someone might want to kill Fox
Sharpie125
I thought I made it clear they are friends of Knife, who Fox killed to save Sivia.
Where was Sivia in relation to the commander, which direction were the Ard soldiers running and how did Sivia not get surrounded (I thought she was behind enemy lines and attacking the army at their flank... seemed to me she was the first one in, swords out, so I find it kind of miraculous she didn't get cut off from the rest of the Esthers). Only when you mentioned Fox did I realize that the rest of the Esther army had caught up to Sivia, who was doing a pretty good job by herself.
Sharpie125
Sivia attacked from one side of the road (south) and the rest of the army from the other. So there was some space between them and Sivia basically acted as a one woman army. The reason the rest of the army wasn't mentioned is because Sivia was really focused on her own fighting. The soldiers that tried to run of (one succeeding) pressed forwards on the road (that is to the East) and then he took off into the forest heading Southeast.
Alright, it's the weekend, time to read the crap out of everything.
And by everything I mean stories. Not literally everything.
Although technically it is impossible not to read everything that you see. Unless it is in another language, or you don't see it. But then you wouldn't be "reading" per say--I NEED TO STOP WRITING AND START READING SOMEONE HALP.
[QUOTE="Sharpie125"]
Definitely raises intrigue about why someone might want to kill Fox
waZelda
I thought I made it clear they are friends of Knife, who Fox killed to save Sivia.
Oops! My mistake. I guess when the issue was brought up, and one of the captains said it "it was linked to Sivia" I thought maybe there was another reason, but Knife slipped my mind. Was it explained why Knife tried to kill her, other than (I assumed) jealousy and/or misogyny?
Goal for next training: Punch Fox in the face.
This is acceptable. Begin training, Sivia.
Imo, the problem with reading the story at this stage is that the choices that I would normally make (in this case, Spring taking her back to his village) aren't yet available. So I guess I'll read every single available path that you've put up cuz I am rather hungry for more.
3.2:
She was too tired to notice a particularly large rock on the road, so she hit it with her foot and fell over.
Easier to just say "tripped over it".
Water screamed and his survival instinct gave him new strength. He rolled around and managed to swing his own torch such that the burning edge connected with the bandits cheek.
"Fire", which reminds me, how did he strike this guy with what amounts to a burning stick without setting his head ablaze?
2.2:
Wouldn't a simple solution to the problem of the Ards attacking for food be to offer to give them food in exchange for leaving the villages alone? Or wouldn't the army simply send scouts ahead to ask for food and threaten an attack later?
After all, even a powerful army would find it wasteful and tedious to raid every town on the way for basic supplies, especially since they would also deprive themselves of any more food sources when they have to go back the same way. Although I suppose it could be a simple matter of "the villagers told the Ards to piss off" thus necessitating a raid...
Wow, the whole river to boob contact thing was rather awkward to read. I can tell you enjoyed writing this part very much. I'm thinking that there are some pretty good odds that those two will have something going on a few chapters down the line.
It seems like Fiola and Sivia have a lot in common, they are both social outcasts from the village who have lost their guardians. Was probably a major factor in them developing a "friendship". Otherwise I find it difficult to see Fiola bothering to protect someone like Sivia who is very squishy and weak (both physically and mentally) for a medieval-type woman. She hardly seems to give a fvck about the (probably) hundreds of people in the village that just died.
between the boys that prepared for the coming attack just a couple of hours away
The attack hasn't happened yet, so "were preparing".
She started running after them, but then the teacher whirled around, going for a backhanded slap with her left hand. Sivia reacted in time and jumped back. The teacher gave her a
It would be less confusing if the paragraph started with "Sivia" then the next sentence "She reacted....".
the thought of what horrible people the Ards had to be
She.
She cried, but managed to do so without making too much sound.
Noise.
she could not hear Sivia walking over to the man
Wouldn't that be Fiola in this case?
I guess that is the sort of thing the men learns
Learn.
You guys and your exams. I am taking an exam called LIFE. You guys should GET ONE. UNGH.
*sigh* I wish I had exams...
Wouldn't a simple solution to the problem of the Ards attacking for food be to offer to give them food in exchange for leaving the villages alone? Or wouldn't the army simply send scouts ahead to ask for food and threaten an attack later?After all, even a powerful army would find it wasteful and tedious to raid every town on the way for basic supplies, especially since they would also deprive themselves of any more food sources when they have to go back the same way. Although I suppose it could be a simple matter of "the villagers told the Ards to piss off" thus necessitating a raid...
