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Life Moves in Different Directions

I think it's high time I posted an update here. To be honest I don't know who still reads my blogs anymore. It seems like all the people I once knew here at GS have either left or moved on to bigger and better things. I guess this post is mostly for my own benefit, to get my thoughts out in some way.

I was just going through the list of my older blog posts and it's very interesting in a way to see the changes I've undergone in my life. I have been on GameSpot for close to 11 years now. 12 if you count the year or so that I was lurking in the shadows and just reading other people's posts. I am 26 years old now. 11 years ago I was 15, just a boy. I have gone through hard times, and some really great times as well. I have grown so much in that time and it brings a smile to my face when I can juxtapose the differences.

In a way though, it's very bittersweet. I miss being a young, naive, carefree kid. I miss spending my nights chatting with complete strangers about our shared love of gaming, and (at the time anyway) wrestling, and whatever else was the most important thing in my life at the time. I also bared my soul here on occasion and these same strangers were here to lend a hand. They walked with me. But I don't mean to reminisce in the past. Life has a forward path and so I have to keep evolving.

Today I graduated from my Master's program. I spent the last 14 months of my life going through a grueling and intense program filled with long nights studying and so so many assignments. I felt like I didn't have a life at times. Like I couldn't even really see my friends or family. But then again, the people around me in the program became friends, and even family. And so today was another bittersweet moment. A happy time because I finally feel free of my school shackles, but a sad time because I don't expect I'll ever see some of these people again.

It gave me an opportunity to think back at the past year and I have had good times and bad. I have gone through some heartache, some soul searching, and even some dark times, but with it the hope of a promising future, and maybe even a new budding relationship. I am in love again and I am trying very hard to make something happen. It's not easy for me anymore to open my heart up to someone else, but it's a necessary risk in life. I've come to a certain cross roads in my own life and I realize that if I don't propel myself forward, I will always be standing still. I don't know that everything will be ok, but I am going to make an honest effort of it.

And so I graduated today. I walked across the stage, received my fake diploma (the real ones get mailed months later apparently), shook a few hands, posed for a few pictures, and eventually when all the goodbyes were said, I was on my way. Goodbye school. Goodbye tension, fear, stress. Goodbye friends. Again, bittersweet.

I am up right now contemplating what to do for the foreseeable future. Apply for jobs and start a new career. Sit for the CPA exams so I can add even more letters to my name (I'm up to BS and MBA now). Eventually within the year, I would like to have moved into my own place. And with a little bit of luck and a lot of exposing myself to the elements of heartache, I would like to be in a relationship again. Those are my goals in life right now. For the most part, I think they are perfectly achievable. Tough, but no challenges I haven't faced before.

I've also decided to finally start writing again. I am up to a measly two pages right now of my so called new novel, but I poured a significant amount of myself into it and I think it's gold so far. I'm not yet sure about where I want to take my story. So far I've been free flowing and writing things that are coming naturally from my mind. It's an interesting way to write, but the results are equally fascinating. I suppose whatever I end up writing will come to me on its own. Who knows, maybe one day I will be a successfully published author. That would really be something, wouldn't it?

Anyways, my life so far has taken a very positive turn. Looking back and seeing who I was, and who I've become today, I can honestly feel good about it. I have come to realize that life moves in different directions. Sometimes those directions lead us to bad places, but as the great Led Zeppelin have etched in history, there's still time to change the road you're on. Do what makes you happy. Do what makes you of value. Take charge of your life, put yourself out there, and live! That's what I've learned this past year. That's what I'll use this next year to keep moving forward.

