It's been a while.
By "a while" I mean 7 years from two days ago. Yes. 7 whole years since my last blog post.
May not seem so long in the grand scheme of things, but reading back at my old posts, blogs and reviews...boy, I was basically a whole different person! You don't always know how much you changed unless you actually see how your old self was. I guess that's the good thing in having an online blog or a diary. In my case, I was about 15 years old back then. Now being almost 24 I laughed and, honestly, got embarrassed by not just what I was posting but how I was posting. My spelling, my grammar, my God...
Anyway, past self-loathing aside, I don't know who's going to read this blog post, maybe a follower from the good 'ol days, someone who just stumbles upon this out of boredom or by accident, or maybe some guy from the future looking through humanity's past "accomplishments", but I'm mostly writing this for myself. To maybe see in another 5-7 years how I've changed again (if GameSpot is still there).
Regardless, so what's been happening since 2010....hmmm....
For one, I studied graphic design and other IT related stuff and been living my life as usual.
Then I started working in September of 2011. Little did I know that'll be the event that changed my life the most. At first, I was a bit nervous, made many mistakes, but I had a good boss who was also my friend, and he pushed me through it. I learned so much. How to write properly, how to conduct business, working on MS Office, building connections, establishing client relationships, all sorts of good stuff. It was really difficult, but in hindsight it was totally worth it and the skills I've learned would benefit me BIG TIME now.
The second biggest moment that affected my life was travelling. For some complicated reasons, me, my mom and sisters had to leave for a couple of months. This was in January of 2013. I was about 19 and living with my mom and sisters at the time and have never been away from them. The plan was to go, visit my dad, then come back and continue our lives as usual. However, there was a snag. My mom was not able to come back with me or my sisters. Some kind of Immigration nonsense. So, we spent the next few weeks (maybe months) trying to get my mother to come back but it didn't go anywhere. In the process I've met an eccentric individual who would have a larger than average role in my life and I learned a lot about people and how things work in this world (#SoDramatic). Slowly, but surely, we started to accept the fact that my mom won't be able to return and she had to manage outside the country we've been living for over 20 years.
In the meantime, I was working in the same company, getting promoted doing all kinds of new stuff. Making new friends. Started watching anime (thanks partly to my sister showing me Attack on Titan S1), and reading all kinds of life-improvement articles, dealing with paperwork, immigration and otherwise.
Eventually, I became a charismatic, confident, efficient gentleman. I was adored by everyone and I felt good. Maybe this is partly me looking at the past through rose-coloured glasses but hey, it's what I remember.
Then sometime around early to mid-2015, I think, something happened. I started feeling down. Maybe it was work pressure, family pressure, the fact I was away from my mom for so long, who knows. But around this point, I stopped feeling good. I stopped feeling confident, efficient or capable. And I felt like it was getting worse.
Now, stupidly, to try and fix that I was seeking materialistic remedies. You know, I bought a PS4 (The Witcher 3 was the big thing at the time), I started watching more anime, movies, cartoons, series, bought books, bought figures, bought more video games, bought merchandise, to try and make myself feel better. Now, I was earning pretty well at the time so money was never an issue. However, although it might've numbed the bad feeling at times, it always kept coming back. I started getting angry at unbelievably small stuff, I had an attitude, I started hating people, I would feel tightness in my chest and screem and cry. I get shudders just remembering how it felt. I didn't think it was obvious to everyone else at the time (I thought I was a good actor, ha), but I'm pretty sure EVERYONE knew something was up. I seeked solace in other materialistic stuff but I would hardly try spiritual remedies although I consider myself pretty religious. Basically, although I was denying it, I was pretty depressed.
Around this time (late-2015) I started playing GTA Online on my PS4. I was hooked. I made so many online friends (what's up, Titanking14!), and I stuck to that as a painkiller. However, also around this time my health was getting affected. My productivity at work was shoddy, my relationship with my colleagues and family members was shaky, I was become a recluse. A loner. A shut in.
Then it got too much. In March of 2016, I snapped. I couldn't work anymore. I couldn't stay with the same people I was staying with anymore. Not that the people were, they were and are, amazing friends and I am grateful that they're still with me. But I was not feeling good. I started getting bad thoughts. Seriously, terminal kinda thoughts.