Barbariser
Reminds me of the Mongols. They did ask (as nice as they could) and got food... of course, then came back later and razed the village cause there was nothing left to give.
How were your exams, Barb?
Well, we'll see how they were when I get the results back in August. Actually doing the papers wasn't as tough or painful as I expected (except one from Further Mathematics and one from Economics) but being Asian, I'm naturally worried about the grade. :/
I hadn't read the rest of the village scene when I made that comment so I thought the way he wrote it was that the Ards were raiding villages straight away instead of the villagers simply planning ahead of time to deny them when they asked. I don't know about the Mongol thing, it doesn't seem to make any strategic sense for Mongols to come into a town with no supplies and then raze it, unless they were trying to deny its farms or other resources to their enemies.
Anway, next read:
Well, looks like Sivia does have some strength and independence in her.
If multiple different forces use godsblood and yet it seems to be pretty rare and not commonly used prior to these events, then it can be inferred that there are many sources of godsblood and they only appeared recently. Is everyone aware of the mental effects of godsblood or is that just something that Pure Knights alone know of? Because handing that stuff out to random intensive care patients seems like a good way to make them nuts.
The discussion between the military guys seemed to have a smattering of insane troll logic to me. Soldiers aren't necessarily loyal to a leader because he's the most badass but because he's proven that he's the best at keeping them alive and winning battles. What's the point of being able to punch some other dude's dick to pieces if you get stabbed by ten of his pals because you got all of your own men killed?
Wow, even when Sivia is stomping Fiola flat in every aspect she's trying to be more considerate than Fiola would under the same circumstances. To be fair, people don't usually say "hahaha you suck even for a normal dude while I'm like a magically enhanced demigod" to their friends.
It seems that you attempted to create some tension in the last part but honestly, it was apparent from a mile off that Fiola wouldn't make it.
Suddenly Fiola stopped and got down.
Got down from what? Or did you mean "crouch" or "duck"?
hunting team of a dozen men with bows and spears slayed it.
Slew.
She did not like that there were predator Fiola did not know.
Predators.
Her eyes had scared many travelling merchants to leave the village and even the villager looked at her discerningly.
"Scared... to leave" sounds very awkward, simpler and more natural to say "scared away.... from". I'm not sure discerningly is the right term, since trying to discern something means that you are analyzing or observing it for more detail, which isn't necessarily a hostile or negative thing. Try "warily" instead?
In case we dont make it through this, I want you to know that youre the best friend I could ever wish for, she said.
Awww.
Once again she tried to play stronger
Seem.
She could not determine whether she looked forwards to or dreaded
Foward.
them to the bed and hang them on hooks in the ceiling
Hung.
So we are there, she said.
Here.
From time to time she looked at Sivia eyes and quickly looked away
Sivia's.
They thought with wooden swords and were observed by two men who sat by a nearby table.
That's an extremely unusual way to think.
I hadn't read the rest of the village scene when I made that comment so I thought the way he wrote it was that the Ards were raiding villages straight away instead of the villagers simply planning ahead of time to deny them when they asked. I don't know about the Mongol thing, it doesn't seem to make any strategic sense for Mongols to come into a town with no supplies and then raze it, unless they were trying to deny its farms or other resources to their enemies.Barbariser
The main reason was that Mongols are kind of dicks. Well, according to at least one source. They killed a loooottt of people, usually over pettier things than scorched earth strategy. Considering some of the massacres they committed against the Northern Chinese and Persians, I'm surprised when I hear Genghis Khan attempting any sort of diplomacy given his reputation.
And you have to write a paper on math?
[quote="Barbariser"]I hadn't read the rest of the village scene when I made that comment so I thought the way he wrote it was that the Ards were raiding villages straight away instead of the villagers simply planning ahead of time to deny them when they asked. I don't know about the Mongol thing, it doesn't seem to make any strategic sense for Mongols to come into a town with no supplies and then raze it, unless they were trying to deny its farms or other resources to their enemies.Sharpie125
The main reason was that Mongols are kind of dicks. Well, according to at least one source. They killed a loooottt of people, usually over pettier things than scorched earth strategy. Considering some of the massacres they committed against the Northern Chinese and Persians, I'm surprised when I hear Genghis Khan attempting any sort of diplomacy given his reputation.
And you have to write a paper on math?
Well, the Mongols also built the biggest land empire in the history of everything ever, so they had to be able to keep it together which means being able to negotiate. Being extremely savage may make a barbarian horde seem scarier, but holding half of the Eurasian continent demands brains and the ability to make other people fall in line.