I'll leave you with this final remark. [Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value. – Albert Einstein]

A Decade on GameSpot

Well, life's been so brutally busy lately that I almost didn't realize it, but yesterday was officially the 10 year mark of my joining this website. I honestly wish I had more time or energy to reach into myself and pull out something profound to say, but things really have been busy for me. Life is at a very interesting point now and I'm making great strides towards my future. In a way, it's sort of bittersweet to celebrate this anniversary because when I look back, I see a lot of things that I've come to miss. The innocence, the intrigue, and even the sweet amounts of free time I had. Things are different now. I was only 15 years old when I joined this website. I feel like I grew up simultaneously while being here. And it's been quite a journey I'll tell you that much.

There were 2 boards that I'd like to tip my hat to, and those are the World Wrestling Everything Union, and the Gathering of Stalker (or SKS) Union. I'd like to say to anyone from either union still around that it was a pleasure getting to know you and I enjoyed the journey.

And sadly, both of these boards were wiped out when GameSpot decided to change everything up. I guess that's a sign of the times.. everything I knew around here is gone. Perhaps that's my cue to finally hang it up. This place changed without me and it didn't even skip a beat, even though to me it meant a lot more than that.

The thing is, that despite my busy schedule now, I still am and forever will be a gamer at heart. I know that because I still play video games today. I still go out and buy the ones that mean something to me. I still get excited at the thought of playing them. Make no mistake, this is not goodbye. I am not leaving GS. I am simply.. I guess you would call it scaling it back. You see without a home (like the 2 boards I mentioned earlier) I feel like a ronin now -- a wandering samurai. I don't quite belong to any particular place. I will stick around and post occasionally on game boards where I feel I have something to contribute, but even those are basically empty since GS split the GS/GF communities. It's turned most boards into desert towns.

Long story short, I'll be here. I am after all a veteran here at GS. I can say that now. I've earned my keep. I just don't think I'll be around as much as I would've liked. GS has changed a lot during my stay. I have a feeling it'll keep changing. For now though, I'll be a wandering samurai. Perhaps one day I can find another home, and more people to keep me interested in this place.

It's been a hell of a ride. If I had one last thing to say, it would be this. Keep gaming.

7 Years On GameSpot

October 21, 2003 was when I first joined this website, so I guess this marks 7 years on these message boards. To be honest I was reading a lot of topics and reviews on this site for over a year prior to signing up, so it's really 8 years (but we'll save that discussion for another day).

Looking back at it I think I've grown a lot since I joined. I've seen this place go through a lot of changes. I was here during the lithium boards, I was here when they switched to those obnoxious bright blue boards, I was here for the merging of GS and GF (and the wars that were going down). Yup.. so many memories. So many friends have come and gone.

And I look forward to many more years to come. To all my friends here, thanks for helping me kill time during the last 7 years ;)

Welcome all my friends to the show that never ends!

Ladies and gents, welcome again to my next installment of the thing we call a blog entry!

No... I don't have any fancy, insomnia induced, sleep deprived, 3AM written poems for you guys. Instead I'd just like to update you on my life right now.

I recently finished school (and by recently I mean like a few days ago) so all the pressure and stresses of that are gone for the summer. I think I did pretty well in everything except for english class because my teacher was a real b-word. The only good thing that came out of this is the fact that I don't have to ever take an english class again in my life. Hoorah!

I've been pretty much hanging out with friends this weekend and on Xbox Live. L4D still feels unfinished for me so I'll be playing it a little while longer, then I'll get back to Halo 3 and maybe a little GTA4 just to mess around.

I am contemplating getting some new games for the summer. I think Mass Effect will be one of them since I'm a fan of good RPG style games and that looks like it would be. I think I might also get Prototype, seems like an awesome game when you're angry :P If anyone has any games to suggest, I'm all ears.

To the fellow stalkers of the SKS, I apologize for my absense lately, I've been very very very VERY busy with school and finals and aside from popping in every once in a while, I was unable to do much. That's all gonna change however as I'm pretty much free now. If I'm not on during the day,I will of course be on late at night as I am a zombie and do not sleep :lol:

Other than that, I've been looking to purchase a new car recently. It's gonna probably be a used bad boy because I don't have that much money lol and I'm trying to keep the price under 10k. Do you guys have any suggestions?

