Texas makes male masturbation illegal

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Avatar image for br0kenrabbit
#1 Edited by br0kenrabbit (15045 posts) -

So upon reading the news today about the abortion bill in Texas being overturned, I came across this little tidbit:

_____________________________________________________

Story

The legislature was able to accomplish another aspect of their pro-life agenda though, a ban on male masturbation.

The new measure will go into effect on January 1, 2014 which will make many forms of male masturbation illegal. Exceptions include sperm donations, which now must only be performed at a designated hospital facility.

Those found in violation of the new law could be sentenced up to two years in prison.

Legislators were hopeful they would be able to have time to pass another bill which would have nullified Obamacare, the federal legislation in which many are decrying as government getting in between people and their doctor and making healthcare decisions for people.

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Ahhh...you silly little neo-cons. It'd be cute if it wasn't so infuriating.

Avatar image for Brain_Duster
#2 Edited by Brain_Duster (473 posts) -

I'm sure they can enforce this.

Avatar image for Makhaidos
#3 Edited by Makhaidos (2162 posts) -

Individual liberties and all that. Though I'm pretty sure tribuneherald.net is like a much cleverer version of the Onion.

Avatar image for thebest31406
#4 Edited by thebest31406 (3775 posts) -

What?! Why?! What is the political incentive for enacting shit like this?

Avatar image for squitsquat
#5 Posted by squitsquat (1990 posts) -

we should all fap in protest

Avatar image for LordRork
#7 Posted by LordRork (2691 posts) -

I'm getting this amusing picture of Policemen knocking down a door and shouting "Hands where we can see them!"

It's tagged with 'Satire' and the e-mail is a gmail address...

Seems legit.

Avatar image for br0kenrabbit
#8 Edited by br0kenrabbit (15045 posts) -

@Makhaidos said:

Individual liberties and all that. Though I'm pretty sure tribuneherald.net is like a much cleverer version of the Onion.

I hope you're right, I've never heard of The Tribune Herald so I dunno.

Avatar image for GazaAli
#10 Edited by GazaAli (25216 posts) -

What If I told you that masturbation isn't illegal in Gaza rofl

Gaza 1-Texas 0

Avatar image for ad1x2
#11 Edited by ad1x2 (6583 posts) -

Took a few seconds to find this.

Avatar image for br0kenrabbit
#12 Edited by br0kenrabbit (15045 posts) -

@ad1x2 said:

Took a few seconds to find this.

Nice. I did Google but didn't find that one.

Avatar image for johnd13
#13 Posted by johnd13 (9206 posts) -

What about female masturbation?

Avatar image for perfect_blue
#14 Posted by Perfect_Blue (29819 posts) -

LOL the American Taliban strike again!

Avatar image for deeliman
#15 Edited by deeliman (3728 posts) -

All behold the party of small government!

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#16 Edited by Pirate700 (46465 posts) -

@ad1x2 said:

Took a few seconds to find this.

Well that faps...er, wraps this one up.

Avatar image for konvikt_17
#17 Posted by konvikt_17 (22378 posts) -

Ha! in jail:

So what are you in for?

I KILLED A MAN!!!!

What about you?

oh um, i was masturbating in my room...

Avatar image for MakeMeaSammitch
#18 Posted by MakeMeaSammitch (4889 posts) -

@deeliman: It doesn't count if it has to do with your sex life.

Avatar image for ad1x2
#19 Edited by ad1x2 (6583 posts) -

@johnd13 said:

What about female masturbation?

Well, the idea of the story was that when a guy blows his load he is committing mass genocide to his sperm.

Avatar image for perfect_blue
#20 Posted by Perfect_Blue (29819 posts) -
@deeliman said:

All behold the party of small government!

Haha they stopped being that a looooooong time ago. Now they're big government (except for the rich) that loves entering into people's bedrooms. The modern GOP is cancer and I wouldn't blink an eye if the whole party just imploded.

Avatar image for konvikt_17
#21 Posted by konvikt_17 (22378 posts) -

@ad1x2 said:

@johnd13 said:

What about female masturbation?

Well, the idea of the story was that when a guy blows his load he is committing mass genocide to his sperm.

dont they die anyways if you dont eject them?

Avatar image for perfect_blue
#22 Posted by Perfect_Blue (29819 posts) -

@konvikt_17 said:

@ad1x2 said:

@johnd13 said:

What about female masturbation?

Well, the idea of the story was that when a guy blows his load he is committing mass genocide to his sperm.

dont they die anyways if you dont eject them?

Yeah dead sperm are ejaculated through wet dreams.

Avatar image for johnd13
#23 Edited by johnd13 (9206 posts) -

@konvikt_17 said:

@ad1x2 said:

@johnd13 said:

What about female masturbation?

Well, the idea of the story was that when a guy blows his load he is committing mass genocide to his sperm.

dont they die anyways if you dont eject them?

What does that make wet dreams? An unfortunate accident? lol

edit: nvm aljosa answered this

Avatar image for deeliman
#24 Posted by deeliman (3728 posts) -

@Aljosa23 said:

@konvikt_17 said:

@ad1x2 said:

@johnd13 said:

What about female masturbation?

Well, the idea of the story was that when a guy blows his load he is committing mass genocide to his sperm.

dont they die anyways if you dont eject them?

Yeah dead sperm are ejaculated through wet dreams.

I wonder why I never have wet dreams.

Avatar image for chrisrooR
#25 Posted by chrisrooR (9027 posts) -

What an idiotic law

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#26 Posted by wis3boi (32507 posts) -

@Pirate700 said:

@ad1x2 said:

Took a few seconds to find this.

