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Top 10 Drug Using Cartoon Suspects

10. Gargamel, most likely on LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in **** white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?

9. Olive Oyl, probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny? She might even be anorexic. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? They almost made the list for courting her.

8. Snagglepuss (Is this even spelled right?), can't explain it. Maybe it's the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.

7. HeMan, this is an easy one. I mean c'mon. Roid monkey #1. 'BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!!' Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the stuff in his pet tiger. Animal Abuse.

6. & 5. Yogi and Boo Boo, we all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip.

4. Droopy, the number one downer abuser in toon land. Can't someone slip him an upper every year or two? The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe.

3. Dopey Dwarf, he openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigation. Allegations that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys are partaking are afloat.

2. Daffy Duck, if he isn't using crack, Marion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from 'daffiness' but Haladol wouldn't work for him. Might for his buddy with Tourettes, Porky though.

1. Shaggy, by far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode does pot. Scooby is guilty by association. And look at the way he and his friends painted that van!


Amphibolies are syntactically ambiguous, meaning you can read them in more than one way.

Drunk gets nine months in violin case

Farmer bill dies in house

iraqi head seeks arms

prostitutes appeal to pope

British left waffles on falkland islands

Lung cancer in women mushrooms

Teacher strikes idle kids

Enraged cow injures farmer with axe

Miners refuse to work after death

Stolen painting found by tree

Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter

Never withhold herpes infection from loved one

Kids make nutritious snacks

Lansing residents can drop off trees

Local high school dropouts cut in half

Hospital sued by seven foot doctors

New vaccine may contain rabies

Include your children when baking cookies

If World War One was a Bar Fight (plus comment)

(Sorry for my lack of replies and responses to peoples posts': I am rather unwell at the moment.)

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint.

Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg.

Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view.

Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit.

Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers.

Russia and Serbia look at Austria.

Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at.

Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone.

Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.

Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene.

Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it?

Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action.

Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium.

Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.

Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium.

France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other.

Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria.

Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it.

France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.

Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting.

America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself.

By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

And then the fight started

1. When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... So, I took her to a gas station.....

And then the fight started....

2. My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

3. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me". And she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too".

And then the fight started.....

4. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And then the fight started ...

5. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started.....

6. I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

7. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started.....

8. A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started.....

Update and Further Evil.....(Part 2)

[Today is my birthday (it's awful to be getting old) and earlier this week I got a new puppy that I have named 'Nukem', he's an English Mastiff. And he's the reason I'm not finding a lot of time to spend online.]

Notes on Fortress Construction:

52. Start with a sound building. Broken windows and decrepit construction may be picturesque, but a computerized operation can't tolerate the inevitable dust, bugs, and rain; and besides, they're hell on your heating and cooling bills.

53. Instead of building a huge flashy Fortress of Evil, consider renting an anonymous warehouse, an empty office block, or a strip mall or industrial park that's fallen on hard times. It'll save money, be harder to spot, and will already have utility hookups.

54. Also consider filling unneeded space in your lab with incomprehensible but powerful-looking surplus computer equipment -- superannuated vaxen and the like, bought cheap -- to keep your minions properly cowed.

55. A stock of mysterious old equipment is also useful for chasing off intruders. Studies have shown that most secret agents will flee as soon as a few large and imposing items begin to emit sparks and smoke. An additional "it's about to blow" warning siren will cause more than 90% of international counterintelligence agents to run out the nearest exit without checking to see whether the smoking equipment is part of the evil plot they were trying to foil.

56. Self-destruct mechanisms should only be triggerable from the heart of your device/ship/fortress, and should implode from the outside rather than explode from the inside.

57. Your Command Center should have a heavily guarded room at the bottom of a 100-story subterranean shaft that contains a sophisticated bus-sized computer with a fake encoded plan, no external links, and no real function whatsoever. The real command center will be a satellite-linked laptop on a card-table with a folding chair, near the top of the elevator shaft, behind a door marked 'standpipe valves' that's accessible through the unlocked janitor's closet.

58. In an unobtrusive spot outside your fortress, plant a remotely-controlled boom box with a tape recording of a sports car speeding away. If the hero breaks in, just step into a broom closet, cue the boom box, and wait calmly while he goes off on a wild goose chase. Then come out and get back to work.

59. If possible, no exhaust ports should lead directly to the heart of the reactor core. If that is unavoidable, all such exhaust ports should have closeable reinforced blast doors at every other level, and alternate routes of venting in case of emergency.

60. Your computer systems should have uninterruptable power supplies, and your circuitry should use breakers or fuses with the appropriate tolerances.

61. Make a careful study of whatever documentation comes with your decorative old computer junk. Learn to imitate its $tyle That way, even if you foolishly succumb to the temptation to tell the hero the details of your plan, he won't understand a word of it.

62. It should never be necessary to store explosive materials and/or fuel anywhere near your central control or commuter complex. If for some reason this happens anyway, they should not be in the same room as your central computer. They should be in a concrete bunker protected by blast doors and fire prevention systems. The same goes for the vats of toxic waste, acids, and super-cold liquids.

63. All non-instantaneous deathtraps (drowning pools, trash compactors, gas chambers, etc.) should be isolated from the communications and power grids.

64. It's wise to assume that deathtrap manufacturers' brochures base their Estimated Time to Kill (ETK) on tests using non-heroes, and test only the minimum ETK. Therefore, Heroes trapped in a non-instantaneous deathtrap should remain there a minimum of several times longer than its ETK, and even then should be treated as potentially dangerous until any remains are incinerated.

65. All deathtraps will have only one way in or out. Any way out should lead to an even more cunning and fast-working deathtrap.

66. Remember: No amount of decorating finesse makes up for the lack of an overwhelming aura of evil.

Notes Regarding Ultimate Weapons/Spells

67. I will never attend an auction of an Ultimate Weapon. If it's truly as good as advertised, the auctioneer would already be the Evil Overlord.

68. Any Ultimate Weapon that requires assembly of five components scattered to the four corners of the earth can be made in my private laboratory with three times the security in probably half the time.

69. Any Ultimate Weapon that was disassembled in the distant past and its components scattered to nearly inaccessible niches across the globe could not have been that great in the first place, or else it would never have been disassembled.

70. If my Ultimate Incantation or Supreme Summoning leaves me weak and vulnerable from the expenditure of energy, I will only undertake it deep in the center of my fortress, and get plenty of sleep before applying the results.

71. There is a reason why the spell book of the last Evil Empress is available to me. If I came into possession of it through any means that involved defeat of its power, I will use it as a doorstop only.

72. Instead of going to the trouble and risk of stealing a 200 MT nuclear device and ransoming a city for the billions of dollars I'll need for my Ultimate Diabolical Plan, I'll simply open a evangelical teleministry. That way I also get a bonus Fanatic Legion that will obey my every command, should I ever need such a thing.

73. If I come into possession of, or manage to assemble the Ultimate Weapon, I will immediately use it at full power in direct pursuit of my goal of world domination. No warning shots across the bow, No "This is only a fraction of my weapon's potential!" grandstanding.

