Just When You Thought It Was Safe

This topic is locked from further discussion.

#1 Posted by jethrovegas (5076 posts) -

uhh

I'd like to end by saying I have no idea what any of this is about. In the third century AD it was said that a man named Casare Romania created the first video game. Tripolia, 'twas called. Apologies to those of you who think so much of this generation but it was better and more nuanced than nigh anything our modern art in its presumptive effort has managed to create.

Having said so, I'll say no further; having made my comment, I will retreat into the shadows. I have pointed out your fallacies and made of each and every one of you the fool. Nevertheless, I think you will enjoy this thread and, for whatever whomever moderator examines this message to decide its relevance to an irrelevant forum, I assure you it is a work of the most extreme currency.

On why this generation has fallen:

The developers of New Vegas, decent, unassuming people, were not paid their bonuses because the MetaCritic score assigned the game was too low for the standards of Bethesda, a company with no apparent creative strictures or instructions but many financial ones (rape, rape!). Nevermind that any objective and truly experienced Role Playing Game enthusiast recognised the title as the cream of the crop, the best of any recent RPG, better to be sure than such tripe as Mass Effect or the fun but shortly enjoyable dungeon crawler Skyrim, nevermind that it is indisbutably one of the best games ever to be made and played, nevermind! Alas, the butthurt can't go on forever. We must at some point recognise that gaming has always been this way.

The readily apparent divide between hermits and consolites is not binary but triplicate; there are so-called hermits who take solace in the technological superiority of their platform, and there are hermits, so-called, and quiet of voice and shorter and shorter of number, who recognise the PC as possessing the lion's share of quality games within a certain number of genres. Jagged Alliance, X-Com, Fallout, Planescape, Arcanum, Thief, Darklands, System Shock; these are not games with comparable relatives on console. For tactics and role playing the PC of course is master.

All of that will change. The future of gaming, and, by regrettable necessity, of the System Wars, will change immensely over the course of the next five years. I have studied gaming. I am a student and a professor and a gentleman of the art. I have learned the patterns. I can tell you where it is going.

This, System Wars, readers of System Wars, lurkers, obsessive posters, reliable ancients, narwahs who don't know who they are, to all of you: a map, per your request and blatant invitation, of the next five years in gaming:

First, the controllers will go:

Of subtle and ugly device was the Nintendo Wii: a foot in the door, a malicious first step, prefaced unremarkably by the Power Glove. Forcing players (or allowing them, depending on how stupid you really are) to interact with games in a way other than the simplest and most preferable: by this means, by this initial step, gaming companies, corporations, empires, will take the power away from the player. They will make you swing a stick to play their games. They will make you wave your hands to play their games. Eventually they will force you to f*ck their games directly. You will be compelled to reach orgasm in order to finish a level in Mario. The raccoon suit will softly caress your buttocks.

Then, they will take your money:

Not as they do now, but by unwilling and constant purchase: Ubisoft, having finally achieved their dream of creating large scale inherently c*ntish internationally-aware cultural statements and experiments in the form of games will release, in conjunction with a similar Activision product, syringes full of tiny, genetically engineered creatures that will manipulate your central nervous system in such a way that when the blandly named character of Assassin's Creed: Full Frontal weeps you will, of no self ordained volition, weep with him. They will take directly from your paycheck, 15% to start with, and work their way up as the markets allow. They will force you to like creamcorn.

Finally, they will act as a sponge, absorbing all interactive content:

There will come a time when there is no longer any such thing as a sequel, as multiple games, as options; there will be one game, called Novum Catsus, which will consist of every game that any developer ever creates. Developers caught creating games on their own to be released individually will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law's fat c*ck. When you start a console or PC, when you choose to play a game through whatever obscene and degrading point of access by then has been devised, you will be presented the option to watch movies, to surf the internet, to enjoy directly stimulative pornography, or to play Novum Catsus. Novum Catsus will feature in-depth role-playing, exciting first-person action, realistic sports simulations, strategy sequences, adventure segments, race-tracks, slushies, big ass t*tt*es lasers, ambulant moustaches, vaginas, explosions, birds pissing radioactive waste, politics, philosophical commentary, superheroes, serial killers, invalids, examinations of the role of leeches in the American Civil War, thunder, lightning, Ryan Gosling's mummified jawline, moonraker guns, Messalina, autoerotic asphyxiation by way of popcorn bags, and so on and so on.