Anyway, that's about it for me right now... life's been ok. Everything's good. Hope the rest of you have been good. I'll see you guys around on the forums and hopefully on Xbox Live if you get a chance to.

I'll be back with another update some other time.

The Pain In My Mirror

Life just isn't easy these days. Study destroys the mind, to keep you guessing. I was a bookworm and a nerd, yet I followed that lifestyle with pleasure. I was social enough to widen the walls of my boredom. My mind kept racing back to that need. For you see, as humans, we all need. We like to feel in the same way we like to sleep in during the morning rush.

As with all sorrow, my story begins with a tear. It begins with love, and it ends with a tug of my strings. I knew nothing about the concept when I came to, yet I learn quickly, and through that method I have adapted. I am not noble enough to acquire beliefs in my wisdom however I am wise in my experience. The girl, she melted in my arms. It was like a fairytale. One that begins with a happily ever after and ends with a conflict. Have you ever heard of such a tale? I have. That tale, is my life.

I have wandered far and wide across the galaxy of my universe, searching for hope, and hope I did not find. Instead, I found something better. I found a use for my existence. That tyranny was overcome by pure wishfulness. I was not obsolete in my world anymore. And the best part of it all... was the thought of that feeling being shunned my way. I was not alone after all. I had found my match. This is where the shadows fall. The sky, so dark and cold, grew fonder upon my face. I had exceeded my passion, and alas, it was not in tune.

Over a year went by as my passion fell deeper and deeper into the pit of sorrows, where no man returns. I had loved once. That was that and this is now, however I knew better. Yet, I fear I didn't. As the walls came tumbling down I created a barrier around myself, hoping to shield my inner justice. However the clouds of change were all around my eyes. Raindrops fell to the cold hard floor. I had lost this fair game, and a loser I have become.

Charlie Brown once said, "Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." Oh how right you were. These feelings won't light my way anymore. I have tried time and again to fuel my heart into the state of right and yet, I feel despair. Confrontations are made to break down the asylum of my mind. These walls are far too cracked to retrieve any truth. Someday, maybe she'll come back to me. I fear for the future as I have always. The anxiety has been killing my ego and my pain is reflecting. It shines onto me tenfold like a sun in a mirror.

When I look into that mirror, I see nothing. There is no embodiment of my woes, only the lingering shadow that falls upon my eyes. I see pain in my eyes. Perhaps the mirror just needs a good wipe... but maybe not. I don't know how long this will go on, and the stars are dimmer tonight. Perhaps when my mirror is done cracking, I can start reattaching. For all the world to care, for all my heart's content, I am no more tonight. This is who I am and tonight, I am not. My troubles have excessive force, but let them pass me by unafflicted. I look up to the sky, as I always have. Gods of love and anguish, won't you make my troubles dissappear?

Happy Holidays Gamers and Friends

Back again with another blog here so I'll update you guys who care to read on a few stuff.

First off, finals are officially over for me. I do have a project to do and to show up to 2 classes again, but the testing is over. I'm relieved. This means that I get about a month and a half off from college to do whatever I please. This will likely involve a lot of gaming and snacks.

Second, the holidays are coming up. I don't know exactly what Santa's gonna be bringing this year ;) but my girlfriend is helping out the gaming cause by donating Halo 3 into the mix as well as a neat rocker chair thing. It's one of those gaming chairs that rocks when you sit on it and has wireless speakers in the headrest. It's gonna be a lot of fun this winter gaming with you guys. I do plan on getting Xbox Live as well for the holidays so I'll be online a lot.

Continuing, I recently got a new HDTV in my room. It's only 32 inches, but it gets the job done :D . I also got an HDMI cable to hook up my 360 to and it looks beautiful on the sleek LCD screen. I truly enjoy gaming more than ever now because visually it looks stunning. I recommend it to all who can afford to shell out some extra money for an HDTV and an HDMI cable.

