Okay, so I walk into my local Game store. I am already quite anxious because franchised game stores frighten me. My local mom and pop game store recently closed to my dismay. I decide that I want to find some Dreamcast games. There is really nothing but piss and **** out for the three biggies anyway. I have played the latest blockbusters and it just made me feel dirty. So, no sooner then I walk through the front door I am approached by a smock wearing sales whore. I try not to make eye contact as he asks me if I need help. I politely decline. After thoroughly scouring the entire store, I realize I do need help. I cannot locate the Dreamcast games. I swallow my pride and ask for assistance. The sales whore informs me that only one other location carries Dreamcast games. I am stunned, shocked, and dismayed at hearing that information. I stand there dumbfounded in the middle of the store and I think to myself, I miss Hunter. I find myself often thinking this thought. I have never really truly felt this saddened by the death of a celebrity before. But I felt like I just clicked with Hunter. Reading his articles on Page 2 became apart of my routine in life. But like anything else you move past it. I then suddenly see this Army Men game sitting on the shelf that I have not yet seen. I think about the previous Army Men titles (Army Men, Sarge’s Hero’s), and they pretty much sucked ass. But I’m in a weird mood today, so what the hell? Just then the sales whore approaches me holding some bizarre PS2 rpg I’ve never heard of before. He initiates conversation with no prompting from me. He begins to tell me about how wonderful this game is and I start to wonder if the Police would understand if I knocked this guy out. I say no thanks and take the most direct route to the cash register. As the register whore starts to ring me out, he tells me the game I am buying is crap. Literally. I can’t believe he just told me that about a product I was purchasing from his store. But now I am completely sold on this game. If this semi-sober, 35 year old, still living with his mother register whore thinks it’s a bad game, then it must be good. Finally, I have successfully circumnavigated the store and am on my way home with a game to play. Lesson learned, purchase games at either Best Buy or on the web.
Okay, I am home now, and I have consumed the appropriate amount of booze so it’s time to play. I go to pop the game in and first have to clear off a nice layer of dust. It has been quite a while since Resident Evil 4 came out. So I boot up the game. Load times are acceptable. I create a profile, and I am suddenly in tutorial mode. Here you learn how to maneuver your hunks of plastic. It is much like any Command & Conquer I have every seen with one big difference. It’s on a console. Good luck trying to figure out how this controller scheme works. RTS’s were never meant to be played on a console. Control scheme aside, I find myself having a hard time getting into this. There is really no plot. They give you either the green team or the tan team, then they drop you into an unlikely setting such as a backyard, and you duke it out. There are no advanced strategies such as trying to take over smaller areas to advance. I will admit, watching your flame thrower fighters fight is a gas. Watching enemies melt so you can recycle their plastic is quite fun. However, I got bored quickly waiting on the tans to come and fight, so I just melted my own team. I hate to say it, but sales whore was right. This game is poop. If this game cannot entertain me, then I don’t hold out hope for the rest of you. I am so easily entertained that it stuns me when I can’t find even the most minuscule facet to keep my attention.
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