No longer will you say to your friends, are you looking forward to this game or to that, I have played just now this game, yes, or that; rather you will say, have you seen this part of Novum Catsus, have you done this in Novum Catsus, whom have you met in Novum Catsus, I barely can pay for Novum Catsus, and the game will become an immense and swollen parasite feeding off this world and creating, with indefinite sustainability and automatic nature, its very own planet and play-ground.

-----------------------------------------------

Now listen h'yar lil' chillin's. Today you mock my words. Thinkin' me a man of poor learnin' an ability. Buh' when the pock-a-lips comes and these basters with they seal-skin suits and hari-kari knives are makin' mince-meat of your world with weird and violatory forms of interactive entertainment, you will think of me.

Ubisoft doesn't make games, they make rape kits for their victims.

Bethesda doesn't create RPGs, they fill barrels with cat piss and Ron Howard movies and pour it down your throat.

Capcom doesn't exist anymore, not like you thought it did.

The whole world of gaming is falling apart, burning down, growing fat and obnoxious and self-serving. The best way, I think, to explain it to those of you who have not yet come to understand my point, is with an allegorical story.

-----------------------

Tails of Luscious Callemprance

haybrah.jpg

Once apron a thyme alabusia yester mathallee

dasdas
Something something Frank Capra

haybrah2.jpg

Resident Evil 6 sucks dick

DASADS

Look, the point is, why do you even care?

It's not like Proust is going to fly down on a wheel-car saying "trim that goddamn pony-tail and keep it away from my c*ck". You can do whatever you want. Ever since abernathy first talked about in the 1956's nothing has been the same...

F*ck Elmet Lewis, f*ck the seventies, f*ck Carson Paramount, f*ck Anabelle Borgia, f*ck Ubisoft, f*ck the government.


aa

hhhhh

AND NOW BECAUSE OF THE GODDAMN XBOX THERE ARE SNAKES IN F*CKING HAWAII

#2 Posted by platniumgamer (3960 posts) -

very nice thread, i read the whole thing.

most of took you awhile to make this thread.

#3 Posted by Cheleman (7865 posts) -

...

9223072a.gif

#4 Posted by freedomfreak (42877 posts) -
Jethro :o
#5 Posted by Bigboi500 (30955 posts) -

"Sitting on a park bench... snot is running down his nose".

#6 Posted by Cherokee_Jack (32198 posts) -
See, if they would just decriminalize marijuana, people wouldn't turn to huffing keyboard cleaner and stuff like this would never happen.
#7 Posted by SolidTy (45719 posts) -

My sobriety is affecting my enjoyment of this thread. :P

#8 Posted by Sagem28 (10498 posts) -

Good read.

Though now I'm depressed.

#9 Posted by Meeeper282 (1597 posts) -
THIS INS"TTT A LIBRARY!! U MONG!!! 1 paraphroah or buga off! CHAA rekn
#10 Posted by Sagem28 (10498 posts) -

THIS INS"TTT A LIBRARY!! U MONG!!! 1 paraphroah or buga off! CHAA reknMeeeper282

U-WOT-M8.jpg

#11 Posted by parkurtommo (27645 posts) -

I didn't like new vegas.

#12 Posted by locopatho (20691 posts) -
Very interesting. I still like Dragon Age and Skyrim more then New Vegas tho :o
#13 Posted by LegatoSkyheart (26219 posts) -

129049832235381946.jpg

No one.

#14 Posted by sts106mat (20399 posts) -

[QUOTE="Meeeper282"]THIS INS"TTT A LIBRARY!! U MONG!!! 1 paraphroah or buga off! CHAA reknSagem28

U-WOT-M8.jpg

hahaha, that pic is quality
#15 Posted by drinkerofjuice (3339 posts) -
And this leads us to our next lesson: Don't. Smoke. Crack. [spoiler] Seriously though Jethro. You're alright [/spoiler]
#16 Posted by sts106mat (20399 posts) -
i've seen this dude make a similar thread somewhere and it got locked for some unknown reason.
#17 Posted by Grey_Eyed_Elf (4079 posts) -

The end is nigh!

