Most users might not seem threatening, but when an opportunity presents itself, the stereotypical posters without fail always pounce (in their own way) in the animal kingdom. This is a survival guide to help identify the list of the "flora and fauna" here in SW.
Fanboys
We start off with one of the most common (and worst) specimens of the System Wars board. Whether it a "Hermit" or your standard "Cow," they all behave and act identical. Often wrongly accusing others of of being fanboys of the opposing brand simply because they do not like them. It may not be easily visible at first, but once a negative or overtly positive remark is posted, and the rabble starts... you will. And they are all equally stupid, no matter how superior some might think they are to the others. Many forms* of the Fanboy.
*see 'The White Knight'
Spec Whores
Those that will argue with constant (and many times nonsense) specs. And try to lord their "knowledge" over everyone. Pretends graphics are the most important thing in gaming, although you may find the few who honestly believe such. These days, you will usually find them lingering in a thread that has been long dead, battling over resolution with some poor s.o.b. Nothing close to the actual Guru*.
*see ' The Guru'
The Prevaricator
Just your standard shit poster posting lamentably and blatant fake facts as true (nothing like the true version), or sometimes just posting quips and one-liners, adding absolutely no value to the conversation. Hides among the Birds-on-a-Wire*.
*see 'Birds-on-a-Wire'
The Drama Queen
Every week, the Queen has a new Drama. Someone is ill in her family. Her turtle is dying from dehydration. Her car has only one functional cylinder. Her lawnmower is sputtering. Her tricycle is missing a wheel. She has an ingrown hair on her knuckle. Prayers are being requested and granted. She has hysterics if a needle falls in the haystack. Daring to ask what is really going on will cause a bout of online tears, wailing, gnashing of teeth, and grand pProclamations that since no one cares, the Queen is Leaving. However, it is hard to slam the door behind you, when the message board does not provide you with good sound effects.
The Journalist
Loves to give the news of the day. May give that same news on several forums in the same day. Getting the news may not be so bad, but quite often the Journalist is so quick to post the news, that The Journalist does not realize it has already been posted, and replied to, several times.
The Investigator
When one person asks a question, the Investigator is the first one to research it, and post an answer. Usually keeps Wikipedia handy, but will resort to other search engines. Thrives on discovering bad information in a thread, and rushes to provide the correct information to the Information Deprived Masses. Can be quite helpful at times, but usually uses this trait as an alternate means to troll. Gets quite moody when proven wrong. Similar, but not to be confused with The Hyperthymesiac*.
*see 'The Hyperthymesiac'
The Hyperthymesiac
Knows the history of any given subject, down to how many buttons were worn on a child’s suit 28 years ago. Woe to anyone who posts an incorrect fact, as that will cause an immediate response meant to show the original poster they are WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! because the Hyperthymesiac knows ALL, and remembers ALL. But the Hyperthymesiac hides under the "being helpful" disguise, much like The Investigator, vowing that the Masses need to know the truth of knowledge. Despises The Oracle*.
*see 'The Oracle'
The Nosey Parker
Has to know everyone’s business, and usually on several boards. At the slightest sign of distress or dissension, rushes to the ‘aid’ of the victim, but privately. Parker is also a saver, one who keeps an archive of all conversations, and throws them up to the pubic whenever it will make Parker look better. But make enemies with the Nosey Parker and you may find some details of your personal life allocated throughout the community board. May be in cahoots with The Hyperthymesiac and The Oracle. Drama Queens... beware.
The Anarchist
Hates authority, and hates it when that authority is exercised against the Anarchist. When blocked, the Anarchist proceeds to lob grenades and bombs at the Authority target. So single-minded, the Anarchist will continue the battle to the bitter end of a board, then move on to another board, still blindly lobbing grenades at the original Authority figure. It does not matter that the original target is not available, the Anarchist continues to throw the same grenades in hopes that one will score a hit.
The Megalomaniac
Grandiose, self-deprecating, righteous, and if nothing else... smug. The Megalomaniac will fabricate achievements, using emotional diatribe to alternately gather admirers and then alienate any and all members who threaten their importance. Always over the top, the Megalomaniac has Seen It All, Done It All, Has It All and Knows It All – anyone who differs in opinion is not worth cultivating, but will suffer shunning and verbal stoning! Often an extreme Fanboy archetype. Not to be confused with the V.I.P.*
*see 'The V.I.P.'