Well that faps...er, wraps this one up.

sup Freud

Avatar image for ad1x2
#27 Posted by ad1x2 (6583 posts) -

@konvikt_17 said:

@ad1x2 said:

@johnd13 said:

What about female masturbation?

Well, the idea of the story was that when a guy blows his load he is committing mass genocide to his sperm.

dont they die anyways if you dont eject them?

Who says a satire story has to make perfect sense? It only has to avoid being so outrageous that anybody smarter than Forrest Gump would know it is bogus upon first glance.

Avatar image for Jd1680a
#28 Edited by Jd1680a (5958 posts) -

One Texas lawmaker joyously announced after the passing of the measure, “this marks a milestone for the pro-life movement! We must protect the unborn any way we can; I’m very proud that my fellow legislators voted to protect life, even in its earliest stages!”

Unconstitutional. Texas have no right to get into someone's private business.

Avatar image for foxhound_fox
#29 Edited by foxhound_fox (96552 posts) -

Avatar image for Allicrombie
#30 Edited by Allicrombie (26207 posts) -

they should have some kind of death squad that patrols the streets of Houston, looking for violators. =P

Avatar image for deeliman
#31 Posted by deeliman (3728 posts) -

@Allicrombie said:

they should have some kind of death squad that patrols the streets of Houston, looking for violators.

They already have the NSA.

Avatar image for toast_burner
#32 Posted by toast_burner (24664 posts) -

@thebest31406 said:

What?! Why?! What is the political incentive for enacting shit like this?

They're pro-lifers, what do you expect?

Avatar image for s_h_a_d_o
#33 Edited by s_h_a_d_o (1317 posts) -

@br0kenrabbit said:

_____________________________________________________

Story

The legislature was able to accomplish... a ban on male masturbation.

Isn't that somewhat sexist? :|

Sweden is a little more liberal apparently (as discussed here by Wil Anderson and Dan Ilic - language may offend).

Perhaps the Texas Legislature might want to consider importing a school or two of Pacu.

Avatar image for TacticalDesire
#34 Edited by TacticalDesire (10713 posts) -

I feel like not enough on OT realize that this is a completely satirical article.

Avatar image for PannicAtack
#35 Edited by PannicAtack (21040 posts) -

ITT: People still think The Onion is a real news source.

Avatar image for deactivated-59f03d6ce656b
#36 Posted by deactivated-59f03d6ce656b (2944 posts) -


"Tribune Herald is for satirical purposes only."

Texas republicans are crazy but not that crazy.

Avatar image for lamprey263
#37 Edited by lamprey263 (34376 posts) -

this could be interesting...

"Today tens-of-thousands of people staged a protest at the state capital and openly masturbated in protest of the states law that outlaws masturbation More at 11."

Anyhow, I think it's safe to assume that Republicans are 110% responsible for this, in case they try to spread blame to the "state legislature".

Title really needs to read "Texas Republicans make male masturbation illegal".

Avatar image for dave123321
#38 Edited by dave123321 (35329 posts) -

Tc is a guiilible bugger

Avatar image for Jd1680a
#39 Edited by Jd1680a (5958 posts) -

Does Texas have a stellar child welfare program? What are the pro lifers plan when people have unwanted births?

Avatar image for Fightingfan
#40 Posted by Fightingfan (38011 posts) -

@ad1x2 said:

@johnd13 said:

What about female masturbation?

Well, the idea of the story was that when a guy blows his load he is committing mass genocide to his sperm.

Sex is still genocide as only one sperm survives.

Avatar image for Nibroc420
#41 Edited by Nibroc420 (13571 posts) -

@dave123321 said:

Tc is a guiilible bugger

Seems most of the posters in this thread are...

Avatar image for Serraph105
#42 Posted by Serraph105 (31633 posts) -

Well at least they are going after men for a change.

Avatar image for the_bi99man
#43 Posted by the_bi99man (11242 posts) -

For everyone in this thread who's just as gullible (stupid) as TC, I'll be like the 5th person to repeat: It's a joke. The site is satire news, akin to the Onion.

Avatar image for TacticalDesire
#44 Edited by TacticalDesire (10713 posts) -

@PannicAtack said:

ITT: People still think The Onion is a real news source.

The story isn't in The Onion...

Avatar image for the_bi99man
#45 Edited by the_bi99man (11242 posts) -

@TacticalDesire said:

@PannicAtack said:

ITT: People still think The Onion is a real news source.

The story isn't in The Onion...

It's from another site that is also explicitly satire. Says so right on the webpage. The Onion isn't the only "news source" that publishes fake articles, strictly for the purpose of comedic entertainment. The Tribune Herald is one of many others. They don't even try to hide it.

Avatar image for hippiesanta
#46 Posted by hippiesanta (10299 posts) -

so now masturbation are like marijuana by law ... lol

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#47 Posted by 4myAmuzumament (1791 posts) -

solution: all Texas men should protest by masturbating on one single night and then calling the police immediately after finishing to turn themselves in. the prisons will be overrun and the law will be overturned.

Avatar image for mystic_knight
#48 Posted by mystic_knight (13801 posts) -

Hahaha Gold. I have to admit the reaction is more enjoyable than the article itself.

@Allicrombie said:

they should have some kind of death squad that patrols the streets of Houston, looking for violators. =P

You looking for a job opening ?

Avatar image for Dogswithguns
#49 Posted by Dogswithguns (11357 posts) -

So, I can't touch myself no more?.. oh, that song I remember.

Avatar image for tenaka2
#50 Posted by tenaka2 (17052 posts) -

Land of the free :P