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CWood's Horrid Reviews #1: Death Wish V: The Face of Death

Hello and welcome to my new "segment." Seems like people get a lot of satisfaction out of reviewing their favorite game or movie. I, however, love to incoherently rant about how much things suck. So I decided to create this new segment to not only burn up worthless time between school and Raw, but to warn you, the common folk about what not to watch, buy, or touch with a ten foot pole. Also feel free to leave comments on how I can improve this segment or stuff you would like to see the Wood rant about, such as bad movies, PPV's, wrestling careers, bands, and anything else you can shake a stick at.. The final score will work like this; 1 will be crappy as whatever I am talking about will be in this segment, but a score of 10 will be the absolute worst. Anyway, here's Horrid Review #1:

Death Wish V: The Face of Death

If anyone has ever seen a Charles Bronson movie, you pretty much know what to expect here. Pointless action and making guns look like useful tools in today's society. So how does this movie break from the trend of your average Charles Bronson doesn't! In fact, this movie may personify every movie Bronson has ever starred in. Here's what types of things you can expect to find here in this movie:
  • Guns...lots of guns
  • Creeps
  • Bad Cops
  • Spousal abuse
  • Child Abuse
  • A bad guy the law can't handle
  • a Vigilantee or rogue of some sort.
Add some random plot and there you have your basic formula for a movie for the late Mr. Bronson to star in.

This movie features recurring character, Paul Kersey (a reprised role by Bronson) as he is trying to settle down and form a new life as he has changed his name in order to cover up his past crimes and start a new life with new girlfriend, Olivia. At this point, I am wondering if Kersey has told this chick about the last four Death Wish movies in which his wife, daughter, girlfriend, other girlfriend, best friend and many others are killed by creeps and to get revenge, he kills all the creeps in return. Knowing that prior to the relationship would probably be very important seeing as how everyone around this guy gets killed, raped, or at least shot. Anyway, it turns out this girls husband is basically in charge of some sort of mafia like group that has dealings with...a modeling company?! Yeah, I think I might have missed something there in the plot.

Moving forward, in the first minutes of the film, we see what I guess is an accountant of some sort get yelled at by this boss and then get part of his stomach sawed...thats right, the bad guy just found some sort of saw in the back of a fashion show and started to saw into this fat guy until this other dude, who is just standing around, decides to stick up for him. Well, he is met with a knife to the face. Eventually for some reason the dudes are let go (and later both killed because the bad guys thought they were talking to the cops.)

More pointless scenes follow as later into this "movie" Kersey's girlfriend is confronted by a really screwed up transvestite in the women's bathroom and has her head bashed into a mirror several times. Through this whole scene, the shim seems to be very sweaty and getting off to what he/she is doing. She doesn't die here, but once she says she will testify against this mob boss (who is coincidentally her ex-husband) she gets shot by a guy with a severe dandruff problem...thats right there is a creep who's gimmick is bad dandruff.

At this point, this is where the movie shows Bronson at his finest as he plots to kill just about everyone involved in his girlfriends death because he thinks the law cannot deal with it properly. He starts off by poisoning some fat guy's canoli with cyanide and forcing this guys mom to watch him gag to death. Then (and this is the most ridiculous part of the movie) he goes to a toy store and buys a soccor ball that can move via remote control (do they even make those things) and then rolls the ball into the home of who I have came to call Dandruff Man so the guy will pick it up. Then Bronson gets his attention and says something along the lines of "I got the solution to your dandruff problem right here..." and the detonates a bomb which was inside the remote control soccor ball the entire time! I don't know how they make this crap up. Other unique death scenes include a part where Bronson holds this guy up and is near an automatic plastic wraper. He makes the guy hold the part where the plastic begins so he can turn on the machine and wrap this dude in plastic. After he plugs him for info, he hangs him up on another machine that spins around this big room and turns it on. Later, a fellow goon enters very nervously, sees the guy and thinks he's Bronson and shoots him three times for no reason, then gets shot later by Bronson. But the funniest is when Bronson pushes a guy into a pointless pond of acid or something and we have to watch him slowly be eaten my it.

