You see, I've been addicted to Glade air freshener for 7 years. I have spent countless thousands of dollars in that time and weathered the accusing stares of hundreds of zit-faced Walgreens checkout clerks. One of them even caringly quipped, "You can't possibly take that many craps. What is really going on here? Would you like me to call someone to get you some help?"
I have been an outcast for a long long time.
But I think I have found a cure. You see, two weeks ago I installed this game and my life changed within seconds of playing this for the first time. Much like when I progressed from fabric softener sheets to Glade, I found that all the addictive neurons in my brain magically quit crying out for Lavender scented aerosol. I just knew, instantly, that all my struggles were over. I had found a new addiction, one so sublimely Zen, that I would never crave a dangerous chemical again.
Whether it's the incredible co-op play with my imaginary friends or the immersive solo campaign, I just can't stop playing this game. Never has street cleaning been portrayed in such a life-altering way. I have always dreamed of living out my fantasies of piloting a 10 ton vehicle at blistering speeds of up to 3 miles per hour around small dogs and little old ladies.
Now a new issue has arisen: I can't pull myself away from my PC for long enough to attend to life's little necessities. I actually ate a Logitech speaker yesterday, which unfortunately detracts from this games incredible Dolby 7.1 surround. I am down to 9 bottles of water now and I may be short for this world. And finally, in an ironic twist of fate, I find I need Glade more than ever as the smell in my little under-the-basement-stairs computer nook is getting rather unbearable.
But I find it is all worth it every time I expertly steer my sweeper toward, say, a dead armadillo or a puddle of clown vomit. There is no end to the street cleaner's job, and that's A-OK with me. I shall happily spend the few days I have remaining in sheer and absolute bliss.