The Falcon ~ Short Story

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galactic88

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#1 galactic88
Member since 2003 • 48 Posts
Signs, symbols, transgressions, bilateral stigmintations, all can potentially blind a mind or a spirit strewn in nothingness. Incorporations of self interest, objects that permeate trust build lasting foundations in our minds that can ultimately sanctify security. Fear is prominent in the mice a falcon sweeps to feast on, morally constructed in a way deemed functional in the eyes of God. There are aspects of life that are unbearable to some and most definitely for all the right reasons, morale or begotten in universal indulgence. What form our symbols take is begotten by self experience and more formally rectified in dreams. We see things in life sometimes we dont ask to see, sometimes death, betrayal, premonitions, and otherwise misfortune. The pain that accompanies such visions I myself have asked God to take away from memory on the fleeing wings of angels, and through the same clouds the falcon frequents. Why a bird of prey of symbolic significance.because it represents freedom absolute and power. The same influential power binds our awes in heroes and seeing those who rise above great tremors to secure justice, and sacrifice. The time that is the consideration of self indulgence professes a mind that envelopes itself in symbolic interactionists. A falcon professes its freedom in the skies and its valiancy in the clouds, to both see the angels and be reminded of hell below in the mice, the falcon itself is the pacifist in a world of resistance. Pulling on the heartstrings of the fallen to solidify a mind that is both the culmination of heaven and hell can burn a lasting symbol in the eyes of ones enemy. 
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-Saigo-

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#2 -Saigo-
Member since 2006 • 301 Posts

What does stigmintations mean? Do you mean, segmentations or stigmatizations? I couldn't find a meaning for it.

all can potentially blind a mind or a spirit strewn in nothingness I'd ditch the second "a" personally. I think it reads better as, "all can potentially blind a mind or spirit strewn in nothingness." Also, is the mind and spirit nothingness, or are they being thrown into nothingness? Because "in" will have a different meaning than "into" in this situation.

self interest - self-interest.

Fear is prominent in the mice a falcon sweeps to feast on Is it? I'd imagine the mouse has no clue what's happened when the falcon descends from the heavens and snatches it up in death's embrace.

What form our symbols take is begotten by self experience and more formally rectified in dreams. self-experience. Also, I'm not sure this sentence means exactly what you want it to. Right now it reads, "What form our symbols take is born by self-experience and more formally corrected in dreams."

I myself have asked God to take away from memory on the fleeing wings of angels, and through the same clouds the falcon frequents This is a good sentence but it could be a great sentence. How about, "I myself have pleaded with God to take away these memories, on the wings of fleeing angels, through the clouds the falcon frequents." The message is the same, but with an improved sentence structure (your sentence is a comma splice), and a few flashy words, this sentence really pops.

Why a bird of prey of symbolic significance.because it represents freedom absolute and power In writing there exists a sacred rule that can never be broken: Show, never tell. Right now you've completely pulled the reader out of the symbolic nature of the piece by, not only changing the voice / perspective, but through telling when you could be showing. Show us that the falcon is a being of freedom and power, don't just say it is!

Interactionists I don't think this is a real word ^_^

the falcon itself is the pacifist I'm not sure if pacifist works when describing a falcon. It kills to eat. Its very instinct is born from its need to kill.

I really like this type of writing and you're off to a good start. I'd work on making sure the words you use are real, and mean exactly what you want them too, and then you'll have something that really sizzles. Other than that, you had a few grammatical errors that are easy fixes but structurally it's not terrible, though you might consider going back and finishing in the same tone you started. I personally enjoyed the beginning much more than the end.

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BLaverock

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#3 BLaverock
Member since 2013 • 71 Posts

I enjoyed this piece. I did a quick edit on punctuation and sentence structure. Nothing major, and mostly my own preference. 

 

Signs, symbols, transgressions, bilateral stigmintations--all can potentially blind a mind or a spirit strewn in nothingness. Incorporations of self interest and objects that permeate trust build lasting foundations in our minds that can ultimately sanctify security. Fear is prominent in the mice a falcon sweeps to feast on, morally constructed in a way deemed functional in the eyes of God. There are aspects of life that are unbearable to some and most definitely for all the right reasons--morale or begotten in universal indulgence. What form our symbols take is begotten by self experience and more formally rectified in dreams. We see things in life sometimes we dont ask to see, sometimes death, betrayal, premonitions, and otherwise misfortune. The pain that accompanies such visions I myself have asked God to take away from memory on the fleeing wings of angels, and through the same clouds the falcon frequents. Why is a bird of prey of symbolic significance? Because it represents absolute freedom (feels awkward the other way) and power. The same influential power binds our awe (not plural) in heroes and [...] those who rise above great tremors to secure justice, and sacrifice. The time that is the consideration of self-indulgence (hyphenated) professes a mind that envelopes itself in symbolic interactions. A falcon professes its freedom in the skies and its valiancy in the clouds, to both see the angels and be reminded of hell below in the mice; the falcon itself is the pacifist in a world of resistance. Pulling on the heartstrings of the fallen to solidify a mind that is both the culmination of heaven and hell can burn a lasting symbol into the eyes of ones enemy. 

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galactic88

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#4 galactic88
Member since 2003 • 48 Posts

How's this for revised?

The Falcon, watcher of the skies, gifted with the talents equal to humanity's greatest warriors.And yet all the world the falcon frequents can potentially blind a mind or lead a spirit into nothingness.Feasting for the purposes of self interest, dropping our waste on what we believe to be the lesser, and boasting of our superiority build lasting foundations in our minds that can ultimately sanctify security when we too roost with angels. But who is blind the falcon who selects his next meal without malice or contemplation. Or is it the mice who unknowingly frequent the grounds in which their overseer selects his sustenance. An unknown fear rests in the hearts of the mice a falcon sweeps to feast on, morally constructed in a way deemed functional in the eyes of God. There are aspects of life that are unbearable to some and most definitely for all the right reasons, for the mice that pause for their fallen there is no justice. What form our symbols take is begotten by self experience and more formally rectified in our actions, whether we choose to hunt or not. We see things in life sometimes we don't ask to see, sometimes death, betrayal, premonitions, and otherwise misfortune frequently under the skies. These visions are absent from the mere mice, in that their ignorance of the cycle ensures their absence of foretelling or contemplation. I myself have pleaded with God to take away these painful memories, on the wings of fleeing angels, through the clouds the falcon frequents. The same falcon that soars above the clouds, above the justification that life share any ounce of fairness. The same influential power binds our awe in heroes and seeing those who rise above great tremors to secure justice, and sacrifice. Advice I have come to understand means nothing to both the mice and the falcon, but advice nonetheless is the adherence to the awesome clemency that our time is limited. A falcon professes its freedom in the skies and its valiancy in the clouds, to both see the angels and be reminded of hell below in the mice. Yet the Falcon who knows death, knows he is not infallible of such a sentence. For the falcon places its nest high. And simply pulling on the heartstrings of the fallen to solidify a mind that is both the culmination of heaven and hell can burn a lasting symbol in the eyes of ones enemy. But yet the mice absent in this understanding cannot rise. For once they realize they know more of the world on the ground then the falcon in the skies, then and only then will they become something greater.

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turtlethetaffer

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#5 turtlethetaffer
Member since 2009 • 18973 Posts

The way this is structured comes off as more a Prose poem than a short story. (Prose poetry is just what it sounds like... poetry written like a story).  Since there is no true overarching plot, and it's more about ideas than a scene, you may want to reconsider calling it a short story :P

But overall I liked it. Pretty cool and worth reading. (sorry I'm not doing a longer critique, I am burned out on doing long ones from both semesters at college).