Sure all of this sounds like it could make an interesting movie, but what I just listed above won't make the dreadful 1 hour and 35 minutes go any faster. I'd say more about the plot, but it was so simple and yet pointless that I won't even bore you with further plot developments. Bottom line, the only reason to watch any movie in the Death Wish series is for Death Wish 3. That movie is so bad, its absolutely hilarious. In that one, Bronson gets huge guns such as pistols and even ROCKET LAUNCHERS through the mail!!!! Is that legal?! Anyway, unless you're just a fanatic of Mr. Bronson, avoid this movie. It's watchable for most of the death scenes, but other than that, it's just an old Charles Bronson going around and fulfilling people's death wishes.

I give this movie a 7/10 because I can't figure out why they would even make this film, let alone add an instalment to the horrid Death Wish series.


It's coming...

I've been pumped for this every since I beat Suikoden III around the time it was released. Finally, the wait will be over this Tuesday....muhahahaha! :|

Now if only my friend would come back from break so I could get my Tales of Symphonia save file and finish that game.

Snow, the pain in my back, and nuts who go x-mas shopping...

Bah gawd!

Today I open my window and see about 1 foot of snow on the ground and also realizing that I have do drive to work in this crap. The only reason I did not call in is that I figured the locals of Bloomington, IN were smart enough to stay indoors during these hazordous conditions. So I figured I'd earn some money without having to do much. So I go to work and after the snow stops for a while, all these nuts show up to do their shopping. Soon after it starts to snow pretty hard, but that still doesn't stop these lunatics from coming. So guess who has to push in all of their carts, do all of their carry outs and clean up their tracks they leave at the of cousre.

Have you ever tried pushing one cart in a foot of isnt as easy as one would think. Try pushing about 8 or 10 when there is more than 1 foot of snow and your cart pusher can't make it through the deep trash snow. Bottom line is I spent about an hour outside pushing in carts. So I was pretty worn out then. The fun continues driving home in a rear drive 2 wheel pick up truck I borrowed from my dad. It could barely pull the hills. Finally I get home and try to park the thing when it gets stuck in the middle of the road! So anyway, seeing as how I'm right next to my apartment, I go in and get a broom and spent the next 23 minutes sweeping snow into the street so I can have a parking spot. Of course I didn't have any help being that all of my friends already went home for x-mas. So FINALLY I get it in and after a 8 hour annoyance of a work shift, I get to settle down and type this rant about my day...that and have a beer and smoke ala Sandman.

Anyway, I'm most likely going to call off tomorrow and spend the day either cleaning or watching "The Rise and Fall of ECW" DVD. I'd play Tales of Symphonia, but my friend took his memory card home and of course my save was on that. Oh well, my truck is stuck and I think I'm running a fever, but at least I'll get a day off!


The only thing deader than this journal is Kane's baby!!

Some of you (at least one or two...or maybe none of you) have been wondering where ole Woody has been. Well, to tell you the truth I've just been plain busy. Anyway, there's a lot of random crap to cover and I'll just get to it.

First off, I've been gaming on and off quite a bit lately. The only game that has held my attention for longer than a few days is a little masterpiece I'd like to call X-Men Legends. I don't know how any comic fan could dislike the game. It tells a pretty awesome story and has a feel of an early 90's beat 'em up with RPG elements to boot. The funny thing is, is that I just picked up Halo 2 last week and I still really don't care that much about it. Sure I've almost finished the game, but I have had trouble caring about anything in the game since I have owned it. For some reason, I could really care less about beating it. I guess I've just had weird taste in my gaming choices for the last few years anyway. Just for the record, I picked up Metroid Prime pretty close to its launch and have played a total of 42 minutes of it while a game like Robot Arena 2 kept me entertained for hours on end (if anyone sees this game, pick it up!) Anyway, with all these hyped up sequals coming out, there really isn't anything I'm looking forward to until next fall (depending on when KH 2 hits shelves.)

As for why I haven't been active lately, I've recently got a new job at Target. The pay isn't all that much, but the hours they are giving me beats the hell out of my last job. The best thing is that I get 10% off anything in the store. So now all that x-mas shopping will be 10% less than what I anticipated it to be and best of all, I actually have an income to buy presents. So I guess I can't complain all that much. Anyway, with all these extra work hours in the workplace, I'm just trying to squeeze in an interesting social life...

