Boros here playing another abysmal title. I don't really know what the thinking was with Ruff Trigger: The Vanocore Conspiracy for PS2. Maybe to have a budget Ratchet and Clank game so they can make massive profit. Well, if that was the case, it clearly didn't work because it doesn't have a sequel and I haven't seen the developer make anything else. Maybe it was a formulated mass studio downsizing/suicide. If that was the reason, they did a bang up job of that. It's bad. It's explosive diarrhea coming out of a cockhole. You should totally buy it... I'm serious. This game is so fascinatingly bad that only the warped mind of Ruff himself could've thought this up after he went insane due to ignorance, but we'll get to that later. I can't wait to dig in to this pickled cock, so let's get started.
First of all, the voice acting is f@&ked. I don't how many drinks the actor for Boss had before coming into the studio (or cardboard box in which this games development took place), but it was too many. He sounds like what would happen if a drunken hobo inhaled the can of beer. One of his repeated lines comes up a bunch in the game and makes me laugh every time. "Good jOb, rUUUUfff." It almost sounds like he's climaxing after getting sucked off right in the middle of saying "Ruff". It's freakin' hysterical. Ruff sounds like Sonic the Hedgehog, whose voice was never stellar to begin with, but Ruff somehow sounds even worse. Maybe it's because the actor can't decide if he's sarcastic, serious, or just plain goofy and will randomly switch between them like he's got severe MPD. The sad thing is that he's the best voice actor in the game. Then there's Cecily. Oh, Cecily. The only redeemable character in the whole game, and she just HAD to have a voice actress going who's quite obviously on the damned rag. Her voice itself is fine, quite good actually, but in every scene she's in, her tone switches back and forth between sexy, angry, and lovey-dovey in a very inconsistant manner. It was so bad that at one point in the game, she switched between her 3 phases in the same damned sentence. I've got no joke. It's just the kind of thing that is said and my brain goes numb. I mean, come on. It's down right comical. There wasn't an ounce of self awareness about this either. It was supposed to be taken seriously. Bulls#!t. I don't think the mentally handicapped could take that seriously. The voice acting, however, is just the tip of the iceberg of why this game is so hilariously bad.
The story is also f@&ked. It starts out with Ruff and Cecily being deployed to a planet to collect these things called Piglots by Boss because they're apparently some sort of workers for hire. A shipment of the piglots crashed on the planet and Ruff is sent to investigate the wreck. This leads to possibly the dumbest thing in any story told in the history of mankind, except for maybe how Bob the caveman melted after trying to swim in the hot glowing jam, and even then, this competes with that kind of stupidity. Let me set the scene for you. Ruff is sent to explore an alien ship wreckage and he has an analyser for, what else, analysing things which he doesn't know what they are. OK, he reaches the alien ship and comes across an unbroken test tube of green liquid which is glowing. Now, what would YOU do in this case? Analyse it? Avoid it? No joke, here's what happens. Ruff picks up the test tube. "Hmm, what's this?" *GULP* Directly after saying "What's this?", seriously not even half a second elapses, he drinks it... My jaw hit the floor when I saw this. WHAT?! How... f@&king stupid is Ruff?! There was an analyser, right there. No, he HAD to drink it, after questioning what it was verbally. He must have had a flashback from his days working as a PAINT TASTER! "What's this? Neon Green? YUM! Tastes like dying brain cells and cancer!" Then Boss, apparently also having a hobby snorting paint, then congratulates Ruff. If Boss had any more sense than a bag of rat testicles, he would've chewed Ruff's ass out for doing something that f@&king stupid. The really bad part is that apparently the green goo he drank was essentially the same stuff Dr. Jekyll drank, only without the whole messing with personality aspect. It made him really big and he can jump higher and does more melee damage. *sigh* Why are the incredibly stupid ones such lucky bastards? No, I mean that in this game. It's very much apparent that Cecily and Ruff are dating, but never really does anything to pay off this particular fact. Maybe it's because Cecily on the rag, but that's beside the point. Well, Ruff also finds out that the piglots are all over the planet and he has to get them back.
As the story continues, there's a reoccurring boss fight with a guy named Dr. Armageddon. SPOILER WARNING: Deep in the story, you find out that he essentially IS Mr. Hyde, and when he's Dr. Jekyll, his main job is spouting exposition and NOTHING ELSE. He says that the piglots become unstable if not given a vaccine, and the Vanocore sisters wanted to sell the piglots as pets so they could make millions on selling the vaccine. Wait, you been sending all of the piglots to Boss the whole time... Well, I hope his drunk ass likes being devoured by vicious space monstrosities. Choo-Choo! All aboard plot hole station! Anyway, the next and final mission of the game is about stopping the Vanocore sisters, which look like ugly Hellraiser rejects. The sad fact is that there basically is no story up until this point. Other than the sad attempt at character development, being climaxed at by Boss, and putting up with Ruff's inconsistancy and Cecily's period. Which does make the game overall boring. However, the dialogue is unintentionally hilarious because it's so bad so that at least keeps interest in the game alive.
The gameplay is where the term "adorably bad" starts to test my patience. Mainly because it's BORING as well as s#!t. The main gameplay is Ratchet and Clank, except with tortuously long ass levels pushing the boundaries of what is humanly possible with dying of boredom. Ratchet and Clank's levels weren't exactly short, but the levels actually had life to them and fighting the enemies wasn't like trying to thread a needle on a record player in the middle of a rave. The game has both melee and gun focus, but apparently the developers couldn't handle making this kind of game. The melee combat has combos where it's possible to push the target out of range of the combo with the first blow, and an auto target with the guns that will target the gnat on the wall behind the giant robot which fired 3 health bars worth of energy blasts at me, and the dodge move only seems to work when the game gets bored of making the player fail. BUT WAIT, the game mixes it up with motorcycle sections every now and again. However, these are just as bad as any other vehicle section. The time limit is generally unforgiving, and it's incredibly easy to fly off the handle and get killed. Luckily though, these sections don't affect your overall life total. So, that's something I suppose.
In conclusion, this game is completely stupid, incomprehensible, and overall a total train wreck. BUT, it's really funny because this game is often just ridiculous. It's fun to make fun of it, which is more than I can say for Sonic 06. So, the game is more enjoyable than Sonic 06. Not saying a lot. An agave cactus penetration is more fun than Sonic 06. BUT, if you can get through the absolute s#!t gameplay of Ruff Trigger, there's great fun to be had.