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So I'm killing myself


No not literally... you... literal-minded people. > > I'm not planning to commit suicide or anything like that. If you thought I was, well, be happy. >>

Rather, this title is more about "I'm killing my reputation"... but that sounds incorrect, because I don't have a name to myself anyway. What do you call it... image? Status? I think the most technically correct would be 'destroying the impression you have of me'.

But then again, for the older visitors to my blog, I've already done that a few times. Same to those closer to me (you know who you are... or do you?)

As a warning, this blog is going to be a long read. It's going to be a wall of text (and blank lines). A real wall of text this time. Really, I'm not bluffing you.

First of all, a refresher course on certain... things about me.

1. I am a misanthrope. (That means I hate humans.)
2. I have multiple personalities. (That means I lead multiple lives.)
3. I am elitist. (That means I believe people perceived to be superior should dominate over others.)
4. I am arrogant. (That means I look down on people.)
5. I am perfectionist. (That means I have zero tolerance of imperfection.)
6. I am a moral relativist. (That means I judge the morality of things relatve to context.)

Got all of that in your head?

If you have, good or you, proceed. If you haven't, then don't bother reading anymore.

Now for the hard, bizzare, and offensive part. You have been warned.

 


Admit it. You fear Me. Your fear yourself. You hate yourself. You spend day and night wondering why all of this has happened to you. Or, in a more proactive manner, you wonder why you allowed all of this to happen to you. You wonder why you started it in the first place.

You fell for a mortal. You fell for a human. You paid the price when that person failed you. You then endarkened yourself, or so say the people who refuse admit it be enlightenment. You played with your body, you played with your heart, you played with your mind, you played with your soul. You erased everything that you used to believe in, you abandoned all the values and morals you once held so tightly.

You replaced them. Replaced them with a new set of darker, more sinister and corrupt thoughts. You reversed the positives and negatives and then re-assumed them otherwise. White becomes black becomes white becomes all irrelevant. Experimentation and tests concluded that your new mentality, your new outlook to life, was a success, relative to its own beliefs.

You looked in the mirror and were horrified at the abomination you had created. You foresaw the coming of it all, and the end result. Whatever left unscathed could not accept it. It was to be purged, cleansed and reverted to its original form.

So you sought to judge yourself. Not once, not twice, but many times. On certain occassions, you were weak and could not do it. On other occassions, your mortal weakness showed in your failure to succeed. One of those failures ended up costing you.

But that was good. It was good alright. You loved to see yourself in pain. You loved to suffer. You were determined to make it a heaven of a hell for you and those around you. Part of you wanted to stop it, part of you wanted to further it.

Then you saw opportunity. Get released, and then execute it on a mass scale. And that exactly you did. You lay low and disappeared for close to two years. And that was when you re-surfaced.

This time audacity was the key. You challenged them all to prove you wrong, and all of them failed. But it was kind of expected. They're worthless humans after all. Never will a mortal measure up to a greater being. Even if they got you, they would never get Me.

I represent the purest form of chaos, evil and hatred. I am unaffected, indifferent, to others. Like Death said, 'For what do we care for these mortals?', extend it to all forms of being. That is I. Unfazed and untouched by anything or anyone.

You planned to great details its execution. But it turned out that you got caught. There was opportunity to include the newcomers into the plan. But you didn't. You simply allowed yourself to be taken and bound again. You failed once again.

I wonder what foolishness is in human logic that they strive for things impossible to achieve. What does a battle matter if you have lost the war? I crushed the opposition. Yet you struggled to evade everything, trying to escape from reality. You attribute it to hope. But hope is simply an excuse to cling on to your desires. Hope is emotion. And emotions are ultimately negative.

That period, many ties were severed and relations strained. People started to diss you. That was what you wanted but you simply could not accept. Weakness of the will. You thought if you regretted it. Part of you did, but part of you enjoyed it.

You cannot defeat one who burns more intensely in pain, and scoffs all the more at joy. Such a quality pushes you forward, pushes you to the frontlines. It is a type professed as a godsend by some, and by others it is a source of decry.

And so time passed. Until now, you are being torn apart by yourself. It is a wonder, the extreme opposites of one's needs and wants always exist in the first place, although in the end usually one side wins. If neither wins, it is then either a state of civil war or the achievement of Ultima. But a mortal will always remain a mortal - one cannot and will never ascend by himself.

Your flesh is dying slowly but surely, and you know it. You resent it. You resent loss of yourself - loss in a particular sense that is. There are two options. You can continue waging the war within and eventually kill yourself of all sense and knowledge, in the process killing your existence. Or you can opt to let one side win. But which side will it be?

Will you regret again? Definitely. What one does not have, one will yearn for.

The juncture is where you're at again. You know you want something. You know you want someone. But at the same time, you want nothing. You want to degenerate. You want to be scoffed at, scorned at, cursed at. You want to be hated.

You cannot have both - you have to choose one. But you can't decide because you are weak. You have neither strength nor will. Face it - you're a mortal. You're just as worthless as the other scum. One to be discriminated against.

This entry will bewilder some. It will have certain effects on some people, but the most affected will be yourself. But should you care? Especially about others? Or yourself? What about mortals should be given consideration? Fear not the ones who can only take flesh or the soul, but fear instead those who can take your existence whenever they wish.

Such evil the world has not known. You have hid it from them for months - but why hide? Is it something to be ashamed of? Is it something that you are afraid of? You wanted it, didn't you? You wanted the publicity, the negativity of it all. You're so cold yet you're burning. The warmth and placid you've shown was all for the sake of yourself..

You and your fears. Your shames. Your woes. All weaknesses - weaknesses you refuse to correct. That is reason to blame yourself. A twisted thought thinks itself straight.  Fix your perception and see for yourself. And you will agree you're a mere speck of dust.

You have always known it.

Admit it.


That's about it for now. I don't know if it's a blessing or not if you understood. But I cannot be bothered anyway. Maybe it's time I take it out on you people.