I didn't have to write any essays or reports, if that's what you mean. What it is is a three hour long set of extremely hard questions that you have to provide full solutions for. Although I wouldn't be surprised if it ended up taking up as much effort as an essay just by the sheer quantity of alphanumeric symbols you have to write to solve them.
The discussion between the military guys seemed to have a smattering of insane troll logic to me. Soldiers aren't necessarily loyal to a leader because he's the most badass but because he's proven that he's the best at keeping them alive and winning battles. What's the point of being able to punch some other dude's dick to pieces if you get stabbed by ten of his pals because you got all of your own men killed? Barbariser
WAZELDA YOU LISTENING.
That may just be Fiola talking, but generals have many more tasks than maintaining the confidence of their army. Planning, organizing, timing, reacting to changes in the battle.... all things that being badass will not help much if at all. They also will have a whole bunch of advisors and assistants to help them do that.
What's odd is that based on the other stuff you wrote in the story, you already know that armies need food to survive. And who decides how to get food for his army? Ultimately, the general. Yet Sivia doesn't seem to understand this aspect of war, so how could she lead and command?
I like the way the sergeant pointed out that the army is a team effort. This is the same attitude that modern training sergeants impart onto their men. Did you figure it out yourself or did you find this out from somewhere else?
Well, this one was a pretty successful surprise. Was definitely not expecting Fox to be her rescuer. Was also tensed up as to whether she would stab or sheathe the sword, but I suppose that that was due to Poison's (can we call Fiola that now?) influence being stronger than everyone else's.
You will be sharing ___ room with Erla, Rose, Linda, Pearl and Phedina.
The/this.
She could tell that Rose was curious by nature and Sivia would rather not awaken her curiosity.
I think the proper word is "encourage".
Rose said_ insulted.
Put a comma there.
the time the dining bell rand
Rang.
It was apparent that she gave her a warning, but not more than that
Can godsblood cause changes in gender?
She probably dont think Im a good runner,
Doesn't.
What about armors?
Always say armor (if you use British, armour) for both plural and singular.
Do you remember the face of at least one _____ Ard warriors who attacked our village,
Of the.
Unlike the recruits_ they had to attend
Comma.
Did anyone think of making better weapons for these guys? In real medieval armies, most men fought with spears or polearms like this or this. They are easier to use than a sword, even if heavier, and they have a longer reach, create bigger wounds and can penetrate metal plates while a sword would break if you tried.
Those weapons, thrust at full strength, were capable of skewering or ripping up knights in their armour - now imagine how deadly a soldier with one of those things would be when pumped up on godsblood.
My vote goes to 4.6, I want to see more of this guy.
So far they have seen a woman who punch other soldiers and disrespect the deceased.
Punches.
Sivia was afraid that if they did not make up soon, she would change groups
Groups.
Knife leaned in. Just wanted to let you know that Knife had a couple of friends you ought to be
That's shocking, he's back from the dead and talking about himself in third person.
I hope to get two rounds shot before we engage them in close combat
Bows do not use "rounds" and since there are a lot of archers, the term for massed projectile attacks is "volley". Also I'm not sure if archers "shoot" arrows, since I think that that was a term invented for guns. "Get two volleys off" is safer.
Sivia was somehow relieves that Fiola saw it that way
Relieved.
since no one else were on horseback
Was.
Sivia cut her knife across the throat of the closest one,
Probably would be less awkward if you just said "slash".
I have a plan to make up for your sins and I plan to put it into action as soon as possible.
He's talking about his own kills, so "my".
I had to kill a couple scouts tonight
I thought that was the previous night.
Nurse Fiola, you ignored a direct order when you kill the Commander
Killed.
That may just be Fiola talking, but generals have many more tasks than maintaining the confidence of their army. Planning, organizing, timing, reacting to changes in the battle.... all things that being badass will not help much if at all. They also will have a whole bunch of advisors and assistants to help them do that.Barbariser
It is just Fiola talking, or so I was informed.
[QUOTE="Barbariser"]That may just be Fiola talking, but generals have many more tasks than maintaining the confidence of their army. Planning, organizing, timing, reacting to changes in the battle.... all things that being badass will not help much if at all. They also will have a whole bunch of advisors and assistants to help them do that.iloveflash
It is just Fiola talking, or so I was informed.
Ahh, yes I see the comment from Waz up there about it.
Read chapter 3 of part 3.3.
Fiola, music, ball.