41

#18 Posted by Zeviander (9503 posts) -
But I like creamed corn. :(
#19 Posted by clyde46 (47409 posts) -
BORING!
#20 Posted by TilxWLOC (1163 posts) -

I don't want to have to wait for that raccoon suit, I bet it is warm. Other than that though, you summed up my thoughts, I might as well be mute from now-on.

#21 Posted by Heil68 (46716 posts) -
I found that pretty spot on actually.
#22 Posted by TheEroica (14381 posts) -
Entertaining read... not sure if you're on drugs or are a mega doomsdayer, but interesting and entertaining none the less
#23 Posted by blue_hazy_basic (28490 posts) -
JV makes the best threads :)
#24 Posted by TheEroica (14381 posts) -
I found that pretty spot on actually. Heil68
Even the part about cat piss and ron howard movies? ;)
#25 Posted by cainetao11 (19107 posts) -
I read it. It was a great read. Wll done, whether from entertainment's sake, or believing it. Your creative work was great. Now, how do we get rid of the snakes in Hawaii? Damn Xbox is ruining gaming!!!!
#26 Posted by sts106mat (20399 posts) -
drugs.
#27 Posted by speedfreak48t5p (9255 posts) -

I agree. Fallout New Vegas is a masterpiece.

#28 Posted by TheEroica (14381 posts) -

I agree. Fallout New Vegas is a masterpiece.

speedfreak48t5p
Not at launch it wasnt... unless you have insanely low standards for games running properly. It was an utter disaster. I always say ill go back to it at some point and do a second playthrough as im sure its been patched to holy hell. Ultimately it was a great game but cant in right conscious call it a masterpiece.
#29 Posted by Heil68 (46716 posts) -
[QUOTE="Heil68"]I found that pretty spot on actually. TheEroica
Even the part about cat piss and ron howard movies? ;)

especially those parts
#30 Posted by Magescrew (532 posts) -
tldr
#31 Posted by Magescrew (532 posts) -
[QUOTE="speedfreak48t5p"]

I agree. Fallout New Vegas is a masterpiece.

TheEroica
Not at launch it wasnt... unless you have insanely low standards for games running properly. It was an utter disaster. I always say ill go back to it at some point and do a second playthrough as im sure its been patched to holy hell. Ultimately it was a great game but cant in right conscious call it a masterpiece.

I don't know why people think New Vegas was a masterpiece. It was Fallout 3 with a less interesting world along with more varied and more consequential choices and decisions. I mean don't get me wrong its one of my favorite games, but it isn't in my upper echelon. The only memorable character in New Vegas to me was the technocrat dude (see I can't even remember his name...)
#32 Posted by jethrovegas (5076 posts) -

I don't know why people think New Vegas was a masterpiece. It was Fallout 3 with a less interesting world along with more varied and more consequential choices and decisions. I mean don't get me wrong its one of my favorite games, but it isn't in my upper echelon. The only memorable character in New Vegas to me was the technocrat dude (see I can't even remember his name...)Magescrew

By 'less interesting world' do you mean 'not an amusement park?' Because that's what FO3's gameworld was. Little Lamplight? Abe Lincoln's head? A town built around an unexploded nuke (also an object of worship)? They couldn't have made it any worse than it was. NV was logically designed.

#33 Posted by DarkLink77 (31868 posts) -

Always a pleasure, Jethro. But I have got to figure out what you're on, because my guy clearly doesn't sell it.

#34 Posted by darkdude2k12 (874 posts) -

uhh

I'd like to end by saying I have no idea what any of this is about. In the third century AD it was said that a man named Casare Romania created the first video game. Tripolia, 'twas called. Apologies to those of you who think so much of this generation but it was better and more nuanced than nigh anything our modern art in its presumptive effort has managed to create.