I would also like to thank some of the members at the SKS Union for cheering me up. Lately I've been in some bad moods due to school, work, overwhelming stress, things like that and it's nice to be able to hang out at a place like that where everyone is sarcastic and fun. dQ you're a great guy, beard and all and thanks for inviting me to the Union. The1, Smitti, Dan, Wolves, MAFFSTER (happy? :P) everyone else I forgot :P thanks for making GameSpot fun again. As you may or may not know before I came to that union I was out of GameSpot commission for over a year. I was still posting here and there but not to the level of belonging anywhere so I really felt left out until now. Being a big gamer I was quietly turned into a casual gamer with everything going on in my life so it's nice to be able to go back to the way I was again.

I can't wait to be able to game with some of you guys on Xbox Live. It's gonna keep me from going insane this winter :P

Also, I wanna wish everyone a safe and fun winter break. Happy holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Chanukah, Happy whatever else you celebrate, and Happy New Year guys. Until next time I blog, take care.

Life, School, and Everything In Between

Hey guys and girls, I know it's been a really long time since my last blog post, over a year. (Wow, time does fly).

Just thought I'd give you an update on everything if you care to read. I know a lot of you call yourselves my friends and maybe you used to, been out of touch lately to really be sure. My life is as it always has been, a hectic mess of doing everything last minute and half assing whenever I can.

I gruaduated school last year and am now in college. It's alright, schedule is a little hectic compared to others, but it's doable. I have Wednesdays off which is good. I'm really looking forward to Thanksgiving weekend as I get a whole week off. I'll likely be doing some gaming on my 360. If anyone is up for some GTA4 multiplayer I'm up for it. Let's party mode it up baby!

Life is pretty good. Last year I asked a girl at my high school out and we are still together. I really think I found the one person I'll always love. She's perfect, looks beautiful, can put up with my crazy gaming, and loves hearing my corny jokes. We had our one year anniversary in September and it's crazy to think I'm finally done with all the heartbreak and mess involved with dating around.

Last year, unfortunately, my grandpa passed away. It's been a year now and my grandma came over from Europe for a few months. I feel really bad for her. I can imagine what it's like losing your significant other.

Over the last two weeks I've been trying to take it easy. Been in a lot of stressful situations lately and school is a pain because they've been dishing out tests and essays like there was no tomorrow. As I would in any situation, I turned to my drug of choice for help, video games. I bought two classic video games recently. SdvsRaw07 (which I own on PS2) and Hitman Blood Money (also own on PS2). I guess since I no longer use my PS2 I wanted to have some copies for my 360. It's also fun going back and rebeating everything. Keeps my mind off the tangled mess that is school.

Let's see...what else... oh, I've been getting into my passion lately, which is filmmaking. I love putting special effects in movies and I must say I've improved a lot over the past year. Last summer however I was arrested whilst shooting a short action movie. We were using some props you may know as airsoft guns. Apparently, the police freaked out and cuffed us and charged us with possession of a firearm (3rd degree). Now I gotta do 60 hours of community service because the cops couldn't show some pity or judgement. Oh well, water under the bridge. I've already completed 36 hours.

I have my finals coming in December. After that, 2 months of winter break. This is one MAJOR difference I've seen in high school and college. I must say, I love it. It's like a summer vacation in the middle of the school year. I'll likely be doing a lot of gaming and I'm going to try shooting another short movie. This one will contain explosions and everything, it'll be over the top.

Anyway, just giving ya'll an update on my life. There's so much more and it's getting kind of late. Got an early class tomorrow morning so I have to hit the hay. Let me know how the rest of you guys are doing. Been out of touch with everyone lately.

ZZ Top And One Crazy Night In NYC

So last night was the night I went to see ZZ Top in concert...well, let's start out from that morning.

