The Golden Pasture

The Man stood at the edge of his land, a barren grassland, where few trees grew and food was not easy to come by. On the other side of the Great River, he saw a green patch through his sights. He immediatly set about chopping down the few trees on the shore and in a day's time, he had built a boat. Not wanting to waste any time, he set out to the other side of the river.

Once he reached his destination, he found that it was rather comfortable and pitched a hut by the shore. It was not exactly a forest but, compared to the dryland he had departed from, there were more trees and more food, compared to the dryland he had departed from. He was happy... for a while.

It was not long before he began hating his situation. There was food and shelter, but it was not enough. There were trees, but the timber was of poor quality and he wanted his house to be grand. There was food, but he was still able to afford only two meals a day and he wished for four. No, this was not enough.

He reached the traversed the breadth of the land and soon found himself on the banks of another Great River. He whipped out his sights and gazed far, for this river was broader than the last one. He finally noticed another patch. This one was even greener. Once again he built another boat and set sail.

It was a relatively rougher ride, but his perseverance had won and he finally made to the 'greener' bank. He was overjoyed, for everywhere all around him were trees of the finest timber and the whole place was full of life. He could easily build himself a grand house and eat four times a day. He built a grand house of wood and hunted whenever he was hungry. He was happy... for a while.

The Beast in him became restless once again. He wanted more - Something he could take back to his village and live happily ever after; Something that would buy him everything that he could ever desire; Something that would summon to his side the hardiest and most loyal servants, so that he never needed to work again; Something that would win him the hand of the most beautiful girl, so that he could boast to his friends and raise a beautiful family.

He set out across the breadth of the land and came to yet another Great River. Once again, he whipped out his sights and gazed far. However, this time he did see any green. He saw gold. He immediatly knew that he had finally found his Something - Gold! Without a second to spare, he cut down the nearest trees and built a boat. This boat was cruder than his previous ones, but he only needed to get to the other side of the river.

He set out on his third Voyage.This was even harder than the last one as the currents were strong and a storm was brewing. After much difficulty he managed to reach the 'golden' shore, but his boat did not make it. Clambering onto the shore he scooped the gold with his hands, but was struck with horror as he realized that the 'gold' was only sand.

Cry, he did, for his disappointment knew no bounds. The Beast had blinded him and he had followed it without thought. He knew that he deserved it now. He could not go back as he could not build a boat - there were no trees. He repented for not having built a sturdy one.

Resigning to his fate he decided to cross the desert and seek his fortune. He crossed the first dune and a sight met him - that of a long trail of bones stretching as far as the eye could see, that of the travellers who had come here before him. They had blindly followed their Beasts too.

"He immediatly set about chopping down the trees one the shore"

On.

"Not wanting to waste any time he set out to the other side of the river."

Shouldn't there be a comma before he. At least if you read it out loud, it sounds better that way.

"It was not exactly a forest but there were more trees and more food, compared to the dryland he had departed from."

I think it would sound better if you moved the "compared to the dryland..." part and placed it before the "more trees, more food" part, or just simply replaced "compared to" with "than in".

"There was food, but he was still able to afford only two meals a day and he wished for four."

The "for four" sounds a little clumsy. Why not just end the sentence "and he wanted four"?

"He finally noticed another patch This one was even greener"

Seems to be a punctuation missing.

"It was relatively rougher ride"

a relatively rougher ride?

"but he onle needed to get to the other side of the river."

only

"He set out on his third Voyage"

Should the v really be capital?

"but was struck with horror as he reakized that the 'gold' was only sand"

Reakized? Did you not read this over before posting it?

"He knew that he deservedit now"

A space missing.

"there were not trees."

Doesn't it sound better with no trees, instead of not trees?

Anyways, I think it is a great text, and if I'm not mistaken, there are a lot of metaphors here (and I like the point you are making).

[spoiler] It is about mankind struggling for just improving their welth a little bit more and ending up having screwed upo badly, right? [/spoiler]

"He immediatly set about chopping down the trees one the shore and in a day's time"

Wait, so now there are many trees?!

"He reached the traversed the breadth of the land"

And traversed?

"He wanted more - Something he could take back to his village and live happily ever after"

ever after with? And should these somethings be capitalised? I actually like it capitalised for effect.

"so that he can boast to his friends and raise a beautiful family."

so that he could.

"but he onle needed to get to the other side of the river."

Only.

"and a storm had brewed."

He's there when it's brewing, yeah? It might have more impact if it was "and a storm was brewing"?