The Weeaboo
Obsessed with Japan, is the authority on Anime, Japanese foods, culture/religion and all-things Japanese. Attempts to act as if they were Japanese, even though they aren't. Usually fond of JRPGs and will bash any Western -related gaming system, franchise or gameplay mechanic. Will argue for hours about how superior Japanese development is compared to the West. But if you make the mistake of mentioning the impressive strides of the last decade of modern Western game development or Japan's new affinity toward mobile gaming... be prepared for irrational attacks that stem from deep within their self-confusion.
The Henchman
Not intelligent enough to fight an up-front battle of wits, the Henchman will purposefully ally with the nearest victimized complainer in order to wage attacks against perceived perpetrators. Usually swarming to the aide and rescue and his or her fellow fanboy with "+1" comments to reinforce an argument not of their own. When the Henchman is “outed” and finds the 'Champions' of The Henchman isn’t worthy of such defense, the Henchman will immediately jump ship in search of the next victimized egomaniac. Often falls prey to The Megalomaniac.
The Perv
Lies in wait for the perfect "that's what she said" moment... or anything remotely having to do with innuendo... to post a an inappropriate sex joke as a reply. Often uses sexy females as their avatar. And thrives in posting animated gifs of bouncing boobs, twerking asses or female crotch shots. Is known to search through filters for hours to find the perfect, revealing image without violating the ToS of the nudity guidelines. Does not typically troll, but is very aware of others with under-sexualized behavior to rub in their faces of the fact.
The Peck-a-Little, Talk-a-Little, Cheep-Cheep-Cheep Flock
Never happy with any change, and is first to flame new users here on the SW. Changing the format of the board, introducing a new group, bringing in new ideas invite the Flock to get together, and proceed to tear apart whatever offended them. Amazingly, the Flock soon morphs into a pack of Wolves chasing down their prey. It is not pretty.
The Crazys
Legitimately something is wrong. Their posting patterns and online behavior are usually manifested in the form of grandiose "facts" of the world, and every post is seemingly off-topic. Sometimes very smart... usually The Crazys are harmless, wanting to buy you video games and video game systems in exchange for listening to them rant about the afterlife over voice chat. But don't **** with them. Ever. For your own sake. No matter how stupid they sound sometimes with their wild ideas, there is a reason we're calling them "The Crazys."
The Evil Denizen
A mythical individual on another board who all are required to despise. Often accused of posting inflammatory lies and deceptions about the SW or another board, users are nonetheless prohibited under penalty of “forum ban” from even visiting the purported site supposedly hosted by the Evil Denizen. Those who venture in violation of the rule are often puzzled at the fact that the Evil Denizen’s site has nothing inflammatory at all, and are hugely disappointed.
The Guru
Not to be mistaken for a simple Spec Whore or "Hermit." The Guru is a special and rare gamer and poster archtype here on the SW that holds intimacy and value of the PC platform high--HIGH above any other gaming, audio or tech -related medium. Their knowledge about specs is vast... and you nor I have never seen a rig like theirs outside of a picture on a website. Considers themselves to be masters of the craft. Rarely trolls, but sometimes will politely scoff or throw in a joke at the peasants. But is content with the games they play and the circles they jerk to.
The Oracle
Knows what you “meant” to say, even though you did not remotely say anything close to the subject. Will dissect every word, letter, and punctuation mark in a given post looking for a tell-tale sign that can be used to PROVE you don’t mean what you say. The Oracle will save any and all such potentially revealing posts for months, and mysteriously “recall” the outdated information at the perfect moment, using it as a club to batter the original poster into abject fear. Sometimes partners with The Nosey Parker. Often displays behavior similar to The Offended*.
*see 'The Offended'
The Nonchalant
Extremely smug and sarcastic with every post. One cannot tell if The Nonchalant is joking or being completely serious. If you ask which, don't be surprised if you are met with dissatisfaction over the fact you are "too dumb" comprehend the English language fully, or that you sadly, have no sense of humor. Too cool for school, The Nonshalant never gets mad. And will remind you this, while insisting you need to take it easy before furthering the conversation.
The Peacenik
Preaches peace and civility among fellow SW users. Waits until the thread is almost dead, and then arrives to try and create Peace, Love, and Happiness amongst the board members. The thread then erupts again into a volcano of emotion. Being largely ignored in the midst of the thread, this enables the Peacenik to proclaim “I tried to stop it, but they would not listen!” Or designating the source of the problem to a single user or group and attacks them with the majority of the thread. The Peacenik then retreats to meditate once again until the thread has died down.