74. I will also refrain from using the Ultimate Weapon for simply offing the Hero. If it's really the UW, the Hero's efforts will come to naught anyway.

75. No Ultimate Incantation that requires sacrifice of a Virgin is worth the trouble of a) securing such a rarity and b) relying on a quality so easily cured by an amorous Hero or Heroine in a few minutes' stolen time.

76. If my superweapon can be controlled by computers or other electronic/electrical means, then there is no need for there to be only one set of controls right next to the main power source. A fake set, directly connected to a multi-amp circuit, will occupy this location.

77. While it may be tempting to use an Ultimate Weapon or Spell with a rare, almost impossible to exploit, Tiny Flaw to accomplish my goals, if many Penultimate Weapons or Spells with no such flaw can achieve the same effect, I will employ them instead.

78. I will not use area-effect, mind-altering spells as a long-term solution to civil unrest, because (a.) They wear off, or the subjects gain or breed immunity, and the population I made to love me will inevitably hate me; and (b.) Outsiders not susceptible to the initial spell will quickly become suspicious, and try to Do Something about my subjects' mindless happiness.

Miscellaneous Evil Resolutions

79. My planned assault on the rebel base will take place after my assault on the rebel base.

80. If my objective is world domination, I will not be tempted by tantalizing opportunities for absolute power, which invariably backfire. If my objective is absolute power, I will consider settling for world domination.

81. I will never enter into an alliance if I am not sure I can betray it if necessary. I will always assume my new allies observe this same condition.

82. When it is time to unite all the diverse underworld organizations into a single cohesive crime syndicate, the meeting with all my fellow under-bosses will not feature the elimination of the vociferous objectors and intimidation of the rest. It will feature the deputization of the most powerful that I can control easily and the elimination of the rest.

83. If I can't execute the Hero immediately, I can take the time to completely -- and I mean no finger, toe, or tongue wiggling -- immobilize him. A couple of rolls of Saran-Wrap plus some judicious cordage will do fine.

84. One of my close advisors will be a prolific hack novelist. If my plan matches or mimics any of his plots, it will be summarily rejected.

85. I've murdered tens of thousands in cold blood. If I can't ice the sad-eyed puppy too, I don't deserve the job.

86. If I must fight hand to hand, no matter how I outcla$$ my opponent in skill and finesse, I will fight dirty and get the job done as quickly as possible.

87. Total commitment is essential. If I discover that I have not truly and completely gone over to the Dark Side, I will immediately suspend all world-domination efforts until that last morsel of Goodness can be expunged.

88. Planting a tracking device on the Hero doesn't mean I shouldn't also use other means to track him.

89. The "safety" switch on my personal blaster and laser sword will in fact be a "reverse" or "overload" switch.

90. If I cannot take the time to create and remember a nonsensical 12 digit password with numbers, symbols, and alternate cases, I might well keep my Ultimate Plan in an ASCII file on my desktop.

91. If my Evil Offspring is corrupted by the forces of Good, I will not try to attempt to bring him back to the Dark Side. I will give him up as a lost cause, eliminate him if he goes against me, and find a suitable Evil protege somewhere else.

92. I will always keep a few Useless but Loyal Advisors on the payroll and in proximity, both to help my enemies underestimate me, and to provide a few extra bodies between the enemy and myself should my defenses be penetrated.

93. I will exploit my subjects, but not to the point of destitution, decrepitude, or desperation. I'm Evil, not Stupid.

94. If reputable prophecy dictates that I will be defeated or killed by a certain person or event, I will not waste time trying to eliminate him or prevent it. I will enjoy my power for all it's worth, as long as I can, and meanwhile devote reasonable energy to a search for new prophecy that will get me out of the first one.

Further Evil

Guidelines for Evil Empresses:

1. Beauty is fleeting, power is vulnerable. I will not risk the latter for the former.

2. I will not fret over the comparative beauty of the Hero's True Love or any Beautiful Yet Innocent kinfolk. They may be attractive enough, as peasant wenches or quivering maidens go; but I am The Evil Empress, and there is no comparison.

3. I will use my magic mirror for spying on my enemies rather than for vain attempts at preserving my position as fairest in the land.

4. I will not bed the Hunky Hero before my plan is executed, unless having him believe I am carrying his child gives me a decisive advantage.

5. While seduction has its place in my arsenal, I realize that "evil" and "skanky" are not mutually inclusive. Royal Dressmakers unable to realize this fact will be flayed alive in the presence of their replacements.

6. I will wear flats, or better yet, running shoes when executing crucial plans.

7. My slinky sorceress' robe will have a chain mail foundation garment, at minimum.

8. I will not be put off by the Hero's rebuffs of my sexual advances. If he doesn't succumb, I won't fly into a jealous rage. Instead, I'll shrug my shoulders, send him on his way, and have him picked off as he exits the fortress.

9. Where winks, suggestive remarks, and body language won't get me what I want, a well aimed semi-automatic will.

10. Sex is certainly a weapon at my disposal, but then so is a blaster. If it is not clear which weapon I should be using, I will opt for the blaster.

11. I, and my elite guards, will never assume that we have managed to confiscate all weapons or escape aids from the captured Hero. Interrogations in my private chambers will only be conducted if the Hero is completely nude. This will satisfy a number of objectives at once.

12. I will promote chivalry and urge my minions to exhibit proper behavior at all times when it is not counterproductive to my schemes. This increases the chance of running up against only chivalric Heroes, as well as increasing the surprise factor when I ditch the pretenses and get really vicious.

13. I will not seize power for my beloved son or husband or other close individual, especially since they may not, in the end, be grateful that I was so ruthless and treacherous on their behalf. I will seize power for myself and grant my loved ones small fiefdoms they can call their own, if they want.

14. If the Hero is an old lover of mine (and they almost always are), I will remember just why he is a former lover, and keep it in mind as I destroy him.

15. If I know the Hero is an old lover of mine and he isn't aware of it, I will keep it to myself. I can better exploit his weaknesses and my other intimate knowledge about him if I don't allow my identity to be revealed.

16. If the Hero says he is willing to betray his cause and accept my offer of ruling the world at my side, he will only be believed once that betrayal results in his cause's total destruction, at which point his demonstrable lack of principle will lead to his immediate execution.

17. My poison-fanged or -clawed beast minions will not be spiders, snakes and ravens, but kittens, goldfish, and canaries.

18. I will wear breakaway clothing whenever risking capture. It will facilitate escape if I am grabbed, and it will distract the captor (but not me) for those crucial seconds it will take me to either escape or steal his weapon.

19. I will wear form-fitting clothes rather than flowing gowns: they're just as, if not more, flattering and are less likely to snag on something or catch fire at the moment of triumph or escape.

20. If I require my Hag or Crone to poison someone, I will require the poison be quick and deadly rather than a mere sleep aid.

21. My Amazon Hordes will either be dyed-in-the-wool lesbians or have a nice pool of suitable comely men of their liking at home.