Having said so, I'll say no further; having made my comment, I will retreat into the shadows. I have pointed out your fallacies and made of each and every one of you the fool. Nevertheless, I think you will enjoy this thread and, for whatever whomever moderator examines this message to decide its relevance to an irrelevant forum, I assure you it is a work of the most extreme currency.

On why this generation has fallen:

The developers of New Vegas, decent, unassuming people, were not paid their bonuses because the MetaCritic score assigned the game was too low for the standards of Bethesda, a company with no apparent creative strictures or instructions but many financial ones (rape, rape!). Nevermind that any objective and truly experienced Role Playing Game enthusiast recognised the title as the cream of the crop, the best of any recent RPG, better to be sure than such tripe as Mass Effect or the fun but shortly enjoyable dungeon crawler Skyrim, nevermind that it is indisbutably one of the best games ever to be made and played, nevermind! Alas, the butthurt can't go on forever. We must at some point recognise that gaming has always been this way.

The readily apparent divide between hermits and consolites is not binary but triplicate; there are so-called hermits who take solace in the technological superiority of their platform, and there are hermits, so-called, and quiet of voice and shorter and shorter of number, who recognise the PC as possessing the lion's share of quality games within a certain number of genres. Jagged Alliance, X-Com, Fallout, Planescape, Arcanum, Thief, Darklands, System Shock; these are not games with comparable relatives on console. For tactics and role playing the PC of course is master.

All of that will change. The future of gaming, and, by regrettable necessity, of the System Wars, will change immensely over the course of the next five years. I have studied gaming. I am a student and a professor and a gentleman of the art. I have learned the patterns. I can tell you where it is going.

This, System Wars, readers of System Wars, lurkers, obsessive posters, reliable ancients, narwahs who don't know who they are, to all of you: a map, per your request and blatant invitation, of the next five years in gaming:

First, the controllers will go:

Of subtle and ugly device was the Nintendo Wii: a foot in the door, a malicious first step, prefaced unremarkably by the Power Glove. Forcing players (or allowing them, depending on how stupid you really are) to interact with games in a way other than the simplest and most preferable: by this means, by this initial step, gaming companies, corporations, empires, will take the power away from the player. They will make you swing a stick to play their games. They will make you wave your hands to play their games. Eventually they will force you to f*ck their games directly. You will be compelled to reach orgasm in order to finish a level in Mario. The raccoon suit will softly caress your buttocks.

Then, they will take your money:

Not as they do now, but by unwilling and constant purchase: Ubisoft, having finally achieved their dream of creating large scale inherently c*ntish internationally-aware cultural statements and experiments in the form of games will release, in conjunction with a similar Activision product, syringes full of tiny, genetically engineered creatures that will manipulate your central nervous system in such a way that when the blandly named character of Assassin's Creed: Full Frontal weeps you will, of no self ordained volition, weep with him. They will take directly from your paycheck, 15% to start with, and work their way up as the markets allow. They will force you to like creamcorn.

Finally, they will act as a sponge, absorbing all interactive content:

There will come a time when there is no longer any such thing as a sequel, as multiple games, as options; there will be one game, called Novum Catsus, which will consist of every game that any developer ever creates. Developers caught creating games on their own to be released individually will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law's fat c*ck. When you start a console or PC, when you choose to play a game through whatever obscene and degrading point of access by then has been devised, you will be presented the option to watch movies, to surf the internet, to enjoy directly stimulative pornography, or to play Novum Catsus. Novum Catsus will feature in-depth role-playing, exciting first-person action, realistic sports simulations, strategy sequences, adventure segments, race-tracks, slushies, big ass t*tt*es lasers, ambulant moustaches, vaginas, explosions, birds pissing radioactive waste, politics, philosophical commentary, superheroes, serial killers, invalids, examinations of the role of leeches in the American Civil War, thunder, lightning, Ryan Gosling's mummified jawline, moonraker guns, Messalina, autoerotic asphyxiation by way of popcorn bags, and so on and so on.

