I have already down the years been told by many different ex partners (my tally is impressive, even a relationship that lasted half an hour... beat that!) that I am probably going to be one of the worst Dad's ever! which i seriously reject because how can i be when i already have made plans for my kid to become batman! and since parents are god in the eyes of a child... do u really need more proof?:
Moving swiftly on, today i was thinking, you remember when you was a kid and you asked those dieing questions that you needed answering? well remember how your parents always seemed to struggle to answer them? like you would get some complete rubbish about a sausage and a sandwhich to help explain the forbidden dance? well i now have a plan, Use video games to help explain! untill they grow up obviously... then these guidelines just make u look like an old school geek!
Scenario: Daddy where do Babies come from?
Lets finally throw out the old story about the stork dropping it off on his weekly rounds, lets step it up a gear and use SPORE as the excuse!
Answer: "you see son, you come in on a meteor" kid says "just like superman?" u reply "no not like superman dummy, god did you even play his last game? it really suc... err, i mean it was not the best example of a video game... so as i was saying, you travel far distances to reach planet earth and you crash land in the sea, at this point you are just a teeny tiny spec of a human being, and yes my boy, this was the first scan we got of you:"
"you are the big ugly green thing"!
"And after say oohh 9 months, me and your mom get a telegram to say that our little bundle of joy was now arriving at gate 12: on the eastern wing and we need to pick you up right away!" sure, your kid once he explains this at school will get some bizarre looks and questions, but when he explains that he will eventually evolve into a planet-conquering super-being carnivorous cross-breed they will leave him alone in no time!
Scenario: Daddy, this kid picks on me at school, what do i do?
Now we all know that telling the teacher only makes it worse on the boy, and saying stuff like "sticks and stones" will only double the issue even more when they find out he is a clever sod, so the simple option would be to sit them down and introduce them to Duke Nukem 3D! "you see son, Duke Nukem has lost his girlfriend to these guys over here, and he is upset and the teacher is no where to be seen, so what Duke does to help himself feel better is to say a few words of 'encouragement' to the guys and hope for the best, ok in most situations they dont listen so Duke has to deal with it in different ways, but im sure if you walked up to Billy and said I'm gonna rip off your head and sh*t down your neck... he will understand and wanna be your friend"
Disclaimer: if i read in the future that some kid ripped of a guys head and sh*t down it, im finding out which one of you actually listened to me and slapping you one!
Scenario: Daddy, the boogeyman is under my bed!
Now the best way to deal with fear is to confront it, explaining to the kid that the boogeyman checks under his bed for Chuck Norris is probably a safer way of dealing with it, but heres the other way, confront that fear by letting em play Silent Hill. "you see son, the boogeyman has nothing compared to these guys, look at that guy with the pyramid for a head, he would eat the boogeyman for breakfast!" this would immediately get rid of the fear of the boogeyman for sure, now they wont even want to go to sleep and will be scared of just about everything else, but parenthood is one step at a time am i right?
I just thinks its bizarre i noticed the boobs prior to looking at the faces!
Scenario: Dad, whats it like being a grownup?
Since you actually want your son to want to live a long life, the best thing you can do is tell them that it is fantastic and colourful in every possible way, but at the same time you want to subtlely advise them that they are not going to be the next man in space or the next David Beckham, so you use the Super Mario Bros approach to advising them that no doubt there future job in life might well be in the field of plumbing: "see son, super mario has to clear all those drains, and save a princess and deal with that nasty croc, doesn't that look like a fun job?!?" so that when your son turns around to you and says "dad... i want to be a plumber just like Mario" you can sit there with a subtle grin knowing that you have happily not led them on in life.
Thats my boy!
I did have another scenario prepped but after debating it for a while, even i don't have the guts to fully explain "what is sex?" using MGS saga mainly referring to a Big mama, Solid Snake and liquid, thats up for you to work your way through that scenario lol!
In other news work, as you no doubt guess still sucks, the world is still round and I am debating a change in career to plumbing, I recently started work on my first Little Big Planet user created map, damn im not as clever as i think i am lol, great fun though working it all out and trying to come up with gaming gold, my kicking the addiction to Wow idea really is not working, i seem to be playing it a bit more lol but the good news is there is a girl looking after me nowadays, believe it or not im a completely different person around her, so if she reads this she will no doubt think i suffer from some kind of split personality disorder lol. Take it easy guys and i look forward to reading ya blogs ; )