"Cry, he did, for his disappointment knew no bounds"

It's Yoda!

"nd he had followed it without though."
Thought.

"e repented for not having built a sturdy one."

What did he do to repent? :?

The grass is always greener indeed! Unless it's sand. Good stuff! :D Now all he needs to do is learn to swim and he can go back! :P

"He immediatly set about chopping down the trees one the shore and in a day's time"

Wait, so now there are many trees?!

Made a little alteration. Anyway, I assumed that more trees grew on the shore where there is water

"He reached the traversed the breadth of the land"

And traversed?

Indeed. He just crossed over to the other side of the land. The land in between was figuratively nothing but one large bridge

"He wanted more - Something he could take back to his village and live happily ever after"

ever after with? And should these somethings be capitalised? I actually like it capitalised for effect.

The effect was intended

"so that he can boast to his friends and raise a beautiful family."

so that he could.

Curse me for overlooking this. Corrected

"but he onle needed to get to the other side of the river."

Only.

Corrected

"and a storm had brewed."

He's there when it's brewing, yeah? It might have more impact if it was "and a storm was brewing"?

You're right. Creected

"Cry, he did, for his disappointment knew no bounds"

It's Yoda!

lol, certainly seems so. Yoda didn't cross my mind when I wrote that. I just wanted to give it 'that' effect

"nd he had followed it without though."
Thought.

Corrected

"e repented for not having built a sturdy one."

What did he do to repent? :?

He repented his decision to build a crude one out of hastiness.

The grass is always greener indeed! Unless it's sand. Good stuff! :D Now all he needs to do is learn to swim and he can go back! :P

Foolz3h

"He immediatly set about chopping down the trees one the shore"

On.

Corrected

"Not wanting to waste any time he set out to the other side of the river."

Shouldn't there be a comma before he. At least if you read it out loud, it sounds better that way.

Corrected

"It was not exactly a forest but there were more trees and more food, compared to the dryland he had departed from."

I think it would sound better if you moved the "compared to the dryland..." part and placed it before the "more trees, more food" part, or just simply replaced "compared to" with "than in".

Former suggestion taken

"There was food, but he was still able to afford only two meals a day and he wished for four."

The "for four" sounds a little clumsy. Why not just end the sentence "and he wanted four"?

I think I'll leave as it is... for now

"He finally noticed another patch This one was even greener"

Seems to be a punctuation missing.

No punctuation mistake. Since it's a philosophical short story, I took the liberty of breaking it into two short sentences where one long one would have sufficed

"It was relatively rougher ride"

a relatively rougher ride?

Corrected

"but he onle needed to get to the other side of the river."

only

"He set out on his third Voyage"

Should the v really be capital?

Indeed. This is my first usage of the word voyage and since it's supposed to signify more than it's apparent meaning, I capitalized it

"but was struck with horror as he reakized that the 'gold' was only sand"

Reakized? Did you not read this over before posting it?

Oops! I wrote it a little hastily and forgot to proof read it. Sorry for the inconvenience. :P Anyway, corrected

"He knew that he deservedit now"

A space missing.

Curse GS. The backspace glitch. Corrected

"there were not trees."

Doesn't it sound better with no trees, instead of not trees?

Stupid typo. Corrected

Anyways, I think it is a great text, and if I'm not mistaken, there are a lot of metaphors here (and I like the point you are making).

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waZelda

Thank you both. I was quite anxious abt how my first story of 'this' type would turn out

"He finally noticed another patch This one was even greener"

Seems to be a punctuation missing.

No punctuation mistake. Since it's a philosophical short story, I took the liberty of breaking it into two short sentences where one long one would have sufficed

sandyqbg

If it is two sentences, it should be a full stop. That is the mistake I was refering to.

Indeed. He just crossed over to the other side of the land. The land in between was figuratively nothing but one large bridge"

Indeed, but don't forget to fix the typo of 'the' instead of 'and'! :)

You make a good point in this story. It reminds me of the poem "nothing gold can stay" By, Robert Frost. I might however use a different word in place of 'whipped' though.honkyjoe

lol, I thought 'whipped' felt comically out of place which was the reason I decided to keep it.

Anyway, thanx

The grass is always greener on the other side, so they say. And when they ask me, "Who is They?" I can reply "Why, sandyqbg, of course."

It seems to be the essential moral of the story. It's loaded with grammatical errors, as you probably know, but I'll let others pick at those. I don't feel like arguing about them.

You haven't proof-read the piece at all.