22. My Amazon Hordes will wear full body armor, rather than three small triangles of chain mail, which are reserved for dress occasions.

23. The infantry of my Amazon Hordes will use advanced tactics such as the phalanx and employ sophisticated weapons such as the 10' pike when closing with the enemy, but only after their archers have emptied their quivers from 200 yards away.

24. I will reevaluate any job that requires manipulating a man in my thrall. Chances are one of my Amazons could do the job with less risk.

25. Male Sidekicks are almost always corruptible with a wink and a nod, or charmable by a simple spell or potion, at least until the crucial encounter with the Hero, at which time they should be safely entombed somewhere far from the action.

26. The effort of turning female or gay sidekicks generally makes killing them the least bothersome tactic.

27. If I married into the title of Evil Empress, I will let my Overlord take the flak for the Empire's evil actions and ingratiate myself to the people with my kindness.

28. If I married into the title of Evil Empress under duress then my very first order of business must be the disposal of the Evil Overlord, since he must already know he can't possibly trust me as far as he can throw me.

29. If I married into the title of Evil Empress under duress, then using the Hero to free me of the Overlord does not obligate me to abdicate my throne.

30. If I am competing with other Overlords, Empresses and High Priests for ultimate domination, I will assume they have access to this and other lists and the brains to listen to them.

31. I will not try to turn a son (even mine) against his father, no matter how estranged they are. Blood relatives can be annoyingly sentimental.

32. I will neither repress my Beautiful but Wicked Daughter nor smother my Handsome but Evil Son. It's hard enough raising a ruling family these days without extra dysfunctional baggage. No one wants disgruntled offspring suddenly seeing the light and turning Good just because Mummy gave them an unhappy childhood.

33. Unless immortality comes with Absolute Power, I'd better be grooming my Evil Offspring to take the reins someday. It's better to carefully feed their growing lust for power by gradually increasing Imperial responsibilities than have them plotting my untimely demise.

34. If I am unfortunate enough to have a Beautiful but Innocent Daughter, as opposed to a Beautiful but Wicked Daughter, I will unconditionally love and nurture her, and be as supportive as possible of any budding romantic relationship with potential young Heroes. This will a) delay Heroic action while I study his strengths and weaknesses, b) cause emotional conflicts within the Hero that will encourage fatal hesitations or mistakes, c) provide another chance for my daughter to see things my way before I'm forced to eliminate her.

35. I will not mistreat, abuse, or plot elaborately to kill my Beautiful Yet Innocent Stepdaughter -- she's destined for something, count on it. Instead I will treat her with all the kindness and love possible while slowly reshaping her in my image.

36. However insatiable my appetites are, it is virtually guaranteed that at least one of my millions of subjects is both far more gifted at satisfying them and far more loyal to me than the Hero who seeks my destruction, no matter his reputation with the ladies.

37. My personal servants will be professional bodyguards and assassins, but will dress and behave as eunuchs and maidservants. Even if I dismiss my regular guards for a "private audience" with the Hero, these personal servants (just so much furniture after all, right?) will remain in my chambers.

38. Any bodyguard who cannot maintain concentration and discipline in my boudoir will be eliminated immediately by the others.

39. I will learn the various arts of self defense and not rely solely on muscular minions to protect me.

40. The appearance of weakness can be as useful as the appearance of strength. I will exploit the double standard for all it's worth.

41. If I must enlist the powers of the netherworlds I will first bone up on contract law. My own soul, mind, and/or (especially) body will never be negotiable.

42. If I get the bright idea to seduce a powerful yet malevolent being into becoming an ally, the actual seduction can be handled by my body double. Exotic anatomies are not to become a factor.

43. My Radiant Amulet of Power will not be worn around my neck on a thin gold chain, or on a ring that is two sizes too big for my finger. If a line of sight is required for operation, then a good strong locking watchband will do. If the amulet need not be exposed, as Empress I have far more secure hiding places at my immediate disposal -- and to hell with the glow.

44. Men already enthralled by my Feminine Wiles will just as easily take my orders when radioed from my fortress as in person on the front lines.

45. I will keep my hair under control and my fingernails trimmed. Long, loose hair is much too convenient a handle for the Hero, Sidekick or Backstabbing Evil Ally. Trimmed fingernails let me press The Button myself.

46. I will identify any phobias or nervous habits I have and undergo therapy until I can overcome them. It would be Just Too Vexing to be chased from the scene of my Ultimate Triumph because someone dropped a snake from the air vent.

47. If the seeds of discontent look ready to bloom into open rebellion, I will hire a top PR firm to create the public image that I am 1) only a figurehead and that all power really resides in the Prime Minister; 2) misunderstood; or 3) only a woman who's getting bad advice from her Council. Choices 1) and 3) give me the option to keep my head if my side is defeated by the Hero -- and leave the possibility of a sequel.

48. The internet is my friend. Using body doubles, I can inspire loyalty with www.EvilEmpress.boudoir., fear with, and utter slavish obedience with I can also sell t-shirts and other Evil Empress [tm] merchandise.

49. If there is any conceivable thing the sight of which can melt me into mawkish sentimentality, I will wear sunglasses designed to make it look like a Chia Pet.

50. If the Hero has an evil twin, the twin will probably make a far more suitable Love-Happy Stooge. Keeping this in mind, I will beware of advisors who might have a Non-Evil twin.

51. Magic Girls, no matter how frilly their dresses, high their screams, or incompetent their sidekicks, will be treated as the credible and dire threats they are, and I will direct as many, if not more resources to their destruction as I would for a more cla$$cal Hero.

Auxiliary Characters (Good).....(Part 2)

Tips for the Innocent Bystander:

71. Never take on someone that has just beaten the Hero, unless it is to distract him just before the Hero delivers the killing blow.

72. If the Evil Overlord announces to the world that he has reformed and wants only to help people, throw a party, and give away money, don't go, especially if he's playing Prince's music. If he's lying, you'll be a hostage or a statistic. If he's telling the truth, catch the next one.

73. Watching the Evil Overlord's interview on TV will no doubt be interesting, but don't be in the studio audience when he/she/it hosts "Saturday Night Live." Tape it, and wait a week or so to see if any other viewers had any seizures or mind-control problems before you watch the tape.

74. If you're riding on public transport and the Magnificent Seven board your train or bus, get out immediately and wait for the next one. Especially if they're in their street clothes.

75. If you are exceptionally attractive, stay away from banks. It's always the buxom redhead who gets taken hostage by the bankrobbers.

76. Do not run back to get your teddy bear or puppy.

77. If you have small children, keep them on one of those kid leashes when in public, so that they won't go running back after their teddy bear or puppy.

78. When a Bad Guy uses you for a human shield, certain delicate areas of his body are in striking range of your heel. Go for it.

79. If an acquaintance of yours seems to disappear every time the Hero puts in an appearance, rub some of those brain cells together and see what comes up.

80. If your child has an adult friend who frequently urges your child to clear his/her mind, or tells you that your child has "a rare gift," set your affairs in order. Your days are numbered.

