I like it. It seems a lot like a metal song, which I'm totally into. :P Do you listen to metal? You have to. It's too metal for you not to. I'm picturing this done by Children of Bodom, or some other act like The Crown.
At any rate, I'd say watch the verb tenses. The poem on a whole is in present tense, but there are a couple slips into a past tense. Namely:
The Clock struck twelve-Uziel126
And this:
His venomed fang struck out once moreUziel126
The tense changes really hurt the piece a lot - as tense changes without the poem being purposefully anachronistic are wont to do - and certainly should be changed. On a whole, it's a relatively minor problem, but one that definitely bears bringing attention to.
Outside of that, I see some minor flow problems, but this may be more to me specifically, and I'd wait to see if others agree or disagree with me here:
Darkmoon rests on his iron throne
Face hidden by a mask of stoneUziel126
The second line seems to stutter in my head every time I read it. It doesn't flow as well as the rest of the stanza, and I can't help but not like the opening part of "face hidden." The pacing of the words seems to work against the line. I ran into another similar problem in the next stanza, though not due to word pacing:
Freezing touch and burning gaze
Fear his thoughts that consume you wholeUziel126
The second line sounds extremely awkward. Maybe rework the wording a bit, or change out the word fear completely. I initially read it as "Fear, his thoughts," as in his thoughts are fear. Then it hit that I'm supposed to fear his thoughts, and I didn't feel I should. Obviously, Darkmoon is supposed to be an entity of surmountable evil, and I personally think that merely establishing him as such works better than telling the audience how they should react to him.
His god is War, his steed, the NightUziel126
Riff riff riff double bass pedal. m/
'Til only dust and ash remain
The Dark One's power broken and shamed
But lo! Even as Darkmoon falls,
His venomed fang struck out once more
The Light, corrupted, soon decays
To fall from her lofty keep to Earth
And as she tries to rise once more
Darkmoon overcomes her and-Uziel 126
I really like the repeated "rise once more" in the second stanza. It creates a nice sense of unity of the two forces, despite their obvious opposition. A kind of "without light, there can be no shadow" kind of ideal. I'm not sure whether that was entirely intentional, but still.
For better or worse, those are more or less my comments. I'm going to listen to some Bloodbath now. And thanks for posting the most metal piece to date in the union. :P
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