The Man stood at the edge of his land, a barren grassland, where few trees grew and food was not easy to come by.sandyqbg

The repetition of "land" doesn't sound good. Read it out to yourself; it sounds rather odd. Try a different word or re-word the sentence. 

On the other side of the Great River, he saw a green patch through his sights.sandyqbg

He's already seeing it, it's obvious that it's "through his sights". No need to reiterate that so immediately. 

compared to the dryland he had departed from, there were more trees and more food, compared to the dryland he had departed from.sandyqbg

Maybe you just missed that. 

He reached the traversed the breadth of the landsandyqbg

Probably a typo here. Doesn't make sense...

He wanted more - Something he could take back to his village and live happily ever after; Something that would buy him everything that he could ever desire;sandyqbg

I don't think you have to capitalise the words after punctuation that is not a full-stop, and question-marks or exclamation-marks in some cases. Semi-colons don't count, I don't think, and neither do dashes. 

I think the others have already been addressed. I just thought that the last sentence didn't fit very well. I didn't feel a sense of finality when I read it. Otherwise, though, the story's pretty good. But maybe you could explain his village? It just popped out of the blue. Where is it? Why isn't he back there?

The grass is always greener on the other side, so they say. And when they ask me, "Who is They?" I can reply "Why, sandyqbg, of course."

It seems to be the essential moral of the story. It's loaded with grammatical errors, as you probably know, but I'll let others pick at those. I don't feel like arguing about them.

mprezzy

Dude, you remind me of Aberinkulas so much it's not even funny. :P

Anyway, I enjoyed the piece too. First of all I'm glad to see you (sandy) break away from dark humor and aim for something both positive and straightforward. Others may nitpick, but I'm just flabbergasted at how far your writing has come. I can only gape and sputter. (:o)

A reservation, however, is the mentioning of the Beast. It seems really out of place for me. It's obvious what it is referring to, but personifying it as a Beast seems rather explicit to me, and I would've preferred it simply being called a desire, or greed; that way it would be both less distracting, less prosaic, and thus, more impactful.

So yeah, great read! Just need to tighten your belt. :)

You haven't proof-read the piece at all.

[quote="sandyqbg"]The Man stood at the edge of his land, a barren grassland, where few trees grew and food was not easy to come by.helios_rietberg

The repetition of "land" doesn't sound good. Read it out to yourself; it sounds rather odd. Try a different word or re-word the sentence. 

Probably should be: "The Man stood at the edge of a barren grassland..."

Why is Man capitalized, anyway?

[quote="sandyqbg"]On the other side of the Great River, he saw a green patch through his sights.helios_rietberg

He's already seeing it, it's obvious that it's "through his sights". No need to reiterate that so immediately. 

I think by "sights," he is referring to a telescope or something.

I think the others have already been addressed. I just thought that the last sentence didn't fit very well. I didn't feel a sense of finality when I read it. Otherwise, though, the story's pretty good. But maybe you could explain his village? It just popped out of the blue. Where is it? Why isn't he back there?

helios_rietberg

That would probably amount nothing. I mean, we all get the idea, right? He had to have come from somewhere. It works better as a character device than a story one, I say.

Why is Man capitalized, anyway?

iloveflash

I should probably not be the one to answer, but my guess is that since the man represents mankind in the metaphor, he is given a capital M.

Zelda is right for Man. And Something refers to the desire... man's urge to always crave for what he does not have. That is the reason I've capitalized it.

For Beast: I could have just called it desire, but since I had maintained an air of subtlety by not referring to the real thing, I decided to use an abstract substitute for it 

As helios said, I didn't proof read it bcos I simply did not have time and I did not want to put posting it off to another day, bcos I might come to hate it in that time and decide not to post it

Saying "the Beast within" isn't being very subtle. If anything, you should use a simile or metaphor instead of saying outright that "it was the Beast within that made him do it."

I can't think of any examples right now, but you get what I'm getting at.

Okay, I'll take it

"It was not long before he began hating his situation"

If your telling a story sort of like an ol' folk tale. (which I believe you are). I would ditch the word "hated", it seems a bit to contemporary. maybe loathe or despise would work better.

Once he reached his destination, he found that it was rather comfortable and pitched a hut by the shore. It was not exactly a forest but, compared to the dryland he had departed from, there were more trees and more food, compared to the dryland he had departed from. He was happy... for a while.

sandyqbg

Repetition of an entire phrase.

It was not long before he began hating his situation.

sandyqbg

Minor concern, but I think "to hate" or "to despise" would fit better.

 

Once again he built another boat and set sail.

sandyqbg

Not necessary, and it contributes to repetition.