81. If you are a news reporter, find a happy medium between the people's right to know and your right to not get kidnapped/held hostage/etc.

82. Likewise, if you are a policeman, bank guard, or night watchman, and your first shot bounces off of the intruder's chest, try shooting other areas of the intruder's body, like their face, groin, etc. If this also fails, do not waste the rest of your ammo on him/her/it, or risk your neck in hand-to-hand combat; instead, fall back and observe.

83. Do not attempt to duplicate the means by which the Hero gained his/her powers. You will either fail and die a lingering, agonizing death, or succeed, lose control of your powers, wreck half of the city, and make it necessary for the Hero to kill you to neutralize the threat you pose to everyone else.

84. If you associate with the Hero, you run the risk of becoming a True Love or a Sidekick, depending on your availability and mutual gender preferences. The former will involve hostage situations on a semi-regular basis, but chances of survival are optimal. The latter can be quite hazardous to your health, so avoid it.

85. If the Hero and the Evil Overlord are engaged in mortal battle, go somewhere else as quickly as possible, before you are squished by a car, the statue of the city's founder, or a collapsing skyscraper.

86. If you notice that your fellow reporter can type 1,024 words per minute, you should be able to tell that something's up.

87. If the Evil Overlord offers you immortality, superpowers, or infinite wealth, and all you have to do is something that seems terribly trivial, don't. It's a trick. You will be used as a pawn in a larger game, and then crushed like a bug.

88. Don't try to impress your significant other by emulating something that a Hero once did. Doing so usually results in said Hero having to come and save your butt. And you look like a complete loser, too.

89. When you hear reports that the Hero has been involved in some illicit activity, remain skeptical; it's probably a frame-up.

90. Never purposely investigate the Hero in order to learn his true identity. Success will get you kidnapped by the Evil Overlord.

91. If a Superhero takes up residence in your city, a nice spacious estate in the country will help you to actualize your potential lifespan.

92. If you are a security guard for a vast, powerful corporation, try to get assigned to the Marketing or Personnel departments, rather than R&D.

93. If there's a shy, quiet kid in your cla$$ that everyone picks on, treat him with respect and kindness. When his psychic powers are made manifest, you may actually survive.

94. If you are spending the night in a spooky old house on a dare, don't sneak away to another part of the house for romantic interludes with your Significant Other. Wait until you can get a nice, clean, safe motel room.

95. If you come across a body, do not walk slowly in the direction of a suspicious noise, or stand over the body in a stunned state of shock. Instead, call the police on your cell phone.

96. If your Mom or Dad is an eccentric researcher, insist on living close to civilization so that you can socialize with your peers and date. That way you'll be able to judge the Hero and the Evil Overlord on their own merits.

97. If your Mom or Dad is an eccentric researcher, insist that they teach you their specialty so you can duplicate their research if the need arises, and exercise some restraint on their schemes should they become mad.

98. If the Hero says "wait here," it really doesn't matter whether you obey him or not. If you stay, you'll be captured by the Evil Overlord's henchmen as soon as the Hero is out of earshot. If you tag along, you will be caught by the EO's henchmen as you stumble along.

99. Evil Overlords' friendly overtures are never sincere. If he is suddenly friendly to you, answer him courteously, then skip town at the first opportunity. If he has always been friendly to you, answer him courteously and feign utter uselessness in his designs.

100. Learn to control sneezing, coughing, and other bodily noises so that you won't give yourself away when you're trying to hide from tyrannosaurs, henchmen, etc.

101. If you enter a house, fortress, cave, temple, tomb, graveyard, etc., especially one with a malevolent aura or history of macabre events, and an eerie, disembodied voice orders you to depart the premises, go.

102. If the mere presence of your new sweetheart provokes a hostile or fearful reaction in cats or dogs, terminate the relationship immediately.

103. If someone chasing after someone else asks you to catch the latter, feign incomprehension. If you comply, you'll either catch the hero (and thereby play into the villain's hands), or catch the villain (who will waste you or use you as a hostage).

104. If you are a police officer, bank guard, or night watchman, and somebody breaches the concrete walls of your facility, it is generally a waste of time trying to ask them about their business.

105. If a new hero shows up who take business away from the old one, keep your distance; they're either a Bad Guy pretending to be Good, or their powers are not fully developed and will soon go out of control.

106. Do not attempt to observe the Hero's fights in person, but rather, content yourself with watching it on the nightly news.

107. If mysterious strangers appear at the birth or adoption of your child and make epic proclamations about him/her, listen.

108. Don't make friends with the Hero's True Love. You'll buy it when she gets kidnapped.

109. Do not take a shortcut through the woods.

110. Don't make the snack run alone. Bring someone else with you.

111. Do not actively try to become a Sidekick or True Love. If you really have what it takes, you'll wind up with the role no matter what you do.

112. If your corporation conducts research, don't volunteer to work after hours. That's when experiments go awry.

113. If you run a corporation that conducts research, do not fire one of your researchers without first dismantling every bit of their laboratory equipment.

114. Do not attempt to chase custom-built vehicles, even if you are a policeman.

115. If you're singled out as the Chosen One, politely ask what it entails. If the job description involves "Defeating the Darkness," and involves long years of danger and struggle, you've just been made a Hero, and the person naming you the Chosen One is your Mentor (or can direct you to your Mentor). If the job of being the Chosen One involves being pampered by half-naked temple virgins, it will end with you being sacrificed to the volcano, and the person calling you the Chosen One is the Evil High Priest(ess) who intends to perform the ceremony.

116. Any artifact named as if it were a part of somebody, especially if it really was once a part of somebody, is a Talisman of Purest Evil, and should only be dealt with in a manner pursuant to its destruction.

117. Stay away from all buildings or natural features of the landscape that resemble skulls, fists, fanged mouths, etc.

118. Before going off the beaten path for your vacation, check the police archives, and with the old people who live in the region, taking note of any mysterious deaths or disappearances.

119. No matter how hooked you are on phonics, don't try to pronounce things you find inscribed in ancient artifacts.

120. Artifacts that are found in pieces should be left in pieces. Most importantly, if the pieces of an artifact stick together during assembly without any sort of adhesive, stop!

121. When the scholar in the expedition says that the carving promises wrath on him who breaks the seal, it's time to go back to the camp.

122. When the medical examiner announces that the victim was bitten or eaten by "something weird that I've never seen before, probably some kind of animal", avoid the area where the biting/eating took place. If the victim is still alive, avoid the victim except under broad daylight.

123. Do not split up to search for the monster.

Auxiliary Characters (Good).....

If I Am Ever the Sidekick...

1. If the hero tells me to stay put while he goes on ahead, I will do so instead of sneaking around and getting captured.

2. When selecting a love interest, I will keep an eye out for the spunky, moderately attractive tomboy type who is about my height. The stunningly beautiful ones are probably spies from the Evil Overlord, and are only trying to sweet-talk valuable information out of me or tempt me over to the other side.

3. Optimism and survival appear to correlate negatively. If I find myself hopeful at all times about human nature, I will verify the status of my insurance policies.

