Post a joke

Here’s mine...

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize?

Because he was out standing in his field.

-Milton Jones

911 what's your emergency?

I was out hunting with my friend and I accidentally shot him dead!

Are you sure he's dead?

Hold on. *sound of shotgun* Yeah.

Why shouldn't you send a snowman a Valentine?

Because his heart would melt.

(Courtesy of Amazon Echo).

-Byshop

-one m men said hahah

the crowd laught too

What do you call it when Batman leaves church? A Christian Bail

What did the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall? Dam

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Ok here is kind of a long one:

So there's this nice bar at the top of a hotel. Guy walks in and takes a seat, orders a drink, and after a while the guy sitting next to him walks over to the railing and jumps off.

The guy freaks out and is like "WTF did you just see that?!" and the bartender is like "Mmm-hmm, pretty cool right?"

Five minutes later, the guy that jumped off the top of the building steps off the elevator and takes the same seat he had earlier next to the guy. Guy is like "Dude, how'd you do that?" and the jumper says "Oh it's a neat trick, at around the 5th floor there's an updraft and it knocks you into the laundry room where there are a bunch of pillows. So the guy, a few drinks in, is like "Wow I gotta try this!" and jumps. He falls all the way to the ground and dies.

Bartender looks at the jumper and is like "Superman, you can be a real dick sometimes".

Does anyone know the answer to the question 'what do you call a one eyed tyrannosaurus rex'?

Sigh. This one will probably get deleted. Just don't ask me where I heard it from.

A man with a small penis comes across a wizard's hut. Curious, he enters it. The wizard, using his magical powers, correctly deduces that the man is insecure about his penis, and wishes it was larger. The wizard summons his magical energies, then casts a spell on the man. He then tells the man that every time someone apologizes to him, his penis will grow by one inch. The wizard disappears into thin air, along with his hut.

Astonished but still skeptical, he tests out the spell. He spots an English man and carefully bumps into him. The English man goes: "Oh, sorry." The man waves him by, then checks under his pants. His penis has grown one inch, just as the wizard said it would.

Ecstatic, he tries again, this time bumping into an Australian man. The Australian man goes: "Oh, sorry mate." Again, the man waves him by, and checks his penis. Again, his penis has grown by another inch.

Satisfied with his day, he walks home. Along the way, however, he bumps into an Indian man. As they regather themselves, the Indian man utters:

"Oh, a thousand apologies."

I just thought of one.

Dog walks into a doctors.

Doctor: 'how are you feeling'?

Dog: 'ruff!'

What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

bahaahahahahhahaha

OK, that one got me. Well played, sir.

@mandzilla: they would have to be holding paws but ok nice one. Maybe they had mixamatosis.

A man lost in the desert tumbles down a sand dune and as he gets himself back up, his fingers drag across something in the sand. As he grips it and pulls it out, he recognizes it as a rusty old lamp. He gives it a shine with his shirt and is knocked back by a force and blue smoke issues forth from the lamp. A genie forms from the smoke and addresses the man, in complete shock.

"I am the Genie of the Lamp! Thank you for freeing me! I will now grant you three wishes! But, be careful, for everything you wish for, your wife gets double!"

Astonished at his discovery, he doesn't even think about his wife and immediately asks for a mansion right where he's at.

"Granted! Your wife now has two mansions!"

"WHAT?!" he says flabbergasted. "Why does my wife get two mansions?"

The genie repeats. "I said, whatever you wish for, your wife gets double."

The man apologizes. "Oh, sorry. I guess I didn't hear you the first time." He takes a minute to think. "Well, I guess if I get what I really want, my wife getting twice as much shouldn't really bother me. Fine. For my second wish, I wish for one billion dollars!"

"Granted! Your wife now has two billion dollars!"

The man really gets peeved now. He thought, "I have a billion dollars! Her having two billion shouldn't upset me but it does!" He takes several more moments to think about his next wish. What could be the one thing that he'd be ok with her having twice as much?

"Are you ready for your third and final wish?" the genie asks.

"I am, Genie. I wish for you to beat me half to death."

"Granted!"

I have a joke...

PSN

The End

Here's one.

Xbox One

The End.

A penguin’s penguin car breaks down so he takes it into the shop to get it checked out. The mechanic tells him it’s going to take a bit so the penguin goes across the street to get a cone of vanilla ice cream, but since he’s only got flippers the penguin gets it all over his beak.

He returns to the shop and the mechanic tells him,

“Hey, it looks like you blew a seal” to which the penguin replies, “No that’s just a bit of ice cream”.

ahaha lol post

Nerd joke:

-Hey dudes, I'm getting married tomorrow!

-Congrats dude! Can we come to the wedding too?

-It depends.. Do you have WoW accounts?

:D

I just made this up.

Why didn't the chickens let Erica in the coup?

Because she was Ostrich-sized.

Driver picks up a hitchhiker

The hitchhiker says 'arent you worried that I might be a serial killer?'

Driver said 'no the chances of two serial killers being in the same car is really unlikely'

Why did the semen cross the road.

Because I put on the wrong sock for work this morning.

Women are certain that computers can been seen as "males", and the reason for that is as followed.

• You need to turn them on to get their attention
• They contain lots of data that even they don't understand
• They're supposed to help you with your problems, but most of the time they are the problem
• As soon as you got one, you realize that if you waited a little longer then you could've gotten a better one.

On the flip-side, men are certain computers can be seen as female because

• Only the maker can understand their inner logic
• They use a unfathomable language to communicate among themselves
• The slightest error is stored in the long-therm memory and brought up at inconvenient times
• When you've gotten one, you sometimes need to spend half your salary on upgrades