1UP's review of the Orange Box...

It's illegible.

I don't mean that the letters are smudged or the print is too small. I mean that the writing is so bad that it might as well be impossible to make out the lettering.

Here's their review of TF2, for example:

http://www.1up.com/do/reviewPage?cId=3163581&sec=REVIEWS

Look at that first paragraph. Just look at it. Go and look at the second paragraph of the Portal review, too. No really, go do it - I'll wait here.

Done reading? Do you see what I mean? It's as though this man is trying to compress an entire essay into each one of his sentences. I don't know who this guy's editor is, but he needs to be fired.

I saw a novelty T-shirt once baring the phrase "Eschew Superfluous Obfuscation". It's a message I think Shawn Elliott should take to heart.

It's a shame, though; under all that abysmally-bad writing is a decent analysis of some of the best games ever released.

I was entirely not prepared for that. That is amazing.

It was how I felt listening to Miles Davis modal jazz experiments the first 10-20 times though, eventually they kicked in.

I think Shawn has come across a new way of writing that maybe we're all just too primative to get. Either that or he's trying to get fired.

Man, that is awful. How did these people get their jobs? I'm pretty sure an 8th grader can write better than this. But it's 1up, this is not surprising considering how this guyjust copiedthe Tekken 5 review from the booklet. I didn't expect much from Shawn Elliot since he's a total moron.

What's wrong with it, actually? fepepinar

It's about the worst piece of writing that I have ever seen published professionally.

I'm by no means a good writer, but even as someone who has only taken one English composition class, I had to try very hard not to throw up in my mouth.

He's trying to fit about fifteen allusions to other games or parts of games in every sentence, to the point where he ends up with run-ons that have lost all their meaning by the end. He also seems to be going out of his way to pack in "clever" language tricks like alliteration:

"The Aperture gadget, dazzlingly different, distracts all attention..."

and because he's really stretching to fit these things in, the meaning of the sentence is less clear than it should be.

The whole thing is a convoluted mess and feels like something an English professor would write up as an example of what not to do.

[QUOTE="fepepinar"]What's wrong with it, actually? Ghardon

It's about the worst piece of writing that I have ever seen published professionally.

I'm by no means a good writer, but even as someone who has only taken one English composition class, I had to try very hard not to throw up in my mouth.

He's trying to fit about fifteen allusions to other games or parts of games in every sentence, to the point where he ends up with run-ons that have lost all their meaning by the end. He also seems to be going out of his way to pack in "clever" language tricks like alliteration:

"The Aperture gadget, dazzlingly different, distracts all attention..."

and because he's really stretching to fit these things in, the meaning of the sentence is less clear than it should be.

The whole thing is a convoluted mess and feels like something an English professor would write up as an example of what not to do.

I understood it perfectly, without a problem, in my first reading. I honestly can't see nothing wrong with it. Maybe I'm assuming he knows it's a weird way of putting things, but decided to do it anyway for witty-valor. Maybe I'm reading too much into it by assuming that he's aware of the convolutedness contained in the paragraph.

I also found it to be rather humorous and entertaining, and think most people here are commenting out of pure peer pressure and not really believe this is the worst text they have ever read in their lifes.

[QUOTE="Ghardon"]

[QUOTE="fepepinar"]What's wrong with it, actually? fepepinar

It's about the worst piece of writing that I have ever seen published professionally.

I'm by no means a good writer, but even as someone who has only taken one English composition class, I had to try very hard not to throw up in my mouth.

He's trying to fit about fifteen allusions to other games or parts of games in every sentence, to the point where he ends up with run-ons that have lost all their meaning by the end. He also seems to be going out of his way to pack in "clever" language tricks like alliteration:

"The Aperture gadget, dazzlingly different, distracts all attention..."

and because he's really stretching to fit these things in, the meaning of the sentence is less clear than it should be.

The whole thing is a convoluted mess and feels like something an English professor would write up as an example of what not to do.

I understood it perfectly, without a problem, in my first reading. I honestly can't see nothing wrong with it. Maybe I'm assuming he knows it's a weird way of putting things, but decided to do it anyway for witty-valor. Maybe I'm reading too much into it by assuming that he's aware of the convolutedness contained in the paragraph.