No longer will you say to your friends, are you looking forward to this game or to that, I have played just now this game, yes, or that; rather you will say, have you seen this part of Novum Catsus, have you done this in Novum Catsus, whom have you met in Novum Catsus, I barely can pay for Novum Catsus, and the game will become an immense and swollen parasite feeding off this world and creating, with indefinite sustainability and automatic nature, its very own planet and play-ground.

-----------------------------------------------

Now listen h'yar lil' chillin's. Today you mock my words. Thinkin' me a man of poor learnin' an ability. Buh' when the pock-a-lips comes and these basters with they seal-skin suits and hari-kari knives are makin' mince-meat of your world with weird and violatory forms of interactive entertainment, you will think of me.

Ubisoft doesn't make games, they make rape kits for their victims.

Bethesda doesn't create RPGs, they fill barrels with cat piss and Ron Howard movies and pour it down your throat.

Capcom doesn't exist anymore, not like you thought it did.

The whole world of gaming is falling apart, burning down, growing fat and obnoxious and self-serving. The best way, I think, to explain it to those of you who have not yet come to understand my point, is with an allegorical story.

-----------------------

Tails of Luscious Callemprance

haybrah.jpg

Once apron a thyme alabusia yester mathallee

dasdas
Something something Frank Capra

haybrah2.jpg

Resident Evil 6 sucks dick

DASADS

Look, the point is, why do you even care?

It's not like Proust is going to fly down on a wheel-car saying "trim that goddamn pony-tail and keep it away from my c*ck". You can do whatever you want. Ever since abernathy first talked about in the 1956's nothing has been the same...

F*ck Elmet Lewis, f*ck the seventies, f*ck Carson Paramount, f*ck Anabelle Borgia, f*ck Ubisoft, f*ck the government.


aa

hhhhh

AND NOW BECAUSE OF THE GODDAMN XBOX THERE ARE SNAKES IN F*CKING HAWAII

jethrovegas
Wtf was this even about? lol. Obviously, you've lots of time on your hands. (sighs)
#35 Posted by Xeogua (1542 posts) -

That was amazing, I thoroughly enjoyed reading that.

#36 Posted by MSXBOX4EVER (604 posts) -

You will be compelled to reach orgasm in order to finish a leveljethrovegas

Oh phew I thought big changes were cumming. I already do that anyway.

#37 Posted by charizard1605 (60799 posts) -
I have no f*cking clue what I just read
#38 Posted by darkmoney52 (4310 posts) -

None of the individual words or sentences in OPs post made much sense, but taken as a whole after reading it in it's entirety I feel like I learned a lot. Also, New Vegas was fantastic. It was bugged to all hell, but I expect any RPG worth it's salt to crash periodically, and have at least one quest broken by a glitch.

#39 Posted by psymon100 (6835 posts) -

That was a most interesting read.

You have a creative and imaginitive mind.

#40 Posted by Jandurin (95552 posts) -
penis
#41 Posted by FireSpirit117 (1926 posts) -

Do you need scissors 61 while you're at it?

#42 Posted by illmatic87 (15460 posts) -
I have no f*cking clue what I just readcharizard1605
Really? Hello? Reading comprehension.
#43 Posted by illmatic87 (15460 posts) -
That whole metascore bonus was a mess. Part of me thinks that Obsidian shouldnt have signed up to such negotiations with the Publisher and that they bit off more than they could chew Part of me thinks that Obsidian had every right to be confident in their talent and how they envisioned the end product (FO:NV). Another part feels that It's the Publisher being unreasonable. Another wants to pin the reviewers as I thought it was better than FO3. The other makes me question Metacritic The other side thinks that I shoudnt really care. as I purchased, played and enjoyed FO:NV.
#44 Posted by charizard1605 (60799 posts) -
[QUOTE="charizard1605"]I have no f*cking clue what I just readillmatic87
Really? Hello? Reading comprehension.

I failed English in second grade.
#45 Posted by jg4xchamp (49885 posts) -
JV makes the best threads :)blue_hazy_basic
It's really not even close.
#46 Posted by ZombieKiller7 (6218 posts) -

They already built Novum Catsus.

It's called WoW.

#47 Posted by BPoole96 (22811 posts) -

Can you write a novel so I can read it?