  

It was a relatively rougher ride 

sandyqbg

If you have one you don't need the other.

  

so that he could boast to his friends and raise a beautiful family.sandyqbg

Why "beautiful"? I don't think it fits.

   

However, this time he did ____ see any green sandyqbg

I'm sure there's supposed to be a "not" there.

I get your meaning, btw. See WZ's post for what ran through my head.

Dude, you remind me of Aberinkulas so much it's not even funny. :P

iloveflash

Oddly enough, I was about to post what Mprezzy did, just a bit more.

I thought it was a fine story, but it was very obviously driven by a moral objective. The whole morla is balently obvious, and as it is, a little simple. Now, I know you're probably just experimenting (because this is still a fine piece, don't get me wrong) but isn't there something more you could add to your ideas? I'll develop this thought for your possible and optional benefit, because I feel like thinking about this interesting idea.

I say this because warning human kind of their constant move toward new ground is not, ironically enough, new ground. Everyone from Fitzgerald to Orwell has done this at least several times, and in that, built upon the idea, showing how this can be avoided in some circumstances. Hell, The Matrix told us to stop advancing technology.

If I were to write a story like this I'd look at the concept of new ground and wonder first, why we want to further ourselves. Perhaps this is just a philisophical extension, but I'd say that most people want a better life for either them or others - say, remove poverty. But then again, could our approach fail? How would the best way to discuss this issue come to me?

Furthermore, is there a required full STOP for safety's sake? From your story, I'd say you think that's the case. I'd argue that slow and steady is the best bet, but progression is just as good and we should be listening to our "beast" at much as possible in times like this. Jumping from evolution to evolution is better than either charging through the metaphorical land or not moving at all. Progress is inevitable and desired. The world is imperfect, and while it will always be, we can at least fix the fixable things.

I'd develop this story and make it a bit longer. Explore the mind of this man in this story. What are his objectives? How does he react to a "move or stagnate" situation? Plus, I'd add extra variables to the discussion - perhaps a flood behind him that pushes him forward against his will. Perhaps even the occasional storm that forces him to stay in one place for a moment, or an area that is so terrible and void of what he needs to survive that he would go to any means to get out of it.

I could make multiple versions of this story, depending on the personality of the man. In one, he sits and stands on the very brink of the flood's waters, never changing, holding onto the lands as far as he can go - so fearful of change to the point of finding a tree and climbing up it to avoid the flood. In another, he strikes out and goes well beyond the flood's line to possibly face the concequences. In a mix of those two, he his moderate, moving, ever mindful of the flood, but still progressing to better places.

Interesting thoughts.

I've followed everyone's discussion/corrections/suggestions and I firstly thank everyone for this. I am quite surprised that a story by me managed to stay on top of the board inspite of my absence. Even if I haven't specifically answered to your comments, I promise that I've taken everyone's suggestions into account, tho I didn't edit it(sooooooo little time).

@Aber: I agree with you Aber. Reading it again now, I find the story in complete distaste. But I think it was at least worth trying than just shying away. I will try to implement your suggestions from my next philosophical piece... but it will take time before my philosophical stories are at least half acceptable

But I think it was at least worth trying than just shying away. sandyqbg

No, I agree. It was a good base from which to begin thinking about these ideas. I look forward to further explorations.

[QUOTE="sandyqbg"]But I think it was at least worth trying than just shying away. Aberinkulas

No, I agree. It was a good base from which to begin thinking about these ideas. I look forward to further explorations.

Even Da Vinci had to have started somewhere, right? Though he was probably living out of someone's basement while doing it... sandy, do these things in your basement before publishing them here!

But basements don't suggest corrections, do they?

P.S. I don't have a basement

But basements don't suggest corrections, do they?

P.S. I don't have a basement

sandyqbg

Scientific evidence suggests that attics are best places for creative inspiration;)

Scientific evidence suggests that attics are best places for creative inspiration;)

honkyjoe

But not for actual writing.

[QUOTE="honkyjoe"]

Scientific evidence suggests that attics are best places for creative inspiration;)

iloveflash

But not for actual writing.

Jazz music will solve that

Scientific evidence suggests that showers are best places for creative inspiration and watching pron

honkyjoe

Fixed that for you.

[QUOTE="iloveflash"][QUOTE="honkyjoe"]

Scientific evidence suggests that when a man and a woman have sex they increase the chance of having a baby.

Aberinkulas

Orly? :avatar:

I didn't know that either. Except I did. Hm.

Puts.