I've been feeling this way for a while now about Fiola, but only this chapter for some reason made me decide to put it into words. Fiola is singlehandedly making this story interesting. She's an atypical antagonist in that she doesn't outright oppose the main character, yet the way she does antagonize Sivia--by posing as her friend and giving her evil advice--she's turning out to be one of the best antagonists I've ever seen, definitely the best out of all your stories I've read. I'm kind of inspired, actually, to go that route with an antagonist in one of my own stories. So yeah, I would say Fiola is the biggest accomplishment of this story.
Two small misdemeanors in this chapter:
It's mentioned by Sivia that the music would probably be distracting to the others in the room if she tried to play it, and that Rose distracted her while she was working on the ceramic pot. So...wouldn't it be smarter to allow people to take the equipment out of the chapel so they can work in solitude elsewhere? Or perhaps provide separate rooms for each practice?
Also, when Fiola comes to ask Sivia to run with her, Sivia turns the pot "into a ball again and tosses it into the pile." Just wanted to point out that that's the first instance she turns the pot into a ball at all.
I know the errors barbariser points out are less work to fix than they look like, but I still think I'm going to save it for later.
Since no one voted, but one person requested part 4.5, then 4.5 it is. The two first chapters can be found here.
I really thought someone would vote for the short ones since it will take me at least half a year to post 4.5.
I've been feeling this way for a while now about Fiola, but only this chapter for some reason made me decide to put it into words. Fiola is singlehandedly making this story interesting. She's an atypical antagonist in that she doesn't outright oppose the main character, yet the way she does antagonize Sivia--by posing as her friend and giving her evil advice--she's turning out to be one of the best antagonists I've ever seen, definitely the best out of all your stories I've read. I'm kind of inspired, actually, to go that route with an antagonist in one of my own stories. So yeah, I would say Fiola is the biggest accomplishment of this story.
iloveflash
This makes me really wish I had a talent for second drafts, because I'm not sure I made the most of Fiola. I think I'm more likely to insert someone similar into a different story than I am to change her significance in a second draft though.
It's mentioned by Sivia that the music would probably be distracting to the others in the room if she tried to play it, and that Rose distracted her while she was working on the ceramic pot. So...wouldn't it be smarter to allow people to take the equipment out of the chapel so they can work in solitude elsewhere? Or perhaps provide separate rooms for each practice?
iloveflash
Here is my line of thinking: A) You know how the movie industry suffers because publishers don't know a clue about movies and just support whatever movie has brand recognition, even if it is something dumb like Battleship? I figured the decisions when making the room were made by the general and his advisors who did not care enough to put a lot of consideration into it. They did however want it to be clearly separated from the training area, so soldiers would not be distracted by girls dancing, painting or playing music.
There was no point in the story where it made sense for anyone to address this, though, so it wasn't.
Finished chapters 4 and 5 of part 3.3. All these drunk female characters and no groping or nudity. Applause. These girls have some integrity.
Except for Linda and Phedina, evidently.
She was to train hard and then go into battle.
WaZ
That is in chapter 6, which I'm halfway into right now. I find it odd that out of all Sivia's concerns at that moment, she isn't worried about the possibility of taking the life of another human being, or vice-versa, during the upcoming battle. I think that should be a more immediate concern than whether or not she should spread her legs to Fox.
In fact it's a bit odd that after stabbing Knife's dead body she completely stopped thinking about killing. Not to say that there's a need for whole paragraphs on the subject, but a mention or two wouldn't hurt, just so we know where she is at mentally. Like when she sipped the wine, a thought like this could have crossed her mind: "this should take my mind off Knife and the upcoming battle."
Just nitpicking.
[spoiler] Edit: Oh yeah, and that was a great twist in chapter 4, with Fox saving her from Knife. [/spoiler]
So I read 6 and 7 now. That should tell you how much more interesting the story has become now that Sivia is not whining all the time.
79 seems like a cool character, but there's a certain lack of identification about him that I can't quite put my finger on. I feel this way about numerous characters of yours, such as the police captain from Super Police (whose name, gasp, currently eludes me). But 79 is reeeally dry, even by those other characters' standards. This is despite hearing his backstory and everything. I think it's something about his mannerisms that makes him seem overly impersonal, or maybe the dialogue itself is what's drying him up.
I concur with Barb's question about the general fearing Sivia but not 79. A simple solution would be to suggest that they are friends, but I'll hold off on making suggestions until I know 79's whole story, since there is a possibility the general might not fear him based on something not yet revealed in chapters 6 and 7.
In b4 his name is 79 because 79 significant dead bodies.
Read Chapter 8.