I also found it to be rather humorous and entertaining, and think most people here are commenting out of pure peer pressure and not really believe this is the worst text they have ever read in their lifes.

That's the same thing that I had. He just uses some really weird ways to describe the game. But it's not the worst review ever. Quite clearly no-one here has seen Sega Kid reviews?

[QUOTE="fepepinar"][QUOTE="Ghardon"]

[QUOTE="fepepinar"]What's wrong with it, actually? Darth_Homer

It's about the worst piece of writing that I have ever seen published professionally.

I'm by no means a good writer, but even as someone who has only taken one English composition class, I had to try very hard not to throw up in my mouth.

He's trying to fit about fifteen allusions to other games or parts of games in every sentence, to the point where he ends up with run-ons that have lost all their meaning by the end. He also seems to be going out of his way to pack in "clever" language tricks like alliteration:

"The Aperture gadget, dazzlingly different, distracts all attention..."

and because he's really stretching to fit these things in, the meaning of the sentence is less clear than it should be.

The whole thing is a convoluted mess and feels like something an English professor would write up as an example of what not to do.

I understood it perfectly, without a problem, in my first reading. I honestly can't see nothing wrong with it. Maybe I'm assuming he knows it's a weird way of putting things, but decided to do it anyway for witty-valor. Maybe I'm reading too much into it by assuming that he's aware of the convolutedness contained in the paragraph.

I also found it to be rather humorous and entertaining, and think most people here are commenting out of pure peer pressure and not really believe this is the worst text they have ever read in their lifes.

That's the same thing that I had. He just uses some really weird ways to describe the game. But it's not the worst review ever. Quite clearly no-one here has seen Sega Kid reviews?

I wasn't saying that it was the worst thing evar, I just think it's way inexcusably bad for something that's going to be printed and sold in stores, and delivered to paying subscribers. And I stand by that statement.

I understood what he was saying too. I just think that when you're assigning the guy who's going to be reviewing one of the most-anticipated releases of this year (or arguably ever, given the HL fanbase), you ought to choose the guy who writes in the most comprehensive manner. This dude clearly does not. He also throws in references that almost none of 1UP's readers would understand. The only reason I understood them was that I was fortunate enough to have had a decent gaming rig back when Half-Life was new, about a decade ago now. Most gamers reading these things haven't been gaming that long.

As for everybody agreeing out of peer pressure, I couldn't say. But hey, I am overwhelmingly cool like that, so it's a very real possibility :P.

Wow I wish game reviewers would stop harboring notions of being creative literary animals. I like to hear the author's voice come through in a piece sure, but this is just stupid. 1up has been guilty of "buddy buddy"-ing up their reviews before and personally I can't stand it, I think they have good opinions on games but damn if I rarely enjoy reading them. Not to mention their reviews are usually shorter than other outlets, no need to fill that already limited space with a bunch of superfluous and insular crap.

For some reason I feel this is all Pitchfork's fault.

For some reason I feel this is all Pitchfork's fault.viberooni

I do not exaggerate at all when I say that this comment is probably the best thing ever. It may become my sig.

[QUOTE="viberooni"]For some reason I feel this is all Pitchfork's fault.Ghardon

I do not exaggerate at all when I say that this comment is probably the best thing ever. It may become my sig.

Well, I think that if it was Yahtzee from Zero Punctuation saying all that things, he'd be hailed as a comedy genius. Maybe it's relative. But yeah, I understand how most people would just prefer a conservative, straightforward review of a highly anticipated game and not something which looks like Katamary Damaci transformed into a videogame review.fepepinar

I'd agree that context makes all the difference. I can enjoy Zero Punctuation because I go into it expecting something crazily mashed together (that's what the title means, after all). The problem is that when I buy a shrink-wrapped PC gaming mag like Games For Windows, I expect something different.

