Reaching The End
As I said in the beginning of my last blog entry, for the past year or so I've had a nasty habit of writing blog entries and either posting them and quickly deleting them afterwards, or just not even posting them. There's a good reason for this, and one of those "undiscovered" entries exposes why that's the way things have been (kind of). This entry reflects the way I feel now more than ever before. Yet it still doesn't do my current feelings complete justice, and so I will simply use this year-old rant as a reflection and foundation for discussion of my much more profound feelings.
Note: This is a really long entry and it's only going to have a few stupid pictures (I still have to keep up a certain tradition).
Well, I'm finally finished with another semester of college. Overall, I feel pretty good about this one, but I must admit, I did a half-assed job on the exams. I'm hoping that doesn't take my grades down too much. Anyway, I haven't really spent a lot of time at GS lately, mainly because I've been way too busy, but there's also another thing stopping me… I'm tired of this place.
Note: This is a rant that's been a long time in the making, so it is naturally all over the place with no sense of direction whatsoever, and I honestly don't care about this **** anymore, but it's fun to type it because I used to care. I'm not directing this at anyone specifically; I'm just making numerous, irrational generalizations based on my past experiences with these forums. It's true, yet sarcastic – I guess it's up to you to figure it out.
Here I am, a level 60 poster… I should be celebrating right? But, really, let me be honest, this forum "achievement" is just a sad reminder of how much time I've wasted here arguing with people who are just as equally stubborn as myself. I don't regret blogging or being a part of any unions or any of the conversations I've had with you folks (you know who you are), but most of my time was spent in places like System Wars and Off-Topic. Needless to say, that wasn't time well spent.
After saying that, you might find it odd that all of my most recent posts are in System Wars rather than the places I actually like talking in (The Drunken PC Snobs Union, among others). Honestly, I don't know why I started posting there again (I was bored), but I've noticed something about that place; something that I've noticed before, but this time it was much more profound. The people there are afraid of opinions.
Before you respond with a link to the "Internet: Serious Business" gif. I'd like to say that I know the place is a "joke" – I was ******* around with my latest posts, so obviously I'm not taking it seriously (these days). That said, I can just tell that a lot of people there do take it seriously contrary to what they'll claim. If people there didn't take it seriously then there wouldn't be countless threads with endless arguments. I don't care what you say; it is not a "joke" when you spend hours of your life debating the complexities of a videogame's quality. I know this because I was a dumb-**** loser who used to do that stuff for countless hours. It's only a joke if you can let the "argument" go, and most people can't do that in System Wars, so if you ask me they are in denial when they say it's just a "joke". Thankfully, I can "let it go" these days.
Ok, back to the point… the people of System Wars are afraid of opinions, and that's why it's a boring place. If I say "PC gaming is the best platform", they'll just say "well that's your opinion". Of course, it's my opinion you stu… wonderful-super-intelligent-master-debater! What's wrong with you? Is there something wrong with having an opinion? Well, I know I'm right about everything, so I guess my opinions are facts, but still… opinions make the world interesting. Without them, we would all share the same thoughts and feelings. Why would you want to live in a world like that?
These days, the very essence of that place is being a "manticore" an "unbiased" owner of all systems. It's the fact that you own all systems which supposedly makes you "unbiased". Maybe you'll show your preferences, but when someone says something mean about a system, you have to defend it – even if you secretly think it sucks. For example, someone will say, "the Wii is a horrible system, that offers virtually nothing to the hardcore gamer" and as a manitcore you'll have to defend it by saying, "Wow, you're such a fanboy!" You owned that ****** good didn't you! Except you failed to ask yourself the question, what is it in this statement that makes this person one of those stupid "fanboys"? They didn't really say anything positive, just a bunch of negative stuff about the Wii. So does that really make them a fan of something or just some person who doesn't like the Wii? By the way, for those of you who didn't know, I think the Wii sucks.
Then there's the Off-Topic forum. In that place you have to post pseudo-intellectual crap to get "respect" or at least a response from someone. Either that or you have to make some sort of "witty comment" (I've had some fun conversations this way, but most of them are dull). You have to do the "college" thing and go against the grain, even if you don't truly believe in what it is that you're arguing. As long as it's edgy, it's good – it's intellectually "stimulating". Following this philosophy, you get a bunch wonderful threads with a bunch of wonderful people justifying pedophilia (I've seriously seen a thread like this in OT). They say, "I'm no pedophile, but I'd be fine with my children being around one, even if their interaction gets physical because I took a philosophy cIass and Plato said it was ok". Really? For some strange reason I seriously doubt you'd be alright with that, you stu… intellectually-superior-master-of-off-topic-debate-who-cannot-be-reasoned-with.
I can debate you for weeks and we'll still never agree! Aren't I skilled?
And that's what is universal among all forums, or so I think. Among the good people there are a bunch of pretentious bastards who destroy all the fun. They can't be reasoned with; they can't have fun. Their sole intention is to make infinite arguments. Sadly, I was one of these people, but I'm not that way anymore. I like to provoke people, yes, but now I don't do it to annoy people, I do it to get them out of the typical serious conversation that they participate in every time.
Really, the whole point of this entry is that I'm tired of people being false. People should stop lying to themselves and just be who they really are. Stop all this dog-crap about looking smart and start posting what you really think, or if you are" joking" be "serious" about it and don't freak out when someone disagrees with your "joke". The Wii sucks, that's my opinion, Halo's story is worse than Serious Sam's, that's obviously a joke, the sad part is, some can't figure it out. I can't be the annoyingly sarcastic ****** ****** I want to be because that'll get me banned and I can't be brutally honest without the risk of hurting others feelings, so I don't see the point in posting in this place. It feels so damn restricted.