Okay, that was some very clever leaning on the fourth wall right there. 79 pretty much brought up the entire premise of this story, which is that Sivia does not know how to make choices for herself so readers must choose from multiple storylines as a result, since she is just as likely to make one decision or another. As I was reading I wondered if, perhaps, the end of this story arc or one of the others (or maybe all of them) will be about her owning up to her own choice for once. Maybe even all storylines ending in one way: Sivia taking control. This would be poetic for so many reasons!
Another thing I'm envisioning is a more mature Sivia who has mastered war, since there are a lot of indications she is heading in that direction. I'd definitely love to see that version of Sivia and read about what choices she would make. Then again, that Sivia seems like she should be saved till the end of the story or epilogue, and the story leading up to her appearance (aka the entire story) should be about how Easily-Influenced Sivia becomes Influencing Sivia. Don't ask me why, I'm rambling. Maybe I think that because the mature Sivia seems like she would be just as boring to read about as Whiny Sivia. This is a sweet spot right here, where Sivia is in transition. That's what I want to read right now.
Good chapter overall. I still say 79 is a flat character, but I get the feeling he will be one of those characters who is later referenced and thought of constantly because he had such a large influence on the main character in this one chapter. That's actually a massive achievement now that I think of it. One chapter, and he sealed his place in the story.
Also, the endings for these latest chaps somehow get me itching to read the next one, and the openings get me itching to read to the end. Part 3.3 has had a very smooth, engaging flow to it so far.
AND ALSO, it worth noting that this chapter felt particularly different while I was reading it, and it's only now that I look back that I realize why: Fiola is absent for the first time in the story arc in this chapter. Sivia commented on how strange that felt near the beginning, but I wish we'd have heard more on that throughout or near the end of the chapter. The overall feeling was a sense of freedom, since Fiola is the antagonist and has such a hugely negative influence on Sivia. Her absence just clears the air, so to speak.
On chapter 9:
Hey, Sivia, Fiola called after her. If you see Fox, remember to congratulate him on his new girlfriend.
WaZ
I'm confused. When Fiola said this I thought she was being rude by implying Sivia had become Fox's girlfriend. In context that's pretty much what she did do. However Sivia somehow doesn't get the implication and instead guesses Fox has an actual new girlfriend? (And of course it turns out he does.)
Yeah, the context of that line forces the implication, so I suggest rewording it a bit so it's clear Fiola is not referring to Sivia but Fox's actual new girlfriend.
Also, geez. I don't want to read about Fox and Sivia. That ship has sailed. That guy is a loser. Come on Sivia, get it together. Has she forgotten about his previous bullying already or what?
Knife leaned in. Just wanted to let you know that Knife had a couple of friends you ought to be aware of, he said.
WaZ
Should be "Fox leaned in."
I guess it's a good thing 79 mentioned that Sivia shouldn't be getting horny on the battlefield, but I'm a bit disappointed that she's blushing over, presumably, Fox. At least he is maintaining his arrogance, though I have to wonder why, if he wants Sivia's pootie tang so badly, he doesn't just lie like any good playa playa would. Perhaps he has no game and is in reality a scrub. I dunno, this stuff cray,
Translation question: Is there a good translation for the Norwegian word "knuge". It is a synonym to holding onto something, but it also indicates that you are holding it really hard because you are nervous or scared. For instance if a child is scared you might say that he/she "knuget" his/her mother's hand. Or (more relavant to this story). If you are afraid of being spotted, you might "knuge" the knife as you are moving forward.
Grammar question: When do you use forward and when do you use forwards?
Time to get to reading comments. I really shouldn't have put this off for so long.
Imo, the problem with reading the story at this stage is that the choices that I would normally make (in this case, Spring taking her back to his village) aren't yet available. So I guess I'll read every single available path that you've put up cuz I am rather hungry for more.
Barbariser
I know. I just felt like waiting until I have written and translated it all would mean posting nothing on the board for way too long. Now that I have 2k word chapters every week I think I can post pretty consistently until all the timelines are done.
[QUOTE=""]She was too tired to notice a particularly large rock on the road, so she hit it with her foot and fell over. Barbariser
Easier to just say "tripped over it".
Fixed. Lately I've set a goal to make my sentences less wordy. The word count of what I have translated from 4.5 so far is 12 percent less than in the untranslated version, so I'm making progress.
[QUOTE=""]Water screamed and his survival instinct gave him new strength. He rolled around and managed to swing his own torch such that the burning edge connected with the bandits cheek. Barbariser
"Fire", which reminds me, how did he strike this guy with what amounts to a burning stick without setting his head ablaze?
I figured it happened too fast - like when you move your finger through a candlelight without getting burned. Couldn't really test it myself though, so I don't know if I'm right about that.
