What are some of your favorite jokes from comedians?

I've recently gotten into Anthony Jeselnik, and one of his jokes really stood out to me as top-notch:

Anyways, what are some of the classic lines from comedians that stuck out to you?

"Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.... He loves you and he needs money." - George Carlin

Hard to pick out just one but anything from Eddie Izzard, Lewis Black, Doug Stanhope, or George Carlin works.

"Nah, that Rodney King tape, it's all about perspective. All about how you look at it. For instance, you play that tape in reverse and you can see us helping Mr. King up and sending him on his way." - Bill Hicks

"Black people can't mess with time machines. That is strictly a white priviledge. Black people are like "Ohh, anything before 1980 I don't wanna go." - Louis C.K

Don't you hate it,

when you're in bed with three women,

and the least attractive one whispers in your ear 'save it for me'.

[spoiler] Jim Carrey doing 'observational humour' [/spoiler]

Chris Rock's bit about bullet control.

Eddie Murphy's bit on the Ice Cream man.

Most of Jeremy Hotz's routine. His delivery is key.

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Can't think of the exact wording so I wont try.

I like George Calin on religion, and how dumb most people are.

I like Louis CK on how being white is totally f--ing awesome.

I also like Chappelle's racist jokes.

dave chappelle's how to prevent teen pregnancy.

one of the best skits ever!!

Noone should be offended by a joke, unless it was intentionally an offence disguised as a joke.dramaybaz

*Jimmy Carr*

their was a record number of people shooting themselves in this small town in America

was it because they put the diabetic clinic next to the donut shop?

This has always been a personal fav clip of mine:

Daniel Tosh-WWJD

I love how people are just referring to jokes, as if everyone has already heard them and are just like, "Oh yeah! That one."Razor-Lazor

Oh I remember a joke!! Chris Rock on using drugs, I think it was Speed where he talked about doing a whole days work in like 5 minutes, was pretty funny.

[QUOTE="dramaybaz"]Noone should be offended by a joke, unless it was intentionally an offence disguised as a joke.MrGeezer

Louis CK on being broke.

And even tho some people might get on my case about this because Michael Jackson is dead, I still think Katt Williams' brutal Michael Jackson rant is hilarious.