Maybe if this were called Voxel Warriors then maybe it wouldn't feel so tacky.
The End.
Okay seriously, it's a deliberate throwback to the retro games that no one makes anymore. For better and for worse this game tries to relive the old days for the sake of nostalgia.
First off, 3D Dot Game Heroes is the stupidest title for a game I've ever heard. I'd seen lots of eager posts on gaming blogs about the impending release of this title but I completely ignored them. It may be shallow but if I don't like a game's title then chances are I won't seek it. Like with movies, you can generally determine what a game is like based on the title, box art and description. Of course, like movies this can lead to a fairly large collection of shiny turds on store shelves but that's why the critics are there to help us. Anyways, for a game that's heavy on old school gaming nostalgia, particularly Zelda, this game's title is horrendous. It doesn't sound good, I don't like to say it or even type it. I believe since the game is named after its art style I'd suggest the title "Voxel Warriors" which I will be calling it from now on. I realize the title isn't a determination of a game's worth but first impressions are important and the title serves as a first impression. It tells me that the developers weren't creative enough or perhaps didn't spend enough time and effort to properly name this title. What are the chances that the game won't suffer from the same flaws? In this case the odds are pretty good.
The game is designed to play like the original Legend of Zelda with a side of NES RPG side questing and item hunting. What this means is that your objectives aren't ever made clear and you're instead thrown out into the wild to figure out where to go. I don't mind the lack of guidance but it's the side quests that agitate me. Most side quests amount to 'talk to random NPC and receive insignificant item' or 'talk to random NPC and trade insignificant item with another random NPC'. This basically makes you the world's postman because everyone is too scared of monsters to leave their houses. This isn't too bad though it's tedious and boring. The major flaw is the time constraints on several quests. Some quests are only available for a brief window between different chapters of the main quest. There's no way to track or be notified of quests and the windows of availability are purposeless and cruel. The only way I knew I missed quests was by reading a FAQ after completing half the game. I realized all the hours I toiled playing terribly unfair minigames to achieve a complete playthrough were all wasted because some stupid NPC disappeared while I was saving the world. Oh, but there's a New Game+ feature! However, it doesn't carry over many of my accomplishments; actually it transfers none of them. Essentially I get to keep my leftover money and a sense of dissatisfaction from these poor design decisions.
Speaking of design let's talk about perhaps the most important aspect, the dungeons. A Link to the Past had fantastic dungeon design that was challenging without having to resort to brutal or cheap tactics. Games like that essentially reached their peak and death with A Link to the Past, the quintessential magnum opus of what is now known as retro gaming. Games like that haven't been in production for nearly 20 years, why? Voxel Warriors is an example of why. We don't realize how good something is until we experience something worse. Inspired dungeon and map design is the core of Legend of Zelda's success and this game doesn't have it. Each dungeon is a tedious diversion with one amateurish room filled with enemies after another. The challenge is not in puzzle solving or skill it's a matter of dealing with extraordinarily cheap enemies and traps that utilize the shortcomings of the graphics. If you love getting killed by traps hidden in blind spots or enemies who can strike you before the screen loads then you're going to love this game. Worst of all is the lack of payoff with the bosses. If you strictly play the main quest then your main sword is going to suck for the majority of the game and bosses will literally take 50 hits or more to slay but you'll be dead in about three or four even with maxed out health. The game is designed with perfection in mind because when you're at full health, and only when at full health, your sword extends to ridiculous lengths (heh heh) allowing you to clear an entire room in one swipe. However, when you're not at full health you can expect a emasculating nub that does significantly less damage in most cases. Most hits will be incurred through cheap tricks or being hit by things that DO NOT EXIST. Now, if you have a great sword and full health then most bosses, including the final boss, will be dead in a matter of seconds with little effort.
So let's recap. The level designs are lazy, cheap and boring. The bosses are boring. The difficulty is either way too easy or cruel for no reason. The game expects you to accomplish all the side quests but does everything in its power to prevent you unless you consult a FAQ. The minigames show absolutely NO sign of playtesting at all. Perhaps the redeeming quality could be the graphics? Honestly, I hate the look of this game. I understand what they were going for but to me it's as ugly as the title suggests.
Perhaps I'm being too hard on this game. It's not terrible, it's completely functional and offers a lot of playtime with or without side questing and item hunting. Also given the relative lack of retro games it's fairly unique. Also, I believe it originally launched at a budget price. However, since I'm a budget minded customer I tend to get games like this for the same price as games like Assassin's Creed 2 or Bioshock 2 or Fallout 3. With that in mind I'm not impressed with the value of this game at all. It's not terrible or buggy but it's also not that good. I'm a huge Legend of Zelda fan and have played through every console entry to date so got all the jokes and Easter eggs. This game may be funny but it's a poor ripoff with poor production value. At least a game like Ratchet & Clank can be funny, original and polished. This game has a narrow target audience, of which I'm a member. If I didn't like it then what are the chances anyone else will? However, if you liked old school Zelda and are in the market for a retro throwback then I'd say try this if nothing else catches your eye but a better idea would be to turn to popular indie games which will most likely be more fulfilling, more thoughtful, far more creative and probably cheaper too.