I went into school that morning very nervous. Mostly because I had 2 tests to take. Both tests were in the morning and after that I was pretty much home free. At the end of the day my school decided to have a pep rally. Awesome! After the pep rally, as if the day couldn't get any better, play practice was cancelled (and I had a HUGE monologue I needed to spit out from memory alone).

Now before I even leave school, my gf decides she wants me to hang out a little with her. That's fine... but little did I know hang out meant go to some random place in the school where no one else hangs around and make out. :P lol.

So after that I get into my car and drive home, and pretty much I shower and get ready. I pick up my 2 friends going with me and we head over to the train station. We arrive at NYC around 7. Here's the thing though, show starts at 8 and it's a good 40-something streets away. So we decide to hoof it. lol. Now there's about 10 minutes left and my friend decides he's hungry. lol and me...I can't resist food. So we hit up McDonald's and then we walk with food in our hands. The entire time, no matter how fast we walked, every time we came up to a light this little old lady always somehow got in front of us. Haha it was the funniest thing, we were like "woah! didn't we just pass that old lady?" It was as if she was faster than us...

So we get to the show at about 8:15...late of course.. and it's actually all right because Blackberry Smoke was opening for ZZ Top... and I'm not really a huge fan of Blackberry Smoke. We get our shirts and then get into our seats.

Let me just say this, ZZ Top was AMAZING! They were very funny onstage and their music was great.

After the show we realize we gotta walk another 40-something blocks back, but we only had less than an hour because the last train would leave and we'd be stranded in NYC all night... so we get a cab and ride there. So once we're on the train we get bored and decide to sing out loud. So here's myself and 2 other people singing random songs on the train while people stare. Fun, right? Yes, but not so fun when you realize that you were too busy to pay attention to the stops because you were singing!

We get off 2 stops after our town... there are no more trains for the night, we're hungry, alone, cold, stranded in some weird town at 2am, and above all, I had too much soda to drink! Man... when nature calls, nature calls!

So anyway some poor defenseless tree has to endure my soda, lol, but after that we're still lost. After walking a mile in the WRONG direction (lol...yes, we really did) we decide to turn around and try to get to our town. Eventually though my friend's sister picks us up and drives us to the town where I left my car.

So now it's like 3am and we decide we're hungry. And no... White Castle doesn't work for us...we need WHITE ROSE! So after a 15 min drive we get some burgers at 3am and then we decide to call it a night. Did I mention there was this huge spider crawling in my car!? I killed it but...man that was a close call.

I take everyone home and then when I finally get home its close to 4am. My parents...for some reason, are still up and worried (even though I told them I'd be home late). And they...are....PISSED!

Basically it was a fun night, we got to see an amazing legendary band, and above all, 3am burgers sure do hit the spot. I woke up at 3pm today lol. It was worth it though and I gotta do it again sometime. Oh and my friend and I are seriously considering flying over to England one of these days just to see Led Zeppelin... that's thousands of dollars and thousands of miles right there just to see them. My parents won't like that idea...but we may just have to do it.. lol

Summer Plans

Hello ya'll. It's been a while and it's good to be on. Anyway basically my absence is due to work. Finishing school was an amazing treat, but I've been working almost every day. I'm making quite a few bucks if you know what I mean so it's been worth it.

As if my absence hasn't been bad enough, I'll be leaving GS for another 3 weeks due to a good old fashioned Eurotrip. It should be great fun. My plans afterwards include more work and of course, some cash spending, because I do love expensive things. I recently ordered a Windows Vista Ultimate, quite the big price tag there. I plan on ordering a Zune too and maybe some accessories for my 360. I've been trying to get on the Live bandwagon so hopefully by the time I get back from my Eurotrip I'll join some of you guys on some online gaming, so be on the lookout for me.

For you fellow WWEv'ers who are reading this, what are some good games coming out soon that you guys will be getting into, I'd like to play some of you guys online. Also make sure you get that CoD4 beta this summer that should be a blast.