All this stuff said, you and I both know that I'll post here again. I want to come back and create some killer blog entries, but for the moment, I can't form any opinions because I don't care enough. Maybe it's because I've avoided ****-mounds like System Wars that I can't be inspired to write about anything game related that's actually interesting. I don't know if you noticed, but my past few blog entries (except the most recent one) were totally uninspired, and that really sums up how I feel about posting on GS. I don't have any gaming-related inspiration anymore.
Honestly, as I look back, I realize that I've always had a strange connection to this place. I know, as bad as things are, I don't have to justify my absence. But this has always been a place where I can expose—to a degree—my feelings that I would otherwise feel uncomfortable discussing with people I truly know. I hope I'm not coming off as pretentious in dedicating a long entry to my "leaving" or whatever it is because I'm really doing it because I feel that I still owe my GS friends something. I can't just leave... I have to say goodbye in some way.
As I find myself moving on in life, I find that I must also leave this place. I have been a part of GS for almost 7 years, and during that time, I've made some good friends as well as some enemies. But the one thing that drove me here in the first place is now a drifting interest of mine. I've hit an extreme low, and in this moment, I've come to some serious realizations… my view of the world has changed greatly in such a short period of time.
The fact is, I don't care about videogame debates anymore, or so I'd like to think. And if I do care, well then that's an even greater justification for me to leave. I know I should never set things in stone because that "stone" normally gets broken whenever things get better, but I truly feel that this is the end. I haven't been posting, and whenever I do it is because I need a distraction from all of the **** that I'm facing – I rarely post here because I'm actually passionate about gaming, or so I feel.
The real reason why I feel like it's time to move on is not some stupid forum drama; I don't think I'll ever get banned for my ridiculous comments because they're just so obviously ridiculous. The real reason for leaving (or whatever) is because for the past four years I've been drifting away from gaming. And now, more than ever, my passion for videogames is at an all time low. In looking at this old rant, I realize the reason why I didn't post it. I didn't post it because posting here is actually one of the things that killed gaming for me. Writing blog entries has always been good. Maybe this is strange (since I don't truly know anyone here), but I have a lot of respect for the users who joined in with my ideas; maybe, we didn't agree all the time, but you made things fun (and you made my connection to GS powerful enough to make me feel confortable in posting stuff like this). However, I have 23618 posts and I've read 16572495 messages, and I know that way more than half of those were spent, outside of my blog, arguing about videogames and analyzing every little detail of a game before its release. Rather than focusing on why I love games, over the years I've focused on what I don't like about them.
I'm still going to play games, I think I just don't want to talk about them anymore. Postive or negative, I'm tired of it.
I don't exactly know how things are going to "end" for me, but what I do know is that my current lifestyIe is changing, and it is changing soon. Unfortunately, I'll probably have to kill some of my interests; in fact, I've already started this process. Perhaps this is going to be "for the better," but the ambiguity of my near future removes that sense of hope. Right now I'm facing two scenarios, each with multiple "routes" attached. One of these "scenarios" is really a doomsday scenario… even if it plays out the best way possible my dreams will be shattered. The other scenario is the one I'm hoping for, but even so, the multiple "routes" mentioned earlier eliminate any sense of security, and so, either way, I can't help but feel like **** right now. The fact that I've been hit by non-stop emotional haymakers doesn't help this situation. Things have just been worse and worse for me since Thanksgiving; I had hopes that my spring semester of college would bring me ease of mind, but like I said… things just keep getting worse. I know I'll probably get some sense of relief once the changes are made, but the current "worsening" motif of my life still lingers in my mind – I can't help but think that after saying to myself that "things couldn't possibly get worse" that they actually will get worse, since that's what has been happening to me. I am reaching hopelessness – I'm not there yet, but I'm close.
Strangely, amidst all of this emotional weakness, I've actually become the most physically strong/powerful I've ever been. I defeated that dumb-**** doctor who told me that I'd never be able to lift the way I did before; the one who said I'd need some fancy operation and treated me like a lab rat rather than a human being. I wanted to celebrate this, and in ways, I have, but in the end, I find that this physical success cannot exceed the power of mental ecstasy. It may supplement enjoyment of life, but alone, it can only get you so far. Each time I face a hardship, I use my lifting as an escape, but in knowing that this is my "escape," I am inevitably reminded that no matter how hard I try, there is no escape; not matter what I do, in the end, I must face my problems head-on.
Throughout the years, I've created a prison for myself. Since I am the creator of this prison, I know how to escape, but for some dumb-**** reason, I choose not to. And the scary thing is, I've never been so pissed off in my entire life – I am so ******* mad at myself, it's ridiculous. Yet regardless of this intense anger, I take no action. I choose to stay behind my self-designed bars – I haven't changed.
Perhaps this is the price I pay for hiding in my prison. Things are going to change – it's inevitable. I know it. I'm afraid of it, but life must go on regardless of how hard things get. And so, it's time for me to change. I am not gonna say that I'm "going" to change because after writing this, I will already be different.
Now I can rely on two quotes to get me through these problems. The first one is from Dune. As nerdy as it may seem, it's actually a damn fine quote, and something that I will adhere by:
"Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past me I will turn to see fear's path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain"
I don't know what this other quote is from, but it's good nonetheless:
"A strong man will break the chains that hold him; experience is the binding that molds him"
After posting this, I AM a "strong man"!