That's when the people around me got involved and told me to take a break. Especially by boss/good friend. He helped so much during this time and after. I went to stay with my family (uncle, auntie, sisters) in a different city. This helped somewhat. I felt relaxed and I was having fun with my sisters. Doing new things. Watching new stuff. We even played some of our now favourite games during that time. Yet, I would still feel the pain. The tightness. I would still have those thoughts and at a point I spent the night outside the house because... I was nuts, I guess.
I decided, or rather, things lead to me going to visit my mom. I booked the ticket, my friends and family supported me and off I went in December, 2016.
This was another point in my life where things changed big time. I saw my mom. I was happy... for a while. This did not cure what I was feeling and my mom noticed. This obviously hurt her and I wished I did things different, but anyway. My mom convinced me to visit this doctor and take medication. I did that. The medication made things worse in the beginning, but later on it made me more melancholy. I felt like I had a slower reaction to everything and my emotions were kept in check. Even the good emotions like joy or laughter. I was basically suppressed. But, at least, I stopped having those thoughts. I stopped getting that pain in my chest. It was worth it. Oh, and it basically made me drop dead whenever I take the night dose. I can't remember 90% of the stuff I did after I took those pills.
I digress. During that time with my mom, I tried different stuff. I worked as a waiter for a couple of weeks, I was a clerk in a Gift Shop for a month and I even went for a photoshoot. Yes, a modeling photoshoot where I was modeling. It was surreal, believe me. I actually felt like a scene from Zoolander or something. In anycase, I started feeling stuck and decided that I should travel. So, with the the help of my step-dad and my mom I visited Malaysia for a month to see what opportunities were there. There wasn't much, but we liked it. Then I saw my father again as well as my half-brother and sister. At that time, my step-dad told me of an opportunity in Japan. I was worried at first but the thought grew on me.
So, as Uma Thurman famously said in Kill Bill, I bought one ticket to Tokyo. This was in July, 2017, so just a few months ago. Boy, the experience was something else ENTIRELY. The first two months, I was just looking for work. Whatever work I could find. Nothing. Then September rolled up and I started working at a company, and started going out in Japan, seeing the place, and I fell in love. No, not with a person, but the country. I loved their way of life, their culture, the way they do business, their roads, their cities, their kindness, their little nuances that make the people different from any other people I've seen. Then I visited Akihabara (aka Otaku City, Nerd Land, Anime Central, etc) and I was overwhelmed. That's the only place in Japan that I've willingly travelled to twice and that still wasn't enough. I saw so many things in Japan that make me unbelievably curious as to what else is there. However, by the end of September I had to leave due to immigration issues and the company I was at weren't able to arrange my paperwork in time.
Anyhow, so I came back to Malaysia. Stayed for about a week. Met a couple of guys, made connections, watched a couple of nice movies (Mother! and Blade Runner 2049) then I visited my mom and sisters for about two weeks. Gave them gifts I got from Japan and they gave me stuff. We did things together, watched cool movies and that's when I started Twin Peaks. Then I came back to Malaysia which is where I am now.
As I am sitting here, in bed, at 02:16 PM on November 2nd, 2017, writing on my HP laptop while suffering from the insomnia caused by the Twin Peaks finale (darn you, Laura!), I'm writing this blog on GameSpot. A site that I barely use nowadays. I just came here because I was changing my social media profile pictures and I remembered I had a GameSpot account so I changed my PP to 2B from Nier: Automata which I am currently obsessed with and hoping to play very soon.
Thinking about it, writing everything that happened these past few years, I feel kinda relieved, to be honest. Maybe it's the fact I could pour my heart out over the internet without worrying about someone taking advantage of it (basically, the anonymity of the internet), but I probably wouldn't write all this otherwise. I am glad I did.
I might do another blog about what are my gaming interests these days, since this is GAMEspot and all.
But for now, if you've actually read all this: Thanks. I guess. Not sure what else to say. I hope you can learn something from it. You know. If you're someone from the distant future, feel free to try and contact me. I obviously won't give my contact details now but I am sure your future tech is able to find out who and where I am. If I am still here at that time. Even if nobody reads this blogs or knows it exists I'm still glad I wrote it. For my own sake.
In the end, I'm grateful for everything that I have, and all the experiences I went through. I have no regrets... I think.
I'm starting to feel good again.
Peace out!
P.S. Yes, I just ended my blog with my cringey trademark of ending all my posts with "Peace Out..." - ugh, I used to use a capital O on the second word... the horror.
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