College: The Gateway To My Future (An essay for a 5,000$ scholarship)

I've been quite busy lately filling out scholarships and this one in particular requires a short essay on "Why do you want to go to college."

I want it to be quite good so I am having lots of people proofread it. Offer suggestions, advice, etc... Its only a page double spaced so ill just post it up on here.

College: The Gateway to My Future

By: Joe Gillespie

The word "College" strikes fear into some people. Fear that they are obligated to perform well in an institution of higher learning. Fear that if they don't they will be shunned by society. A vast majority of people go to college because it is something that they feel like they have to do. I am not one of those people. I would like to attend College so I am able to pursue something I thoroughly enjoy; whether it is math, science, history, or writing and help humanity with my skills acquired.

Confucius once said that "If you do something you truly love then you will never have to work a day in your life." I believe firmly in this sentence. My passions range from music to history, from science to literature, and much, much more. I want the opportunity to choose my path as I grow mentally and physically older. As my interests change I want to be able to change with them.

College is a gateway to do what you love to do. If you love to work on cars and your father owns a machine shop than College may not be a suitable path to take. But if you want to be a Doctor, going to College will enable you for that career. That is the beauty of higher education. Four years from now I may want to do something different with my life than what I want to do today. And because of my College education I will be able too.

I am someone who feels the need for mental stimulation. I truly love to learn. I look forward to the ideas and thoughts presented to me when I am in College. I know many adults who have told me that College is an "enlightening" experience. I would love to find out first hand what they talk about by attending an institution of higher learning.

For some people College is the next step in life. For others work is the next step in life. But for me it is the joy of learning and the rewards it shall bring. If a College education will enable me to do what I love than I will be in the first row with my eyes and ears glued onto the professor. If a College education will let me help others who happen to be less for fortunate than I will work even harder, knowing that someone could use my help in the future. So College is the next step in my young life and I will do anything in my power to attend. College will enable me for my life to come and I would greatly appreciate any assistance in the matter. Thank you.

"But if you want to be a Doctor, going to College will enable you for that career."

'enable you for that career' is a bit informal considering the tone of the piece. Perhaps etohming like, "if you want to become a docotr, going to college will give you the skills you need for that career". But that might be a bit too formal, heh.

"If a College education will let me help others who happen to be less for fortunate than I will work even harder,"

'Who happen to be less fortunate than I, then I will".

Anyway good read. Did give you a length they wanted to be? it's short but it's to the point and I like it. :)

The essay could use a little bit of sentence connection. The frsit few sentences, for example, could take some semi-colons and tricky wording to make it flow a little better.

Other than that, I can just see some Dean of Admissions crying their little hearts out...

Foolz: Thanks again for the detailed help. I am updating it on word right Meow:) The scholarship asked for a double spaced 1-2 page essay. Very short, very sweet.

Aber: :lol: I would like that kind of attention but I hardly imagine a Dean being so easily overrun by emotion.

I think everyone has covered the mistakes, so I'll just leave my two cents on the content of this essay:

'Twas great. 8)

An essay for $5000?   then it should be as perfect as possible! *puts on his pedantic hat*

Firstly, I liked it.   It has a strong personal and emotional message outlining your motivation for pursuing higher education, which is definitely a good thing.

I'll just point out a few things I noticed though:

ry, or writing and help humanity with my skills acquired.honkyjoe

"acquired skills" would probably flow better.

I believe firmly in this sentence.honkyjoe

I think that sounds sort of awkward, maybe "saying" instead of "sentence", but I'm not sure.

grow mentally and physically older.honkyjoe

Again, saying "physically older" sounds a bit awkward.  You could just leave off the "older" altogether, or try rephrasing a bit.

your father owns a machine shop than College may not be a suitablehonkyjoe

This is a procedural cause and effect, rather than a comparative, so you should use "then" instead of "than".

And because of my College education I will be able too.honkyjoe

"to" instead of "too", since it isn't an "as well" statement.

to do what I love than I will be in the first row with my eyes and ears glued onto the professor.honkyjoe

Again, "then" instead of "than" because it isn't comparative.   And "eyes and ears glued onto the professor" sounds a bit informal compared to the rest of the essay.

If a College education will let me help others who happen to be less for fortunate than I will work even harder, knowing that someone could use my help in the future.honkyjoe

Foolz did post an alternate phrasing of this which I think works well.   But in its current version, you should drop the "for" between "less" and "fortunate" and it's "then" instead of "than".

*does a tap dance*

A couple of those are stylistic choices, which is definitely completely up to you whether you want to change it.   I think it would be a good idea to fix the ones that are grammar issues though. ;)

And good luck!   I hope you get the scholarship. :D

This essay is not as formal as your Common App personal statement, and it certainly isn’t as tightly structured as an academic essay. It is a letter addressed to someone your age, so you can relax your prose a little bit, add some humor, talk about your day if you like and let your personal voice come through.

Free essay samples https://youressayhelper.com/samples.html