Wouldn't a simple solution to the problem of the Ards attacking for food be to offer to give them food in exchange for leaving the villages alone? Or wouldn't the army simply send scouts ahead to ask for food and threaten an attack later?
Barbariser
If they asked for food, they would probably get a pretty small portion. My logic here is that by stealing most or all the food from some small villages they don't have to bother with larger villages that might actually stand a chance against them.
I think I should make a policy of not commenting on predictions and instead see what you think when you have read it all, so skipping some comments here.
She hardly seems to give a fvck about the (probably) hundreds of people in the village that just died.
Barbariser
I'm thinking hundred. You will quickly find that the population of all towns and cities are way smaller than you would expect in the real world, even back in the day.
[QUOTE=""]between the boys that prepared for the coming attack just a couple of hours away Barbariser
The attack hasn't happened yet, so "were preparing".
She started running after them, but then the teacher whirled around, going for a backhanded slap with her left hand. Sivia reacted in time and jumped back. The teacher gave her a
It would be less confusing if the paragraph started with "Sivia" then the next sentence "She reacted....".
the thought of what horrible people the Ards had to be
She.
She cried, but managed to do so without making too much sound.
Noise.
she could not hear Sivia walking over to the man
Wouldn't that be Fiola in this case?
I guess that is the sort of thing the men learns
Learn.
Fixed.
If multiple different forces use godsblood and yet it seems to be pretty rare and not commonly used prior to these events, then it can be inferred that there are many sources of godsblood and they only appeared recently. Is everyone aware of the mental effects of godsblood or is that just something that Pure Knights alone know of? Because handing that stuff out to random intensive care patients seems like a good way to make them nuts.
Barbariser
They are aware, but the Pure Knights are exaggerating the effects and others like to pretend it isn't as bad as it is. A small dosage it is usually fine.
The discussion between the military guys seemed to have a smattering of insane troll logic to me. Soldiers aren't necessarily loyal to a leader because he's the most badass but because he's proven that he's the best at keeping them alive and winning battles. What's the point of being able to punch some other dude's dick to pieces if you get stabbed by ten of his pals because you got all of your own men killed?
Barbariser
Yeah, but if something is ambitious and powerful enough they may grow psychopathic tendencies. If so, then even though they would make lousy Generals they still might aim for it. I might have to re-write it to make that more obvious.
It seems that you attempted to create some tension in the last part but honestly, it was apparent from a mile off that Fiola wouldn't make it.
Barbariser
I did not really mean to create tension, but rather establish characters.
Beep-boop. Searching for errors. Errors found. Reporting Errors. Beep-boop.
Barbariser
Fixed.
That may just be Fiola talking, but generals have many more tasks than maintaining the confidence of their army. Planning, organizing, timing, reacting to changes in the battle.... all things that being badass will not help much if at all. They also will have a whole bunch of advisors and assistants to help them do that.
Barbariser
Yep.
I like the way the sergeant pointed out that the army is a team effort. This is the same attitude that modern training sergeants impart onto their men. Did you figure it out yourself or did you find this out from somewhere else?
Barbariser
I don't know much about the military, so I usually go of what I know about sports, and a good coach always wants everyone to succeed and everyone to want everyone else to succeed.
ERRORS! ERRORS! MULTIPLE ERRORS!
Barbariser
Fixed.
Man, I love having long Google Drive documents instead of individual chapters. So much easier to make edits.
I think I need a break here. This post is like half a chapter long.
All typos corrected.
Why does the general secretly fear Sivia but not 79 if both can outfight him? Although 79 doesn't seem like the violent "seize control" type, Sivia embodies that kind of personality even less. Imo Chapter 8 is one of the best ones you've written so far.
Barbariser
Because he've known 79 longer.
Did anyone think of making better weapons for these guys? In real medieval armies, most men fought with spears or polearms like this or this. They are easier to use than a sword, even if heavier, and they have a longer reach, create bigger wounds and can penetrate metal plates while a sword would break if you tried.
Those weapons, thrust at full strength, were capable of skewering or ripping up knights in their armour - now imagine how deadly a soldier with one of those things would be when pumped up on godsblood.
Barbariser
I'm realizing that if I ever get a chance to write professionally, I ought to take a medieval studies course or two to give myself a better basis for those stories.
My vote goes to 4.6, I want to see more of this guy.
Barbariser
Did not see this before I began posting from 4.5, but I guess it is one vote for either anyway. I might get to 4.6 next.