Well, I think that if it was Yahtzee from Zero Punctuation saying all that things, he'd be hailed as a comedy genius. Maybe it's relative. But yeah, I understand how most people would just prefer a conservative, straightforward review of a highly anticipated game and not something which looks like Katamary Damaci transformed into a videogame review.fepepinar

If it was irreverent but informative (like Yahtzee) that would be fine and good. But it's also poorly written, it's trying way to hard to be different and I wonder if it ever crossed an editor's desk. And the content caters to such a small segment of the buying public that it not only goes over the head of anyone who hasn't put time into Team Fortress, it's basically useless as a review to everyone else. It's also not funny (which Yahtzee is, and gives him an excuse to stretch things for the sake of humor).

I appreciate your sig Ghardon, thanks for bringing it to my attention in the first place :)

Alright. Enough of game site fanboyism here. I think 1up is a great site that I visit as often as Gamespot. Now to the review...

I got dizzy trying to read that. I really don't need to read reviews on a game that everyone knows will get great scores but god damn I got lost in that thing.

Basically the score says it all... ignore the writing.

"Aint that a teat-less Holstein?"

:lol:

That analysis, albeit forthcoming and ripe with an abundance of factualities and brain-massaging tidbits, finds itself causing the metaphorical feces gravitating toward the fan in regards to said analysis' credibility and satisfactoriness. Zeke129

I won't lie; I LOL'ed.

That analysis, albeit forthcoming and ripe with an abundance of factualities and brain-massaging tidbits, finds itself causing the metaphorical feces gravitating toward the fan in regards to said analysis' credibility and satisfactoriness. Zeke129

I was going to make a post like this, but then realized that I probably don't know enough long words to do so. +1 to you.

WTF?!?!?!

I have seen more comprehensible bablefish translations. I don't understanda thing the guy wrote.

dvader654

WTF?!?!?!

I have seen more comprehensible bablefish translations. I don't understanda thing the guy wrote.

dvader654

October 9, 2007 - the reputation of the valve like higher realizer of line began when half life released in 1998 and was cemented in 2004 when they released the spectacular continuation. Now, they bring back this magic with the orange box. As we said in innumerable forecasts, it is one of the best businesses than we ever saw in the play, particularly for these people who have to still play to it half life 2 of the whole. With the episode one of the half life 2, half life 2, and the episode two of the half life 2, the players can take up to now the whole voyage of the half life 2 in the order. If it were the whole package, the it' D is hard to express much dissatisfaction even with the half life 2 being a play going back to three years, but the orange box also comes with two other plays: Gate and fortress 2 of team. They are completely a little different that it half life in the spirit, but offers to the top of the single experiments based and multijoueuses of puzzle which have the exquisite model and the beautiful directions of humour. All has the pin and the polish which we are enus ven to await us of the valve and nothing in the package disappoints.

That analysis, albeit forthcoming and ripe with an abundance of factualities and brain-massaging tidbits, finds itself causing the metaphorical feces gravitating toward the fan in regards to said analysis' credibility and satisfactoriness. Zeke129

Haha, this reply is just so right :D

Good Lord, man. Give it to your English professor, not your game magazine editor!

That's probably the worst kind of writing possible. It's even worse than the guys who use internet-speak constantly and can't seem to spell an entire word.

Come to think of it, why couldn't he have written his review that way? It would've been funny.

[QUOTE="dvader654"]

WTF?!?!?!

I have seen more comprehensible bablefish translations. I don't understanda thing the guy wrote.

yodariquo

October 9, 2007 - the reputation of the valve like higher realizer of line began when half life released in 1998 and was cemented in 2004 when they released the spectacular continuation. Now, they bring back this magic with the orange box. As we said in innumerable forecasts, it is one of the best businesses than we ever saw in the play, particularly for these people who have to still play to it half life 2 of the whole. With the episode one of the half life 2, half life 2, and the episode two of the half life 2, the players can take up to now the whole voyage of the half life 2 in the order. If it were the whole package, the it' D is hard to express much dissatisfaction even with the half life 2 being a play going back to three years, but the orange box also comes with two other plays: Gate and fortress 2 of team. They are completely a little different that it half life in the spirit, but offers to the top of the single experiments based and multijoueuses of puzzle which have the exquisite model and the beautiful directions of humour. All has the pin and the polish which we are enus ven to await us of the valve and nothing in the package disappoints.

I must say, that IS clearer.

No joke, that is easier to read and understand.