Anyway until next time I post another blog, I'll see you guys around. I'll try to post a few times on WWEv if I can but I don't know if I'll have the time.

Also, 6 days til my bday! I'll be celebrating it in Europe however so I won't be able to stop by and blog about it, but if you happen to get on here leave a comment if you wish I'll check it when I get back. See ya guys.

The Inner Workings Of An Insane Mind

Written By Ervin


We seldom lose focus in life, and the directions we take are not always as navigational as they seem to appear. It is in our minds where reality truly takes place. The thoughts we keep to ourselves, the overwhelming desires, and even the jaunting voice in our heads, is where we seek our advice. It is the inner monologue that can't stop narrating every waking moment of our lives. Are we destined for a real future? Or do we just ponder into it, creating passionate goals we can never reach for as long as we have to reach them. Impossible is nothing, one might say, but we know better. In reality, we love to fail. We accept it and we await it. Never have we failed to set up a safety net for ourselves as we expect the worst. Failure was a seemingly daunting illusion, but it has become a susceptible reality within our dreams.

In the pandect of things, we are all insane. When was the last time anyone was ever real? When has any heartfelt emotion, whether it be love or pure hatred, when has it ever been real? Perhaps it is our mind that tricks us into believing we can feel. In a tangible world, we are all expected to feel the outburst of the emotional color spectrum. The vivid light that binds to our souls, flaring with red hatred and blue calmness. From the loathing brightness of the vast yellow to the eerie calamity of the greys, shading our lives away. The ruins and the caverns in our minds echo with grim laughter as we hide away forever.

What is but what has always been? A voice in our minds. A little tiny creature that we feed and care for. And sometimes, we starve. We crave its attention so we imbibe it, and strike it, and we hope that we get that attention that we've been tracing for so long. What if we want this? What if we force anger and hatred towards ourselves? Is there really such a thing as self control? Maybe there is. Maybe the little monster we've been raising inside of ourselves is really just a part of us we've neglected. Are we to believe this darker side of ourselves that has spawned has always been? That it has always existed? Is that what we're really looking for, our own selves? In the scoped surrounding of this frenzy, it is expected that a part of each and every person has occupied a dark corner in the mind. It tries to show itself by hinting at such relentless unplausable illusions as love. It tries to mock the host with a burning desire for want. We all want. We all crave the attention we never really deserve in the first place.

What is love anyway? It can be seen by many as a buildup of memories we enjoy. We like to love. We almost want it. It isn't until we have love that we realize the true meaning of the term. It doesn't exist, and it never will. It is but mere shreds of unrequited motive to be in the vacinity of something good. A person can never hold such a thing. It is too vast to be inundated whole. In reality the demon creeping in and out of our minds, the bad thoughts we supress, uses love. Love is a weapon. It has been designed to cause pain. A broken heart is nothing but a stab at an old memory we found attractive. In our minds we can bend and twist the emotional color spectrum to torture ourselves.

So we cry. We sit there and cry and loathe ourselves for distant losses. Is it at all possible that we like to feel? The idea of a perfect being, a godly figure of unmatchable power, is crossing the line. We like the feeling of vulnurability. When taken into consideration, it is our safety net. Our defense against failure. Failure is our shield against failure. What better way to protect than using the intrusion against itself. A broken shield of broken dreams. Heart shaped armor with tearful cracks running into itself. So we cry again. Hopeing that it can make us feel better. Hopeing to give ourselves the illusion that our sorrows can all be repented like we seem to write our sins away. When the truth comes out, we are all insane. We grieve over trials and tribulations we create. The depth of our minds has been a stored piece of our own puzzle for ages. We fail to see its outline. Love does not exist, it is the wisp of the outer reality. The truth of the matter is that reality exists only within the shell we call our minds. It can't be forgiven, only accepted. We are all insane.

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