4. I will strive to complement the Hero's skills instead of duplicating them. If I am the most inventive person ever born, I will cultivate those talents instead of trying to become another swashbuckler.

5. I will coordinate all Heroic Struggle-related activities with the Hero. If I can't tell him what I'm doing, I probably shouldn't be doing it.

6. I will not go to town for information if I am routinely beaten to a pulp for doing so.

7. I will exercise caution during the Heroic Struggle. Neither the depth of the Hero's anguish over my death nor the heat of his fury to avenge me will bring me back from the dead.

8. I will try to stay quiet and sober most of the time. If I get drunk and sing bawdy songs at the top of my lungs, I will attract prostitutes who are really working for the Evil Overlord.

9. If I am tasked to carry a very important message, I will make copies and use FedEx to get them to their destination.

10. When the beautiful captured spy offers me sexual favors, I'll decline; it's only a trick to kill me and escape.

11. If I take up the profession of arms, I will not necessarily ape the Hero's fashion sense. Specifically, I will have sleeves on my shirt, and the shirt will be buttoned.

12. If my partner is named Dirty Harry, I should realize that there is a reason for that and ask for a transfer.

13. Before accepting the role of Sidekick, I will learn how the position became vacant.

14. If the Hero sends me out on some errand, I will go, perform the task, and return. I will not drop by the tavern for a tankard of ale.

15. If the Hero does something that hurts my feelings, I shall presume that it was an honest mistake. I will not go wandering off by myself in a fit of self-pity, only to be captured by the Evil Overlord.

16. I will inform the Hero and his associates of any embarrassing secrets, so that the Evil Overlord cannot use them to blackmail me.

17. If I am flying a one-man craft which is critically damaged, I will eject. Only if the ejector seat fails will I belt out a long, despairing, agonized scream as I fly the craft into an enemy structure.

18. If the Hero has any extra-nifty weapons or armor, I will try to obtain like items for myself.

19. I will not wear a red shirt when beaming down to a planet.

20. I will not tell the Hero about my plans to settle down after the Evil Overlord is overthrown.

21. I will never open a package addressed to the Hero, or pick up his laundry, or perform other personal tasks on his behalf.

22. When the Hero tosses me his car keys, I will toss them back, and take the bus. Let the car bomb blow him up for a change.

23. I will not die and be brought back to life by the Hero with such frequency that the fans say I have a revolving door in the afterlife.

24. I will make plans for disposal of my body after I have died, so the Evil Overlord cannot use it for insidious reasons of his own.

25. Someone involved in the Heroic Struggle has an identical twin out there. I'll plan accordingly.

26. If I find a pit, I will not throw a rock into it to see how deep it is, unless this information is actually needed for some reason.

27. If I fall in love with the Hero's True Love, I will inform the Hero first, and then the True Love, so that they can help me get over it and find someone else.

28. If I fall in love with someone else, I will tell him/her now, and not shyly procrastinate, thereby dooming the object of my affection to perish just as I was getting up the courage to make my feelings known.

29. If the Hero calls for me from some dark place I did not expect him to be, I'll hit the place with some manner of illumination, ask for the password, and proceed with the utmost caution.

30. If the Hero wants me to go get something, I'll arrange for delivery. If this is not available, I'll take along a few faithful comrades. At no time will these services be performed at night.

31. If the Hero is fated to slay certain entities, the Evil Overlord in particular, this means that I will not slay them, and I should avoid trying.

32. If the Hero warns me that my girlfriend is a Servant of Evil, I am in a perverse quandary. If I believe him and terminate the relationship, he will turn out to have been dead wrong, and the resulting alienation of affection will drive her to the Dark Side. If I don't believe him, he will turn out to be right, and I will be used as a pawn by my scheming paramour. I guess the only solution is to take my sweetie on a long vacation and not return until after the Heroic Struggle is completed.

33. I will not goad bad guys with statements like "over my dead body."

If I Am Ever the Hero's Own True Love...

34. I will never take a vow to marry only someone who can defeat me. I will learn of any laws which limit my marriage options and work towards their repeal. I will decided when and who I marry, thank you very much.

35. I will not freeze in terror in the presence of monsters or servants of the Evil Overlord.

36. If I have a friend who never seems to be around when the Hero shows up and clobbers the Bad Guys, I will draw the appropriate conclusions.

37. If I am captured by the Evil Overlord and escape, I will assume that he is tracking me in some manner. If I am going to the hidden rebel base, I'll first go to an alternate location, change clothing, equipment and means of transportation, and then go to the hidden rebel base.

38. If I have a copy of the Evil Overlord's plans and my capture is imminent, I will not send the only copy of those plans away with a cute little sidekick. I will make many copies of the plans and send them away with many cute little sidekicks.

39. I will learn unarmed combat, so that I can kick Bad Guys between the legs, and put my elbow into the Evil Overlord's solar plexus when he uses me as a human shield. I will not, however, attempt to tackle a Bad Guy bare-handed as long as more practical alternatives exist.

40. I will learn armed combat, so that when the Evil Overlord and the Hero are engaged in mortal combat, I can grab some dead henchman's weapons and help tilt the odds in the Hero's favor.

41. I will practice broken-field running so that I can actually run from one place to another without tripping over every shadow, crack, and pebble along my path.

42. If the Evil Overlord tries to force me into marriage, I will insist on a ceremony so expensive that it will debilitate his industrial capacity. I will be picky about the tiniest details of the ceremony and change my mind frequently so that the resulting delay will give the Hero more time to rescue me.

43. My own sidekicks will be picked for brains, not looks.

44. Since liberated women are still allowed to have it both ways, I will not rule out using my womanly wiles to defeat the Evil Overlord. Even if it only works on Stupid Bad Guys, it never hurts to try.

45. After being forced into a compromising situation, I will not grab a weapon from the Bad Guy and toss it to the Hero when he walks in; I will instead grab a weapon from the Bad Guy and use it on him myself, before the Hero walks in.

46. Likewise, if I catch the Hero in a compromising situation with another woman, I will give the Hero the benefit of whatever doubt might reasonably exist.

47. When the Evil Overlord forces me to help betray the Hero, I will make a show of resistance and then feign capitulation. I will then use whatever resources are placed at my disposal to screw the Evil Overlord (in a metaphorical sense, of course).

48. My clothing and footwear will always be appropriate for the occasion. It will enable me to run, climb, and fight, and will hide as large an assortment of personal weaponry as is practical. It will also protect me from frostbite and hypothermia. If my clothing becomes torn in a manner which threatens to kill me from exposure or transform me into cheesecake, I'll steal a jacket from some bad guy. As I am confident that my charm, loyalty and wit are enough to maintain the Hero's love, the harem girl outfit is reserved for private moments when we are living happily ever after.

49. I will not hesitate to lie about the Secret Location of the Rebel Base.

50. If I have phobias about spiders, snakes, lightning, etc., I'll get therapy and overcome them, so that when lives depend on my ability to behave intelligently, I can do it. Since liberated women can still have it both ways, I will feign phobias in order to deceive or distract Bad Guys.