[quote="WaZ"]
Hey, Sivia, Fiola called after her. If you see Fox, remember to congratulate him on his new girlfriend.
iloveflash
I'm confused. When Fiola said this I thought she was being rude by implying Sivia had become Fox's girlfriend. In context that's pretty much what she did do. However Sivia somehow doesn't get the implication and instead guesses Fox has an actual new girlfriend? (And of course it turns out he does.)
Yeah, the context of that line forces the implication, so I suggest rewording it a bit so it's clear Fiola is not referring to Sivia but Fox's actual new girlfriend.
Didn't realize that would cause confusion. I thought the idea of saying "congratulation on your new girlfriend" to your new boyfriend was too absurd. Also, with Sivia being gone for three days... Whatever, I'll edit it.
I can't think of any words that would replace knuge in the context you use it, except: grip, clutch, squeeze, hold in a vice grip.
If I'm not mistaken, forwards and backwards are how you spell the adjective/adverb format, while forward (without the 's') is a verb. Like "Forward this to the commander," or something. Otherwise you pretty much always add the 's', though I have seen that violated many times so don't quote me on that.
If I'm not mistaken, forwards and backwards are how you spell the adjective/adverb format, while forward (without the 's') is a verb. Like "Forward this to the commander," or something. Otherwise you pretty much always add the 's', though I have seen that violated many times so don't quote me on that.
iloveflash
People seem to disagree, because I often get told to drop the s (most recently by barbariser).
Hopefully he pops in to answer too.
New chapter up in part 4.5
Translation question: Is there a good translation for the Norwegian word "knuge". It is a synonym to holding onto something, but it also indicates that you are holding it really hard because you are nervous or scared. For instance if a child is scared you might say that he/she "knuget" his/her mother's hand. Or (more relavant to this story). If you are afraid of being spotted, you might "knuge" the knife as you are moving forward.waZelda
I think flash has given you all the closest terms and phrases. You may probably want to add adjectives or adverbs like "tightly" if need be.
Grammar question: When do you use forward and when do you use forwards? waZelda
I almost never see anyone writing/saying forwards, but as far as I can tell forwards can only be used as a verb or an adverb. For example, "forward a letter" and "forward-facing" are only valid without the s, but for phrase like "walking forwards" is valid with or without the s. As verbs, forward is future tense and forwards is present tense - for example, "he's going to forward a letter" versus "he forwards a letter".
People seem to disagree, because I often get told to drop the s (most recently by barbariser).Hopefully he pops in to answer too. waZelda
In that case it was because "looking forward to" is a very specific phrase and you definitely can't add an s to that.
I figured it happened too fast - like when you move your finger through a candlelight without getting burned. Couldn't really test it myself though, so I don't know if I'm right about that. waZelda
A torch has a huge flame compared to a candle, also it's heavier and you can't swing it across someone's face as fast as you can a finger.
I don't know much about the military, so I usually go of what I know about sports, and a good coach always wants everyone to succeed and everyone to want everyone else to succeed. waZelda
That probably works because the military is pretty much sports (the application of personal ability and teamwork to defeat an opponent) on a huge scale. I was actually wondering because that scene is extremely similar to actual military practices where sergeants drill the same message into the heads of trainees.
I realized how quietly brilliant it was that the general is one of the extremely few people who trusts Sivia so openly despite having more reasons than most to be cautious of her. He's already met 79, also an unbelievably powerful fighter with an appearance that inspires fear and distrust in others. He's learned to trust 79 despite these characteristics and saw a similar opportunity in Sivia when he learned of her abilities. Everyone else has to rely on Sivia for their first time lesson of tolerance.
Someone should raise the point that Sivia's main contribution is not in strength but in terror. What would soldiers think if their enemy's army had a warrior who could take on a dozen, or a hunderd men and win easily? In real life battles are about breaking the morale of the enemy and causing them to run away from the field.
I am also wondering why they called all of the city's soldiers to the plaza when they would only need the cream of the crop to show up to test her. Given the city's apparent vulnerability to infiltration, removing the garrisons from their posts sounds like an invitation for an attack. I suppose they want to show the soldiers just how badass their new ally is (to raise their spirits), but they could just rely on word of mouth from a smaller crowd of spectators.
Is it exciting, Fiola asked_ interested. waZelda
Comma there.
She slowed down and walked the last____ feet towards a small hatch.waZelda
Few.
but there were still more than the entire population in Sivias old village. waZelda
Of.
Im Horn, son of Meat waZelda
This guy is target practice for innuendo jokes.
they gradually decreased farther out. waZelda
Became shorter.
military council in the Assembly Hall immediately. I repeat: Military Council. ImmediatelywaZelda
Both phrases should either have capitalized or uncapitalized first letters, it is odd to have one capitalized and one uncapitalized especially when they are literally a few words apart. Unless the second time he's saying it, he's doing it for emphasis, in which case I recommend capitalizing all the letters.