To do this, I have taken up going to as many parties on the weekend as I can possibly be welcomed to. However, I just got a close call with the beefed up law enforcement as I was walking back from a costume party and there were cops all over the place. Furtunately, I was dressed as a ninja and it was hard to see me on the mean streets of Bloomington, IN. (it's true!) The only thing I had to fear was oncomming traffic. The funny thing is the next day I found out that the party got busted only seconds after I left. So I guess I better start watching my back now. :(

Another thing that I have been really interested in lately are comics. There are some really awesome projects going on right now that people should be checking out such as Astonishing X-Men and Identity Crisis. The neatest thing about Identity Crisis is that it's like Alan Moore's Watchemen mixed in with the superheroes of the DC Universe. Definitely the best DC mini series since Mark Waid and Alex Ross's Kingdom Come. And Astonishing X-Men is just awesome because Joss Whedon is writing it. That man is a genious! Another book I've been picking up recently is Green Lantern: Rebirth. I was pretty skeptical about it at first because I figured DC would just bring back the silver age GL in such poor fashion like they have done characters in the past (ie. Superman.) But with Geoff Johns behind this project, it looks like its going to be pretty awesome.

And then there was wrestling. I don't care what anyone says, its pretty good right now. JBL may suck, but he's a better champ than I ever imagined he could become and he isn't Undertaker, so I don't have a problem with him. The only problem with the brand is that besides Eddie, IMO JBL has no one to legidimentally feud with. I don't think him and Booker mix well with each other and all the other main faces need more time to develop character. Maybe they should just give the belt back to Eddie. On the Raw side of things, the storylines aren't bad. I'd like to see Maven still buried but I can't complain too much. My favorite thing about Raw right now is Sniksky. This man is comedy gold, folks. Just see AnonymousBroccoli's journal post for the day for more proof. Then there is Simon Dean. This guy will probably get stale sooner than later, but OMG he is hilarious. He has great mic skills and hopefully great ring skills to match. Other than that, Raw just needs to keep up the good work. TNA has been pretty good as well, but they may be going down a bad road as the influx of "wrestling legends" continue to take up TV time. I like to see Hall and Nash entertain, but hopefully they wont stick around long enough to stink up the place. Right now I'm really liking Team Canada. They may not be as great as WCW's Team Canada but they are still very impressive otherwise. Also, Monty Brown owns.

Well, thats about it for all this Roddy Piper like randomness. I'd keep it up but I'm kinda tired of typing. Maybe I'll participate in one of Egonga's GWE forum segments soon. It'll hopefully bring back some good old GdubE memories and spark more of my interest in these forums again. Also, Im thinking of bringing back the insanely old CWood/Darryl's Point segment just for old times sake, but I doubt that many people would read it, but then again, I did just type all this for no reason. Meh, I'm going to bed...

Classics over Graphics...

Recently, I moved into an apartment with 3 other friends. In the one month we've been here, we have played more SNES than I have played over the last 8 or so years. I forgot how fun games like Donkey Kong Country and TMNT 4: Turtles in Time can be. I think we've gone through just about every co-op/multiplayer game in our now mega collection of games.

However, I figured this would all change after this weekend. That's because I went home to find that my bro doesn't want his XBox anymore. So I just figured that instead of collecting dust, the big black box could get a lot of play over at the apartment. So I bring it back, everyone's pretty happy that we now have every commercial console...and we play Total Carnage for SNES instead of hooking up the XBox. Then we come to today. I figured once I get time, I'd hook the thing up, but then I see my copy of Marvel vs. Capcom 2 for Dreamcast and sure enough, I go through the arcade mode a few times.

I don't know why, but I just don't feel like playing my newest console. The only game I really want to play for it is Halo 2, and that's still a while away. As for Fable, my friend was getting it, so I'm too cheap to actually buy my own copy anytime soon. I guess I could either be gamed out from the last month of classic gaming mayhem or I really don't care about any new games at the moment. Either way, it's really weird...I mean, hell...I typed this journal entry instead of playing Knights of the Old Republic.