51. If I am offered a bribe, I will accept it, and inform the Hero by a pre-arranged means. The happily-ever-after will be happier if we have a good nest egg to start on.

52. The Hero and I will have a pre-arranged signal so that if one of us is held at gunpoint and the other is ordered to drop his/her weapon, the hostage will know when to duck while the other one plugs the Bad Guy.

53. Knowing that creatures with tentacles have a preference for True Loves, I will keep an eye out for them.

54. I will learn basic mountaineering skills so that when I'm dangling off a cliff the Hero can finish off the Evil Overlord instead of letting him escape in order to rescue me.

55. If I am presented with a reasonable opportunity to save the day myself, I will at least try, and not wait for the Hero to do it.

56. I will never buy an apple from peddlers plying their trade in remote places where the customer base could not possibly support them.

57. I will not give sloppy, wet kisses to the Hero until I verify that he isn't related to me.

58. I will not jump out of a lifeboat as it's being lowered over the side of a sinking ship. I'll either give my spot to a mother with a baby and join the Hero in a noble death, or sensibly stay on the lifeboat and treasure my memories of him forever.

59. I will not steal confidential information from the Hero in an attempt to further my career, thus causing the Hero's dismissal from the team assembled to save the earth and severely damaging his efforts to succeed.

60. If the Hero tells me he wants to break up with me or quit his dangerous job for my protection, it's already too late; a kidnapping is already in the planning, and I will take all reasonable precautions against it.

61. I will obtain a device that the hero can use to locate me when I, despite my best efforts, am kidnapped.

62. I will refrain from converting the Captain of the Guard to our side, as it means he will be killed while helping me to escape.

63. I will not accept gifts from the Evil Overlord. They probably contain mind-control devices that would make me giddily happy to marry him. It's demeaning enough to be head-over-heels for the Hero, let alone a creep like the EO.

64. When the Sidekick rescues me, I will dump any gifts received from the Evil Overlord. They probably contain tracking devices, which would result in the Sidekick getting killed; then I'd have to listen to his confession of undying love while he croaks, and feel obligated to say some comforting baloney before his eyes close for the last time, and then after telling the Hero about his friend's courageous sacrifice, wind up naming our first child after him.

65. There is a fifty-fifty chance that the Hero's Sidekick is in love with me. I'll find him a spunky, moderately attractive tomboy type about his height, and steer them towards each other. If they quarrel, they're in love; if they hit it off, she loves him, but he's secretly unhappy with her and still loves me, and the Hero will need to send them off on a mission together.

66. If I absolutely must scream, I'll use actual words with useful information. "I'M BEING EATEN BY A SHUGGOTH!" better enables the Hero to rescue me than does a simple ear-splitting "AAARRRGGHH!"

67. When the Evil Overlord says that he was driven to his evil by my radiant beauty, I'll just kill him.

68. I will never vow to slay the killer of my brother or other near relative; there is a fair-to-middling chance that the Hero did it, that it was an accident, and that I won't learn he did it until after I fall in love with him.

69. If someone capable of feeling pain covers my mouth with their hand, I will make use of my pearly whites at the moment when my captor can least afford to be distracted.

70. I will save my ethical dilemmas for times when I don't have an enemy at gunpoint.

Guidelines for Auxiliary Characters (Evil)......(Part 2)

Tips for the Evil Overlord's Accountant:

69. Keep a set of books listing those activities of the Evil Overlord that would be a credit to Gandhi. Show these records to anyone who cares to see them.

70. Keep a second set of books that lists the activities in the first set of books, plus those activities that look fishy at a cursory glance, but on closer examination are perfectly within the letter of the law, or maybe just bend it a little. Show these books to auditors who aren't fooled by the first set of books, and then only when the Evil Overlord has no choice but to allow examination. Keep them a bit untidy so that anyone looking at them will think you were caught with your pants down.

71. Keep a third set of books, listing everything the Evil Overlord is up to. Show these books to the Evil Overlord when he wants to see them. Show them to nobody else. Store them in thermite-packed cabinets so that they can be destroyed with extreme speed.

72. Keep a fourth set of books, listing the locations and passwords for the bulk of the Evil Overlord's loot, including the Plundered Crown Jewels. Use this information to bargain for your miserable cowardly life when the Hero defeats the Evil Overlord.

73. Keep a fifth set of books, listing the locations and passwords for a small portion of the Evil Overlord's loot, in the form of unmarked and untraceable cash. Use this information to set yourself up for retirement after the Evil Overlord is overthrown.

74. When the Hero and his allies storm the Evil Overlord's castle, hide under the Sturdy Oak Table with the other Sly Advisors until the fighting stops. If the Evil Overlord wins, it's back to business as usual; your sniveling cowardice will only stoke the Evil Overlord's feelings of superiority over you, so you will not be punished. If the Hero wins, thank the Hero for freeing you from the Evil Overlord's mind control, then show him where the Plundered Crown Jewels are kept. When nobody's looking, get the portion of the Evil Overlord's loot that you have earmarked for your retirement fund and retire.

75. Do not bother the Evil Overlord with the details of finances; math bores him. Simply remember his net worth at any given moment and be prepared to supply that figure on demand.

76. Do not embezzle from the Evil Overlord, unless you are able to cover the discrepancy by exaggerating the losses incurred by the bumbling of the Evil Overlord's other henchmen, and then only when said henchmen are dead.

Tips for Evil Geniuses:

77. I will not experiment on myself.

78. I will not transplant my mind into the Hero's brain when my test monkey is still in the laboratory.

79. None of my super-weapons will have a "reverse" switch.

80. My secret lab/lair will have excellent ventilation, automatic sprinklers, and halon extinguishers handy at every bench.

81. My glass flask holders, test tube racks, and bunsen-burner-heated apparati will be anchored to the floor or wall, not balanced precariously on a wobbly table.

82. Any ability-enhancing formula that has potential degenerative or addictive effects may be suitable to use on the Controlled Masses, but not on myself.

83. My high-energy sealed test chamber will only be operable from the outside by the combination of my hand and retinal print. If someone has relieved me of my hand and eye to get them, I'd rather be dead anyway.

84. If I can splice genes to create a 60-meter-long killer cockroach, I can also insert in said creation a susceptibility to my custom formula of Raid, which I can carry in a convenient key chain mace canister.

85. Experimental monster creations will not only have one immediately lethal vulnerability only I can exploit, but until my Diabolical Plan is ready to implement, they will also have an addiction to a material only I can supply, without which they will die in a day or two.

86. I will always have an open airplane ticket to New Zealand on hand in case my current project escapes my laboratory, starts mutating beyond control, or starts talking back to me in a belligerent fashion.

87. I will personally select the brain to be used in my life-creation experiment.

88. If I need one liter of my secret formula to implement my Diabolical Plan, I will produce ten liters and store the other nine safely in different caches.

89. I will always carry the antidote on my person. But it will be in a vial marked 'poison reserve.' The poison reserve will be in the vial marked 'antidote.'

