Boros reviews a game that p!ssed him off in his second RETRO review!

User Rating: 3 | IronSword: Wizards & Warriors II NES
Boros here, and to apologize for the long wait for my Mario & Luigi: Dream Team review. I decided to give you guys an extra review for being so patient. I recently aquired a working Nintendo and decided to get some games for it. One of which being Ironsword: Wizards & Warriors 2, which I just picked up on a whim. To my surprise, the game was made by Rare, later to be Rareware, who are responsable for classics like Banjo & Kazooie. This shocked me and horrified me at the same time. I never liked Rare that much or much that they made, so this suddenly didn't seem so cool, but lets give it a chance... 3 days later, the game was in about 100 pieces and my hands were covered in my own blood and plastic game bits. What possibly could be so bad that it brings out such a barbarian within me? Let's find out.

The first thing is that this game uses a password system to return to your point, rather than saving. Passwords are fine via 1987, but this was made after Mario 2 which could save. Hell, Legend of Zelda could save, but not this piece of s#!t which came out in 1989, about 2 years before the Super Nintendo? Blow me. This isn't too bad at first, but it gets real annoying when you figure out the main problem with this game.

When you start the game, it's a sidescroller which is what that grey box does best, so it fits. Hey look birds... Oh, I guess they hurt you. Well, I'll just ignore 'em. Dammit, they're dropping s#!ts on me, so those things have to die. Well, the B button swings the sword, but it just looks like you fidget the sword. Holding down and pushing B makes you stab enemy shins. Holding up and pushing B makes the character stab up, but it won't hit the damned birds. A jumps but I don't think... Huh... It killed the bird... So, jumping into enemies kills them, opposite of Super Mario Bros. where jumping onto enemies kill them. However, sometimes you get hit, too, and I think about 12 hits and you die. There's a life bar, however, there's almost no recovery time. You know in Super Mario Bros. when you get hit, you blink, which makes you invincible. Yeah, forget that in this game. One bad mistake can drain the entire life bar. I've gotta stop thinking about Super Mario Bros. because I have to remember... That was a good game, this is a bad game.

Well, I eventually figured out that if you're facing the enemy you jump into, you won't take damage from it, and that's the only way to attack in the air... Makes sence to me... Anyway, I'm on this mountain and I guess I climb up. There are some doors that you can walk in, and one of them is a shop. You can buy a spell, key, or food which is health. To the games credit, if you go in a shop with no money, it's pretty funny what happens. Anyway, climbing the mountain and there's a talk bubble with a picture of a golden egg, so my guess is I have to find the egg. So I search the stage find the egg, but have to use a familiar spell to get it, then return to that spot.

It seems like the game has unlimited continues, because there's no counter of continues, and I've continued twice, and I'm on my last life... What could go wrong if I kill myself to get my lives back... Why couldn't I continue? What?! Only 2 continues?! ...Why not give me an indication that there was limited continues you ass goblin of a game! Very little extra lives, and only 2 continues before putting in a password. 3 lives to start. That makes things a little tricky but managable.

So, the bird get it's golden egg, and carries me to the clouds where I find enemies love dropping on my head, where I take damage. Jumping is the only real attack so far, and I can't jump onto the enemies of directly underneath the enemy, but I have to run into them while I'm in the air to kill without getting hurt. This is the main problem with the game. Most attacks come from up or down, or where you can't defend yourself. Like enemies spawning right on you in later stages. This makes it very easy to die. Anyway, Oh, hey! A secret room, so whats in here... Windsbane... Ok, what does it... It's a projectile... THANKS A F@%KING BUNCH FOR THAT! It's not like that would've made the game up to that point much easier and more enjoyable now is it? It might make it actually feel like a F@%KING GAME! Now, aiming this things a bit of a b!#ch, because it's a projectile that launches 3 orbs all in the same direction, but the middle one is the only one that can do damage. So, that's just f@%king perfect. When enemies shoot at me if the bullet or turd is anywhere close to me, I get hit, but when I finally get a projectile, I have to be precise. So, then I beat the boss, and the level, then we get dropped off in a rainforest. OK, but why did you take my magic. Oh, yeah, I forgot to explain. If you have a projectile, it takes a bit of your magic to use the attack, then if your magic runs out, you just go back to fidgeting embarrasingly.

Ok, so I find some magic and... Why wont it shoot? ARE YOU F@%KING SERIOUS?!? YOU TOOK AWAY THE ONE THING THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE I WAS ACTUALLY HAVING FUN?! YOU PIECE OF DICK F@%KING ASS MUNCHING S#!T BISCUIT!!! *deep breath* *sigh* Ok, let's continue.

The object is to collect what an animal guardian wants so they will help you on your quest, then find the special attack to defeat the boss of each world to move on. There are only 10 stages, which makes the game short, but the game is too relentless to be considered beatable. Another pain to bring up in this is that you don't get the password to where you were when you die. You can only get it when you look at your inventory with the SELECT button. That's just dumb, because every time you get to a new room you have to right the password down, because you have no idea when you might die, but little did I know that right around level 6 is when there's a real problem.

The enemies in levels 6-9 are very offensive, and kill easily, so trying to be careful... S#!T! Game over, but I still have... Wait, why can't I continue? WHAT THE F@%K?! You mean that if I get a game over in the later stages, then I have to put in the f@%king password just to continue where I just was 5 minutes ago? Without even having turn the damned console off? That is the kind of redundancy that I will not tolerate! F@%K THIS GAME!! I refuse to play this piece of s#!t any further!

So, to sum up... Is it any wonder why parts of this game are now imbedded into my fists? It's total s#!t almost from start to finish! I only kind of like when the projectile is available, but even then, it only lasts for about 2 minutes before the game rips that from you as well as a few nerves, and makes me want to shove this game up Banjo's dickhole. So, I can seriously summarize my entire opinion of this game in one sentence. F@%k this game.