Conan is thy name, being bulky and macho is your petty human game.
Whilst you yourself look pleasing (as far as a mere human can) and animate yourself well with your swagger and lovely sweeping and slashing moves the rest cannot always be said for your world. Do you mean to insult me with your last-gen looks? You clearly have not given with both hands because I expect more scale and spectacle from my PS3 games and this hardly looks any better than what Kratos offered me in the original God of War.
Your bland textures and unspectacular geometry offend my eyes Conan! Your cut scenes are rough and ropey! There are at times invisible restrictions placed over the smallest stones and walls and a God like me doesn't like such limitations to my movements! You also lack finesse and little touches like not leaving any footprints in the sand when you are a 240 pound barbarian! And why is it that on the odd occasion I can slay a foe and see him planted inside a wall, dangling in mid air? I would strike you down where you stand for these crimes but... maybe not. Not yet...
For I do see things that please me. The lighting is pretty in places and the art design is what I expect from the ancient Hyborian Age. Exploring your world is interesting for you show me places far flung and varied. I see islands, caverns and temples. I battle all manner of different human foes and plenty of savage creatures. I tackle huge boss monsters in a completely text book but nonetheless entertaining and heroic fashion.
And the GORE. Oh Conan, my dearest, sweetest mortal servant! You have provided me with visceral pleasures that only a warlike god like myself can appreciate. Your weapons connect with violence and substance. Men are cleaved in two, entrails are ripped out and skulls are shattered as they are pile driven into the dust. Single button counter moves show a rendered sequence of even greater spectacle and violence! This makes learning and acquiring new moves worthwhile. I like your varied ability to wield two weapons or to fight one handed with a shield. And I am impressed with your feats of great strength which you use to swing enormous two-handed weaponry and fling giant boulders.
For this I forgive your lapses into worldly carnal desires. You have my permission to rescue your ample bodied, bare breasted Amazon women and have your way with them. Even a god like myself cannot resist a smile when you stumble upon an imprisoned nymph, cut her chains and are rewarded with phrases like "take me and crush me with your love" as she shakes her almost X-rated booty at you. It is exactly what I always expected of your world Conan. In fact your own phrases and one-liners are a joy.
"I do as I please woman!" and "I will cleave your skull to the teeth" are like music to my immortal ears.
But for all this goodness, for all the delicious masculine swagger and carefree (and completely apt) abandon of moral values and virtue you are a straightforward and primitive hack-and-slasher. You offer me little new mortal and I have seen everything that you have to give before, just in different clothes. I walk with you from one location to another and fight foes until I meet a boss. I do some limited platforming and solve a few 'open the door' logic puzzles to the press of quoted buttons. You are no worthier for my blessing than other heroes such as Nariko or Kratos. But at least Heavenly Sword has the physics and the cinematic wow factor, and God of War pushes a more limited console system harder.
In the end I am torn in two over your offering Conan. How am I to judge a game that has such flaws and limitations and yet at times pleases so greatly? I must weigh into my scales of justice your plentiful, solid game-play, your extreme violence and your splendid sense of empowerment against your simplistic presentation, repetition and brutish unoriginality. You could have been a great warrior Conan, perhaps the greatest if you tested yourself a little further and harder. As such you will have to be content to satisfy only mere mortals.
Such cowardice is a sin in Todaishi's eyes! It is my judgement that I shall bind you between my two giant celestial stallions and tear you asunder! But rest assured I will retain your barbarian bones with affection and in the hope that one day they will grow once more and a new, more sophisticated Conan is brought before me. HINT! HINT!