90. If I am working on an optical mind control device, I will remove all extraneous mirrors from the lab and wear polarized contact lenses at all times.

91. I will test the strength, power, and weaknesses of all monsters I create. Better to pull back and send two monsters next time than lose one due to simple poor planning.

92. Experiments requiring a human test subject shall be performed on kidnapped anti-social bums who live alone in large cities, not someone whose disappearance will be noticed, like a coed at the local high school.

93. If I really must experiment on a teenage girl, I will not choose the buxom cheerleader whose courageous and handsome boyfriend is captain of the football team. Instead, I will choose the mousy quiet girl whose only boyfriend is the nervous head of the Dungeons and Dragons club, whom I can probably co-opt if I need to.

94. I will remember that any robot/device/mental power that can be remotely controlled from ten feet can, with sufficient preparation, effort, and/or energy, be remotely controlled from 100 miles or more.

95. Feeding of Ravenous Caged Beasts will be taken care of my redundant, automatic Beast Feeders or, if the compound is well sealed by me, extraneous underlings. No underling (especially one with a girlfriend to impress) will ever be given the keys to the cages.

96. My Android Armies will be capable of independent action, and will not rely on a central brain for coordination. Further, they will have logic-loop rejection procedures to prevent paralysis by "Everything I say is a lie" type statements.

Tips for Evil Cult Members:

97. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of an amateur.

98. Familiarize yourself with the specs for sacrificial victims, and make sure that unacceptable substitutes aren't introduced into the ceremony. If the penalty for not-to-spec work is death and/or mutilation, consider working for a more fault-tolerant deity.

99. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your deity's name in private before chanting it in public. Flash cards are helpful. Be very careful to pronounce only one syllable at a time; some deities pop up at every mention of their name, and expect to have an acceptable sacrifice waiting for them.

100. Before agreeing to impregnation by a supernatural being, investigate the survival rate of the other women who have undergone the procedure.

101. Never invoke anything bigger than your head.

102. Eschew deities whose followers are all young; such faith groups usually employ an unpleasant retirement procedure.

103. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight--it attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, and supernatural creatures, and it can be downright dangerous during thunderstorms. Its jingling also tends to warn the hero of your approach.

104. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this enough. And pastel-colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like direct sunlight to the Powers of Darkness.

105. If the spirit contacted during a seance begins offering financial advice, you're dealing with a con artist, and not a genuine medium.

106. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silver knife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cab fare, and change.

107. Fluorescent lighting is very annoying to most netherworldly creatures.

108. If a Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.

109. Followers who have a speech impediment should be excused from speaking parts in any and all ceremonies. The mispronunciation of the deity's name can have catastrophic effects.

110. Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run in while still affording ample concealment.

111. If the ritual site has some strange powder sprinkled around that wasn't there the last time, postpone all ceremonies until the site is verified.

112. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cult members could be saved every year if they followed this simple safety tip.

113. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.

114. During ritual sacrifices, it's considered bad form to take bits home "for later".

115. Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims before the ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average malefic deity have never been witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.

116. Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the ritual goes awry, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to pump full of silver bullets and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B complex, and a good hot bath.

117. Never play strip Tarot.

118. Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in nature, can stand against one who is true to his faith, his god/goddess, and the deal made in exchange for the soul. However, it is also true that gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the drop of a hat.

119. For those situations where a fresh, living, sacrifice is not available, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam is right out.

120. Instead of picking human victims who are young, virginal and innocent (and tend to turn out to be the Hero's girlfriend), see if you can substitute mass murderers, lawyers, school board members, and other people who won't be missed.

121. Register the copyrights on your chants, so you'll have a leg up when some long-haired, dope-smoking, maggot-infested rock group plagiarizes them for a fast buck.

122. Do not allow your mental condition to degrade any further than the obligations of your deity require. A good psychiatrist helps.

Advice for Aliens and Monsters on the Rampage:

123. Inoculate before invasion.

124. Don't terrorize around nuclear power stations.

125. No matter how pretty the girl is, leave her alone. It's almost guaranteed that your anatomies (not to mention your biologies) are incompatible.

126. If your planet desperately needs women, chances are you can get them without invasion by simply offering job and pay equity.

127. Don't route all power through the Mothership.

128. Don't climb tall buildings to evade capture unless you can fly from the top.

129. Always pretend to be immune to gunfire. People will only shoot at you if they think it'll do some good.

130. Don't lay your eggs in a major metropolitan subway system. Find a nice secluded cave.

131. If you can outbreed your enemies, don't go for the brute force takeover.

Guidelines for Auxiliary Characters (Evil)......

Tips for the Evil Henchman:

1. Avoid getting sent to rough up the Hero. Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going 'round to beat up the good guys is a sure ticket to the bottom of the Thames. Remember, however, that all Heroes get roughed up at least once, so if this has never happened to the Hero, go for it!

2. Avoid killing people not actively involved in the rebellion; the Evil Overlord has enough enemies as it is. Especially don't kill relatives, significant others, or best friends of the Hero. Normally after the Evil Overlord is overthrown, henchmen can get off with a few hundred hours of community service, but if you off the Hero's loved ones, he'll make lasagna out of you.

3. Unless the Evil Overlord pays extra for indiscriminate slaughter, avoid it. Why should you give your services away for free?

4. As tempting as it may be, never try to ravish the Evil Overlord's beautiful-but-wicked daughter. She can probably mop the floor with you. Daddy will not try to stop her.

5. Learn where the trap door is in Evil Overlord's audience chamber. Avoid standing there, especially when bad news is brought to the Evil Overlord.

6. As soon as the evil lord has the Hero in his power, seek the nearest available escape route. The fewmets are about to hit the windmill.

7. Learn to distinguish Heroes from Sidekicks. Heroes are usually taller and more somber, while Sidekicks dress with more flair and tell more jokes. Taking on the Hero when you only have enough manpower/firepower to take on the Sidekick will earn you an all-expenses-paid trip on Stygian Cruise Lines.

8. Never allow yourself to be provoked into doing anything stupid by insults from the Hero or Sidekicks.

9. No matter how attractive the captured heroine is or how seductively she bats her eyes, she really does not want to sleep with you. Do not unlock the cell door.

10. If the hero gives you a chance to surrender or flee, take it.

11. If you surrender to the Hero, don't try to stab him when his back is turned; the Sidekick will get you first.

12. If the seemingly helpless person you have just cornered is confident and unafraid despite being outnumbered and surrounded, you have encountered a Hero in disguise. Run while you still can.

13. If the Hero you are sent after dresses entirely in black, he is even more dangerous than the Evil Overlord suspects; double all requisitions for men and firepower.

14. Practice your "accidental" sword/gun dropping technique. It's the only thing that can save you when the Hero is winning.

15. When you have someone at gunpoint and that person says "you haven't got the guts to kill me," disprove his/her hypothesis.

16. The Evil Overlord will not risk his life to save yours. Why risk yours for his?

17. If the Hero is using you as a human shield and the Evil Overlord asks you if the Doomsday Weapon is prepared, say "no."