We are there, by the way.waZelda
Here.
Wait, is the Generals name Vehaka as well? Sivia wondered.waZelda
She ought to have wondered that earlier, when Horn referred to him in the same way.
Our chance of beating them on their own turf is as close to zero as you can come.waZelda
Get.
He is afraid that if the Ards discover this, then they can recruit many _____soldiers of their own and defeat us waZelda
Red-eyed.
He was not prepared for the attacked and barelywaZelda
Attack.
With _ lightning fast reaction,waZelda
A.
Skins_ shoulder and rotated in midair as she pushed herself higher upwaZelda
If a name ends with an s, you put the closing quotation mark after the s.
She ran towards Skin who lowered his weight and prepared for the attackwaZelda
Centre of gravity, unless godsblood is even more exotic than I thought.
only bling chargeswaZelda
Blind.
Someone should raise the point that Sivia's main contribution is not in strength but in terror. What would soldiers think if their enemy's army had a warrior who could take on a dozen, or a hunderd men and win easily? In real life battles are about breaking the morale of the enemy and causing them to run away from the field.
Barbariser
Added one mention in chapter 4. Also, it does come into play farther down the line.
I am also wondering why they called all of the city's soldiers to the plaza when they would only need the cream of the crop to show up to test her. Given the city's apparent vulnerability to infiltration, removing the garrisons from their posts sounds like an invitation for an attack. I suppose they want to show the soldiers just how badass their new ally is (to raise their spirits), but they could just rely on word of mouth from a smaller crowd of spectators.
Barbariser
Because Horn likes a good show - and as you discover when the Council continues (in chapter 4, which is now up), he failed to consider the whole infiltration thing.
Actually, I forgot to consider that too, to be completely honest.
[QUOTE="waZelda"] military council in the Assembly Hall immediately. I repeat: Military Council. ImmediatelyBarbariser
Both phrases should either have capitalized or uncapitalized first letters, it is odd to have one capitalized and one uncapitalized especially when they are literally a few words apart. Unless the second time he's saying it, he's doing it for emphasis, in which case I recommend capitalizing all the letters.
I easily forget to capitalize it because there in Norwegian we use capitals a lot less. For instance, America is capitalized, but not American and in a book title, The first word and the names are the only words that start with capital letters.
[QUOTE="waZelda"]Wait, is the Generals name Vehaka as well? Sivia wondered.Barbariser
She ought to have wondered that earlier, when Horn referred to him in the same way.
Not really. Since the training camp is named Vehaka (I might not have made that clear enough), "Vehaka's forces" could be interpreted differently.
First of all, chapter 5 is out.
Secondly, we need to talk. See, I just finished translating the last of the six timelines. In other words, there are thirty-some updates that could be posted whenever I feel like it. Here is my current strategy:
By building up a solid lead, I can keep releasing 2k word chapters every week indefinitely (probably two chapters some weeks considering the rate I'm currently writing/translating at. In the seven or eight months it will take me to post what is already translated I will be able to finish writing several other timelines and go straight to translating those. My question to you is whether or not that's what you want.
The alternative is that I can release one chapter every day for a bit over a month, giving you those six timelines very quickly and then go silent for some months before I'm ready to translate other timelines. Please voice your oponions on which schedule you prefer.
In other words, there are thirty-some updates that could be posted whenever I feel like it.
waZelda
*cowers in fear*
I say release as many as you can as often as you can. According to Moar's law you should see an accelerating returns which will make your serial harder, better faster, stronger.Would prefer to read chapters every few days. I got some stuff to do so I wouldn't try to read a chapter a day.
Isn't there an easy way for the Esters to test if red eyes = secret badass? If they find other red-eyed people, give them godsblood and see if they're as powerful as Sivia. For obvious reasons, do not piss them off before doing this.
Yay the sulky bad influence is out of the camp. :D
Chief Genera Fortress
waZelda
one soldier_s shoulder towaZelda
Soldier's.
Civil representative_ interrupted. waZelda
Representatives.
find red eyes warriorswaZelda
Red-eyed.
Sivia said, upset.waZelda
Upset.
everyone will get their willwaZelda
Wish.
What was that, a letter of your leave of absence?iloveflash
You mean, me saying done? That meant I was done doing what foolz told me to do. Also, the picture is not me walking away, it is just a less than clever pun.
By the way, chapter 7 is up.
EDIT: And now chapter 8 and 9 is too.
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