The Old School
A hardcore gamer 10 years ago. Will be the first to grimace at the topic of modern gameplay mechanics and has been known to argue them, always falling back on library of video games from 40+ years ago. Platformers and JRPGs are the only thing they tend to play these days, if not for their repeating backlog of games. And has extensive knowledge of obscure game releases in the 90s, 80s... and sometimes even the 70s. Plays Chrono Trigger and MGS1 annually. And loves debating the importance of table-top RPGs and how they fathered the birth of the modern gameplay mechanic of video games. Strangely enough, The Old School will often lie on the SW about his age, pretending to be older than he actually is.
The Birds-on-a-Wire
Sleepily lurking, they rarely land in a board, unless a post arouses suspicion that it may be aimed at one of the Flock. One will then swoop in, and rush to the defense of the maligned Flock member. At the same time, the telephone wires are heating up, and soon all of the Wired Birds are in the thread. Soon, the Flock takes on the appearance of Buzzards battling over the least scrap. Good buddies with The Peck-a-Little, Talk-a-Little, Cheep-Cheep-Cheep Flock. Not to be confused with The Henchman.
The V.I.P.
Very Important, this Person is. The VIP thrives on letting you know that, well... he has a lot going on in his life. Can be just as grandiose as the Megalomaniac, and similar, but with the emphasis on the proud fact he has all but given up gaming for being high on life. He isn't some nerd on the forums, no sir. He is an adult. The VIP graduated high school--nay--college, has a job, his own place, friends, and maybe even a wife or girlfriend. He likes to work out and video games just aren't the highest of priorities on his list, "lol." The VIP is usually a casual gamer, or maybe even used to be one of The Old School at one point of time. Debate the topic of video games with the him in a serious manner and he will feign ignorance or disdain, reminding you he has more important things to do and think about. Why the VIP is even on a video game forum, is a mystery to everybody.
The Offended
Every post, every stereotype being made and every generalization... is without a doubt targeted toward The Offended. No joke can be made without using him as an example. And any and all references about anything derogatory toward the gamer or anything the gamer has an affinity to was obviously alluding to him. At least... that is the way it goes in his own head. And will defend furiously out of outrage in posts, derailing every thread. Often times arguing with the board ghosts or someone who has no idea what is going on. Similar to The Oracle, but without the "clairvoyant" certainty he is right.
The Alt
Similar to the lurker (Birds-on-a-Wire) in the sense that the account sits with not post for quite some time and then posts on a controversial thread to troll and bait. Alter Ego of the Fanboy primarily but others on occasion as well. Almost always give themselves away.
The White Knight
A fanboy in denial. Protecting the brand and protecting fanboys that follow that same brand. Always trying and saying they are better, while always contradicting themselves every chance they get by insulting the competing brand, sometimes without even knowing it. Downplaying every gain and faking disinterest, along with berating the competitions fans via exaggeration and constant calls of hypocrisy and childlessness. On controversial news against the competitor will finally have the courage to leave their brands board to gloat and troll. And of course follow suit much more in the safety of their brand's board. The absolute unpleasant trait for a moderator to have. Worse than the Fanboy, only one thing* worse than the White Knight.
*see The Troll
The Troll
If you've been on the internet long enough you've encountered them. Lowest form of existence on the SW and the web. Similar to the Fanboy but with the only intent to cause anarchy, harm, anger, anguish and all out war even if its directed at them. Although in many cases they team with the Fanboy and other Trolls. The best you can do in a Troll situation is IGNORE AND REPORT again IGNORE AND REPORT. Any further communication will be pointless and feed them to further their crap.
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Finally finished with all the official archtypes. Complete and with new and updated entries! More can be edited in, so if you have any requests or ideas, post em. I've already started to get nice comments, even before I was done editing in all the entries. So, thanks to everyone with their praise.
Shout out to Reapersoze for coming up with the original and supplying most of the content. Thanks, bud!
This thread is for fun and is not to be taken seriously. Careful not to be The Offended here, although I'm sure there will be a few that think some of these were directed at them (although a few of the quotes were supplied from the individual users here in SW, lol).
I would also like to take an important moment to note that there will not be entries made for all the special different types of fanboys, i.e.:
"Cows" (PlayStation fanboys), "Lemmings" (Xbox fanboys), "Hermits" (PC fanboys) or "Sheep" (Nintendo fanboys)... because frankly, they are all in the very first entry. With the exception of the "Manticore," which by definition, isn't a fanboy at all. I hope this clears that up.
Thank you SW and interwebs~
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