18. If the Evil Overlord orders you to kill some prisoners and then departs for business elsewhere, leave as quickly as possible; there is about to be a successful rescue attempt.

19. Never allow yourself to be turned into a vicious, ravening beast to defeat the Hero. It never works, and you girlfriend will not understand. She will dump you for one of the Good Guys.

20. Never hold hostages at point-blank range. Anyone quick enough to even back into the role of Hero can punch you out faster than you can pull the trigger.

21. When disposing of bodies, dump them in the Evil Overlord's territory, and not in neighboring lands presently outside of his control.

22. Find out where the Evil Overlord has installed the self-destruct switch for his secret base (the real switch, not the decoy), and disable it at the first opportunity. The base will get blown up anyway, but this way your chances of escaping are better.

23. Don't let the Evil Overlord use you as a lab animal.

24. If you can't avoid being used as a guinea pig by the Evil Overlord, any powers you gain from the experiment will make it needful for the Hero to kill you at some point during the Heroic Struggle. Change sides and take your just revenge.

25. There is no need to yell when you are attacking the Hero. Especially when you're doing it from behind.

26. The recommended method for checking to see if the Hero is still alive is to shoot him in the head.

Guidelines for Legion of Doom Troops:

27. Before performing guard duty, familiarize yourself with the sound of a tossed pebble, and learn to avoid being distracted by it.

28. When performing guard duty, do not stare continually in one direction, but take a moment now and then to look around.

29. And while you're pulling guard duty, if anyone shows up with a prisoner transfer or maintenance job, and you don't know about it, arrest them on the spot.

30. When you are fighting intruders, do not fight them quietly, but yell "Intruder!" while you still have breath.

31. When issued armor or uniforms that contrast with the service environment, respectfully inquire after more sensibly-colored attire.

32. Get plenty of firearms practice, and shoot at the Hero, not at the ground around him; kicking up lots of dirt looks cool, but it won't stop the Hero.

33. Don't attack the hero alone or in pairs. The Evil Overlord hired a million of you for a reason.

34. Learn how to lead from the rear and command from afar, just like the Evil Overlord does.

35. Exercise care in the abuse of oppressed peoples. Farm implements can be effective weapons in the hands of a skilled opponent, and some of those little old men can teach you a thing or two about hand-to-hand combat. It would be just your luck for the villager you pick on to actually be the Hero masquerading as one of the villagers.

36. Test your armor's ability to stop a minimum of one sword thrust or laser blast, and if it does not give at least this much protection, respectfully inquire after something better.

37. Make sure that your headgear allows for a useful field of vision.

38. Remember that if the Hero and/or his comrades are being purposely allowed to escape, there is no need for you to get killed in your effort to "prevent" the escape.

39. If a prisoner suddenly takes ill, notify the Evil Overlord and await his instructions. Do not go into the cell to examine him/her yourself.

40. If you're on patrol and your partner mysteriously disappears, call for backup before you go look for him.

41. If your unit's name contains words like "Imperial", "Elite", "Supreme", "Tactical", "Storm" or "Special", request a transfer as soon as possible. These guys always get clobbered first when the Heroes attack.

Tips for the Trusted Lieutenant:

42. When the hero or his sidekicks are at your mercy, don't stop to gloat.

43. If you can't resist gloating, don't boast about the reward you expect to receive from your master for bringing them in or killing them off.

44. If you gloat and boast, don't be surprised if a comrade of the person you have at your mercy jumps you from behind while you're distracted with your boasting.

45. If you fail to complete your mission, skip town. Returning to the Evil Overlord to report on your failure will usually get you killed.

46. While the Evil Overlord is gloating over his anticipated success in the venture he is about to launch, it is considered impolite to ask "And if you fail?" You probably won't be flogged, maimed, or killed for your temerity, but why risk it?

47. Never wear gender-inappropriate underwear in a sword-rich environment. The Hero will slice your suspenders or cut off your trouser buttons, exposing you to ridicule.

48. If you find the Evil Overlord's beautiful daughter consorting with the hero, take her bribes but turn her in.

49. If you follow orders and fail, the Evil Overlord will claim he told you to do something different, and you will be blamed. If you disobey orders and succeed, the EO will act as if what you did was his idea, and you will be commended. The Moral: Do what works.

50. Find out what happened to your predecessor. Learn from it.

51. Always arrange to have a scapegoat.

52. Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, accept responsibility for failure.

Tips for the Evil Overlord's Wicked but Beautiful Daughter:

53. Make a point of finding out all those lovely little family secrets so that the Hero can never spring them on you.

54. Do not fall in love with the Hero.

55. If you fall in love with the Hero, and decide to help him, do not declare your intentions to Daddy. He'll just clap you in irons pending execution. Of course the Hero will rescue you, but it's demeaning.

56. If the Hero takes you to his secret base, and once there tells all about his plans, smile sweetly, leave, and find another man. This Hero is obviously so stupid he will not be around for very long.

57. If any of Daddy's Evil Henchmen try to make a move on you, maim them at least. While the encounter might be interesting, it would set a bad precedent.

58. If you fall in love with the Hero, and want him to return your affection, don't use a drug concocted by a wizened old lady living on the top of a mountain. If the hero is not blind, your natural charms will be sufficient to win him over. If he prefers some tramp of a princess, then he obviously has rotten taste; find someone better.

59. If you fall in love with the Hero, and learn that he has a True Love, investigate the relationship. If she has never returned his affection, the position is still open to competition (but you will first have to work as the Hero's Sidekick for a while).

60. Don't wear dresses with high, fan-like collars. Stick with close-fitting, simple little numbers that let you turn your head to see behind you. If for some reason you have to wear a dress with a high collar, there's an arcane device called a "mirror" that will help you watch your back.

61. Have some engineers install a hidden exit from the room where Daddy imprisoned Mommy for the rest of her days after she displeased him.

62. Do not mistreat the populace. Let Daddy be the one to make enemies of all the Heroes in the land.

63. If you have siblings, do not trust them. They'll only use you shamelessly. Of course if they're stupid enough to trust you, use them shamelessly.

64. If any of your sibs try to enlist your help to overthrow Daddy, smile, agree, and then turn them in. They're either stupid (in which case their plot will fail and you'll get caught), or setting you up (in which case not turning them in is a very bad idea), or they've turned Good (in which case life under the new regime would be boring).

65. Laugh at all of the Sidekick's jokes, no matter how lame they are. That way when you pretend to fall for him he will be more easily fooled.

66. Don't just be an attractive stage prop. Make sure you know every detail of the running of the Evil Empire, so that if anything unpleasant happens to Daddy, the transition of power will go smoothly. Then make sure that something unpleasant happens to Daddy.

67. Make up your mind now whether you want to marry the Hero or slowly cut him into little pieces. Do not attempt the latter until you have given up on the former.

68. Daddy's Trusted Lieutenant works for Daddy. If he catches you cavorting with the Hero, he will gleefully take whatever you offer for his silence, and then turn you in anyway.