Those of you who may have read my blogs occasionally over the years are aware that I moved away from home 5 1/2 years ago, and have spent a great deal of that time trying to adjust to a new location and the ups and downs of a relationship. Scattered throughout, of course, were the moments where I went from owning this game system to that game system; searching for - and yet never really seeming to find - what game system I was happiest with. But of course for better or for worse, this blog has become an outlet for my life thoughts more than anything.
But as much as I've lived and experienced for the past half decade, the picture is still not so clear to me about what to do with my life. I always feel frustrated by other people and my circumstances, and cling to things that give me gratification for the time being. Life is, let's face it, becoming more and more polarizing these days as people debate over ethics and world issues. My thoughts on life and relationships have also become much more polarized and contradictory. And yet, maybe this is all just the natural progression of the world and my outlook on it that I've held ever since I was a kid.
Oh yeah, somewhere along the lines there E3 happened. I think this may be the first year ever where I just didn't really care too much about it.
I mean I have heard some things from it that sound exciting. Horizon Zero Dawn still sounds cool, though admittedly much of my knowledge of that game still remains from 2015's E3 showing. I saw a bit of the new God of War demo and thought it was kind of a clever continuation of the Kratos plot. And I heard about Microsoft making a new version of the XBOX One and Nintendo showing pretty much exclusively the new Zelda game.
Even last year I would delve in deeper to learn more about quirky little games announced at E3, or to watch presentations and determine which games I might be interested in getting a year or two from now. It's just not the case anymore. And maybe in a way that's good because it would mean information overload on games, and make them less exciting for me by the time I do actually get around to playing them. I'm not really forming any sort of opinion on games right now, I'll just play what I have and what looks interesting.
I guess no matter how difficult things get with money and my living situation in the immediate future, at least I don't have to worry about it getting as bad as this anytime soon:
For what it is, I love my studio apartment. I suck at living right now, but maybe in due time things will get better. I wonder, though, what the catalyst of that will be? What will pull me out of my slump just enough to make me improve myself and take care of business?
Maybe something as simple as a nice haircut will be enough to make me take pride in my life once again, and spur me on to clean up my place and buy a new wardrobe that screams "That's right, ladies, I do know what I'm doing!" I doubt it, but you never know.
Lately a strong concern of mine is becoming whether I can maintain my current life for much longer. The debts and bills I've accumulated, while still not bad when compared to a lot of other peoples', could be enough to sink me in coming months. My parents have already talked about the option of me returning back home to Pennsylvania, if not to go back home then at least to move somewhere closer and less expensive.
The thing is, any small strides I've made towards a life of my own have happened because of choices I made that brought me here. A lot of the original reason why I came to New York state is no longer relevant, but I think I know that deep down part of the reason why I made the decision to move out was because I needed to get away from the dead-end life I was stuck in before. I wanted to do something, anything else. (It would be hilarious, then, if that very same reason ends up bringing me back to my home state.) And while my relationship ended, the remnants of my time here are what keeps me here: my job, my friends, and the freedom and personal space I have just being here. I'm hoping to keep all of that, but I realize that sometimes in life, in order to move forward I might have to move backwards first.
My slight foray into the dating world has been disheartening, but for as little as I've really managed to put myself out there and as short of a time I've been at it, I'd still have to argue that I've been doing fairly successful at it. I had dates with two different girls, and while neither of them really talk to me anymore (and at least one of them is seeing someone else now), I still feel like it was a learning experience.
Dating women is frustrating though. A lot of women on dating websites are extremely picky, searching for really particular things in a guy. They have to make this much money, have this sort of personality and outlook on life, and be THIS tall in order to even be considered for a date with these women. ...Which is funny, because we men (who are all so often accused of judging women based on their looks) are much more willing to date or sleep with women who aren't that attractive, who don't have every quality we'd like them to have, and we don't even give a shit about how tall they are or how much money they make!
I have no idea what I want still, after all of this time. There is one girl who, whenever I'm around her, I feel like we really 'get' each other and connect on levels beneath the surface - but at the same time, she never seems to want to get close and sends mixed signals. By contrast, I don't want to be alone forever, but I realize that getting into a relationship right now is probably not right for me - and I should explore.
I realize I sound complain-y sometimes, but I still don't think I'm that bad. This picture really reminds me of a friend of mine. While I constantly debate my future and my problems with women, work and society, at least I don't blame all of the people in my life for my problems. And I try to make an effort to be attractive and likable. Anyway, don't know why I thought of that just now. I guess the picture was too good not to use though. I like that they are "Postal...Ill Tempered" Gripe Nuts. XD Maybe I just needed to complain a bit about a complainer.
My final topic for the day, to end on a good note? Burger King is now selling fried Cheetos filled with mac & cheese, appropriately called Mac n Cheetos.
I know where I want to go for lunch!