Mario: The Hardcore

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Avatar image for YearoftheSnake5
#1 Edited by YearoftheSnake5 (9116 posts) -

I know what you’re thinking. Mario, he’s not hardcore. There’s not enough blood. There’s not enough death, destruction, and drugs to suit me. Well Sonnyjim, it’s time to open up that mind of yours and see Mario for the ruthless mass murderer that he really is – for behind the innocent, colorful facade lies the ultra-violent subliminal messages that assault our minds and corrupt our youth.

You think Kratos is violent? **** that noise! Mario has been murdering creatures with his bare hands since the 80s. No negative emotion, just jolly slaughter. It takes a certain kind of crazy run around and shamelessly enjoy murder. We’re talking about a Nazi-level mentality. Service with a smile!

For **** sake, you throw creatures into lava pits for laughs! And what pops up after you murder these poor souls? Money. Oodles of money. Smash them poor bastards to death and throw them into the lava to get rich. For several games in the series, you even regain LIFE by collecting coins. What’s the message here? Life revolves around money – so start stomping on people. If you want to groom your child to climb to the top of the corporate latter or be a lawyer, start them early with Mario.

No drugs? You serious, bro? Mario has been a shroom-driven trip through a Japanese Wonderland since the very beginning. This shit’s trippy. Mario constantly ingests mushrooms for various reasons. One of the earliest reasons was to simply get taller. Now that’s some subliminal messaging, there. Eat them shrooms to get high. If I was as wasted as Mario on a constant basis, you can be certain I’d be thinking about random super powers, going places that don’t actually exist and trying to break shit with my head.

Then, there’s the sexual aspect that shouldn't even need explaining. There’s obviously a love triangle here. Why is Peach so unguarded all the time? Why is she so damn submissive? The answer lies with Baby Bowser, who, in Super Mario Sunshine, referred to Peach as “Mama”. I rest my case.

There you have it. Mario – assaulting our minds with subliminal messages, steadily grooming us for some of the most violent endeavors in gaming and real life, all hidden under a thin veil of pretty colors and cotton candy. Don’t judge a book by its cutesy cover. Mario is almost as gangster as it gets.

That was a joke.

Avatar image for LordQuorthon
#2 Posted by LordQuorthon (5726 posts) -

Shut up.

Avatar image for Demonjoe93
#3 Posted by Demonjoe93 (9869 posts) -

10/10, would read again.

Avatar image for YearoftheSnake5
#4 Edited by YearoftheSnake5 (9116 posts) -

@LordQuorthon said:

Shut up.

Avatar image for always_explicit
#5 Edited by always_explicit (3379 posts) -

I enjoyed reading that. Im not sure why, but I did.

Avatar image for Heil68
#6 Posted by Heil68 (57942 posts) -

Pretty good!

Avatar image for nintendoboy16
#7 Edited by nintendoboy16 (34372 posts) -

@LordQuorthon said:

Shut up.

I know you think I'm a moron and you hate my ass because of it, but... what's your reason for this post I'm quoting?

Avatar image for The4thVIII
#9 Edited by The4thVIII (420 posts) -

Member all the violence in Forza 3 which is considered a hardcore game? Wait there is none? Oh... well TC... You failed.

Avatar image for YearoftheSnake5
#10 Edited by YearoftheSnake5 (9116 posts) -

@The4thVIII said:

Member all the violence in Forza 3 which is considered a hardcore game? Wait there is none? Oh... well TC... You failed.

You're not looking hard enough, brah. Ram the driver in front of you. Run him off the damn road. Whiplash and concussions everywhere. Be the typical rush-hour driver.

Avatar image for mems_1224
#11 Edited by mems_1224 (56917 posts) -

i always assumed the mario games were how he sees the world while on shrooms and he's actually going on a murdering rampage through new york.